Daycare is Almost Always Voluntary and is Generally a Bad Choice

One of the most repeated sentiments in parenting conversations these days is parents claiming that they "had no choice" but to put their kid(s) into daycare or that it is a GOOD thing for the kids.

In almost every case, this is a big, stinking pile of dung.


Putting a child in daycare comes at the end of a series of CHOICES that the parent(s) made. By the way, day care is anything before the kid is 5, whatever it is called... nursery school, pre-K, transitional K, pre-school... it's all daycare.

If you aren't "able" to raise your own child, don't have one!

Having a Family Doesn't Guarantee Happiness

Matt Walsh, who I agree with some on some really big things, is back [this entry is being bumped up] to beating the drum to marry and pop out kids. He starts off his column at The Daily Wire citing comments by former First Lady Michelle Obama. [This entry bumped up from January 2021.]

The former First Lady was interviewed by "Blackish" star Tracee Ellis Ross and the women together lamented the fact that girls "still dream of weddings" and "Prince Charming." The two agreed that some women (Tracee Ellis Ross included) can sacrifice family for the sake of a career and be "happy as a clam." In fact, it would seem that Mrs. Obama — who is married with two kids — thinks this path is preferable, given that she considers it a problem when girls aspire to marriage. Ross provided compelling evidence to prove that her decision to forgo family life was the right call: "Look where I'm sitting," she declared. Yes, the summit of all happiness is to sit on a stage with a former First Lady. Truly, this is the eternal bliss for which we were designed.

Maybe Ross is happy? I'm not aware of Walsh having psychic abilities.

Not All SAHMs Are Made Equal

I do generally believe that married parenting should involve a division of labor in the sense that someone should raising the kids and someone should be considered the breadwinner.

When Dr. Laura paints a portrait of a "stay-at-home" mother, she actually doesn't want them to stay home. It's more like they are "stay-with-kids" mothers. She describes them taking their kids to parks, taking the kids along as they walk, run, or bike, and constantly playing with the kids.

And she tells women who have husbands who aren't convinced those women should quit their jobs to stay with the kids to tell the husbands that they'll be able to prepare more homecooked meals and there will be a lot more sex.

But how many of these women really live up to these things? I applaud those who do, but what about the rest?

[This entry was bumped up from late 2015. We no longer have the other two adults living with us - they were here for a couple of years or so. Most of what they did has reverted to me.]

My wife has been a SAHM since before our first child, who was planned, was conceived.

Today, the kids are in school. My wife is still a SAHM.

When Dr. Laura Tells Moms to Announce Their Switch to SAHM

Children being raised with attention, affection, a sense of security, and morality is one of Dr. Laura's top goals, which is why she condemns the use of day care and insists parents should raise their own children right up until Kindergarten, which is entered into at age 5 or 6 (boys should especially be started later, according to her). She's also big on homeschooling, but any form of daycare (including "preschool") from ages 0-4 is a no-no.

While she doesn't rule out "stay at home fathers", she says mothers are preferable from ages 0-3, and she notes that the "psychobiology" is that women prefer a man be a provider and they tend to lose respect for their husband if they earn more than him or he's home with the kids earning no income at all. Men also tend to like to provide.

So, she gets calls from employed women who are pregnant or have just given birth (again) or even have infants or toddlers who want to switch to being SAHMs, but have husbands who are opposed to that change or are at least reluctant to agree.

This is when Dr. Laura, who usually says big decisions, even getting a dog, have to have mutual agreement and if either spouse is a "no" then the change doesn't happen, leaves that principle aside. It is overruled by the importance of a mother's love. She tells the women to quit their jobs, come up with a one-income budget, to announce to their husband they will be staying home, and tell him that it will mean home-cooked meals, lots of great sex, and a more pleasant home.

