Is This How You Want to Live?

From a recent Dear Abby column, COVERING MY EYES IN TENNESSEE wrote:

I'm so disgusted. My wife has started walking around the house with no panties or bra, letting it all hang out, so to speak. Then she makes comments like, "Doesn't this look good?" I'm sickened by her behavior. I feel violated. How do I tell her to stop without hurting her sensitive feelings?

What a strange thing for a man married to a woman to write.

Why is he reacting this way?

Most men would LOVE this!

Is he gay???

Very, very strange.

Hmm.

What's going on here?

It's Like A Vasectomy Advertisement

MISSING THE CLOSENESS wrote in to Dear Abby:

A decade ago, before my wife and I had children, we were deeply in love with each other. Everything was great in the bedroom and outside. After we had children, my wife did a 180. She's no longer affectionate with me at all.

We barely hold hands, we never hug, and kissing is prohibited except maybe a kiss before bed. We kiss like it's an obligation. There's no touching in our relationship.

Why aren't you rushing to get married, men??? I am emphasizing certain words and phrases because a lot of comments accused him of only caring about sex.

In the bedroom we used to be more physical and less restrained. I wanted her to be satisfied, without getting more specific. Now, if we are intimate, it's once a month during the summer and maybe twice a month otherwise. She won't allow me to touch parts of her body, and she's physically and emotionally remote.

Wow, he might be getting more sex than me. How sad for my marriage.

When I addressed this with her, she informed me that other couples are intimate less frequently than we are.

True! And some husbands torture and murder their wife.

Dear Abby Gets It Right In Reponse to Thrown In Kansas

A woman was having a great marriage at a time in her life many women no longer have any marriage at all, but she's found a way to ruin it, as she detailed in her letter to an advice column.

Dear Abby gave a great answer.

THROWN IN KANSAS wrote:

My husband and I are in our early 70s. We have been married seven years.

So, there's a lot of history for each one of them.

I was celibate before we met and thrilled to have a partner I respected and was attracted to.

Maybe she means chaste? Or does she meant she had never married? If she means she was chaste, especially for her entire life, then she likely doesn't have much of a libido.

Our sex life seemed normal and exciting with lots of kisses and hugs throughout the day.

So, she was happy with their level of affection and the sex.

Recently, I caught him on a phone sex call and then discovered he visits sex chat rooms. I'm devastated.

Why devastated? He's much more horny than his wife and so he seeks relief.

I feel betrayed and angry that my trust has been violated.

Trust? How does this in any way mean she can't trust him? Did he explicitly agree he'd never do anything like that?

After several attempts to lie, he finally admitted the truth, but said it was a "recent" thing -- which was even more insulting!

My therapist says men don't suddenly take up phone sex and pornography in their 70s.

They do if they're not getting as much sex as they want.

When I shared that with my husband, he revealed it wasn't "as often" in the past. He swears he loves me and will get help, but I can't imagine how I can trust him again.

"Get help?" He's saying these things because you are upset. He tried to deny what was going on because he has difficulty being honest about his sexual nature, and she clearly has trouble dealing with the reality.

He doesn't seem to want to talk about it any further, other than taking some online classes dealing with porn addiction.

Why would he want to talk about it? The truth is upsetting to you. "Porn addiction" is a term used by grifters, hysterics, and their marks. It's not an official diagnosis.

Our relationship has always been cordial and friendly and that continues, though I'm no longer willing to have sex at this time.

So he's DEFINITELY going to seek relief. "My husband is hornier than I am, so my solution is to not have sex with him at all!"

My impulse is to bolt. I'm too old to deal with this nonsense, and I just want to live the rest of my life in peace.

Want peace? Accept male sexual nature for what it is. If you won't do that, leave. You might be able to find a man who has no drive or interest, but is that what you want? The pickings of men in general are slim at your age, and you had  a good thing going with this guy.

Dear Abby responded:

Please ignore your impulse to bolt. When you started your letter, you stated you had a good marriage to a man you respect and are attracted to -- with the bonus of kisses and hugs throughout the day. Your husband isn't having physical contact with anyone on the "hotline."

True. But maybe he should go out and have an affair instead.

If your therapist hasn't told you, many thousands of individuals of both sexes consider porn to be erotica and helpful, and many couples use it to enhance their sex lives.

Porn panic people will say that porn use is "linked" to relationship problems. But what they don't tell you is that the "link" is either that the relationship was already in trouble and/or that a partner's panic over porn caused the problems. Beyond that, compulsive people tend to do things compulsively, which may include watching porn. The core issue is their compulsiveness.

Rather than sacrifice what has been a successful marriage, you and your husband would be better off scheduling some appointments with a marriage and family therapist, and possibly one who specializes in sex therapy to help you overcome your emotional issue on this highly personal subject.

Obviously, anyone consulted should not be someone who buys into porn panic. And the concern for me is making sure he's avoiding being scammed.

She was getting what she wanted and everything she needed from their sex life. He wasn't. He needs more. If it's mostly a matter of frequency, is she willing to have sex more? If he "needs" variety, she might not be able to do anything about that. If she no longer wants to have sex with him, either she needs to accept he's going to seek relief even more or this marriage is over.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2023/06/07https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2023/06/07
Abby is going to get absurd letters and comments about how his enjoying what he does is going to turn him into a serial killer or cause children to be abused. Even some people who are usually rational and reasonable throw logic and sense out the window when it comes to erotica.

More Relationship Joy From Dear Abby Column

Both letters in a recent Dear Abby column caught my eye.

BEWILDERED IN CANADA wrote:

I married for the second time two years ago to a younger woman.

BIG MISTAKE. Canada is NOT a place a man should want to get legally married, let alone for a second time.

