Addressing 'Myths' About the Unmarried

Bella DePaulo, who is a social psychologist, visiting professor at UC Berkeley and the author of Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, And Ignored and Still Live Happily Ever After, wrote this article I found through Yahoo. It promises "8 myths about being single". Let’s take a look. (And if you’re new to this blog, I’m married with kids, and I’d like to believe being a married father makes my life better.)

Have you heard that single people are miserable and lonely and die alone in their empty apartments where they are eaten by their cats?

Yes. I have also heard that some unmarried people who live alone love it. I was quite happy most of the time I lived alone.

Myth #1: Singles are less happy than married people

I've heard this one a lot. Either way, it is a percentage game and it is impossible to know for sure if person X would be happier if his or her life was completely different. All we can know is that Group A reports being happier than Group B. But that's an average, and there will be miserable people in Group A and very happy people in Group B. Let's say Group A are married people. Maybe kind of people who marry are also the kind of people who are more likely to report being happy? Maybe they are more likely to be happy? Either way, maybe happy people are more likely to attract a spouse. Even if they report being happier married than they reported when they were unmarried, it could be a function of aging/career advancement, or something else – they are older when they're married than they were when they were unmarried.

Anyway, let's see how she debunks this "myth".

First, most single people are not miserable — not even close. On the average, single people are always on the happy end of the scale; that’s true in every study I know of.

Citation, please?

Second, getting married hardly changes someone's happiness at all.

It does if you 1) wanted to be married, and 2) found that it is at least as good as you'd hoped. You'll be happier in that case. You'll be less happy if you find out that you married the wrong person or marriage isn't as good as you thought it would be.

Okay, so we're supposed to take her word for it that studies show this to be myth. Or buy the book.

Myth #2: Single people favor solitude

Some do.

Sometimes people say that single people are “alone,” that they “don’t have anyone.” But that’s just a myth. Research shows that single people often have many people in their lives who are important to them. Often, they have a whole network of friends and relatives, and they stay connected with them for decades.

Uhm, yes, and so do married people. The dfference is that married people also have one person especially to whom they have a legal, social, residential, and sexual connection.

After all, they have the time to forge many diverse relationships, which married sorts often don't.

Many married people do have less time or friend and relatives. But married people often gain more of these connections through the marriage, and hang out with them as a couple.

Myth #3: Elderly women live in isolation

See #2. I'm thinking some of these myths are strawmen.

Myth #4: Single people don't live as long as married folks.

This is another one like #1. A lot of the same stuff applies.

That magazine article ignored the longest-running study of longevity on record. That study started in 1921, with more than 1,000 11-year-olds. Scientists have kept track of these people for as long as they lived. The people who lived the longest were those who stayed single and those who married and stayed married.

People who divorced, or who divorced and remarried, had shorter lives. It was consistency, not marriage, that mattered, and the results were the same for men and women.

This is news to me - at least, the stuff about those who never married.

Myth #5: Single people are self-centered.

Some are. Some married people are, too.

National surveys show that single people are more likely to visit, support, contact, and advise their siblings and parents than married or even previously married people.

This doesn't mean they aren't self-centered. Some people reach out to others so as to have someone else to hear them talk about themselves. Unmarried people love to give advice about marriage and parenting. Married people may be more likely to bite their tongues, knowing from experience that they don't have all of the answers.

Myth #6: The children of single parents are destined to live haplessly.

Strawman. Not having a mother or not having a father raises the risk of certain negative indicators. And we know they are destined to live... without a mother or without a father.

Teens living with a father and stepmother, for example, had higher rates of substance abuse than teens raised by single mothers.

Stepparents are a whole 'nother can of worms.

Myth #7: Single people are not as healthy as people who get married.

This is another one like #1 and #4.

Typically, people who have always been single are very similar in their health to people who are currently married.

Are we comparing the same age groups? Because most people do marry, and the way that works out is that unmarried people are more likely to be in their early 20s – and thus healthier than people in their 40s.

There is, though, one exception where single people are actually healthier than attached types: married people are more overweight!

Again, they tend to be older, right? But yes, some people "let themselves go" once thet get someone to sign on the dotted line.

As for divorce, some research actually shows that people become healthier after they divorce than they were when they were married.

Sure – haven't you noticed that divorced women know they need to shape up? And as for guys, if he doesn't feel like he needs to drink himself silly every night to deal with a bad wife, then he's going to be healthier once she's not there, right? Same goes for women - if they are not longer depressed by living with a bad husband, they're likely going to eat better.

Myth #8: Single people waste money on frivolous things for themselves.

Some do. Especially those who expect someone else will come along and pay off their debts and provide financial security. Some married people also waste money.

So you think that singletons splurge and marrieds conserve? If so, then I have just one question for you: Do you know how much weddings cost?

Very good point. However, people tend to spend the most one their weddings before they are married. So, technically, they're unmarried when they are doing most of the spending. We can split hairs about "unmarried" vs. "single", though.

Coupled-up sorts are no more generous than single people when it comes to giving financial help to family members.

What does that have to do with anything? What about saving for retirement?

In fact, one study showed that men were much more financially generous to their friends when they were single than they were after they married. When married men divorced, they reverted to their more giving selves. If they remarried, then they went back to being less generous to their friends.

Well, yeah! It’s called having a wife to support and who can veto spending decisions. Plus, the spending could be an attractant – one that is not needed when married.

There you have it. I was really hoping for more information about #1,4, and 7. Then again, these articles can't be long enough and so can't get too detailed. Notice also that Bella didn't address sex.