That's all good, but only if the caller follows through. And only if the husband accepts the announcement. Will it be better if the family splits up than if they stay together with both parents working outside the home? Dr. Laura says men who aren't eager to be sole support for a wife and kids aren't real men, but would her opinion stop one man who is thinking along these lines from engaging in what he sees as self defense?

Don't Make Promises You're Not Going to Keep

I'm convinced the most ideal family situation is a breadwinning father married to a homemmaker mother, who is a stay-with-kids mom, at least until the kids are all in school (Kindergarten or later), at which point she can work part-time. Having the father stay home instead is the next best thing.

This is what one of my favorite audio talk show hosts, Dr. Laura also preaches and teaches, much to the irritation of plenty of people, who talk as though daycare isn't almost always voluntary.

Dr. Laura claims that "in the day" men would rather die than see their wives working full time outside of the home and she talks as though men are ignoring their blaring natural inner voice when they pressure their wives to work. But how many of these men were "raised" by working mothers? How many of those mothers were divorced or never-married? A LOT! Furthermore, a lot of these men know that if their wife doesn't work, the courts are going so screw them (the husbands) over even more when there's a divorce, because the courts will say that the woman has greatly reduced earning potential and has been accustomed to being taken care of financially.

"But you shouldn't expect a divorce," say so many people.

Your Child, Your Choice, Your Responsibility

The mommy wars never end. Michael Medved, as I type, has Erica Komisar on his show, who has a book out about the importance of mothers being with their children from birth to age three. Of course there are women calling up complaining about the fact that children benefit from actually being with their mother. They'd rather not hear the truth, apparently. And others are complaining that their employer doesn't facilitate this.

There are thee issues here.

1) It is YOUR responsibility to plan things so that if you have children, they will have their mother* with them. Your choice, remember? With choice comes responsibility. Daycare is almost always voluntary and a bad choice. If you're not cut out to be a mother, don't become one. If you don't have a marriage that allows for you to mother your own children, don't have them.

2) It is not a legitimate role of government to compel employers to provide daycare or maternity leave or any other of these accommodations parents want.

3) Employers should be free to run their businesses as they want. If they want to give mothers paid time off to raise their children, fine, but expecting all employers to offer it is an attitude of entitlement.

Are You Surprised That Homemakers Are Valuable?

[This was originally posted in January 2012, but I'm bumping it up.]

Porcshe Moran has done that report that makes the news at least once a year, "How Much Is A Homemaker Worth?"

I say a good homemaker is priceless, especially if they make the home pleasant for the income earner and provide ever-present love and guidance to the next generation of citizens. But lets look at what is being said this time around.

We examined some of the tasks that a homemaker might do to find out how much his or her services would net as individual professional careers. We only take into consideration tasks which have monetary values and use the lowest value for each calculation.

Private Chef
Meal preparation is one of the major tasks of most homemakers. From breakfast to dinner, there is plenty of meal planning and cooking to be done. The American Personal Chef Association reports that its personal chefs make $200 to $500 a day. Grocery shopping is another chore that needs to be factored in. A homemaker must drive to the supermarket, purchase the food and deliver it to the home. Grocery delivery services charge a delivery fee of $5 to $10.

Total cost for services: $1,005 per five day work week x 52 weeks = $52,260 per year.

The article does similar calculations for:

House Cleaner
Child Care
Driver
Laundry Service
Lawn Maintenance

I'm surprised they left out prostitution, but maybe they take the approach that women actually like lovemaking, too. Then then the conclusion is:

Total for a year of all services is: $52,260 + $6,137 + $31,200 + $4,168 + $936 + $1,560 = $96,261 per year.

Uh huh.

The daily work of a homemaker can sometimes be taken for granted by his or her family members.

Unfortunately, that's true, and it is also true that some feminists denigrate women for being homemakers, as do political types who want more income to tax, employers who want more labor supply to lower labor costs, and businesses who want people to have more "disposable" income to spend on crap they don't really need.

I've already addressed reports like this in this previous entry.