Seven months after our wedding, she announced she didn't like my dominating personality, which is why she was stepping out of the marriage. She then went back to her deadbeat ex-boyfriend for six months.

That should have been the end of it.

Dear Abby Prints Letter Misusing The Word "Addiction"

BROKEN-HEARTED IN OREGON wrote to Dear Abby:

For the past three years I've been with a man I believe is the love of my life.

Your belief is probably delusional.

Early on, he admitted to a porn addiction that has plagued him his entire life and sabotaged past relationships.

That should have been your clue to run. Not because he has the NATURAL enjoyment of seeing depictions of erotic situations, but because he called it an addiction.

But you didn't run, did you? Of course not!

"I can HELP him! I have the magic vagina!!!"

With my support, he began his first real attempt at recovery, which included a team of mental health practitioners.

What a waste of resources. And what exactly was her support? Nagging? Did she pay for this team?

His progress over the past three years, while not linear, has been tremendous. He's an entirely different person.

Right. Because the problem wasn't porn. Excessive viewing, if it was excessive, was a symptom.

I would describe our relationship as 90% joyful, 10% agony (he has had four brief relapses, during which he has said incredibly hurtful things to me).

Pixels are not booze or LSD. Whatever he said to you was likely the truth about how he feels or thinks.

A week ago, he had a difficult relapse and ended our relationship.

Sounds like he has more sense than you.

His therapist feels he needs to be on his own to focus on recovery.

That's two votes.

While I am devastated, I agree.

Case closed, then, right???

But I can't understand why he's giving up on us forever and making big decisions like getting off the mortgage on the house we bought less than two years ago.

Because he never should have been on that mortgage and he doesn't want to be with you. NEVER take out a mortgage with someone else.

He swears it has nothing to do with me, and that if it weren't for this addiction, he would spend the rest of his life with me.

He's trying to let you down easy. He doesn't want to be with you.

If his plan is to live alone, be single or celibate, and focus on recovery, why wouldn't he also pause on major financial decisions?

Because his plan is to do other women without having to hide it from you.

Why is he so completely done when there is clearly hope for recovery and reconciliation?

What are YOU addicted to? It's clouding your brain.

Yet another example of how supposedly exclusive relationships don't work out.

Letter to Dear Abby Is Another Example of Why Not to Marry

Many women put in their dating profiles that they've "had their fun." Now they're ready for some sucker to who will be "dependable" and won't get the excitement her past lovers did. Consider what "CORNERED IN LOUISIANA" wrote to Dear Abby.

I am a 44-year-old woman who has been married for three years. We all have a past. Unfortunately, I made mistakes in mine that I foolishly mentioned to my husband when he asked.

I'd be interested in know how and when he asked.

I had a threesome in my early 20s, which I didn't think was a big deal because I was young and experimenting with my sexuality.

But it was a "mistake"?

He's now insisting on my having one with him.

Well, yeah. Nowhere is religion or morality mentioned in this letter. Threesomes are an extremely common fantasy for men, and this is widely known. Absent a shared religion or moral code that prohibits it, OF COURSE he wants a threesome.

He thinks I cheated on him because when we met nine years ago, I was still friends with the people involved.

Did he REALLY say it that way? If so that's ridiculous, but really... would you be OK if he was still friends with people he'd had sex with but he didn't tell you? And note guys, please note that when a woman say's "He's just a friend" it could mean that she's had sex with him.

Now, what he might mean is that he feels cheated because you were willing to do things (that he wants) with others that you won't do with him, the guy who signed on the dotted line and "layed down his life" for you, as Dr. Laura puts it.

I love him, but I feel like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. What should I do?

What does that even mean? Did you not enjoy the threesome? If you handled it right, it wouldn't be just about him. You'd enjoy it, too.

What should you do? Don't do anything you don't want to do. And he shouldn't do anything he doesn't want to do.

Wife Is Itching to Tear Down Her Husband

Dear Abby can be a great column to check regularly to be reminded why you don't want to marry. DONE WITH IT IN MAINE wrote to tell the world how awful her husband is. 

I have been married for 14 years to a man a lot of people in our town think has no flaws.

That's how the letter starts. Everyone knows he has flaws. But he's respected. And that's driving his wife nuts!

He helps a lot of people, and he is also a pastor,

Pastors are supposed to help people, yes.

It's Amost His Time

There are two basic models of "relationships" that "work" for men.

The first is the all-in, marriage-minded one. Granted, this fails most of the time as either she divorces you, or cheats on you, or kills you, or becomes indifferent towards you, or unbearable to live with. But for a few people, usually people who are both enthusiastically following a conservative religious framework together, it "works" in that they stay together and won't admit to entertaining a desire to have a different life.

The other is the Leykis 101 life or something very similar to it, in which a guy is just enough of an aloof jerk that women will hook up with him for a while without expecting much from him. Guys can get just about all of the sex they want without any of the stuff they don't want (paying her bills, dealing with her friends and family, etc.)

If not one of those, a guy "should" be full-on MGTOW and stay out of the mess entirely. Because otherwise, you get people like this guy who wrote to Dear Abby.

Let's look at the letter from SOMEBODY'S BOYFRIEND IN MICHIGAN. 

Recent Dear Abby Columns Should Be a Warning Against Marrying

A couple of recent Dear Abby columns caught my eye. You can really learn a lot about why you don't want to get married or have children by reading Dear Abby.

SPOIL ME, PLEASE, IN OHIO wrote:

My husband and I have been happily married for seven years. He recently graduated from his final residency, and after 11 years of post-high school education, he is finally out practicing.

During all those years, I supported us financially.

Awwww, how nice!

