Was It Really Wasted Time?

There are women who look back on a marriage or relationship that ended and they say something like "All those years, wasted!"

Especially if she was happy, enjoying herself, or feeling that her needs were met for most of that relationship, what does she mean that those were "wasted" years?

If her only goal was to have the man be with her into old age and then for him to die on her or outlive her, sure, it was wasted, if you dismiss that being with him helped her prepare to be with someone else - someone she wouldn't meet or wouldn't have dated before.

Or, if her only goal was to have children and she didn't because he couldn't, wouldn't, or she didn't think he'd make a good father, and now she's too old, sure, it was wasted, if you think she definitely would have had children with another guy, which we can't know with certainty.

But what about the companionship? The attention he gave her? All of the good times they had together? Things he did for her? For that all to be a waste, it means she didn't and doesn't value those things. Men, stop spending time, energy, and money on a woman who doesn't appreciate it!

The "wasted years" comment, upon careful consideration, sounds like ingratitude in most cases. An exception would be if we know for certain (and how can we) that she would have had a better time with someone else. It makes sense if she's saying "Bob, who I'm with now, wanted to date me, but I was busy with that jerk Joe!" Understand though, that her statement that she "wasted" those years is about her, not Joe. It was her choice.

Guys, if you're looking for an ongoing relationship, be very careful about a woman who says a past relationship was "wasted" time, unless she can explain how without sounding like she doesn't value affection, experiences together, gifts, etc. If you're just looking for dates and not a relationship, then be one of those guys she will say she wasted time with... just don't waste too much of her time. Keep the dates are short as you can!

Women, are you wasting your time? Does the journey matter, or only the destination?

Deserving

A female relative of mine who recently divorced her (most recent) husband and has spent a lot of time over the years as a single/divorced mother recently had this as her status update on a social networking website:

Every woman deserves a man who calls her baby, kisses her like he means it, holds her tight like he never wants to let go, doesn't cheat, wipes her tears when she cries, doesn’t make her jealous of other women, instead makes other women jealous of her, is not scared to let his friends know how he really feels about her, and lets her know how much he really loves her.... Re-post if you agree.

Every woman? Really? Even those women who murder their own husband and kids? What if she is a horrible woman and treats men like crap?

Notice that the wording is not "everyone woman deserves a husband".

I think I've seen this status update posted before, including by women who make the kinds of choices that allow men to treat them like crap. You know the type... they will sing along the loudest to "I Will Survive" and still go on to jump into bed with jerks. Women may say they want one thing, but often treating them a different way gets a guy what he wants. Sometimes, the more of a jerk a guy is, the more a woman will keep having sex with him and doing anything else he wants.

As for jealousy – some women are especially insecure and jealous, and nothing a man does will change that.

I do believe in the inherent worth of every human being, including every woman. Even those girls who are still in their mother's womb have inherent worth. But I also believe in personal responsibility, and that there are things some women do to bring crappy guys into their lives and drive away loving men. I also believe a relationship between a man and a woman is a two-way street.

If I were going to post an equivalent of the status update, it would be:

Every man deserves a woman who respects him to his face and behind his back, doesn’t cheat, doesn’t sexually reject him but is an enthusiastic lover, keeps herself together, doesn’t make him jealous of other men, instead makes other men jealous of him, sends him off to have time with the guys with a smile instead of eye-daggers, lets him do things for her, doesn’t treat him like one of her girlfriends, tells him what she needs instead of expecting him to read her mind or decipher hints, is not scared to let her friends know how she really feels about him, and lets him know how much she appreciates and respects him...Re-post if you agree.

The Latest Shark Attack on Dr. Laura Schlessinger

I used to listen to Howard Stern. I've read his books. I've seen his movie. We even have at least one mutual friend. Listening to his show allowed me to listen to other shows, because of the 20-minute marathon commercial breaks. When he left terrestrial radio for satellite, I figured I would keep up on his show by reading recaps on the fan sites, as I wasn't motivated to pay for radio. Turns out the overwhelming majority of his listeners weren't motivated to pay for radio, either. Turns out I wasn't motivated enough to even read the recaps. In my life, just as in the larger pop culture, Stern's relevance has become a faint shadow of what it had been.