I do want you to know that in general, if you don't like your chef, cleaner, daycare provider, driver, laundry service, or gardener you can fire them either immediately or with very short notice, and paying your latest bill will settle the matter. You generally do not sign lifetime contracts with them. However, if you marry someone who promises to be a homemaker and it turns out that person does next to nothing or does a horrible job, in states like the one I live in the default, standard contract is that "firing" them means giving them half of everything you earned while they were in the contract with you, and continuing to pay them one day for every two days you had the contract, or for life if they were under contract with you for ten years. There is NO penalty for failing to perform any of the tasks adequately.

Self-Inflicted Wounds Can Be the Most Painful

On our very first date, the woman who later became my wife asked me for my thoughts on how children should be raised. I told her that strangers would not be raising my children.

If that sounds like strange first date banter, that's because our fist date happened a few months after I was introduced to her and after we'd since communicated some important things about ourselves to each other, including that we were looking for an eventual spouse.

After I told her that strangers would be raising my children, I told her I was flexible about how that would be accomplished. I was open to being the one to stay with the kids, for example. She quickly said she'd be the one to stay with the kids. As it turns out, her three main goals in life were to work in the profession she did, to marry, and to be a mother, and by be a mother she wanted to mother, not hire other people to babysit/raise her kids five days a week.

The other day there was a call to Dr. Laura from a woman who wanted to put her four year-old into a weekday program at their church that took preschoolers several hours a day three days per week. Dr. Laura quickly identified it as daycare, insisted that children do not like such programs, and pointed out that nobody cares about a child as much as that child's mother.

I agree, at least with the last phrase. However, I do think some children may actually prefer these programs over being with mom if being with mom means being stuck at home, without friends at that.

The problem is, when Dr. Laura is making these comments, she's thinking of only one child being involved (she only had one) and she's envisioning a mother taking their one child on bicycle rides and walks, to the park, etc. That also what I thought I was getting - a wife who'd be that kind of mother to our children. After all, she had a full-time job working with children and knew about child development and the needs of children, and she wanted to be a stay-with-kids mother.


Our daughter is in grade school. My wife is homeschooling her. We also have a son. My wife wants to stick our son into pretty much the same program the caller described, only for two days a week instead of three. She says it is just too difficult to teach our daughter when our son delights in interfering, especially when it is to torment his sister (at which he excels). And she says it is just for this school year, since he'll have his own schoolwork to do next year.

I can hear Dr. Laura's first solution in my head: do the schoolwork at a park where the boy can play nearby.

But my wife doesn't feel she can do that safely - not with two children.

Then how about letting grandma take the boy twice a week?

My wife's mother is a drunk and forbidden by my wife (with my full support) to look after our children. My own mother lives an hour away and has other responsibilities.

Why not move closer to my mother?

This is the house my wife wanted.

Why not move closer to her now?

Our excellent credit has been tarnished due to decisions by my wife. We're not moving anywhere.

Why not stick the daughter in school?

Public schools suck in our neighborhood and our state has turned public schools into madhouses in general.

Why not stick the daughter in private school?

I don't have the money. In part because of all the money I pay to fund the unusable public schools.

Why not become a stay-with-kids dad and have the wife go to work?

She is done working. She's not going to go back full-time, and we can't disrupt my work situation because we need the insurance due to my wife's medical situations.


Why did you pick her to be the mother of your children if she is incapable?

She seemed capable. She had no children yet, so how could I be sure? There's much she and her family did not reveal to me until after we were married and had children.

Why did you have two children instead of one?

My wife insisted that she didn't want our daughter being an only child, and I had no idea that having two children instead of one would be such a problem for her.

Tell her to bite the bullet and be a mother to her son.

Well, yeah, except she has the trump card.

