Gazing at the Horizon

There's not really much I look forward to these days.

For as long as I can remember back into my childhood, I was not one of those kids who wanted to be older. I didn't mind being the age I was. I didn't mind not being able to drive, or buy booze, or whatever. In fact, I didn't run out and get my license as soon as I could, like so many other teens did. I knew that time was a one-way arrow, and that I was never going to be whatever age I was again.

Even so, there were events, milestones and goals to which I had to anticipate, plan, prepare, or strive:

• Every year, there was Halloween and Christmas, which were always fun for me. Birthday... eh... I think my parents gave each of us one big party during our childhoods, and the rest of the years it wasn't a big event. 
• Get through the school year so you can enjoy Summer Vacation. 
• Going on family trips/vacations
• Sports in which I was participating
• Do well in elementary school to prepare for junior high (we didn't have middle school back in the dark ages). 
• Do well in junior high and high school so you can get into college. Where I lived, the question was never "Are you going to college?" It was "Where are you going to college?" We were also told that unless we get all As and Bs, had all sorts of extracurricular activities, and saved a life, we'd never get into college.
• Get a girlfriend. I didn't really get a serious girlfriend until I was 19. I was painfully shy and mostly pined after girls from afar, not really ever going to parties (not aware of most of them until after they happened) but rather buried in schoolwork, you know, because otherwise I'd never ever get into college and I'd end up living under a bridge.
• As I got older, events related to my hobby, which was tied in to my professional ambitions. Even the job I got while in high school was related to this.
• Get through college so I can get a job. I didn't really look forward to moving out. I had it pretty good at home. In fact, my parents found me an apartment near campus and I moved out to make attending school easier.
• Get an internship in the career of my choice. Did that while still in college. Didn't lead to a job.

Before I knew it, college was over and I was still working in pretty much the same job I had when I was 17. I tried to get hired in my chosen career. Despite my relevant experience, my degree, and my connections, it didn't happen. Considering how the industry is these days, with everyone either being hired as contractors with contracts that never last more than a few years to employees who are constantly let go and bouncing from company to company, it is probably just as well because I wouldn't have done well with the instability.

Needing more income and what would be considered more professional experience, I took one of those jobs considered "professional", but not something/somewhere to which people aspire. Nobody you ask in college would say, "That's what I want to do and where I want to work!"

And I did well enough.

I wanted to get married and have kids. I did that.

I wanted to buy a house. I did that. Well, I'm paying a mortgage on a house anyway.

Now what?

I spent so much of my life trying to get from one point to another, and then I'd finally arrived "there". Oh sure, that ideal professional ambition will probably never be fulfilled, and I'm not actively trying to make it happen. Not only do I need stability but my family sure as heck needs stability.

Our house isn't in the best neighborhood, but we have no plans or aspirations to move. We bought the place with the expectation that we'd die there.

My wife says I gave her the life she's always wanted.

I don't really have time or money for my hobbies.

So, I literally have nothing for which I am looking forward.

Oh, sure, someday I hope to retire, and I'm making investments towards that end, but I'm not expecting that the Mrs. and I will be doing a lot of traveling or anything like that after I retire.

And someday, should the Lord tarry, I will expire, and I look forward to being free of the "old man" and being with Him, whether He returns before I die or not.

My work is not the sort for which there are things to which I look forward. I do my work. I finish this and that. And on it goes. I do it for the compensation, not personal satisfaction or enjoyment.

So I suppose what I have to look forward to would be the milestones for my children.

More immediately, the only thing to which I look forward is lovemaking with my wife. No kidding. And that's rather sad and depressing, because:

• she has zero libido these days
• she now rarely has orgasms (which I've always enjoyed giving)
• it happens less than twice a week
• when it does happen, I feel pressured to hurry up and get it over with because it is just an obligatory chore for her, per the first two points
• there are things I enjoy that are not unusual that she's not willing to do/go along with, and other restrictions that make the lovemaking less appealing to me and more difficult

At this point in my life, all I want besides the basics for my family, is a good sex life with my wife, and it's not going to happen without some radical changes and a whole lot of work.

If I was a pessimist, I'd say she'll probably become one of those horny middle-aged women (like the one who broke me in) just after I'm struck with some health problem that kills me or leaves me impotent.

Sorry that this entry hasn't been more uplifting. How's this? I live in the USA, I have my health, my family, my home, a job, and enjoy attending a church, and can do so with a reasonable assurance I won't be killed or jailed for doing so.

Dear Margo on Two Marriages

When we read advice columns or listen to radio call-in shows, or read the paper, rarely are we going to see or hear "I love marriage! I love my spouse! Everything is fantastic!" Just something to keep in mind as we look at yet another Dear Margo column dealing with bad marriages.