Ten Simple Rules

What have you learned from your favorite columnist, radio host, books, websites, teacher?

A SURVIVOR IN NEW HAMPSHIRE wrote in to Dear Abby with a "top ten" list of Dear Abby lessons this person has learned.

1. No one can "make" you unhappy. You have choices.

I broadly agree with this, though there are some cases where it just isn't true, such as a child who is severely abused by the very people who are supposed to care for her. Can she really choose to be happy? But yes, a lot of adults are unhappy because they either literally choose to be, or they make choices that make them unhappy. You probably know someone who is only "happy" (comfortable, reall) when they are miserable.

2. The healthiest way to cure depression? Volunteer your hands and your heart.

I once heard in church an acronym for this – JOY, standing for "Jesus, others, and you". Seek to follow Jesus, seek to help others, and then tend to what you want, and you'll be a lot happier - Especially if you have people in your life who also follow this advice, and thus help you.

3. The best advice for raising children? Remember that you raise them to let them go.

I don't know if that is the best advice, but it is important to remember that parents should exert influence over their children and do so with the goal of making them self-sufficient and pleasant adults.

4. The best person with whom to discuss marital difficulties? Your spouse. Complaining to others may make you feel better for a day, but it will be at the expense of your marriage.

I fall short here. I am careful about what I say to others who know my wife, but ideally I use this blog to anonymously work through what goes on in my head, so that I will only bother my wife with what needs to be shared with her, and hopefully with a possible solution offered at the same time. But I fall short in bringing up everything with her that I should.

5. Don't "protect" those you love from the pain that will heal them.

Sometimes, there are lessons that need to be learned.

6. Never criticize without working toward a solution, particularly when it comes to politics.

People need to vent. But if it is possible to direct energy towards improvement, that is the best way to deal with anger or discontent.

7. Never forget abuse nor tolerate it again, but do forgive the abuser.

Only forgive an abuser who is truly repentant, but do not trust them with those you are obligated to protect.

8. What (and whom) you love is not shown through words but by where you devote your time, your energy and money.

For sure.

9. You are what you eat, read and watch on TV.

This is why you should never eat fruits, nuts, and vegetables, right?

10. Life is linear. Make every moment matter.

Yes, we only are this age for a moment, and we have a finite amount of time in this life.

Dear Abby points out she has never written that one should feel obligated to forgive and abuser.

There really aren't all that many rules one needs to follow to have a good life. The problem comes in dealing with the pain that can come from doing the right thing, dealing with delayed gratification, etc. Just consider the Ten Commandments. If everyone followed them, the problems of this world would be few.

Dating Parents and A Questionable Ring

I usually wait a while before commenting on advice column installments (for more than one reason), but today, I just couldn’t sit on what I found in Dear Margo and Dear Abby, especially with Valentine's Day coming up.

"Torn" writes in to Dear Margo, and it gets titled "No One Needs a 17-Year-Old Dictator".

I am in my 50s, have been divorced for 10 years and have a 17-year-old daughter. Her dad is remarried.

That's too bad.

I’ve been seeing someone for 13 months, and my daughter can't stand him.

You started seeing him when she was 15 or so?

He is a nice guy, and there are no behaviors to dislike.

To you.

In fact, he's rarely been around her. She has no reason; she says she just doesn't like him and doesn't want him around.

She's 17. She's dealing with school and major choices about the future and teen drama. Her dad was already taken from her in a new marriage. Maybe she wants her mother to herself for her few remaining months at home, without her mother going through the drama and emotions of a dating relationship?

How to handle this?

Take a break from the dating. Go back to dating after she is 18 and on her own.

I've told her it’s my choice and my house, and I can have company.

It sure is your house. But she is your daughter. It was your choice to bring her into the world and raise her. Your obligation is to her, for a few more months.

(He has never stayed overnight with her around, only for a dinner here and there.)

Well, that's good that he hasn't stayed overnight with her around. But even if she's naïve she knows what happens when she isn't there.

The comments so far are mostly from people who suggest that the teen is being unjustly selfish or that perhaps the guy has made moves on her or has said things to her she found threatening. Certainly, the 17-year-old is more at risk for abuse because of the situation – according to statistics.

Dear Margo replied:

My position has always been that kids don't get a vote unless the "interloper" is obviously disreputable, snippy to the kid or a felon.

Wouldn't want to tick off your readers, now would you?

I think the approach you’ve been taking is just fine, and I would urge you to push her to articulate her dislike, and also to stick to your guns — in this case, your man.

He's not her man. He is someone she's doing. If she really isn't spending all that much time with him, it is not unlikely he is doing other women, too.

There's another letter is from a daughter whose father is planning to remarry near the time of his son's (her brother's) bar mitzvah. So that guy has a child as young as 12, and he's off and running with a new woman while the divorce is still in progress.

I hope I'm never in the position to be an unmarried parent of minor children. But if that happens to me, I would hope I would make my children more of a priority.

Dear Abby has this letter from DUMBFOUNDED OR JUST DUMB? IN FLORIDA:

I have been dating a man for four years.

Why four years? Was someone in school? In debt? What? When the (exclusive) dating goes on for more than two years, I have to wonder why someone who is marriage-minded would do that.

I told him I am ready to end our relationship if he isn't ready to get married within the next year.

Don't let the door hit you. What's he going to get by marrying you that he isn't getting now?

Two months ago, he gave me a beautiful 2 1/2-carat diamond ring and announced to family and friends that we are engaged.

Did he actually propose? Some guys do this to keep the sex going a while longer.

He has not discussed any wedding plans, but he says the wedding will be within the time frame I am asking for.

Sounds like you are getting down to the wire.

I went to a jeweler today to have the band on my ring enlarged a bit and was told that my stone is not a real diamond.