I expressed my opinion, even though it resulted in exactly what I figured it would - she's feeling hurt and upset, and nothing's going to change for the better. Everyone in my family has always urged us to stick the kids into "pre-school". It is clear they think she's a crappy mother, or at least unable to be a good mother. Yet my sisters also urge me to discuss my concerns with my wife - whether with this or anything else. But it is pointless. The only thing it changes is that it diminishes her happiness/satisfaction, and I take no pleasure in that. Why make both of us less happy?

As unromantic or selfish or otherwise wrong that it seems or may be, I married because I wanted (one of us) to raise my own children in the best circumstances and because I like sex and I wanted an enthusiastic lovemaking partner who would enjoy how I loved her and would enjoy loving me, and I wanted to live by what I'm convinced is the the truth: sex is for marriage. How many Christian men are in the same boat? Don't give me "You're supposed to marry someone because you can't live without them." Please. Most marriages in the Bible and in history were not about that. And clearly, considering how well I was doing and how long I had lived on my own, I could live just fine without any woman as my wife.

Both of those reasons I married are dead. The kids will grow up, and if they turn out badly, they'll be society's problem, not mine. I don't count on the situation with the sex getting any better. Ever. It's not important to her, and what I want isn't as important to her as her own preferences, and again, talking about it will not change that, it will only make her feel bad.

Here's where things get a little more adult. You are warned.

Yes, I'm Still Alive

There is so much I could have blogged since my last posting, whether from stuff pulled from online sources or depressing you with accounts of my personal life. I'm not giving up on this blog. I still have much to say.

Things are rather bad at the moment in my marriage. While I admit, and have admitted to my wife my bad actions, she is focusing on mine and ignoring hers. I have held my tongue about so much and tried to be a good husband and father during this dark time, but I don't think she has held back at all. She has been cruel, disrespectful, and ungrateful and has stopped bothering to be a wife or mother. Clearly she's depressed, but she's not handling it. I have no idea how many pills she popping for how many different symptoms at this point, but I have reason to believe she just decided to resume or up her dosage of antidepressant. Don't know if that will help. Based on the medications she has herself on alone, I don't expect her to live a long life. Add in some of her behavior (letting herself lose more and more weight, for example... she's starting to look like a concentration camp prisoner on the History Channel) which will also kill her young, and it is a double whammy.

Geez, there is so much I would go back and tell myself during the time I making plans to marry her...

...about how many medications and treatments she was on.
...about how we would not be able to rely on her family.
...about how she would never, ever get over the fact that I was not a virgin.
...about how her being a virgin has less to do with virtue than it does with libido (see "medications").
...about how her idea of being a stay-at-home-mom was going to be too literal too much of the time.
...about how I will never be allowed to screw up without her harping on it and lecturing me for hours when I should be getting sleep, insisting I get therapy, and equating my behavior with her mother's alcoholism.
...about how sacrificing my savings, professional dreams, personal freedom, social time, hobbies, etc. would be met not with thanks and ongoing appreciation but with contempt and a demand I sacrifice more.

In other words, I would have told myself not to get married. When a marriage-and-family minded, churchgoing, somewhat-conservative Christian can't, in good conscience, endorse marriage, then we're a doomed culture.

Oh, I know... it has to be with the right person. The problem is, she's the "rightest" person by far. I doubt there was anyone else out there more right for me as a wife, and while I do have my faults, I'm not difficult to live with or high-maintenance. She has so many good qualities. If it doesn't work between us, it can't work for all that many people.