SEX STARVED wrote:

My wife and I have been married for 25 years. She is 60 and I am 63. For the first 20 years we had what I would call a very normal marriage. Plenty of sex and intimacy. About five years ago she announced she no longer had any desire to have sex. The closest we have come to intimacy since then is kissing when either of us leaves the house, and we hold hands when we go to sleep.

Poor fella.

I tried to talk to her about this, but she is adamant about her lack of interest. I’m actually surprised I have managed to last this long without straying, but as far as I’m concerned, that is not an option, even in these circumstances.

Well, good for him.

Dear Margo rightly told him that she could see a medical specialist to change the situation. Unfortunately, she has to be willing to go. Unless he also wants to be unfaithful (and make no mistake – she is being unfaithful), he's at her mercy.

Some generally good guys read stuff like that and it scares them away from marriage. They'd rather either fornicate (not the Christian thing to do) or be celibate by their choice, not by someone else's. They also maintain more of their autonomy by being unmarried, and don't have to share quarters and finances and decisions. The more of their male relatives, friends, and coworkers they see miserable in their marriages, the less likely they are going to be inclined to marry.

The second letter isn't encouraging, either.

BAFFLED wrote:

I have been married to a truck driver for three years. I know he loves me, but our relationship has become a routine.

Well, yes, that can happen in a marriage. Stability isn't a bad thing, is it? Taking each other for granted is.

I find we no longer talk and I don't feel we are even friends anymore.

Maybe you need a girlfriend?

I have started talking to a gentleman who is 11 years my senior and has become a friend. He now says he loves me and wants to plan a future together.

That's not a gentleman. He's a guy.

I do still find my husband attractive, but this other man says all the right things and seems to be financially secure, which my husband is not.

Is this a new thing that happened after you married? I wonder if she pressured him to propose, or if he made that mistake purely through his own foolishness?

It would be nice to know that all of my bills are paid, and I’d like my partner to be my friend, as well as a mate. What should I do?

Get a job. You didn't mention kids, so if you want your bills paid, get a job and pay for them. He's out working, and she's bored and complaining. Really, how bad are things? She's still attracted to her husband, he's working, and she knows he loves her.

Dear Margo’s advice is decent. I seem to be finding less outrageous advice in these columns, as if men suddenly matter, too. That's a good thing.

Don't Be an Ice Queen

From a recent Dear Abby column, here is another example of why some men don't want to get married – and my suggestions about not being like the letter-writer.

CONFUSED IN PENNSYLVANIA wrote:

My husband, "Warren," and I are happily married.

Does he tell you that? Or are you just assuming he is happy in the marriage? Even if he says it, it could be just a stop-gap for him, which he shouldn't do.

We love each other.

Great.

We are both hardworking career professionals and have raised our family.

So the kids are out and you're both working. Are you both working a lot? How much time to you get with each other?

We have always been faithful to each other.

You're assuming or believing, in his case. And it could very well be true.

Warren is very open with his emotions and often tells me how much he loves me.

Sounds good. That's what many women say they want.

He is also very passionate during our intimate moments.

Likewise.

The problem is, he expects me to act the same way -- which I can't.

You can't? Why not? I'm sure he'd like you to feel passionate, but he will have to settle for act. At least until you get into it.

Although I love my husband and always will, I do not feel comfortable expressing myself the way he does during our lovemaking.

Huh? How long have you been married? If you can't express yourself passionately with your husband or for your husband, then what does that say about your ability to fully enjoy your marriage?

I am content to just "get it over with" while he yearns for the kissing, hugging and talk.

Ahhhh - you mean he likes foreplay and cuddling - which many women wish their partner would do more - and you want to treat lovemaking like a chore?

Despite an active sex life with Warren, he has told me many times he wishes I were more expressive and open with my feelings.

He is TELLING you explicitly what he wants. You don't want to make him happy? You don't want him to keep being open with you about what he wants?

I respond by telling him, "I am who I am." He is not happy that I refuse to change.

Why did you get married? Normally, I say people should not expect their spouse to change for the better – they are marrying them as-is – and thus if there is something you do or do not do that is a problem for him, he shouldn't (or shouldn't have) marry(ied) you in the first place. But when it comes to lovemaking issues, if couples adhere to Biblical/traditional morals of saving sex for marriage, I don't see how they can know everything they are getting – or not – before they marry. Therefore, spouses are obligated to try to accommodate each other in this area, with "ties" broken towards "more" or "yes" (as long as it isn't illegal, immoral, or harmful – or unless we're talking conceiving more children when one spouse is reluctant).

Warren is a wonderful man.

So reward him!