In my case, it can probably chalked up to maturing. Nationally, it is not just his move to pay radio, but also TV shows like Jersey Shore and other "reality" shows essentially doing his show on television. Stern's stuff is very funny to adolescent boys, at least the first few times they hear it. When he was a struggling father and long-married husband who made fun of others for getting drunk, and fought with his boss, people could identify with him. But that all changed. I most enjoyed Robin Quivers' news, and I'm a sucker for parody,so I enjoyed those aspects of the show even as I vehemently disagreed with some of the things Stern said or some of his tone.

There is radio for which I'm willing to pay. I started paying so I could get Dr. Laura’s podcasts, just before she announced she was changing the nature of and base for her show by moving to pay radio.

If you haven't heard yet, Howard Stern's prankster fans did a shark attack on Dr. Laura's show yesterday, apparently trashing the second and third hour so horribly that they weren't podcasted (at least not when I downloaded the first hour). They called with bogus calls, made cryptic and not-so cryptic references to Stern's show, and called Dr. Laura Anglo-Saxon words you can't hear on terrestrial radio because the FCC will fine the broadcaster into oblivion.

Stern has loyal, hardcore fans who, living with their parents and collecting checks from the government, have nothing better to do with their time than play toadie for the bully. If they can get their rude verbal assaults rebroadcast on Stern's show as Stern points out what his toadies did to another show, it is the highlight of their year. If Stern doesn't explicity organize and direct these assaults, he certainly encourages them.

There's no winning this sort of thing. Dr. Laura is on the air fewer hours of the day than Stern. Her show is about helping people, not tearing down others. Her listeners are busy working, loving their spouses, and raising their kids. Stern's toadies (a small subset of his listeners) have a lot of free time, stunted emotional development, and a fixation on insults and offensive disruption.

I'm not sure if there is a way to get Stern to stop attacking Dr. Laura on the air, and thus getting the toadies to stop. Has he made a specific demand? I haven't been playing close attention to Stern for many years now, but based on what he used to say and what scant scraps I've read more recently, my guess is that he attacks Dr. Laura because she teaches things like "It's wrong to kill an innocent human being for any reason other than self-defense", her propogating the ideal of saving sex for marriage, and for her past problems with the content of Stern's show and movie, especially now that she has done what he did – moved to satellite to avoid attacks on advertisers. Stern probably feels like she either should have stuck up for him during his battles in the past or shut up about her battles now.

But there is a difference. Stern's show, and related problems, had to do with pushing racy content for titillation. Dr. Laura's show, and related problems, had to do with instilling morals and ethics. If Stern truly can't see the difference, then he has a serious problem.

I'm interested in seeing how Dr. Laura handles this major shark attack. Is there a way to resolve it without a face-to-face broadcasted meeting between Dr. Laura and Howard Stern? Would Dr. Laura agree to such a thing? I wonder what their "bosses" at Sirius XM think about all of this?

Being a Jerk Works

Here's another example out of the hundreds of millions that show some women dig jerks. "Worried Best Friend" wrote in to Dear Margo:

One of my best friends is dating this complete jerk.

You know, when I was a kid, I thought that the way to get a girl to date you was to be nice to her and be a winner. Little did I know. Like many other boys, I'd notice that these jerks and losers always seemed to have no shortage of girls to go out with. I didn't reconcile these notions until I got older and other men started pointing out that being a jerk will not only not scare women off, it will get you easier sex and more sex.

Some women try to deny that women like to be treated badly, but some women keep volunteering to be treated badly. It turns them on. They can't stand men who treat them well.

He is manipulative, condescending, emotionally abusive, and let’s not skip over the time he told me to bleep-off, unprovoked and without an apology afterward.

Are you paying attention boys? Those of you with mothers who aren't with your father anymore – how often have you heard your mother refer to your father as a jerk, or with the traits listed above? Yeah, that's the guy who turned your mother on so much that she got pregnant by him. You can't get pregnant without sex (assuming rape is not involved, or a sperm bank).

I feel like my friend is brainwashed.

This is what she has chosen for heself.

