Silence

Well, the silence on my previous post is deafening. Nobody wanted to take a crack at it? Or have I scared everyone away?

Sex, Cohabitation, Children, Marriage

Here’s a question prompted by discussion of my last post or two:

If you believe there is nothing wrong with sex outside of the marriage, living together, or having children out of wedlock, why should a man get married? What does he get from being married that he can’t get otherwise?

I’m not just posting those questions rhetorically. I want answers from anyone who happens to read this. Please tell me what you think. If you want to tell me but don’t want your comment public, say so in your comment and I won’t publish it (comments need my approval – not agreement - to be published because I don’t want anyone being libeled on my blog).

If you think sex outside of marriage is okay and that living together is okay, but you think it is wrong to have children outside of marriage, then let’s assume the man doesn’t want children at all and has undergone a successful vasectomy. Same questions, then.

If anyone who thinks it is okay to have sex outside of marriage and live together unmarried is tempted to cite religion in their reason for a man to marry, please tell me which religion compels a man to marry but is okay with sex outside of marriage, living together, and, if applicable, having children out of wedlock.

I look forward to any answers. Thanks!

You Picked Him, Sister

There’s a classmate from years ago that I am in touch with very casually through a social networking site. She’s a divorced mother of two who not long ago announced happily that she was going to start shacking up with the guy with whom she was fornicating. From time to time, she blogs to complain about her ex. Excerpts to recent entries are below, with any identifying information such as names changed, but most of the punctuation/typing/spelling mistakes kept.

Ok so I am a little pissed at my ex, what else is new you say? Well here is the scoop,,My boys are both in sports, One is a Freshman and plays football, we are very proud of him for that,,( we meaning [shack up honey] and myself, and my friends) and and my youngest is in soccer. They both love it and I support them and encourage them to the best of my abitlity, Well this weekend is Steve’s first soccer game and its on Saturday, all his games on are Saturday. So I had emailed my ex if he was able to make sure he gets the boys this weekend, and what has been going on like Steve is back in afterschool care and Robert has practice til almost 6 every night except game night, Anyhow I also mentioned that Steve has a game and could he make sure he gets to his game,,I have also emailed him the boys schedule for both boys,,,,for there games,,so HE CAN GO AND BE A DAD AND SHOW UP AND SHOW HIS SUPPORT!!!! well here is the reply i got from him –

"""" I will not take them or pick them up from any games or practices, so if one or both of them have games or practices this weekend. Then I will wait till they have a free weekend. For both of them to come here and stay the whole weekend"""""""

The guy does sound like he is clueless about how the sports work, and he should support his children in their pursuit of sports by taking them to their games and attending. At least he expresses an interest in having them for the whole weekend.

let me remind you the reader that soccer goes until almost November and his games are like every Saturday, I have given him alot of notice in adnvance, I
sent him a list of games and the dates that I got from the coach,,Man I just dont get him, I emailed back and waiting for a reply,,,""Why dont you want to go to steve's game? or why dont you want to go to Robert’s football game??"""

Maybe he hates sports more than he cares about supporting the needs of his children? Or maybe he’d rather spend time with them one-on-one? She says she doesn’t get him, yet she picked him and made two boys with him. Not just one… two. She spread her legs for him. She said vows opposite of him.

So I am kinda waiting,,not really, but I am curious on his excuse. Its funny Robert mentioned a bit ago, that "dad is really trying hard to do better,"' Well my response to him has been "Robert if dad was trying or getting better,,he would go to your games or your brothers,,and what does he do,,he proves me right.

Isn’t that lovely? The boy is trying to defend his father and his mother cuts him down.

He shows that he has no interest in his childrens life. WOW take them for an extra weekend here and there to do what, ,,oh play computer games all weekend,,and eat out all the time,,,and still,,not get a new fridge(remind you this is going on year two with no fridge)

Wow, he sounds bad. Too bad we don’t live in a country where women are free to choose the man they marry and make babies with so she could have avoided this mess. I’m sure he was a stellar husband and fatherly-type, a fine upstanding and responsible person until he magically became this irresponsible jerk right after the second boy was born.

