Is There An Obligation to Complete A Date?

A video when viral, with a woman saying she met with a man for a first date, and after seeing her, hugging her, and spending a very short amount of time with her, he asked her to step outside of the restaurant they’d just entered and he cancelled the date. According to her, he said he wasn’t feeling it.

She concluded the video by seeming to blame being overweight.

Maybe that was it, although I’ve seen claims she has pictures on her account that make it clear she’s big, so he had to have known before. Pictures can do that but still be misleading, though.

There’s so much I don’t know that matters to whether he did the right thing or not. The video isn’t long enough to begin to answer several questions.

Maybe it was something she was wearing, her makeup, her hair, or something she said or did? Maybe the hug? Just like some women do, there are guys who pay very close attention to EVERYTHING and are very particular about red flags, turn offs, etc. It could be as simple as she didn’t let him open the door of the restaurant for her. Maybe she was texting. Maybe she’d just been dropped off in front of him by her teen child he didn’t know existed.

It’s also possible the guy had some sort of mental or emotional problem.

He was almost certainly being honest when he said he wasn’t feeling it. If he thought there was a possibility of that changing, he would have likely continued with the date.

So many people say he should have continued with the date.

I tend to disagree, but overall context matters.

First, though, is the question: If he was obligated to continue the date, what exactly does that mean? Was he obligated to share a meal with her on his dime, being polite, friendly, engaged in a conversation, and going at a reasonable pace, and then wishing her well when they were both done and the check was paid?

If I was the guy and had done things the way I was raised, I would have treated her to a good time as best as I could for a first date but not have done anything to lead her on (like kissing her or giving her compliments that weren’t sincere), made sure she got home safely, and after considering it for a couple of days to make sure, I would have given her sincere compliments and the “But…” and let her know it wasn’t going to be a match. Who knows? Maybe she would beat me to it.

Conversely, a man who is running game well would have avoided a meal date entirely. If they were instead meeting for drinks, and he was running game, yes, he should have ended it like that if he didn’t find her attractive. (The video appears to have been made immediately after the aborted date, and it appears it was still very much daylight outside, which isn’t recommended when running game.)

But there are questions.

Who set up the date? Traditionally, men ask for the date. But maybe she asked? If she asked, there is little question he had no obligation to go through with it even after meeting up.

There’s more of an obligation if he was the one who asked her out. But this is a bit of a game. Men are expected, most of the time, to ask, even when it’s clear they both want to meet up.

Did she communicate any expectations for this date? Was she expecting him to take her somewhere else after the meal or whatever? Had she indicated she expected sex? (Yes, some women do that.)

These are, essentially and presumably, strangers. He might have had a feeling he was somehow being set up or taken for his wallet, his DNA, false accusations, whatever.

Men are still generally expected to pay for dates. And time is money. It could be argued he was being responsible to abort the date. I guess we might say that consent to meet up for the possibility of a date isn’t consent to go through with it. His body/time/money, his choice. Can’t consent be revoked at any time?

Plenty of fat women get dates, get boyfriends, get married. True, they don’t have the same options women do if they’re not fat. That’s just a fact of life. Just like how short men don’t have the same options as taller men (but we all have more control over our weight than our height.) But there are fat women who marry, and even some, probably, who are happily married. My advice to this woman, if she keeps getting rejected because of the fat, is to find out how other fat women got what she wants. That might not be possible, if all the men she wants are attracting women they prefer more than her. She might have to “settle,” which is already what most women who lock in with a guy think they’re doing.

Or, lose the weight. I know that’s extremely difficult for some people, and there will still be guys who’ll reject her because she USED to be fat (it leaves marks and loose skin, there’s a likelihood she’ll get fat again). But it will improve her dating position, her employment position, and likely her health.

Can you imagine if a man posted a video like that? Complaining that a woman who’d met him for a first date quickly aborted the date? Especially if he finished it tearfully attributing it to his fat?

I saw a woman claim women don’t act like how the man acted. But women do allow a guy to pay for the date knowing she doesn’t want him, send him on his way without so much as a kiss, and then plenty of those women will text a bad boy to come over and hook up.

