What Happened Next Door

If you'd told me when I was twelve years old that multiple women who'd appeared in Playboy magazine were going to live in the Playboy mansion, appear in the magazine multiple more times, and be in a "reality" cable television show with Hugh Hefner, I would have known that those women, who were several decades younger than him, were going to expected to be his girlfriends and have sex with him even though he was old and not in the best shape and not committing to any of them, and they would be expected to participate in parties whether that seemed like fun or more work, and that what they were going to get out of this deal was fame, money, access, networking, and visits to Disneyland and wherever else. He's an older man, not in the best shape, and yet these women were going to have to show him a good time.

I would have known that at twelve.

My siblings would have known.

What thinking person over the age of sixteen wouldn't have known this?

But once Hefner was dead, and thus no longer useful, he was cast as a villain by some of the people who used to praise him and cling to him.

Nope. Not buying it.

If you weren't saying this was bad behavior at the time, but rather were profiting off of it, you don't get to bash him now and get any sympathy or points from me at all. Those women knew exactly what they were signing up for. The same goes for anyone going to an adult party at the mansion. Of course staff, such as cooks, cleaners, etc. shouldn't be targeted for harassment, but it was the Playboy mansion; home to a man who built the magazine and brand from the ground up. Nudity and shenanigans should have been expected.

Husbands Are Well Aware Adult Media is Fantasy

Antiporn crusaders will often say that porn gives unrealistic expectations, or that men don't consider that there's a difference between what's depicted in porn and real life. But THAT'S EXACTLY WHY THEY WATCH - because there is a difference between porn and real life.

What media has realistic portrayals of men, women, or relationships?

Professional sports coverage? How many people look like that and can perform like that?

Action movies in which men and women both withstand severe beatings but are still able to function like not much has happened to them?

Marvel and DC movies? Romantic comedies? Sitcoms? Advertisements, especially for jewelry and engagement rings? "Reality" shows? Princess fantasies? Church/ministry brochures, websites, and social media depicting gorgeous couples and their perfect children, all perpetually smiling and laughing?

Husbands are VERY aware porn is fantasy. They know all too well that wives are rarely that enthusiastic about sex.

Here's where someone retorts with, "Well maybe you're a lousy lover."

That might work on guys who "waited" or "saved sex" for marriage. Those of us who didn't know better.

"You should do more around the house."

Some of these husbands, myself included, do more around the house than their wife. But many of us did NOTHING around the home of our girlfriends, at least when we first started getting together with them, and yet they were enthusiastic lovers.

"That's just your wife. You should have picked better."

Picked better how exactly, if you don't want people having sex before they sign a terrible state contract? And nope, it isn't just my wife or his wife. We have seen the same story from many other husbands and ex husbands. Consider the old joke about why a bride is smiling so much.

Finally, any time an antiporn crusader says "Porn depicts___" or "Porn has____"  or "Porn is___" ...and finishes those statements with anything other than "...material someone finds arousing," they are misleading people. Adult media is very diverse. "Porn teaches" or "Porn says" or anything of the like is a statement as silly as saying "Books teach" or "Books say."

It's OK to say "I don't like nudity or sex in media." Criticizing adult media with criticisms that you can also apply to other media, but don't, reveals that you are desperate to persuade people to adopt your opinion through double standards.

The Prom Is For Girls and Gays

Here we are again. I'm hearing about The Prom again.

Every year now, I note this ritual, which has become another day, along with "Sweet Sixteen" (or other birthdays for certain cultures, at 13, 15, etc.) and wedding days (the the related events) that are all about feeding the narcissism and sense of entitlement of attention-whores and attention-whores-in-training.

Refer back to my "Beware the Prom", and this look at a Dear Abby column, and this look at a different Dear Abby column and now this entry on increasingly showy proposals ("promposals") for dates.

Stop it, guys! Unless you're gay and want to rub it into the noses of some uptight school staff or parents by taking someone of the same sex, you don't really want to go to a dance, do you? You don't really want to take girl to the prom, do you?

It a nutshell, here are my problems with the prom as it is these days:

1) Boys wasting money.

2) Another event where females are princess-ized, which is a problem as long as males are prevented, culturally/socially and often legally, from events that cater to them and are focused on them in a similar way. Go ahead and tell me... what event gives boys the equivalent of the prom, where the activities are all about things he wants to do, with the boys dressing the way they want to dress, the girls dressing the way the boys want them to dress, the girls paying for it and escorting the boys, and where the boys will go hang out with their friends during the event?