She's now threatening to take the kids and leave me. You'd laugh if you found out what tipped off this latest round. I've apologized, I've suggested ways I can prevent it from happening again, and after hours of her harping, I have agreed that I will go to counseling for me (not couples, as we did for something like three sessions before she realized we didn't have the problem she thought we did.) Her reactions have less to do with me than they to do with her brain chemistry, apparently, and whatever she's carrying over from her childhood. I have no idea how ME going a counselor is going to help. It is appearing to me like she married me under false pretenses, but I'm not going to leave her, at least not as long as the kids are minors. We have a long way to go. So what... I'm going to go to a counselor and tell him that my wife is cruel to me, married me under false pretenses, and that I'm not going to leave her... then what? I refuse to be medicated for reacting normally to this. Actually, I'm not going to tell him the false pretenses part if there is any chance that will ever be passed along to her, even if only as him getting her in there with me and insisting I tell her that. I just won't do it. I know she can't take back the things she's said to me... I will never forget them. Being a man, however, I can still do my "marital duty" should this latest crap smooth over... there's no way she'll be able to do the same if I speak all of my mind, and I really don't want to further degrade the conditions my kids are living in.

Speaking of that, I suppose I could be using this time to clean up the mess that his place has become in the last several days. Or, maybe I could get married and my wife could take care of the home while I earn income? Oh, right, supposedly I already did that.


Hmmm. I had only planned to come here and write a short note, but I've unloaded a little, haven't I?

More Reaction to Dr. Laura's Book Publicity

Wow. I am so blessed to have the wife that I do, who is my girlfriend and who is my daughter's mom and the Queen of our home. I am reminded of that simply by looking around for more reaction to Dr. Laura's media appearances promoting her latest book. My previous post on this is here. But now there's more.

http://becki325.wordpress.com/2009/04/15/this-can-not-be-real/
Prompted by a posting on WSJ's "The Juggle" "becki" checks in.

She finds some of Dr. Laura's comments "disturbing", even after waiting a week to post about she was so "riled up":

"When your husband comes home, wrap your body around him at the door and look at his eyes. What people need to learn is that it's not about the drudgery of housework — it's about being at home for all of those incredible moments that make your life more valuable than the person who replaced you at work."

This is not even worth a comment, but COME ON. If you are home all day with the kids, I am sure your disposition will not be ammenable to the above statement.

I don’t get it. When I come home, my wife cheers, wraps her body around me at the door, and looks into my eyes, tells me how much she missed me, and kisses me. So, is the housework at our place magically easier, taking care of our child magically easier, am I some sort of supernaturally hunky dude, or is my wife Supermom? Which is it?

"For everything in life, you have to make a priority list. This must be done. If we truly believe in something and cherish it, we find a way to make it happen. Women go from making seven-figure salaries to staying at home, and things just start to be less important."

Right, so I guess paying the mortgage becomes "less important".

Yes, that's what Dr. Laura says. Don't pay your mortgage.

No, actually, she advises people not buy things (or take out loans) that they can't afford. Or do downsize. You can't afford it if it keeps you from raising your own kids, because it costs you a lot more than money.

And hey, what about those of us who WANT to work because we LIKE OUR JOBS? What would Dr. Laura say to that?

From what I know from listening to/reading her, it would be that you should go ahead and work, if you enjoy that more than raising kids. But don't have kids if you're not going to raise them or have a husband who can raise them. You can't raise them if you aren't with them.

Yes, you have choices to make. Choices mean picking some things and not others. I can want both "A" and "non-A", but I can't have both at the same time in the same way.

Over at second blog from someone else who is also "riled up", we get this:

"I recommend that during the first three years, the mom should be at home because all of the research shows that the person whose body you come out of and whose breast you suck at, at that stage, really needs to be the mom - unless she's incompetent, irrelevant and immaterial. After that, flip a coin."

First of all, let me say that I am so so so thankful that I have wonderful family and friends who are generous, kind, loving, good examples and caretakers for my daughter.

That shouldn't be their responsibility. They should take care of any kids they have. Once their kids are grown, they have done their part in that area.

I do not worry about her care because I know she is in a loving environment.

Better than a day orphanage, to be sure.

I really hope you are not calling me incompetent, irrelevant or immaterial since I'm not home with my child right now.

Read again. She's saying that your daughter is better off with you unless you are incompetent. She didn't say you are incompetent.