Dating, especially if you’re looking for “the one,” is extremely tough. It’s much less of a problem for someone who is running game.

It's Like A Vasectomy Advertisement

MISSING THE CLOSENESS wrote in to Dear Abby:

A decade ago, before my wife and I had children, we were deeply in love with each other. Everything was great in the bedroom and outside. After we had children, my wife did a 180. She's no longer affectionate with me at all.

We barely hold hands, we never hug, and kissing is prohibited except maybe a kiss before bed. We kiss like it's an obligation. There's no touching in our relationship.

Why aren't you rushing to get married, men??? I am emphasizing certain words and phrases because a lot of comments accused him of only caring about sex.

In the bedroom we used to be more physical and less restrained. I wanted her to be satisfied, without getting more specific. Now, if we are intimate, it's once a month during the summer and maybe twice a month otherwise. She won't allow me to touch parts of her body, and she's physically and emotionally remote.

Wow, he might be getting more sex than me. How sad for my marriage.

When I addressed this with her, she informed me that other couples are intimate less frequently than we are.

True! And some husbands torture and murder their wife.

I Am Not Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Someone found my blog by searching for...

Dr. Laura fat people

...and then left a couple of comments after my post listing many of the people Dr. Laura Schlessinger has pissed off. I did not publish both comments because one of them contained profanity. To be fair to "Trisha", I will repost both comments here, in their (almost) entirety:

This was obviously written by Dr. Laura herself because I find it VERY hard to believe that anyone could be as c--t-like as her...specially when I read the parts defending her talking trash about fat people and single mothers who decide to take responsibility by raising their children, instead of pushing them off on people who could potentially molest, beat them or end up being a drug addict in which case the child/ren would be much worse off than being with some dreadful...single mom (gasp)!

And...

And by the way, Dr. Laura, I know this won't end up on this blog but I just wanted you to read what a piece of trash I and many think you are.

I am clearly not Dr. Laura. I do not have a Doctorate. I've never identified as Jewish. I'm a follower of Christ. I have a penis and testicles (I 'm not absolutely certain, but it is reasonable to presume Dr. Laura doesn't), I do not have a radio show, and I have more than one child. I have also disagreed with Dr. Laura about some things (mostly minor things and her bias against technology). So clearly, I'm not her. She has her own blog and fancy website and would have no reason to write this blog.

Trisha... bitter, fat, foulmouthed, paranoid, and condemning children to fatherless lives is no way to go through life, and it must suck for the child(ren) to have only one parent, and one who is in such a state.

Having been fat myself, Dr. Laura is right. Fat people, in general, are fat because they eat too much and move too little. There's nothing wrong with that she says about that.

As far as adoption... there are adoptive parents who are good parents. Women can avoid being single mothers by using the many forms of contraception available, or even better, saving sex (or at least intercourse) for a good, compatible man who is willing and able to be a husband and father (choose wisely). Marrying such a man and treating him well (treat kindly) may still result in a woman being a widowed mother. However, Dr. Laura makes a distinction between "widowed, divorced, never married". In the event a woman finds herself without a good husband and pregnant, then yes, there's adoption.

Lashing out at Dr. Laura doesn't change the fact that people have made some poor choices in their lives, and if other people learn not to make those same poor choices, we'll all be better off.

Interesting Poll of Men and Women

Chris Michaud reported for Reuters on a poll conducted by AskMen and Cosmo. The headline was “Half of men would ditch woman who gained weight?” This is how it starts:

Men are more concerned with their partner's body type than women but they also seem to value family more highly, according to a new survey released on Tuesday.

Is it really news that men are more concerned with their partner’s body? Only to those people who have had so much "education" they believe there is no real difference between the sexes.

Nearly half of men questioned in the poll of 70,000 people said they would ditch a partner who gained weight, compared to only 20 percent of women.

A lot of the other half of the men are lying. I’ll get back to this below.

Two-third of men also said they had fantasized about their partner's friends, while only one-third of women had done so.