Why did you need the band enlarged? That could be a clue to what is going on.

Abby, this man owns his own business and is wealthy!

1) So what? Why is he obligated to buy you a 2 1/2-carat real diamond? What have you bought for him?

2) Are you sure he's wealthy? He could be in massive debt, either to the IRS or others.

He spends thousands on golf trips every year and just spent a great deal of money on high-end house furnishings.

And so maybe there is little left over? Is this guy really marriage material, or are you letting your "time invested" and your beliefs about his wealth blind you to something like bad priorities (if you’re looking for a husband) or bad spending habits?

I am embarrassed to tell anyone of this fraud.

Then don't. And it isn't a fraud unless he told you it is a real diamond. Or maybe he doesn't know himself and got cheated.

Am I fooling myself thinking that this man truly wants to marry me?

Probably. Why else would he go four years without asking you to marry him, and only buy you a ring after you gave a deadline? The cheaper ring is a less costly investment for him if he's just trying to get sex out of you for as long as he can. Dear Abby told her to talk with him about it. What's he going to say?

At least Dear Abby printed this suggestion from SERVICE OFFICER, AMERICAN LEGION POST IN MAINE:

Please remind your readers that a nice thing to do on Valentine's Day is to go to a veteran's hospital to visit the veterans who are there -- especially those from World War II, whose numbers are dwindling. The wards generally have parties going on for them.

Try to attend. You'll find a group of very appreciative people there.

Great idea.

Dear Margo on Two Marriages

When we read advice columns or listen to radio call-in shows, or read the paper, rarely are we going to see or hear "I love marriage! I love my spouse! Everything is fantastic!" Just something to keep in mind as we look at yet another Dear Margo column dealing with bad marriages.

SEX STARVED wrote:

My wife and I have been married for 25 years. She is 60 and I am 63. For the first 20 years we had what I would call a very normal marriage. Plenty of sex and intimacy. About five years ago she announced she no longer had any desire to have sex. The closest we have come to intimacy since then is kissing when either of us leaves the house, and we hold hands when we go to sleep.

Poor fella.

I tried to talk to her about this, but she is adamant about her lack of interest. I’m actually surprised I have managed to last this long without straying, but as far as I’m concerned, that is not an option, even in these circumstances.

Well, good for him.

Dear Margo rightly told him that she could see a medical specialist to change the situation. Unfortunately, she has to be willing to go. Unless he also wants to be unfaithful (and make no mistake – she is being unfaithful), he's at her mercy.

Some generally good guys read stuff like that and it scares them away from marriage. They'd rather either fornicate (not the Christian thing to do) or be celibate by their choice, not by someone else's. They also maintain more of their autonomy by being unmarried, and don't have to share quarters and finances and decisions. The more of their male relatives, friends, and coworkers they see miserable in their marriages, the less likely they are going to be inclined to marry.

The second letter isn't encouraging, either.

BAFFLED wrote:

I have been married to a truck driver for three years. I know he loves me, but our relationship has become a routine.

Well, yes, that can happen in a marriage. Stability isn't a bad thing, is it? Taking each other for granted is.

I find we no longer talk and I don't feel we are even friends anymore.

Maybe you need a girlfriend?

I have started talking to a gentleman who is 11 years my senior and has become a friend. He now says he loves me and wants to plan a future together.

That's not a gentleman. He's a guy.

I do still find my husband attractive, but this other man says all the right things and seems to be financially secure, which my husband is not.

Is this a new thing that happened after you married? I wonder if she pressured him to propose, or if he made that mistake purely through his own foolishness?

It would be nice to know that all of my bills are paid, and I’d like my partner to be my friend, as well as a mate. What should I do?

Get a job. You didn't mention kids, so if you want your bills paid, get a job and pay for them. He's out working, and she's bored and complaining. Really, how bad are things? She's still attracted to her husband, he's working, and she knows he loves her.

Dear Margo’s advice is decent. I seem to be finding less outrageous advice in these columns, as if men suddenly matter, too. That's a good thing.

Sister Concerned About Brother, Mother

Just in time for Thanksgiving comes this Dear Abby column.

DESPERATE SIS IN ILLINOIS wrote:

I'm concerned about my 37-year-old brother, "Ricky," who still lives at home with our mother.

You know, it is one thing if you leave home after high school or college and then have to move back in temporarily for some reason, or if your parent or parent(s) need to move in with you after you have established your own place. But never leaving is usually a problem. I know someone who is on track to be in this situation – should his mother still be alive when he is 37.

Ricky is good-looking, never married and has never really had a girlfriend.

This is presented as though either Ricky has some sort of socialization problem or his mother is preventing him from forming relationships with others. Since he never left home, it really doesn't matter if he is good looking. What woman with any choice is going to choose a man who has never left home? Now, what could be going on is that Ricky may going out and fornicating without getting into relationships. Think "booty call." Perhaps he likes the financial security he has with his living arrangements, and he gets his physical release with no strings attached. It is entirely possible, especially if he is good-looking.

Our father passed away four years ago, and since then our mother has become dependent on Ricky for everything.

Is she really, or is she just emotionally needy? I can believe she is actually dependent on him if her husband always did everything for her and she married before ever establishing herself as an individual in the first place. That's one reason people should not marry too young.

Neither one has any friends outside the family.

Usually not a good sign.

I try to get my brother to come out and meet people and have some fun, but he generally declines.

Maybe he feels overshadowed by you, or maybe he isn't in to your crowd.

If he does agree to come, Mother comes with him.

Maybe he wants to get her out, too. But yeah, it would be good if he could go places without her. And maybe he does. Like, say late at night.

They almost act like a married couple.