You think that all mommies should stay home

Not true. She thinks mothers should raise their own kids (or have a husband who does it) and make her husband and child(ren) her priority. If a mom can work and still 1) make sure that her child is with her or her husband; 2) see to it that the home is taken care of – either by her husband or hired help if not herself; and 3) be a good wife to her husband, then that works. Use some imagination.

and from what I get of the story (could be wrong), I'm missing out?

Yes, you are. I know I'm missing out when I'm away from my child.

Guess I should have gone on to get my PhD (and gone into debt for more schooling, but I digress) to fully let myself know what I was missing.

If this is a reference to what Dr. Laura did – she raised her own son.

You think I don't know I'm missing out? You think I take this lightly? You think I don't cry at work, in the car, and at home sometimes?

She doesn't say that. You might have mistakenly believed you haven't had a choice in the matter – that is what she's been telling women. And her book is about praising mothers who raise their own children. That's it.

In apparent agony, the blogger goes on to credit God with having her away from her kid - twice. It's very sad. She also goes on to call on Dr. Laura to do something about the mythical "pay inequality" and housing prices.

"Tina" chimed in on her blog.

She praised "SAHMs" but then goes on to write...

Seriously, I know that I could not do it. I can BARELY survive the weekend with my children. Poor Dr. Laura would probably shake her head at the selfishness of me. But honestly, it's not that I can't stay home with my kids. I don't want to. I truly don't believe that I would offer my kids the best version of me if I was at home all the time.

Sad. What if your husband were to say the same thing about spending every night with you? Nevertheless, if it is true, then how about having your husband home raising the kids?

Honestly, I know a SAHM who seriously barely smiles. She never has ANYTHING good to say about being at home. I never knew her to be a working woman necessarily but she pretty much seems miserable. She complains about all the things that are supposedly so fulfilling about being a SAHM.

I could say the same thing about some husbands I know being with their wives. Does that mean that marriage can't be happy?

Is she so happy because she is a SAHM?

Sounds like a miserable person who shouldn't have had kids to begin with. Still, she can choose to be happy.

There is incredible value offered to children who have Moms who stay at home to be their Moms full time. However, there is incredible value for these kids whose Moms choose to work.

Hmmm, I wonder if husbands could try that on their wives? "Honey, there's value in me consistently doing something other than being around you, so you can find someone else to talk with or to take out the trash." If you married a jerk, maybe you'd be happy with that. But if your husband is a decent person, you want him there. Your kids want their parents.

Over at "Mama Candy! For single mama overachieving chicks!", touting itself as "A place to go when you want to talk about everything FABULOUS from smashing open the corporate glass ceiling,to single parenting and life after ex.", we get more fodder.

So first of all, Dr. Laura can SUCK IT!

Great way to start analysis. The language gets worse. Maybe her kids are better off with strangers.

She's been pretty much anti-single mother as long as I've know of her existence, and she has now released a new book strongly urging all mothers to stay at home.

Wrong. It simply praises "SAHMs" and gives tips on being or becoming one. She doesn't say ALL mothers should stay at home. I've never heard her say she is against single mothers. She's against making babies out of wedlock with the wrong man, or driving the right man away after making babies with him, or deliberately conceiving a child who will not have a father raising him. She encourages pregnant women who will not have a husband in the picture to give the baby up for adoption.

Um, hate to break it to ya, I DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND!

And who chose to make a baby with the wrong man?

The blogger then goes on to reprint a news item from two years ago saying Dr. Laura's adult son was being investigated by his employer. Not sure what that has to do with Dr. Laura praising SAHMs. But the blogger tries to make a connection...

Gee, guess staying at home didn't help your kid after all, now did it?

Where does she say that people raised by SAHMs will never ever make mistakes? She doesn't. But study after study does show that children raised without a father are more likely to cause trouble and get into trouble. And, last I checked, her son is still with that employer. Regardless, what Dr. Laura is teaching in this area is true, regardless of any mistakes she or any other member of her family has or hasn't made.