Two-thirds of men admitted this. A typical man only avoids fantasizing about any semi-attractive unrelated female through actively, intentionally stopping himself.

While only 18 percent of women said they would want their mate to be better endowed, more than 51 percent of men said they wished they themselves were.

It's Because I'm Fat, Isn't It

Somehow, it got to be a huge (pun intended) story that American Idol has been accused of weight bias by a teenager who was in the audience. Mind you, this is a show that has featured fat contestants.

From reading this Associated Press article from Lynn Elber, there doesn't seem to be any corroborating evidence to back the claim of 19-year-old Ashley Kauffman of Riverside, California of being told she was too fat to sit in the front row. Even one of the others in her group is quoted as saying nobody else in the group heard Idol staff telling her that.

To me, Kauffman's claims are highly doubtful. Who tells an audience member, someone the staffer wants to be cheerful and enthusiastic on camera, that she's fat?

But let's assume for the sake of discussion that someone actually said to her, "You’re too fat to sit in the front row."

This is a television show we're talking about. It isn't a public school, or a city council meeting. It is their show, they should be able to set the rules and arrange their audience the way that works best for them.

It doesn't matter how many Americans get overweight or obese. It isn't attractive to most people, and it isn't what most people want to see on TV. I write this as someone who has been fat. But reading through the article and actually watching the show, I find it hard to believe the claim.

According to a FremantleMedia statement, Kauffman and five other friends were among the first to arrive for the show and were told that there were "six great seats" available, three in one row and three in another.

Okay…

The group agreed to split up and Kauffman "did not sit alone or in the back of the house" as she alleged, FremantleMedia said. "In fact, she and her remaining party were seated just four rows behind their friends, directly in camera shot, in some of the best seats in the house."

Kauffman was in a row that included a VIP guest of judge Steven Tyler, Westphal said. They were a few rows behind the judge's table in a spot that has been featured on camera before, he said.

What does a witness say?

Hannah Solarzano, 19, said Tuesday that she was part of Kauffman's group, which traveled from suburban Riverside to Los Angeles for the show but hadn't met her before that night. Solarzano said she was seated next to Kauffman and didn't hear any insults being directed at her.

"Nobody started talking about the comment that was supposedly made to Ashley until she brought it up," Solarzano said. "I never heard those words except from her."

While she couldn't support her account, Solarzano said, it obviously stings to be labeled as overweight.

"You don't call a girl `fat,' ever. It's code," Solarzano said. "I understand how upsetting that can be. But, c'mon, honey, it's `American Idol.' You've got to move on from there. Big deal."

Exactly. Move on.

But, like most reality shows, the "Idol" audience and contestants generally have reflected American diversity, including when it comes to size.

An examination of a recording of the episode attended by Kauffman showed that it opened with a sweeping camera shot that included a cross-section of audience members, including some who could be characterized as plus-size.

So while the headline of the story is attention-grabbing, the article itself appears to debunk the claim.

If you're fat, do something about it other than being overly sensitive. Your life will be better if you get fit. I'm not talking about being ten pounds overweight (which can acually look good, depending). I'm talking about really being fat. Lose the weight, and things will be better.

She Wants to Be the Heaviest Woman

But sorry, guys, she's taken! On the heels of yesterday's story on a study of sex and obesity, I bring you this Karina Ioffee's Reuters story.

A New Jersey woman is waging a campaign to become the world's heaviest living woman, admitting that she is as hungry for attention as she is for calorie-rich food.
Donna Simpson, 42, weighs more than 600 pounds (272 kg) and aims to reach 1,000 pounds (455 kg).

There is something very, very wrong with this woman,

The mother of two children, ages 3 and 14, models on a website called [name of fatty website removed on purpose], where admirers and the curious can pay to watch videos of her eating greasy foods or walking to the car.

Something is very wrong with those people. And she is being a horrible mother.

Among the heaviest women ever recorded was one who reportedly weighed 1,800 pounds (816 kg) and another who reportedly weighed 1,200 pounds (545 kg) at the time of their deaths.

Yuck.

Simpson said she has received a book offer and wants her own reality show, partly to give plus-size women more confidence.