Generally, I don't think someone should decide to marry or stay unmarried based on stats that say they'll be more likely to be healthier and happier one way or other other. Each person should think carefully about what kind of life they want and are suited to live, then behave accordingly. One should marry if he or she 1) wants to be married, having a good idea of what marriage means; 2) is prepared to be a spouse; and 3) has found the right person to marry.

Your thoughts?

EHarmony Is Not a Christian Dating Website

It is a matchmaking and relationship enhancement business.

Yes, it was founded by and based on the research of a Christian, but so what? It is no more of a "Christian" business than Harvard or Yale are Christian universities. Even less so, as Harvard and Yale were originally founded to train Christian ministers, while EHarmony was founded with the goal of reducing the divorce rate.

The website was originally marketed through Christian outlets.

But over the years, the website has expanded its outreach.

I frequently see blog or forum postings claiming that EHarmony rejects atheists or any non-Christian.

As far as I can tell, the service does reject some atheists or other non-Christians, but it also rejects some Christians. The service does not reject people based on their religious or philosophical beliefs per se, and plenty of non-Christians have been accepted by the service and have used it. So no, the service doesn’t reject atheists because they are atheists. However, if someone indicates they are an atheist, they want another atheist, they feel very strongly about this, and they are very serious about finding someone very close in location to them... perhaps nobody who meets those parameters and is compatible with the applicants' personality and other conditions is in the EHarmony system. In that case, the service tells you they can't find matches for you at that time. I think it also does this if other limitations you have placed result in too few matches. Instead of taking your money, they reject your application. What's wrong with that?

Now, EHarmony.com doesn't do same-sex matching. But apparently a lot of people looking for this and thus complaining about EHarmony are unaware of their sister service, Compatible Partners, created to settle a lawsuit... or the many other online matchmaking services for gays and lesbians.

If you're going to criticize something, do so on the basis of reality.

Note that EHarmony also rejects applicants based on age, being legally married, having "too many" past marriages, depression, instability, or some other factors your personality test results indicate would keep you from being marriage material right now.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is Not a Christian

I've seen several instances online of people referring to Dr. Laura, in a less-than-approving-way, as an evangelical or fundamentalist Christian.

These people are apparently incapable of doing even the bare minimum of research online, or are deliberate liars, or simply don't care enough to get their facts straight.

Dr. Laura is not a Christian. She doesn't claim to be. She doesn't proclaim Jesus Christ her Lord and Savior. (I'd love to hear her do that, though!)

Her background, as far as I can tell from reading her stuff and listening to her, is this:

She grew up in what she describes as an "interfaithless" home, meaning one parent was Jewish by birth and the other some form of nominal Christian, and she was not raised in any standard religious tradition or consistent religious practice.

Prompted by some questions from her son about being Jewish (as she considered herself and her son), she started a spiritual search that eventually led her to Orthodox Judaism.

She practiced that for a while, and then stopped practicing Orthodox Judaism, but still considers herself Jewish as far as religious affiliation.

Over and over again on her show, she places family cohesion in a single religion over a spouse's newfound desire to pursue a different religious path. An "evangelical Christian" would likely encourage everyone become an evangelical Christian. Dr. Laura doesn't do that.

As long as I'm on the subject of Dr. Laura, I wanted to call attention to some of the stuff I recently came across on her website.

First up is this pretty good listener letter written by an older woman to a younger (college student) woman about sex outside of marriage, and why it should be avoided. What the letter never discusses is that the girl being addressed probably got some enjoyment out of having sex with her boyfriends. This approach assumes that the younger woman's feelings of guilt and regret will outweigh her hormones and hedonistic inclinations, and they may actually do so at the time she is reading the letter, after a recent break-up. But it could be a very different story when she is alone with the next boyfriend. Ignoring this reality, and why one behavior is ultimately better in the long run than an immediately enjoyable behavior, is what prevents these kinds of essays from being more effective... especially coming from an older woman with a lower libido and access to regular marital sex.

Too often, the situation is presented as some guy "taking advantage" of a woman or that she has "nothing to show" for having had sex. Like he was supposed to give her two mules and a herd of goats. What does he have to show for having had sex with her?

In this blog entry, Dr. Laura discusses a group of mistresses and a wife who conspired to break the law to get revenge on a guy they all seemed to find irresistible.

Of the people who commented on a recent news story in which several so-called "mistresses" and a wife blindfolded and bound a man and then Krazy Glued his penis to his stomach, 68% of them LAUGHED. They actually LAUGHED at this story.

They wouldn't have laughed if it were the other way around, i.e., if several men glued a woman's genitals closed.

Bingo. No, then it would have been hate crime and evidence of a "culturally ingrained violence against women".

Finally, there's this blog entry, where she takes to task a female professor who says that men who do more domestic chores are better husbands.

When women call me complaining about such things (usually women who are at home), I ask them if they drive their husband’s route in traffic every day, or if they deal with difficult bosses or co-workers, or if they aren’t able to take breaks whenever they choose or take care of all the car and house repair issues. They say "no," but expect him to do housework in addition to all his other responsibilities.

In those situations where both husband and wife have full-time jobs, and there's a "war" about who’s going to take care of household chores, I say they should budget and pay for part-time housecleaning help, or one of them ought to reassess their life and decide if having no one at home to make a nest is worth the money they both make.

There are biological and psychological imperatives in females for nesting/child care, and in males for conquering/protecting. When these are turned inside out, there is usually (but not always) a reaction in the female to feel less respectful and
sexual toward her mate.

The whole blog entry is worth a read. She goes on to say...

A better study would be to find out what household situations make MEN happiest, because those are the ones which, overall, are going to attract the men who make the best husbands. Happy husbands spend more time with their families, and would swim through shark-infested waters for them.

Thank God for Dr. Laura.