Why do i bother sending my kids to there DEAD BEAT DAD????? I understand that my divorce papers say I have to,,and my kids want to see him,,

That’s right. You chose to marry him and make babies with him, and the courts get to set certain conditions – like visitation and child support.

but i really wonder why they want to see him now,since he just doesnt have any effort in showing them he is a dad and a dad who wants to share there life with him,

That isn’t true. He said he wants them for the whole weekend. But why does a woman wonder why boys wants to spend time with a man that she let inside her own body? That she married?

You know,,its not like you have to like soccer or football, or even understand it,,,but just to be there for your kids and show them that your interested in what they do and like would make a world of difference in there heart and mind,

I agree with that. But again, you picked him.

GOD knows that i was abused when I was younger, things like this affected me later in life,,so thats whats going to happen to my boys,,,

What a surprise. Too bad that as an adult, you didn’t take steps to make a better life for yourself and your children.

but me and [shack up honey] will be there for them as much as they neeed us,,

Don’t count on it! He hasn’t married you or adopted them.

I JUST WANT THEM TO KNOW THAT I LOVE THEM MORE THAN ANYTHING, AND I MAKE CHANGES FOR THE BEST INTEREST OF THEM,

Then move into the home of some responsible married relatives so your kids can have good supervision and stop shacking up.

She posted a second entry to update us.

Ok so in the last blog I was waiting for a reply on his email on why he wont take them to there games or pratices,,well here is his response

""" I have zero interest in ever going to games or practices. I guess I'm just an asshole that way. That is a family activity and, we are not a family. So unless you come get Steven and drop him back off he will be missing his game. See you Friday around 6. """

??? so he is right we are not family anymore, but arent the boys his kids too,,god we dont even have to be around each other,,just be there for the kids,,You dont even have to like sports for gods sakes,,,I dont even understand alot of football or
soccer,,but Im there cause my boys are important to me, and I am a proud mom,
even if they dont want to continue what they are doing for next year, at least
they tried, and I was there for them every step of the way. The only reason I
sent them to dads, is because they want to see him, and my papers say I have
too, its really sad though, cause I really really deep down dont want them to
go. I told my oldest what hisreply was,,,and he was pissed and said that was
stupid,,and yup your right, but I cant do anything about your dad, he is who he is.

So she is showing her son things he shouldn’t see and badmouthing his father. And she can’t do anything about him now – that is why you CHOOSE WISELY and don’t marry and make babies with the wrong guy to begin with! While becoming a mother may have changed her outlook and feelings, a guy may not have the same reaction. These gals marry these guys and make babies with them and expect them to change into completely different guys. WE COME AS-IS! Don’t like us the way we are – DON’T MARRY US.

I also believe that things will change in due time.

See what I mean? THEY AREN’T GOING TO CHANGE!

Now, I don’t know his side of it. I don’t know the circumstances of their marriage, the pregnancies, or the divorce. Yes, I think he should take his kids to their games and be there for him. That’s what I would do. But that is me. This gal married and made babies with an “asshole” and expects him to be different?

I finally couldn’t take it anymore and wrote her an e-mail, trying to be careful so as to not cause her to cut off contact. Hopefully, I can provide some ongoing influence. Here is what I wrote to her:

Regarding your latest blog entries... I feel for your kids.

I hope you apply what you've learned. What I mean is that, when you know of another woman, especially a younger one, who is either heading for marriage with a guy who is a boy but not a MAN, or is having sex (risking making babies) with such a boy... I hope you don't simply say, "Hey, congratulations! I'm glad you're happy." I hope you instead warn her that she should find a MAN, not a boy, otherwise she could end up with a deadbeat ex as the "sperm donor" to her kids.

People usually don't want to hear something like that. They don't want anyone raining on their fantasy. But if you can prevent someone else - another woman and kids - from going through what you've gone through, you'll be doing them a huge favor.

It really sucks that there are guys out there who don't act like MEN and FATHERS to the kids they helped create. But it also sucks that women continue to volunteer to marry and/or get pregnant by such boys.

I'm doing my part to either encourage guys to be MEN or at least not ruin the life of a woman or a kid. If they want to stay boys, they can get snipped and avoid marriage.

Let me be clear that I do not believe that remaining unmarried means someone is immature. You can be a fulfilled and mature adult and never have gotten married. But I do think that people who are immature should not marry nor make babies.