Finally, she goes on to mock Dr. Laura's doctorate. So predictable.

I noticed something in surveying the anti-Dr. Laura bloggers (I have not linked to all of them). Some of them stated that they praise their own mothers for having been SAHMs and think SAHMs are great. That's exactly what Dr. Laura’s book is about. Yet the bloggers go on to either defend their choices not to give their own children that gift, or claim they don't have a choice.

In general, much of the criticism I found out there about Dr. Laura or her advice to women is made as though they are unaware that Dr. Laura also advises men to be dedicated husbands and fathers, to live up to their obligations, to put their family first, etc. For example, she does tell male callers that there are some hobbies or some jobs or some dreams of theirs that they have to either abandon to set aside for now, because they have a wife and kids.

Clearly, her advice is first and foremost concerned with the well being of children. That's a good thing, even when it means adults have to set aside some of the things they want.

My Letter to Dr. Laura

Okay, here is pretty much what I wrote to Dr. Laura, and what she read on the air today (Wednesday 12/10) to start her first hour and go on a long rant for the rest of the opening segment. I say "pretty much" because there might be slight variations in the actual letter, since I had only saved part of the text in my computer and added the intro and conclusion that she read on the air when I pasted the meat of the letter to her e-mail window, and might have done some insignificant edits.


I got an unsolicited e-mail from a childcare provider in my city. Here's my reply:

I don't know you. You may be the best in your business. But you can't replace my child's mother.

One of the main reasons I got married was so that a stranger would not raise my child. My wife takes care of our child, thank you very much. Sure, it means we don't have a tiny bit more of income (after the higher taxes and other expenses we'd have to pay), but I figure my little girl is best with her own mother. My wife is an R.N. Now she has just two patients.

Some people would call me lucky because I can afford to have my wife take care of our child and home. But it wasn't luck. It was a lot of hard work and patience. There were a lot of things I didn't buy along the way, a lot of drinks I didn't gulp, I lot of vacations I didn't take. I didn't make babies out of wedlock. I didn't shack up. I didn't marry the wrong person just to take a relationship "to the next level". I stayed unmarried and childless until I found the right woman - a woman who also lived within her means. Then I married her. Before getting her pregnant.

In the mean time, I didn't get drunk, I didn't do drugs, I didn't gamble away my money. I didn't buy stuff I couldn't afford. I drove cars that weren't sexy. I worked at a job starting in high school, I completed college, I ended up working a full time job, a part-time job, and a freelance gig for five years before dropping the part-time job.

My wife finished college in four years despite significant challenges and then workedher butt off and was very careful with her money. She didn't make babies. She waitedto find the right man to be her husband.

Sure, we owe it all to God. God could take it all away tomorrow.

But it isn't luck.

And we don't use day orphanages. Thank God.

Thanks Dr. Laura. Thanks for helping me so see how blessed I am to have a loving wife who is my girlfriend and who is her kid's mom.

I am my kid's dad.

OMG!!! Dr. Laura Read My Letter On-Air

Just a few moments ago, Dr. Laura read my e-mailed letter on-air to open her show. If she places it on her website, I will link to it. Otherwise, I will past the text here later.

That was quite a rush.

I have had something I wrote read on a top-rated national radio program before, but this time, I was actually listening. Better yet, my wife was listening (the letter was largely about her) and she called me to express her excitement.

"Salary" For Stay-At-Home Mothers?

You may have seen this recent news: “Stay-at-home mother's work worth $138,095 a year”.

If the typical stay-at-home mother in the United States were paid for her work as a housekeeper, cook and psychologist among other roles, she would earn $138,095 a year, according to research released on Wednesday.
[snip]
The 10 jobs listed as comprising a mother's work were housekeeper, cook, day care center teacher, laundry machine operator, van driver, facilities manager, janitor, computer operator, chief executive officer and psychologist, it said.

