More Relationship Joy From Dear Abby Column

Both letters in a recent Dear Abby column caught my eye.

BEWILDERED IN CANADA wrote:

I married for the second time two years ago to a younger woman.

BIG MISTAKE. Canada is NOT a place a man should want to get legally married, let alone for a second time.

Seven months after our wedding, she announced she didn't like my dominating personality, which is why she was stepping out of the marriage. She then went back to her deadbeat ex-boyfriend for six months.

That should have been the end of it.

I went for counseling and have made a major change in how I treat, talk and make decisions with her.

The counseling was terrible since it didn't get you to RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

I love my wife with all my heart.

Translation: I think she's hot and the sex was good when we had it.

I want to protect our marriage and move forward from the affair.

Why??? With a little game, you can get hotter women than her.

Our second anniversary is approaching, but she has been interacting with other men.

Ugh. Cuck doormat wallet.

She takes her daughter with another man on play-dates along with his daughter, and goes to the park with another man for three hours. (He was a single dad having a BBQ.)

NEVER DATE SINGLE MOTHERS.

The third one is a guy she goes with to the park, splash pads, public swimming pool and a water-slide park. They text each other often. One guy is a married stay-at-home dad. He has cheated on his wife before.

Am I wrong to think this is unacceptable for a married woman?

What a stupid question.

Any advice would be absolutely appreciated.

Get a lawyer and get out NOW. I don't know the specifics of Canadian family law, only that generally, it's a misandrist country, but each day you stay legally married is probably making your situation worse.

Dear Abby responded:

It's time for joint counseling, with a new therapist for you and your wife.

NO! No!!! Every day he's deeper into the mess! What's the point of joint counseling? If a woman wrote this letter about her husband and him hanging out with women. Dear Abby would tell the writer to get a lawyer right away.

Men, you are not required to live like this!!!

Let's look at the second letter, which is from SHUT OUT IN VIRGINIA:

I've been with my boyfriend for four years.

I wish the writer would have given more context. How old are they? Does either of them what to get married at any point in their life? Have either of them been married before?

Over those years, he has acquired an addiction to porn.

Right there, they shouldn't lock in this relationship. No kids, no marriage, no co-signing for anything. Why? Because she used the phrase "porn addiction." That isn't a medical term. It is a phrase used by grifters and the people they fool.

He refuses to admit he is addicted and insists that it's perfectly normal.

So what? Either it is something you can live with or not.

I'm usually not one to judge, but it has reached the point that it's affecting our sex life.

Likely, it is something else that is affecting your sex life, and his porn viewing may be a symptom of that thing.

I can't remember the last time we had a moment to ourselves that didn't start with him spending all day watching porn.

All day? If it's really all day, and he's not someone who is in the business, then this is a sign that he has compulsive tendencies or other self-regulation problems.

I tried getting involved with it myself hoping we'd find a common interest we could bond over, but he doesn't seem to want me involved at all.

If he's not in the business, then not wanting you involved means either he's looking at something illegal or he has some problems with you (that he might have with women or relationships in general).

I feel like I'm being cheated on, as silly as that sounds.

If your boyfriend is spending all day every day doing something he won't ever let you join him for, then you are feeling deprived, cheated of time and attention he should be spending on you. That's regardless of whether he's watching golf or breasts.

I'm struggling with my body image because of this. I feel like I'm never going to be adequate enough for him to focus on our sex life. How do I compete with porn?

If he's ignoring our body, it makes sense that you'd feel that way, but if it is just a matter of him looking at pixels, then your feelings are irrational. Should he have a problem with you watching depictions of men who are stronger and wealthier than him?

Dear Abby:

If he's in love with you and willing to work on the problem, there are resources available to him. (Twelve-step programs come immediately to mind.) If he isn't, however, accept that this has nothing to do with your level of attractiveness, and move on.

She should move on now. And if he has problems with being compulsive, a twelve-step program has to address that, or it won't work as he will replace porn with something else he'll do compulsively.