Yeah, well, there’s the rub, so to speak. As I said before, Ricky may be a player. Heck, he could be a closeted (at least to you) homosexual. Or he could have little or no interest in sex (there are a small minority of men out there like that), or not interested in relationships/marriage. There's even the possibility that Ricky and Mother are more like a married couple than you'd want to ever think about. As bizarre as that sounds, that isn't unheard of, not even in a Dear Abby column. And if we’re a society that says "love" is the determining factor in making a relationship right or not, then who is to say that would be wrong? It's not like your mother is going to have more children, after all.

Dear Abby responded:

Start by having a frank talk with your brother and asking him if he likes living his life this way. There has to be a reason why a good-looking, 37-year-old man has never had a girlfriend. Maybe he doesn't want one.

I’m glad she offers that possibility.

After that, it's time to have a chat with your mother. I don't know how old she is, but one would think that she might like to "play" with people her own age.

How about asking her what she is doing to prepare her son to be independent? After all, chances are he's going to outlive her.

If she doesn't, then MYOB.

Now there's some good advice.

Twelve Year Old Worried About Superficiality

PLAIN OLD ME IN NORTH CAROLINA writes into Dear Abby:

I am a 12-year-old, and I'm not pretty.

Most twelve-year-olds think this about themselves. Quite often, they are wrong. But guess what? Some of the women considered most beautiful today will tell you that they thought they were ugly at age twelve, or that others thought they were ugly. You have a lot of growing left to do.

I just started seventh grade, and I have noticed that people date each other based completely on looks.

Seventh graders shouldn’t be dating, unless you are talking about spending time with each other’s families pretty much like you would someone you were "just friends" with.

Many adults date each other completely on looks, too, by the way.

I think that's superficial, and I wouldn't want to date someone just because of it.

Superficial? How deep do you expect twelve year olds to be when it comes to dating? They should be focusing on school and hobbies.

People are passed over because of their looks who may actually be nice people inside.

That’s going to happen all through life. I’m not saying it is right – I’m saying that’s just the way it is. You can decide not to pass someone up because of their looks. But you can’t keep someone else from passing you up because of your looks.

The fact is, more attractive people have some things easier in life. Especially women. We do a disservice to our youth when we lie about that. This girl may blossom into a very attractive woman (heck she could already be a pretty girl). There are things she can do to make that more likely. While genes play a large role, they aren’t the only things at work. Diet, exercise, dental care, grooming, poise, attitude, the ability to flirt; knowing which clothing, hair style, and makeup applications flatter her most… those can all help.

She needs to learn about herself, though, and what she wants to do with her life, because that will determine what kind of man, if any, she wants to attract and keep, and that will determine how she socializes.

Most of all, she should be focusing on her studies, hobbies, and interpersonal skills at that age. It can seem like “everyone” is dating, but they aren’t and most of those that are shouldn’t be.

Fathers, let your daughters know they are valuable for more than just their appearance – that they can get attention from males without exposing themselves.

Dear Abby responds:

Good looks can be an asset.

Darn right.

However, before you put yourself down anymore about what you inherited from your parents, it's important that you give yourself a reality check. Their appearance didn't prevent them from finding each other attractive and falling in love.

You’re assuming she isn’t the result of a drunken one night stand.

Also, it takes some people longer to mature into their final "product" than it does others. In other words, the way you look now at age 12 isn't necessarily the way you will look by the middle or end of your teens.

That’s what I said. That reminds me. Social networking sites reveal some very interesting results of time. Some of the girls that had the run of the school because they were considered pretty ain't so pretty anymore, and some of the girls who didn't turn heads now do.

That's why it is so important to develop your personality and your mind, so you will have tools for success later in life.

Even the most beautiful women should know a few things so that they don’t end up destitute when they age. If your plan is to marry rich, it is still possible for him to spend all of the money and die or have it all taken away due to crime or bad investments, and then what would you do? We have many examples of people who have made tens of millions of dollars who later went broke. She should learn to be a happy and productive person own her own. If she wants a relationship and finds one, great.

More Marriage Fun in Dear Abby

PRACTICAL IN DENVER, who “despises” wearing rings, yet plans to get engaged, wrote:

I have an expensive heirloom ring I would gladly give to my lady if she'd keep it in the safe deposit box where it belongs. I don't want to insure it, deal with it if she loses it, or know I caused her to be injured if a thug tried to steal it. If I give it to her, she'll want to wear it.

I wonder if this guy even has a good reason for proposing? While their obvious disagreement over wearing jewelry should not be a dealbreaker, I do have to wonder if this guy has stepped back to take a look at the larger picture.

She doesn't need an ornament to prove she's special or loved.

No, she doesn’t. Come to think of it, I can’t recall a good explanation for why a man who does want to get married should buy an engagement ring for a woman. Don’t pull out the “tradition” card unless you are consistent about sticking to tradition. Life has changed. Women can vote now. They own their own property, earn their own money, and have their own authority. So why is a man supposed to spend thousands of dollars on a ring? Wouldn’t that money be better served building a life together?

I'd rather give her an annuity or something useful.

Not a bad idea.

I feel the same when I see rings in the workplace and socially. Why not just duct-tape a $1,000 bill to your forehead if you want to call attention to yourself?

It’s called “pretend”. We’ve pretended that gold and diamonds are classy in a way that wearing cash isn’t.

He should keep the heirloom, and if he’s going to give her a ring, it should be a new one.

Dear Abby responded:

Before you pop the question, be absolutely sure you and your lady have a meeting of the minds on this subject.

Sounds like a good idea.

Candidly, from the tone of your letter you come across as rigid, opinionated and controlling.