People need motivation to lose weight – not encouragement to gain weight.

She wears size XXXXXL clothing, which she buys mostly online, and calls herself a member of the "fat acceptance community."

You are way beyond "fat". You are suicidal.

Simpson has found a man who says he appreciates her size, and they plan to marry in Hawaii this year.

What's his problem?

Her fiancee, 49-year-old Philippe Gouamba and the father of her 3-year-old daughter, said he not only finds Simpson attractive but is also one of Simpson's biggest supporters in her quest to expand her girth.

Maybe he wants full custody, and getting her to kill herself is the fastest and surest way of making that happen? Making kids out of wedlock was also a bad idea.

Simpson said she gets e-mails from women who think they will never fall in love or have children because of their weight.

"I just say that's not true," Simpson said.

Of course extremely obese women can fall in love and have children, but their options are greatly reduced. If they want to marry a very successful professional man, they can forget it.

Simpson spends as much as $750 a week on groceries, suffers from Type 2 diabetes and struggles with basic tasks such as cooking and taking a shower.

Imagine the smell.

"I've always been comfortable with myself," she said. "It was just everybody else that wasn't comfortable with me."

Yeah, narcissists and sociopaths are often comfortable with themselves, too.

They should get huge barrel of flour for a wedding present. I won't explain why... it is a rude joke.

Look, I've stuggled with my weight over the years. When I am fat, I know it is a result of failing to live a healthy lifestyle. I don't claim that it is a good thing.

Another "Duh" Study

Hey, being obese raises the risk of problems with sex? Wow, who knew? Maria Cheng of the Associated Press reports.

In a new study, European researchers found obese women had more trouble finding a sexual partner than their normal-weight counterparts, though the same wasn't true for obese men, and were four times as likely to have an unplanned pregnancy.

The first part is obvious. The second is almost as obvious. Obese men do have a little more trouble gaining money, power, and fame, and until they do, they will have a harder time "finding a sexual partner". But once these guys do "make it" they won't have any trouble. The last part of that sentence has been confirmed elsewhere, which is one more reason for men to avoid the fatties.

Fat men also reported a higher rate of erectile dysfunction.

Yup. Stay healthy, guys!

Previous studies have found similar trends, but researchers were surprised by the discrepancy they found between the genders as to how excess weight affects peoples' sex lives.

Perhaps they are just saying that to be politically correct.

"Maybe women are more tolerant of tubby husbands than men are of tubby wives," said Kaye Wellings, a professor of sexual and reproductive health at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine and one of the BMJ study authors.

Duh. Generally, women marry mostly for "security" and men marry for sex and children. They want a hot wife who is in shape for many reasons, including the health of their child. Women like hot men, but they choose security above that.

Obese people are at higher risk anyway for diabetes, depression and urinary stress incontinence, all of which can hinder sex. If people are extremely heavy, they might also have muscular or skeletal problems that make sex challenging.

Also, a man needs to be turned on enough to get an erection or there is no sex. Women can use lubricant.

Pregnant fat women and their babies also faced a higher risk of complications and death than normal-weight women.

Like I said.

They also found that women tended to have partners with a similar body shape. Nearly 70 percent of fat women reported having a partner who was also heavy, while only about 40 percent of fat men had a similarly proportioned partner.

You can look around to see this. Generally, a fit man is with an obese woman for one of three reasons: 1) He married her when she was in shape, and then she gained a lot of weight but his love and vows have kept him with her; 2) She was obese when he married her, and he was poor or insecure and didn't have a lot of marital options; 3) He's a chubby chaser.

Drinking Women Stay Thin

According to a new study, there is a correlation is women between drinking in moderation and not getting fat. Shari Roan reports in the Los Angeles Times on the study.

Researchers at Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston examined data from 19,220 women enrolled in the long-running Women's Health Study. The women, all originally of healthy weight, provided health and lifestyle information over an average of 13 years.

After doing their best to adjust for other factors that influence weight, the researchers found that compared with women who did not drink, women who drank 15 to 30 grams a day -- the equivalent of a drink or two -- were 30% less likely to be overweight or obese at the end of the study period.