If you already have a date for the prom, break up with her. If you were planning to ask a girl, especially with some elaborate production, don't!

Some of you guys think that taking a girl to the prom means she will have sex with you. If she hasn't had sex with you yet, paying her way and being her display piece for the prom almost certainly will NOT make it happen. If she really is the kind of girl who will finally have sex with you because you took her to the prom, it's probably not worth it. You're far better off going straight to one of the "after parties". But even then, you're just asking for trouble, even more so if she's underage (even if YOU are underage). 

You're better off doing something else that night, even staying home and sleeping. If you're a very bad boy, you might want to track down a neighborhood "single" mom whose daughter is off to the prom that night and it has her (the mom) feeling nostalgic and over the hill. Just be careful or you'll end up a very young father.

Hold Those Hormones

I'm a follower of Christ, and I generally fall in line with the positions held by "conservative Christians" or "the Religious Right" (with a libertarian lean when it comes to government involvement), with a few notable exceptions, such as discouraging rather than encouraging men to legally marry, and not thinking that watching pixels of nude women and people appearing to have sex turns people into serial killers. I'm very familiar with the positions and reasoning used in these circles.

That brings me to something I find a bit frustrating, but I have to paint a detailed picture to explain it.

Here is a composite list of rules, based on what you can find in media featuring prominent leaders of this sort:

Distressed by Normal Masculine Traits

There was a call yesterday during the first hour of Dr. Laura that was painful to hear. The callers were a married couple, Lisa and Greg, with four kids, from ages 8 down to 2, and married for something like 12 years (the audio wasn't too clear).

It sounded like they have a business together. Lisa started by saying that a year ago, she found Greg looking at porn at work. What that meant was not defined – centerfold pictures? Pictures of sex? Videos of naked women? Videos of sex? Professional? Amateur? We weren't told, but from the rest of the call I'm thinking it was something like simple female nudity, the kind you can find in Playboy or on cable. I'm not justifying any of that, just pointing out that not everything labeled "porn" is all the same.

Lisa said she kind of excused it because of the work-related stress they were under, and she wanted to make it work out for the kids, implying that she was ready to leave her husband over this. She said Greg has lots of excuses for for checking out other women in what is "not exactly porn", which sounds like swimsuit model pictures or something like that, or heck, maybe Dancing with the Stars.

Greg added some background, saying they'd been together for ten years before they got married, and that he was viewing whatever they're calling porn on and off during that time, but that Lisa didn't know it. He ended up telling her, and tried to stop, but viewed it on and off once they got married and then he got caught. She threatened to leave the marriage, but she gave him a second chance and he vowed never to do it again.

Greg hasn't viewed in the last year, and was proud to say that, but other things have popped up, such as stuff he'll see on TV or online – stuff that isn't porn but she still doesn't want him to see. He said he struggles with it, and that is has nothing to do with his wife's beauty because she's beautiful and attractive.

They made the call because they had been at a public place where women were wearing bikinis. He was worried ahead of time about this, and wanted to hide from her the fact that he would notice other women. However, Lisa confronted him and he admitted that he was noticing some of the other women. So Lisa was upset.

Dr. Laura said she was with Lisa up until the last part, as Dr. Laura expects men to look at women in bikinis - that is precisely why the women wear bikinis. Greg made the mistake of saying that he uses the images sometimes to reach orgasm. Lisa claimed she doesn't fantasize, to which Dr. Laura said she's very unusual. Lisa and Greg have never had anyone else – sounds to me like they probably got together as young teens, otherwise they would have married sooner. That's my guess, based on the nature of the call and their tone.

Lisa couldn't let it go. Dr. Laura asked what the alternatives are. Lisa said she doesn't feel like Greg is working on it (even after a year of success). Lisa wouldn't stop rehashing, so Dr. Laura told them to go into counseling and ended the call – mercifully.

Then Dr. Laura recapped the call (after a break) and gave her thoughts. She pointed out that Greg did tell Lisa about the issue before they married, he promised to stop, but didn't. He's been successful for the past year. A guy can't watch TV or go to the mall without seeing "soft porn", and even pre-teen girls dress immodestly. He made a big effort, he looked at women in bikinis like any other man, and then Lisa wouldn't stop whining. He's not perfect, but open... he's a decent guy who is struggling. As Dr. Laura saw it, the options where to divorce, to keep things the way they are with all of the moaning and whining and bitching, or to appreciate Greg's progress and stop whining.