Of course! A man who doesn’t want to blow thousands of dollars on a ring for someone else is controlling. Any man who doesn’t allow women to run his life is controlling.

While you are entitled to your biases, if you marry an "intelligent and productive working woman," she should be able to decide for herself what kind of jewelry is appropriate.

She sure can. She can also buy it herself.

Also, I find it sad that you would rather keep an expensive heirloom ring hidden in a safety deposit box than have your lady enjoy it -- presuming, of course, that it's her taste and she WOULD enjoy wearing it.

And assuming, that the laws of his state and the practicalities of the courts there make it reasonably certain he would get the ring back without penalty if she decided to commit adultery and file for divorce.

TROUBLED IN TORONTO wrote in:

I'm a divorcee, dating a man I'll call "Jack," who has been separated from his wife for three years. We've known each other two years and have been intimate for 11 months now.

So you are fornicating with a married man.

Jack's daughter is being married in Mexico in two months. I have met both his adult children; they seem happy he is finally in a relationship. The problem is, Jack hasn't invited me to the wedding.

Fornicating with someone does not make you part of the family.

Jack attended my son's wedding with me last summer. It was 1,500 miles away. I had no problem taking him there.

You were free to make that choice. He is free to make his. You are free to stop fornicating with him. Although it does seem strange to take a married man with whom you are fornicating to a wedding. I mean, why celebrate marriage if you don't actually respect marriage and see a difference between someone being married and someone no longer being married?

Jack says he isn't divorced because he doesn't want to "pay the cost" of one -- although he does have a separation agreement.

I know a lot of women scoff at that, but divorce is costly for men.

I suspect he wants to avoid the stress of revealing our relationship to his former wife, who left him after 25 years of marriage.

Or maybe you are more of a booty call? Or maybe his daughter doesn’t want you there? Maybe he is hoping his wife will come back? Maybe it is all of the above?

Dear Margo Advises Catholic Guy About His Dating

HEARTSICK recently wrote in to Dear Margo:

I am a 23-year-old Catholic male. The last serious relationship I was in ended when I was 17.

That wasn’t really a serious relationship. It only felt like it to you.

Even though we dated for three years, we never went "all the way."

Good for you.

Now I am intimidated by women who have more sexual history than I do.

Intimidated? Is that the right word? You should only be intimidated if they are
assaulting you.

I have always believed that one sexual partner for one's entire life is the ideal.

You mean you believe in line with your religion? Wow. Imagine that.

Here comes the fun part.

Recently, a 20-year-old woman whom I care for deeply told me in explicit detail about a sexual experience she had with a 45-year-old man she met on the Internet.

RED FLAGS! (And there’s that “met on the Internet” thing again. It is completely irrelevant. It is like saying “met in a library”. Come to think of it, he might be in the "friend" category for her anyway, making this whole thing pointless.)

She did not mean to have sex with him, she told me, and the circumstances as she explained them sounded like borderline rape.

Hmmmm. So she thought a 45-year-old man simply found her, a 20-year-old, so fascinating and insightful, that he just had to meet her in person, in private? Hey, I speak from experience - when a 45 year old you met online wants to spend time with you and you are 20, they want sex; even if the sexes are reversed. (No, I'm nowhere near 45. You figure it out.)

Okay – let’s go over the possibilities here:

1) She was naïve and showed very poor judgment and wanted to get her ego stroked so badly that she put herself in a very bad situation and was raped. I do not excuse rape, just like I do not excuse grand theft auto, but I think someone who leaves the keys in the ignition and the car door open and unattended is still an idiot.

2) She is not telling you the truth or telling it wholly or accurately. This could be because she doesn’t want to take responsibility for her own actions, so she could be recasting her fornication as rape.

3) She attracts “dangerous” men.

Do you want to be with a woman like that? At the very least, she isn’t ready to be in a healthy relationship. Actually, at 23, you probably have some more time to go before you see someone exclusively anyway. You should be out dating various women so you can be sure to develop a good idea of what kind of woman you enjoy spending time with. Wish someone would have told me that when I was 23.

Think about this – if this woman engaged willingly in fornication with this guy and then later recasts it as rape, she is more likely to do the same with you. False rape accusations are nothing to take lightly.

However, if she was raped, you can hardly call this “sexual experience”. And if she was raped, she should turn that guy in to law enforcement.

I am afraid that if I stay involved with her, the knowledge of that experience will eat away at me.

Leave now. If she was raped, she doesn’t need someone like you adding to her troubles. If she simply had sex she claims to regret, it will still bother you. Either way, it is best to move on.

Doesn’t the Roman Catholic Church have all sorts of people for this guy to turn to for advice in situations like this? It seems to me that writing in to Dear Margo is fishing for getting the exact answer he wants to hear.

Dear Margo responded:

I encourage you to move away from your instinct to "fully understand" or to find and punish this man.

Move away altogether.

It would be a shame to end the relationship because of something basically out of this woman's control.

Would it really? Should everyone volunteer to subject themselves to a relationship with someone with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? We’re not talking a married couple where one spouse gets traumatized. We’re talking about a new dating situation. If he doesn’t want to knowingly enter in to a new relationship with someone who has PTSD, that is his choice and certainly understandable.

Because you say you are intimidated by women more experienced than you are, perhaps a few sessions with a mental health professional will help you over this hurdle.

Be sure to pick a solid Catholic, or at least Biblical counselor. Otherwise, you’ll get someone who will tell you that the solution is to fornicate a lot. Or, you could stick to women who don’t have more “experience” than you. There’s nothing wrong with that. But make no mistake: If someone is raped, that does not mean something is wrong with them or they are sexually impure.

Checking in on Dear Abby Again

More often then not, I see stuff in advice columns that I want to discuss here. But I run out of time. Couldn’t let this one slip.