Category 4 guys already look for women who drink because drinking gives them an excuse to put out. Leykis advised his "students" to leave – end the date – the moment a woman reveals she doesn't drink, as the pool of easy women who don't drink on dates is too small to be worth playing the odds. It is a bonus that these women will be less likely to gain weight.

On the Los Angeles Times website, the readers seem to have picked up on this.

"covertmoose" wrote:

I have a better reason: the women who party worry more about their personal appearance than those who don't.

Quite possible.

Leykis did advise his students to avoid beer, instead opting for hard liquor or wine. The goal was for the woman to get buzzed, but not send her to the restroom sick or with a full bladder. I would be curious to see if there are weight differences between women who mostly drink beer and women who mostly drink hard liquor or wine.

As for married guys, this is all the more reason to enjoy a glass of wine with the wife.

Mo'Nique Takes F'At Women to Fr'Ance

Janice Rhoshalle Littlejohn of the Associated Press brings a story given this headline:

Mo'Nique takes `F.A.T.' women to France

Uhm, this is America. You’re not allowed to put apostrophes in your name if you want to be taken seriously. If you are Irish or Italian or whatever, your surname may have retained one from the old country. But enough with these made-up names with numbers and punctuation and lower case letters where capitals should be.

Looking like a plus-sized black Barbie in a green polka-dot sundress, her hair in a playful flip, the 39-year-old actress-comedian is quickly engulfed by her "fat girls." She embraces them, trying not to muss her makeup with her own tears.

"I always think I'm going to do fine when I get to this point, but I know your tears," she tells them, each a finalist in the third year of her big-girl beauty competition, "Mo'Nique's F.A.T. Chance" — as in "Fabulous And Thick."

There’s a reason why they have a separate competition.

Of them, five were chosen to strut their stuff in glamorous gowns on a runway at the Le Grand Hotel in Paris in a weeklong adventure airing 8 p.m. Saturday.

Women who move more and eat less attract men who can afford to take them to Paris.

"We wanted to go beyond the beauty pageant," Mo'Nique says, kicking off her high-heeled sandals during a taping break. "We also wanted to create runway fashion shows, to give fat girls the option of saying, `Yeah, we've got this, too!' It's about taking the show to the next level."

You’ve got it, alright. Most straight men don’t want to see it.

He adds that the show encourages women to exercise and eat healthy. "It's a very positive message, and I think the reason it's gotten a big audience is that it does speak to all of us."

It’s gotten a big audience, alright.

And on television, there's a "huge distinction between Mo'Nique's show, which is celebrating fat beauty, and other shows on television which promote weight loss and reinforce prejudice," says "FAT!SO?" author Marilyn Wann, San Francisco-based board member of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance.

Great. You can hold mixers for your female members with groups of men who are poor and unmotivated to change that, and demand that people simply accept that they are poor.

I have yet to meet anyone who has lost weight, aside from those who lose too much weight because of a disease, who has said “I wish I was still fat!” I felt better when I was thinner. I do not say my extra weight is okay. I want to be thing again. I do not hate myself, but I recognize that I need to develop and keep better eating habits. I recognize that my problem is compulsively eating more food than I need.

The fact is, it is more acceptable for a man to be fat than a woman. It isn’t any healthier, but women are more willing to tolerate it because women are attracted more to other qualities in men than physical beauty. Yes, most women like a hardbody, too, but things like security (money) trump that. Men, however, are visual creatures and if they aren’t turned on by their woman, then there is going to be dysfunction in the relationship. A man can’t simply reach for a tube of lubricant to help things along.

The women in this article would rather not go through the effort of losing weight and staying thin. So, they want to get as many other women falling into their way of living and thinking as possible, because that will take away that advantage in the competition for men, jobs, etc.

Are fat women treated differently? They sure area. Poor men are treated differently from other men, too. That’s life. Can a fat woman be attractive? Yes, just like a poor man can be attractive. All other things being equal, though, most men prefer the lady who isn't obese, just like all other things being equal, most women prefer the man who earns more.