It Can Be Better

The Generous Husband says sex can be much better than it is.

As with a better marriage, a vital step is to believe it’s possible. Your sex life is unlikely to ever be better than you think it can be – set low goals, and you will achieve nothing more than that low goal. Set a higher goal, convinced that it’s possible, and it may happen. Get your bride on board believing it’s possible, and LOOK OUT! No matter how poor or great you sex life is now, it can be better.

Attitude certainly is important. The caution to this statement is that, with anything in life, one must be willing to positively deal with disappointment should a high goal not be met. And in this case. We're not talking about losing weight or breaking a personal best in an individual sport; we're talking about something that depends on someone else's cooperation.

There is one other very important thing. I think what limits our sex lives more than anything, even more than porn use or sexual abuse, is a lukewarm marriage. Our marriage in general is the foundation for our sex life. A small or weak foundation cannot support a great, large building, and a small, weak marriage cannot support an active, deeply pleasurable sex life.

It's a chicken-and-egg sort of thing, really. A better sex life can mean a better marriage, and a better marriage can mean a better sex life. If someone is having trouble improving the lovemaking, perhaps focusing on improving other aspect of the marriage will help and the improvement of the lovemaking will follow.

Unfortunately, many (the majority?) of husbands are so deeply dissatisfied with their sex lives, and frankly are so “hard up”, that they can think of little other than sex. It’s not that they don’t care about their marriage, and it’s not that they don’t want their marriage to be better – but the constant screaming of their sex drive makes it very difficult to hear, much less focus on, anything else.

That is a very important truth about the male mind that women can't automatically know, and may not believe, but it is true. As good as we men are at compartmentalizing most things, if we're sexually frustrated, it can seem that "everything" is wrong and it can be hard for us to function well mentally and emotionally. Throw in the outside sexuality and images of women we're bombarded with every day, and we get distracted. The flip side of this is that if the lovemaking is awesome, then everything else is better, too. Seriously, if you need to tell us you put a major dent in our prize automobile, tell us after you've just given us a mind-blowing lovemaking session.

I see two ways to work past this “blockage”.

Go read the entry for those two ways.

One of the ways I like to look at sex is as a hobby. Sure, marital lovemaking is a reproductive experience (in most marriages), spiritual experience, bonding experience, an expression and communication of love, play, exercise, and so many other things. But it is also a hobby, an art if you will. If we practice at it, research it, and try new things, we can get better and better at it.