She said that women find it upsetting if a guy finds some other woman pretty, and that the competitiveness is destructive.

I agree.

Ladies, you are by far the most important woman in the world to your husband, but you're not the only person that can possibly catch your husband's eye, or make him horny. This is the brutal reality of male nature and male sexual nature:

1. Our sexual engine is usually on, even if just idling. This is why we can be watching an intense, professional sports game (decidedly unsexy) and a sexy beer commercial "works", or why we can have a lousy day and still want to make love.

2. Men are visual creatures who admire the female form. Don't act like you don't know this. There are things you do or don't do precisely because you know this to be true.

3. Female skin gets our attention and turns us on even more than we would be otherwise. It doesn't matter if it is just ink on a page, or pixels on a screen, or a beachgoer walking by and we don't know a darn thing about her. Again, don't act like you don't know this.

4. Most men are attracted to variety in female skin. You can be the most beautiful woman in the world, and your man is still going to notice other women.

5. Even if a man never sees another woman anywhere under any circumstances and never masturbates, he's still going to get erections and will ejaculate. It will happen in his sleep if no other time.

6. It is possible for us to look at a woman (or image of a woman) and not want to do anything else with that woman. This can be true of a man and actual sex, so of course it is that much easier for this to happen with a mere look. Looking at other women or images of women does not mean we don't desire you, want you, find you attractive and sexy, plan to be with you forever, or love you. Yes, the loving thing is to show respect to you by not leering at other women, especially in your presence, but glances happen. It is active leering or fantasizing where the line is crossed.

All of this is natural and normal. You can argue that our sexual nature has been marred by The Fall, but it doesn't change that currently, this is natural and normal for men. Male sexual nature doesn't change just because he got married. His wife should be the one with whom his sexual energy is exchanged, and she should be the recipient of his gazes and loving affections, but he's not going to suddenly stop noticing beauty in others.

It is foolish for a man living in our culture to promise he'll never look, because it is a promise he can't keep. He'll make the promise if it is the only way to get you to stop complaining or to stop you from walking out the door, but it is best not to make the demand in the first place. If you are really bothered and upset, then ask him how you can help him in his effort to reduce the problem of lusting in his heart. You probably can by keeping his testicles empty and giving him something to look at, both in public (tastefully) and in the bedroom. But that is a reduction, not elimination. Expecting perfection is setting yourself up for disappointment. (This is not to say say you should ever accept your husband neglecting lovemaking with you to instead view porn. If a man neglects his accommodating wife for porn, then something is wrong.)

There is no need to be jealous or insecure. Crying because your husband notices that there's another woman with a fine pair is like crying because bees are attracted to flowers. If you married a leering jerk who deliberately cites the bodies of other women as some sort of standard for you, or as more worthy of his attention than you, then there's not much you can do; it is mostly a matter of his issues and you should plan and behave accordingly. If you married a decent man, even if he glimpses an image or a woman you think is way hotter than you, the fact is, it is you he loves, it is you he wants, and it is you he's with. My wife's body is perfect any time we are touching, especially if she is naked. That the way most good husbands feel.

What Are You Thinking?

Thirdage.com listed what it claims are the top 10 sex fantasies for men and women.

Another benefit is that you can enjoy fantasy sex with someone other than your partner without repercussions, because it occurs solely in your mind.

It does not eliminate all repercussions.

Ladies first, of course.

1. Fantasizing About Your Current Partner

As with men, this is the number one sex fantasy for most women: things you've done, or would like to do, to your partner. It seems that the available flesh-and-blood is often more of a turn-on than the unattainable.

This makes sense and is generally positive. The conflict comes in when one partner's boundaries are more restrictive than another.

2. Sex with a Man Other Than Your Partner

For women, this is most often a past lover. Some women feel adulterous or guilty reliving a particularly hot session from the past: don't. It's normal.

It may be normal and common, but it doesn’t mean it is okay. It's not the end of the world, though. This is where someone who saved sex for their partner has a moral advantage.

If it's someone new you're fantasizing about, it's the old want-what-you-can't-have-syndrome.

That's called coveting.

Being involved with a partner doesn't mean all other desirable men go away. So those adulterous feelings have to be dealt with in one way or another. The safest outlet of all is our imagination--and it's remarkably fertile.

It's a nice rationalization.

3. Sex with Another Woman

We're more likely to have same-sex fantasies than he is, probably because it's seen as more acceptable.

Female sexuality is more flexible in that regard.