She used to be so confident, and now she has changed the way she acts and even eats! He’s told her she’s gained weight, guilted her about cheeseburgers and scolded her for her spending habits.

He knows this will make her more likely to stick around and have sex with him. He wants her to think so little of herself that she'll keeping having sex with him.

If she gets drunk with her girlfriends, he gets mad.

Well, duh. That is not jerky behavior. That is normal behavior. How is she getting drunk with her girlfriends? Most likely with drinks other men are buying. Now why would a man who doesn't know a woman buy her a drink, hmmmm?

What can I do to help her realize this guy is bad for her? She knows he is a jerk. She’s even said it. But then she says she “loves him” and wants to marry him. She deserves much better.

She deserves exactly what she sticks around to put up with. You can't do anything about it. Badmouthing him will only make her cling to him more.

Dear Margo responded:

The only thing I can say for this chap is that his unhappiness with his girlfriend getting smashed is understandable.

Thank you.

From what you report, he is a controlling hothead, but as is usually the case, your friend will have to arrive at that realization herself. Stop trying to change her mind — because you can’t. These situations are do-it-yourself projects.

She's right.

Some of these guys are not naturally jerks. Some are guys that just want a girlfriend to have a lot of sex with and be best friends and have romance with, but they do not ever want to get married or have kids. These men would be nice guys if that is what got them what they want. But it doesn't, at least not without a lot of time, energy, money, and effort – and an expectation of getting married and having kids. Then these guys find that there are plenty of young, attractive women who will quickly get sexual with guys if they are jerks. They see it with their own eyes. So they become jerks, because that is what gets them the easy sex and with less pressure to get married, to boot.

If more women demanded better, these men would be better.

Almost A Decade Later, She’s Still Right

Back in mid-2001, Angela Fiori wrote a lot of truth about modern relationships.

The real problem with contemporary male-female relationships that the Judith Regan's of the world will never understand is not so much men but the unrealistic expectations of women. Women constantly pursue male paragons of narcissism and irresponsibility with a pathological My Fair Lady fantasy of remaking them into civilized, caring, responsible men.

She goes on to write:

Only the female mind could conceive such a jaw-dropping insanity. But utterly undaunted, our female Pygmalions don blinders, marry the hunk, have one or two children with him (like Carmela), and then sometime in their mid 30s (if that early) finally give up the ghost.

Contrary to some New Age mystic feminist nonsense, women have no collective historical consciousness, otherwise they would have learned something by now. They haven’t and instead go on to, again and again, repeat the same foolishness.

Like Dr. Laura and so many others, she points out that women really have the power in relationships:

Women have always held far greater potential power in relationships than men because it is women who give the ultimate "Yes" or "No" and control the timing of every critical juncture of a developing relationship, from acceptance of a first date to the date of the wedding day. All women know this yet we have the nerve to cry, complain, and sulk when we don’t exercise this power wisely and responsibly. Sadly, it seems to be a rare exception when we exercise it in our favor.

That is exactly why being a jerk "works" to get guys more sex with less hassle.

Quiet, reliable, well-mannered, intelligent men who make a decent living (not necessarily rich, but not living at mommy and daddy’s house either) may rate only a six, seven, or eight on the hunk or excitement scale but are a much better long-run bet than the Jackie Apriles. The almost ineluctable fate of contemporary women is to fail to understand this until they’re in their mid thirties to forties, twice-divorced with children, and with half their looks gone.

The many decent, single, professional men I know who have pined away for a wife for decades are not attracted to these used-up women and they shouldn't be.

These men aren't afraid of commitment. They are rightly refusing to commit to women with baggage and habits and mindsets that make them lousy wife material, especially when our legal system will reward such women should they decide to leave the marriage or should the man realize he can't stay in such a situation. (She is more likely to be the one to file for divorce, however.)

She restates her point:

Yet is it really that much different when women spend the youth, beauty, slim waistlines, and virginity of their teens and twenties chasing after handsome jerks and then, after decades of getting burned, hit up "the nerds" for college tuition for two or three of another man’s children? In other words, we had a great party, didn’t invite you, but we'd like you to pick up the tab.