LOST IN THE BIG CITY wrote in to Dear Abby:

Nine months ago, my wife, "Marie," left to go shopping and never came back. She took off leaving me and our three sons, ages 12, 14 and 16, without a word.

Wow, that’s very irresponsible of a spouse and parent.

We had been married 25 years.

Which means in a lot of places, she could file for divorce and live off alimony for the rest of her life. Yeah, that's justice.

We had no contact for the first three months, and she has not helped support the kids in any way. She told no one -- including her family -- that she had left.

Sounds like she has a problem with communication.

Marie has recently started talking about coming home, but I have mixed feelings. I asked why she left. She said she was unhappy and tired of living a lie. What lie? Marie refuses to elaborate.

She might expect you to read her mind, and be insulted that you are unaware of her pain and suffering.

Two of our sons don't want her back.

They don’t really get a say. They are minor children. The parents run the home.

They felt abandoned when she disappeared.

They were abandoned by her!

Dear Abby responded:

Under the circumstances, I'd say the feelings you and the boys are experiencing are normal. However, all of you need to come to terms with why your wife and their mother walked out so abruptly. Before she returns, it is important that you understand why she felt that leaving the way she did was her only option.

There is some truth to this. It would be helpful for the husband to figure out what went wrong and what his part was in it – even it was nothing more than choosing the wrong woman to marry and make three children with. He could have been an excellent husband for 25 years, but if he picked the wrong woman, this kind of thing could happen anyway.

HOWEVER, can anyone imagine this would be Dear Abby’s response if it was a wife writing about her husband having left and wanting to come back, but not confessing what he did and why? Regardless of gender, the unhappy spouse should explain the reason for their unhappiness, unless it is something that can’t be changed or was previously mutually accepted as part of their lives. The spouse/parent who bailed out so irresponsibly should confess their error, repent of it, beg forgiveness, and get help. The abandoned spouse should try to determine if there was anything reasonable that they could have done differently, but not excuse the desertion.

The entire family needs counseling together.

The husband should also look into having her sign a post-nuptial agreement and some other paperwork that will protect the rest of the family should she decide to leave again. I doubt that he can legally prevent her from moving back in, which means he probably has no leverage to get her to sign such paperwork, but he should definitely consult with an attorney anyway.

Marrying a Boy, Expecting a Man?

HOME ALONE IN WEST VIRGINIA wrote in to Dear Abby:

My husband of three years, "Mike," is never home.

Was he like this before you married? Did the two of you discuss your expectations about married life ahead of time?

He goes to work and then hangs out with his buddies,

I’ll assume this is not a once-in-a-while thing and is more like a typical day. If so, he shouldn’t be doing that. Why do you think he prefers being with his buddies all of the time instead of you? Is he gay? Why else would he not want to come home to an inviting place; spend time with his kind, loving, supportive, beautiful wife (including time in bed); and enjoy a home cooked meal? Or is he not getting any of those things when he is home?

leaving me at home with our baby and my two other children until late at night.

Ah. The picture becomes a little more clear. How have things been since the baby was born? Since you got pregnant? Was he agreeable and enthusiastic to having a child? He shouldn’t have dated a woman with minor children to begin with. And you shouldn’t have been dating - you should have been concentrating on raising the two children you already had. But what is done is done, and now you are writing into an advice column.

Most of the time he doesn't bother to call, but when he does I'm usually so mad I don't answer the phone.

Well that will be sure to encourage him to call more often, won’t it?

My friends say they think Mike has someone else. I'm not sure.

Well, are you meeting his needs? Did you choose your husband wisely?

This has been going on for a year and a half, and I am tired of it.

So, about the time you got pregnant?

Then the picture becomes a little more clear…

When he's home, all he does is play video games.

Abby, Mike is 34 years old. I am 41.

Hmmmm. Now, I have nothing women who date younger men. I enjoyed that arrangement more than once. Nor do I think it is wrong for a grown man to enjoy video games, even though I’m not a gamer. However, perhaps you married a man who was looking for mommy, or you have insisted on being his mommy? Why did you choose a younger man – probably because you thought his youth was exciting, right? Well, here you go. Sounds like you married a boy, not a man.

He has touched me only once in the last four months.

Either he has come to see you as mommy, or you have let yourself go, or you rejected him one too many times, or he’s no good and decided to get it elsewhere. Heck, he could have a whole other life if he is really gone that much. Or it could be all of those things. Dear Abby pretty much says the same things – except for the part where she might have let herself go or rejected him – she wouldn’t want to upset her base.

Dear Abby: Okay to Stay With a Sex Offender, But Dump a Self-Centered Husband

Okay, it has been way too long since I’ve discussed advice columns here. There has been plenty of material – and maybe I will go back and do some of them – but I couldn’t pass up this latest one from Dear Abby.

CONFUSED AND TORN IN ILLINOIS writes:

I have been in a relationship with "Wade" for six years.

Translation: I have been fornicating with Wade for six years, hoping he has been fornicating only with me, even though we’re not married.

He has gotten into trouble and can't be around children because he's a registered sex offender.

Hmmm. There are some details missing here. A sex offender could be someone who got caught going to a prostitute. Do you mean he is a child molester? Either way, as a man, it sure is nice to know that no matter what I do, I can still find a woman who will fornicate with me.

Okay, this is where it starts to get really good.

I have an 11-month-old daughter by him.

Genius! Make a baby with a registered sex offender who “can’t be around children”. Make a baby with someone who is not married to you. I’m surprised she is able to write.

I want to be with Wade and work our relationship out,

Translation: I have extremely low self-esteem, I don’t use the brain God gave me, and Wade gives me orgasms and/or makes more money than I do.

but if I do, I'll have to give custody of my daughter to my parents and live in my own place with him.