4. Something You've Never Tried Before

These fantasies can include being tied up, threesomes, group sex, and watching others, among other things.

As I understand it, the Biblical thing is sex with your spouse only, and where/when you have reason to believe others will not see you. Notice I didn't write "in private". So this would eliminate watching others or being on display for others, group sex, or threesomes as a reality. Thinking about it... eh... probably not Biblical either.

Tying up? Yeah. That's something I know my wife will go for. She once stated that everything was okay "except for involving another person, an animal, or the back door." But I know other things are out, too:

1) She doesn't want to involve food of any sort (think chocolate syrup or whipped cream), as she doesn't want to associate food with sex. My thinking is that it is a plus if you're eating a banana split and you have a flashback to a lovemaking session, but apparently she doesn't. This is one reason why I say I simply like sex more than my wife.

2) Swallowing. Heck, as it is, I give her warning so she can pull away entirely. She has said she is willing to work on this, but makes a big deal about it, like we'll have to practice in the shower… but we rarely have the chance to take showers together these days. Not sure what the big deal is, since she did it at least three times leading up to the wedding. (And I don't believe it was right for us to get that carried away before we married, but we did.) I don't know what ingredient in wedding cake suddenly takes this ability away from a woman.

3) Anything that has touched her vagina during a session will not touch her lips.

I find that last one very restricting. I love going down, but doing so means no more kissing on the lips. And I save intercourse only for the very end.

While many women are outrageously experimental and imaginative in their fantasies, they often don't admit a desire for anything "kinky" to a partner for fear of being judged.

That's too bad.

5. Receiving Oral Sex

Like I said.

6. Fantasies Involving Romantic Sex

This is the one most women readily admit to, probably because it's the most acceptable.

Of course.

7. Sexual Ravaging

"Sexual ravaging" is a very common female fantasy. Passionate and forceful but rarely violent and painful, the "ravagings" in our head differ dramatically because we're always in control.

On the opposite end of the spectrum are fantasies where we force him to have sex with us, often in typically male-dominated situations like a courtroom or a business meeting.

Interesting.

8. Being Found Irresistible by a Man

Of course.

9. Working as a Prostitute or Stripper

This one's also popular with women who may be inhibited sexually in real life. In the fantasy, they indulge their true sexual selves under the guise of being paid for it. For men to pay to have sex with you is also reassurance that you're attractive: you have something men want so badly, that they'll hand over cash for it.

Men hand over cash for all sorts of things.

10. Sex with a Stranger

In reality, this sort of sex usually works out rather badly. In our fantasies, it's tremendously rewarding. This is sex for the sake of sex and the reward is pure, unadulterated pleasure. You can be as wicked as you like because you'll never see him again.

Yes, why would you want to be a generous lover with someone with whom you actually share a life?

According to the article, men share the same top fantasy. That’s what we have to say. Otherwise, we don’t get sex.

2. Having Sex with a Woman Other Than Your Partner

Often, she's a past lover, a friend of your partner, perhaps a celebrity. The psychology behind this one isn't too difficult: lots of people long to have sex with someone new and fantasy is a great way of indulging this longing without losing your partner in the process.

Actually, men tend to like variety when it comes to sex.

3. Giving or Receiving Oral Sex

Of course.

4. Sex with Two or More Women

See #2.

5. Voyeurism and Exhibitionism

Men are visual creatures.

6. Having Your Partner Masturbate for You

Watching your partner "play with herself" is up there on most men's wish lists, possibly because it reassures them that women are as into sex as they are. Also, the related fantasy of spying on her while she masturbates appeals to your curious side: what is she really up to when you're not around?

Yes, and what is the best way of pleasing her manually?

7. Anal Sex

Not really.

8. Bondage and S & M

Sure, it is common. Doesn’t really do it for me.

9. Sexual Ravaging

Yes.

10. Sex with Another Man

Not really.

What do you think? Do these lists line up with your fantasies? Is there something big they are missing? I'm rather tolerant when it comes to fantasies. What I mean is that if my wife were to tell me all of hers, nothing would bother me unless it involved kids or serious violence. Then again, women do tend to have different kinds of fantasies than men. It is often a mistake if a husband tells his wife all of his fantasies. They are more likely to turn her off, maybe even repulse her, than prompt some sort of try at them or role-playing. Most of mine are about things to do with my wife that are actually tame. Next would be about real women, especially women who aren't in my daily life anymore, that I never so much as dated. And there is also the past lovers/past experiences thing, but that is minimal. There's one famous woman I've thought about.