Yet I know so many attractive yet bitter, cynical women (fiercely angry over their string of Pygmalion failures) in their 30s with kids (male-hating Judith Regans all) who believe that since they’re now willing to go out with the guys who wear glasses, these never-been-married men their age should be forming lines to date them. Of course these programmers, engineers, accountants, and even MDs – men who spent their 20s working hard in college and graduate school instead of partying and "shagging" surfers, lifeguards, and other sundry misfits with no futures – aren’t stupid. Many of them have chosen to remain single and who can blame them. It sure beats dealing with O.J. ex-husbands and other men’s snotty kids who view you as nothing more than a piggy bank.

Ouch. The truth hurts.

The writer got a lot of angry feedback, so she wrote a follow-up.

You better believe women will tolerate (though not necessarily accept) cheating if it's part of their Pygmalion project; i.e., if it's one more shortcoming from which they're going to redeem the jerk. This was no generational change. Women have pursued jerks since time immemorial. They've catered to them, had their babies, cleaned their homes, cooked their dinners, and wasted decades of their lives with them. And then one day they suddenly decide they've Finally Had Enough! and (flying to the other extreme) join the Rosie O'Donnell Resentful Dike & Bitter Soccer Mom Brigade. (On so many relational fronts many women so seldom ever find the rational middle ground.)

My point was precisely that jerks come in all varieties and women will probably never tire of pursuing them. They provide a real life soap-opera drama of tension, mind games, and histrionics that women seem to be hopelessly addicted to.

Ladies, If you were bright enough to choose a good man, why not reward yourself and thank him for being good with an extra lovemaking session that you initiate today or tomorrow? Even if it is just a quickie.

I'm convinced that if women were the tit-for-tat recipients of just half of the petty, prima donna antics they dish out to men, there would be a seismic shift in today's relationships. Most men today are just too kowtowed and addicted to sex to ever take a principled stand on anything for long. They're putty in the hands of women wielding the threat of sexual deprivation.

Some guys would be jerks in any environment. But plenty are jerks because they can be, because plenty of women don't demand anything more.

She restates a point she made in the earlier piece:

As I said before and will say again (and women will agree with me as long as it's off the record), women hold far greater potential power in relationships because their consent makes possible every crucial juncture, from the first date, to engagement, to the wedding day. Female consent also controls the timing of these events as well as the nature of the man with which the woman chooses to spend her life. Yet this phenomenal power is continually used in such an irresponsible way and the end results are either a blanket hatred of men or a perplexity as to why they "won't commit."

More and more guys see marriage, given our culture and the women they meet, as a bad deal for them.

Today marriage is increasingly seen as a bad deal for responsible men like my brothers who spent their 20s earning degrees and building their careers as opposed to participating in Spring Break orgies. Sold on the lie that most women desired stable, faithful providers, they have no interest in trading away their standard of living for psychological baggage and numerous financial burdens not of their own making. Why would anyone be flattered to be someone else's last resort?

As far as the jerks go, men who get the benefits of marriage without marriage don't find marriage very appealing. It's not much more complicated than that. If women are really interested in getting men to commit, for starters they should put their pants back on.

When a man speaks or writes these truths, he's slapped with negative labels (such as sexist or misogynist) and assaulted with shaming tactics. But some women see these truths, too. Read both of her commentaries in full. They are still relevant.

Fixating on What You Can't Have

There has been a lot of material of interest in the advice columns lately.

HEARTBROKEN IN INDIANAPOLIS wrote in to Dear Abby:

Why do we fall in love with people who we absolutely, positively cannot have?

I've been there. When I realized my pattern, I wondered if I was avoiding marriage. Of course, I was "having" those women, in some sense. I just couldn't marry them.

A lot of women do this – fall for guys they can't have on a permanent basis. This is a large part of why jerks get chicks. The women are used to being treated poorly, or think they should be treated poorly, or think they can change the jerk (they think they have a magic vagina). Guys who don't want to get married, when they figure this out, love it. They can act like jerks and still get sex, and nobody expects them to commit and stick around. A lot of women come up with a script in their minds about how they want their life to be, and then they cast people in the roles. They'll get a guy to play the role in their script, and it doesn't matter, at least for a while, that he really doesn't fit that role. When she realizes that he doesn't, she may get very upset about it, or she may continue in denial.