Dear Abby responded:

I think it's time you considered the fact that by "refusing" to change, you have limited some interesting and rewarding possibilities in your marriage. One important aspect of "performance" is receiving feedback, as anyone in the arts can attest. Lovemaking is an art, and partners need to know when they, too, are doing something right.

She is so right.

I wish you would have this discussion with a therapist who specializes in sexual issues.

Preferably one that doesn't try to convince you that your husband is wrong for wanting this and telling you he wants it.

It isn't just about him. She can be better in this regard, and he will be more satisfied, and since, as she points out, he is a good guy, he is very likely to make her life even better as a result.

While men have a wide spectrum of specific and nuanced likes, dislikes, turn-ons, and turn-offs, there are a few things that generally apply to most healthy men. For example, heterosexual men like the female body. We enjoy seeing the female body. We enjoy touching the female body, and feeling the female body. This is especially true if that body belongs to our wife. Morally upstanding men try to concentrate on her body to the exclusion of other female bodies, and least in this sense.

Most of us do not need expensive gifts. We don't need constant doting. You don't have to wine and dine us, or cater to mood swings. You can satisfy most of our desires by having fun with us in marital lovemaking.

Here are some things that most men like. It is especially hot if you enjoy doing them in their own right, independent of the fact that we like it. If you don't, don’t let on to that. Act like you do.

Enthusiasm, Passion – It is okay to be "submissive" and let him take the lead (though, if he doesn't object, try initiating and leading some times), but that doesn't have to mean doing an impersonation of a coma patient. We like it when you show enthusiasm. Move. React. Smile.

Aural Sex – Lovemaking isn't just about pressure/friction or touch in general. All of the senses are involved in creating the overall experience, and none should be ignored. Vocalize your desires, your encouragement, your constructive suggestions, your needs. Tell him what you want him to do. Tell him you want him. Use his name or your special nickname for him (unless is is "Shorty" or "Quick Shot" or "Limpy", or something similar). I'm not talking about self-degradation - calling yourself a slut, whore, or whatever... that kind of thing actually turns me off, though I can't speak for your man. Cooing, panting, gasping, moaning, screaming... any or all of those are good. Affirmation and encouragements are helpful. Sure, this can be tough with the kids in the house. There are times you are just going to have to be as quiet as possible – but not always.

Teasing and Flirting – Be playful about your lovemaking and your love for him, both in and outside of the bedroom.

Show the Bod – No, you aren't perfect and flawless, and you may have seen better days. Even so, your body is one of, if not the, most beautiful sights he ever gets to see, subsequent only to (if anything) his offspring or the name of his favorite sports team in the same headline with the phrase "World Champs". So don't always be hiding under the covers in sweats and in the dark. It is okay that your body isn't perfect. Really. And you can make it even better when you do a playful reveal (like a strip tease).

Move the Bod – I'm not just talking moving with him, but also as you approach him or try to get him to approach you. You know - the hip sway, the hand drift, the head tilt, the "come hither" or "hey, look at these!" gestures... your feminine wiles.

Use the Bod – Your lips can touch him in more places than just his lips. There are many ways your body can bring pleasurable sensations to his organ. You're getting the idea.

Oral Sex - I wrote a lot about this here, at least as far as wife-on-husband. In the case of husband-on-wife, don't be crazy enough to discourage him. You may be afraid that you look funny or smell or taste bad at that moment, but if he's going there it is because he wants to. Enjoy it! Tell him how to make it better! (If you are worried, try to wash up before.)

He Made It, and it Isn't a Waste Product - In addition to what I wrote about how oral sex can be finished... in general, wherever it is going to go, treat the product of his loins like it is liquid gold and its "emergence" as an event (because it is for him). Watch it emerge and positively indicate that you are seeing it, or let it land somewhere on you (even just your hand) and act like that's a good thing, instead of like someone just shot your dog. Extra points for playing with it, like licking it off of your finger.

You may feel silly about doing these things, but that will change when you get into it and get just a tad of experience doing them. There really is no need to feel silly – it is just the two of you and God, and God invented sex. He's seen it all. Between people who look much more funny than you. You can always tone certain things back down if you go over-the-top. Your husband isn't going to fault you for trying too hard. If you've been married for a long time, you can explain your newfound "love" for whatever you add to the mix or what he'll think are your changing (improving) tastes by citing newly deepened or renewed feelings for him. Or hormones. That will be a good enough explanation for him. Doing these things will likely make him deliriously happy.

C'mon, ladies. We're talking lovemaking here, not scrubbing bathroom tile.

Oh, and if your husband is a good man, then he wants to know what HE can do to make you deliriously happy, too. So tell him! Women vary a lot more in this area than men do, so it is harder for him to get good tips off of a blog.

Did I just write a Cosmo article?