The typical mother puts in a 92-hour work week, it said, working 40 hours at base pay and 52 hours overtime.

As much as I encourage stay-at-home motherhood, this study is a crock.

Why don't we see similar studies for men? Let's say a married father has an office job that he commutes to by driving. In addition to his paid career, he should be compensated for the following jobs:

Driver - He drives himself to work.
Delivery Service - He picks things up and brings them home.
Chauffer - He drives the wife and/or the kids places.
Babysitter - Whenever he watches the kids.
Coach - Whenever he plays sports with the kids, or advises them on playing.
Doorman - He opens doors for the wife and kids.
Valet - Opening the car doors for the wife and kids, parking/getting the car.
Gas Station Attendant - He fuels up the car.
Bellhop - Carrying luggage.
Counselor - Listening to the problems and feelings of his wife and kids.
Personal Bodyguard - Protecting the wife and kids.
Private Investigator - Checking things out at the request of the wife, checking up on the kids.
Pet Handler/Vet - Walking the dog, etc.
Exterminator - Killing and/or removing vermin, spiders, and various insects.
Furniture Mover - You wanted to move the sofa again?
Sanitation Engineer - Takes out the trash.
Dishwashing Machine Operator - If he ever washes the dishes.
Childcare Provider - If he ever feeds, clothes, or changes the diapers of the kids.
Plumber - If he ever fixes or replaces any of the plumbing fixtures in the house.
Laborer - Doing things that do not fall under the other categories.
Gardener - Mowing the lawn, trimming plants, weeding.
Personal Assistant - For the rest of the stuff that doesn't fall under laborer.
Professional Shopper - When he has to go buy stuff for the wife and/or kids.
Escort - You think he really wants to go see that play with you?
Chef/Cook - If he ever cooks.
Bartender - If he ever pours you, your family, or your friends a drink.
Priest - If he ever takes confession from you, is asked to grant absolution or forgiveness, or pray.
Mechanic - Any work he does on the car.
Handyman - Those little repair jobs around the place.
Comedy Writer - When he has to cheer you up and make you laugh because you're depressed yet again.
Accountant - Straightening out the finances.
Financial Advisor - Making investments, and telling you "That's too expensive."
Personal Trainer - "Looks like you need to start working out again, honey."
Wardrobe Consultant - "Yes, that does make you look fat. Why do you ask?"
Computer Operator
Masseuse
Actor - "Yes, I'd love for your mother to stay with us for two weeks."
Lender - "You want how much?"
Dietician - "Honey, don't you think you've eaten enough of those?"
Dancer - Do you really think he wants to dance?

I mean, come on. Stay-at-home mothers have all of these services and things paid for by their husband:

Housing
Utilities/Garbage Disposal/Cable/Phone
Nails/Hair/Beauty Salons, Spa visits
Wardrobe
Gifts
Eating Out, Starbucks
Vehicle
Vehicle Maintenance
Gasoline
Insurance
Furniture
Health Care/Benefits
Appliances
Groceries

And since women have longer life expectancies and tend to marry an older man, she's likely going to be living off of his earnings after he is dead.

Another problem with the study is that although stay-at-home mothers do have a very full and busy lives, they are not doing all of those activities for all of those hours.

Still, in the real world of compensation, you are only worth what you demand. Most stay-at-home-mothers have gladly agreed to provide these services in exchange for being able to stay home and live the lifestyles they do.

Finally, in a community property state, she’s getting at least that much if she is married to a guy who is earning $276,190 per year. So, is this study implying that a man who earns more than that is getting overcharged by his stay-at-home wife? How well with this study do in court if a man who earned, say, $500,000 per year tried to convince a judge that the wife he is divorcing should only be compensated for no more than $138,095 per year?

We should not minimize the importance of stay-at-home-mothers, but nor should we ignore the contributions of sole-provider husbands.

Don't forget - Mothers Day is almost here!