Gee, that’s a tough one. Abandon my daughter, or dump the sex offender who hasn’t bothered to marry me. Hmmmm. Oh, how to choose?!?

But wait – there’s more!

I'm in love with Wade, but I don't know if he loves or wants to be with me anymore despite the fact he keeps saying he wants to be with me.

The dude will say whatever he has to in order to keep your legs open, Einstein. Just like he probably says “I’ve lost my puppy… please help me find him” to little girls or boys he sees on the street.

Am I being silly for still wanting to be with him?

Silly? SILLY?!? No, no, no… there are much more appropriate words.

Dear Abby replies:

After six years with Wade, you are still single. You could be single forever.

That’s the first concern?!?

When you became a mother, life stopped being all about you.

Now that is very, very true.

What if you should become pregnant again? Is it fair to your parents to dump your daughter on them like an unwanted pet?

Still nothing about the danger Wade poses. At least she says...

What effect could it eventually have on the child?

To be raised by the grandparents? Hard to say – they are the same people who raised this woman who apparently has no maternal instinct whatsoever.

Do you fully understand that what you have in mind will isolate you from relatives and friends who have minor children?

What about how it could put those children in danger?

While I can't dictate what you should do with your life, I can say you're heading in the wrong direction. Please step back and rethink this.

She wrote in asking for your advice. Of course you can make suggestions. Geez. Have people really become so worried about being “judgmental” that they won’t even suggest that someone should choose their own child over a “registered sex offender” who “can’t be around children” because it is the right thing to do?

Later on in the same edition, THE SILENT PARTNER writes in:

I have been married for 12 years to the most self-centered man in the world.

Unless he kidnapped you and forced you to marry him at gunpoint, my guess is that he is still the same guy who turned you on enough to marry him 12 years ago. Back then, you told yourself he was “confident” and “interesting”. You probably didn't give nice guys the time of day.

He's an astute businessman and a good provider,

You see, she is unaware that women can provide for themselves, or that other kinds of men can be good providers, so she felt the need to marry a self-centered man.

The moment I start talking about things I think are important, he turns on his TV or shushes me.

Maybe you keep complaining about the same things – things he can’t do anything about and things you choose not to do anything about, or simply complaining about him.

How can I get him to stop ignoring me?

Get in shape, strip naked, and jump his bones. He will not ignore you unless he is gay, ill, or getting it on the side.

Notice Dear Abby’s response:

If after 12 years your husband still won't listen to you, have your lawyer talk to him.

She has no problem telling a woman who is hurt by her husband of 12 years’ self-centerdness to threaten divorce through an attorney, but can’t bring herself to tell a mother to protect her daughter from a man who may be a child molester. Through the looking glass, indeed.

When Messed Up People Become Inappropriately Attached

Sadly, I write from experience.

FLUMMOXED AND SAD wrote in to Dear Margo:

Last February I met an amazing woman online.

Meeting online is NOT the same as meeting in person. It can facilitate meeting in person, but it isn't the same as doing it. I say this as someone who has made pen pals online. Yes, there is a kind of interaction there, but do not confuse it with an in-person relationship.

We have been talking ever since, and we have met. On those occasions, we
have been intimate.

So you have a pen pal that you fornicate with.

In many ways I feel I've found someone with whom I feel safe.

Interesting. What does that say about you that it takes someone who is at a distance and interacts with you mostly through controlled communications for you to feel safe?

However, I have always had many friends of the opposite sex.

Which translates to: One of us is not attracted to the other (that is, if they are not fornicating).

Recently, my best one, who lives locally, has been dealing with some personal issues. As a friend, I was spending time with her, babysitting for her and listening to her without the judgment she was receiving from her family.

Sounds like you are the “nice guy” who she gets to do things for her while she goes out with other guys, who aren’t so nice. Like the guy who knocked her up.

The problem is that I have been open about my friendships and what I do on a
day-to-day basis. Now the woman I love is feeling betrayed, which has put a dent
in my long-distance relationship with the woman I feel a complete love for.

Ugh. She has no right to tell you what to do – only the right to tell you under what conditions she’ll continue to carry on with you. She is essentially a pen pal, and for you to get so hung up on her shows that something is wrong with you.

Now I am trying to make her feel comfortable with a friendship that has never been inappropriate or intimate. She says she just needs time. In the meantime, I have become a recluse from my other friendships because I don't want to withhold information from the woman I love.

Yuck. See what I mean? And it is possible for a friendship to be inappropriate even if there is nothing sexual. It's called... using, or abusing.

She has been betrayed so often by other men, and I don't want to be that guy.

So you want to be the guy who lives by the insecurities of a pen pal? What’s wrong with you?!? Either she keeps picking bad men or she is experiencing the same difficulties everyone faces in personal relationships, and is blowing it out of proportion. Either way, you’re subjecting yourself to drama you don’t need with someone who has relationship problems, just like you do.

Dear Margo replies:

I don't think there's anything you can do; maybe a therapist could help.

YES. He needs some therapy.

You are having to tread lightly because of her past hurts. What she needs to understand is that you are not these men; you are you.

Right. Both men and women tend to lump the other sex together as one monster, and that’s not right. People should be treated as individuals. That does not mean you ignore the realities of human behavior, though.

I would strongly recommend that you not let any woman dictate your outside friendships; it is neurotic, a form of control and certainly a sign of insecurity.

Good advice. Perhaps what we need are fewer relationship experts who try to make relationships work when they are based on the signifcant flaws of the participants. We need more experts willing to say "You should not get involved with someone else until you deal with this problem in yourself."