Dear Abby responded:

Some people do it because they don't recognize the warning signs quickly enough to back off before becoming enmeshed. Others can't resist a challenge. And still others do it because -- believe it or not -- it's less threatening than falling in love with someone we absolutely, positively CAN have.

All true.

Should She Tell Her Bride Sister the Groom Raped Her?

Can you believe that is even a question?

PREGNANT SISTER wrote into Dear Abby:

I was sexually abused by my sister's boyfriend, "Teddy," three months ago. He is five years older than I am, and now I am pregnant.

Notice the phraseology. She doesn't say that they fooled around. She recognizes what he did as sexual abuse. Although she doesn't give her age, it sounds like she is a minor.

This guy is a creep who should be locked up.

I don't want to tell Teddy or my family because I am afraid of the consequences -- especially because he and my sister are getting married in three months.

Now you know she's immature. She's not realizing that she's about to let her sister marry (and, presumably make babies with), a child molester - or at the very least someone who "cheats" on his fiancée with her sister - or rapist.

I don't want to ruin their marriage, but I can't keep this a secret much longer.

Uh, he is what would ruin their marriage. He is to blame.

I don't know what to do because Teddy is a respectable person and I know they won't believe me if I tell the truth.

No, they think he is a respectable person because nobody has exposed him - and he needs to be exposed. DNA will prove the truth. He'll probably claim that you jumped his bones, but even if it had happened that way, it is no excuse.

Turns out my response is very much like the one Dear Abby gave. I usually read the letter and write my response before I read the actual response, just to compare.

What a creep. If he finds out about the pregnancy, he'll probably try to drive her to an abortion clinic without her family even knowing. And if her sister knows what a creep he is and chooses to look the other way, then she is horrible, too, and has probably passed over some genuinely respectable and nice men. Hopefully, this guy will get prosecuted and the entire family will realize they've dodged a second bullet. Adopt that kid out to a loving mother and father who can take care of a baby, and get this guy away from your family and other families. PLEASE!

Is Your Ex a Jerk? You Picked Him.

I'm on MySpace. No, I'm not trying to pick up on 13-year-old girls, or even trying to get on TV by picking up on a decoy who is working with Chris Hanson of Dateline NBC. I find MySpace helpful because it gathers together many different elements of online communication into one place. I can share pictures and communicated with friends and family all over the world. I clearly state in my profile that I'm happily married and not looking for romatic or sexual attention outside of my marriage.

Anyway, one of my "friends" is a woman with whom I went to high school, for three years at least. She's divorced and raising two boys. Not long ago, she decided to move herself and her boys into her boyfriend's place.

Bad move, of course. But do you think she would listen to reason? Of course now.

I've noticed how much she badmouths her ex. Just recently her update was "[name redacted] IS AT HOME TRYING TO MEND MY KIDS BROKEN HEART FROM THERE FATHER WHO IS AN A-HOLE"

Notice the use of "THERE" instead of "THEIR", and the singular "HEART". But that's not really important.

What's important is... she picked this "A-HOLE". He turned her on enough that she married him and let him impregnate her... twice. Did he magically turn into a jerk after the second kid? My guess is no. He was a jerk all along, and that's what turned her on about him. Until she finally realized that jerks don't make good husbands or fathers.

So her boys are left without their father, and a mother who dates and posts inappropriate stuff online. And now they are living with a man who is not their father and is not married to their mother.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and tell you I haven't made some major mistakes in my life. Oh, I've blown it big time over and over again. There's no doubt about it - I need a Saviour, and I'm so thankful I know Him. But just because I'm not perfect doesn't mean I'm not going write about mistakes other people are making, too. I pray that I will stay focused on Him, and treat my wife in a way that represents His love, so that our marriage will stay strong and happy, and we never subject our children to the pain of divorce.

Finally... ladies... remember.... that jerk turned you on enough that you had sex with him. In some cases, the sex was so good that you married him.

This is one reason why some men consciously act like jerks. It gets the results for which they are looking.