Dear Abby Gets a Letter From Dear John

Here's another look at a Dear Abby letter. WANTS TO MAKE PEACE WITH THE PAST IN WISCONSIN wrote:

I am a 31-year-old man. I have been seeing a wonderful woman for about seven months, and it's starting to get serious. I need advice, though, on how much we should tell each other about our sexual histories.

This is yet another problem people avoid when they save sex for marriage.

Seven years ago, the end of a romantic relationship sent me into a deep depression. I spiraled downward for a long time, during which I engaged the services of prostitutes.

I want to now how actual prostitutes – like the ones on street corners and in brothels, as opposed to women who put out for any guy who buys them a nice meal – stay in business these days. Really... it isn't that hard for guys to get casual sex these days, if that is all they want. Sure, if a guy has really particular tastes and a fetish and thus it is difficult for him to easily find a woman who will fit that, or if he's rich or famous and he wants her to go away after the deed and not hang around, I can see why a guy would hire a prostitute. But are there really enough guys in those situations?

Finally, with the help of my family and a therapist, I was able to take medication and recover from the depression. I was later tested for STDs and was lucky not to have contracted any.

Well, those outcomes are better than the alternatives.

I am not implying that I'm not responsible for what I did at the time. I'm ashamed of the situations in which I placed myself.

That's good.

Abby, should I tell my girlfriend about this at some point as our relationship progresses, possibly toward marriage? If so, how much detail should I give her?

I think you have more of a responsibility to tell her about the depression than the details of your past fornication. As long as she knows you are not a virgin, and that you dealt with depression by seeking casual sex, that should be enough. Beyond that, you are asking for trouble.

Turns out that my advice isn't much different from Dear Abby's.

When it comes to sexual history, you can be honest with her, but you really have no way of verifying if she is honest with you in return. It is best to pay close attention to what she is doing in the here and now - what kind of person she is today, instead of being fixated on her past encounters. (However, if a woman has had "had her fun" and is jaded towards sex, she should make that clear to the guy before he signs on the dotted line... most guys don't want to be married to a woman who sighs during lovemaking and says something like, "Okay... if you want to... I've been there and done that and I'm tired of it.")

Ideally, I think before an engagement is finalized with a set date, the potential spouses should learn about each other's medical, financial, legal, and educational histories – anything where there is a record or paper trail, or anything that could be a significant factor in their life together. Things like credit ratings, psychotic episodes, and a driving record can be a big deal. As far as sexual history, who a person has a past with is only important if that person is still in the picture somehow.

The idea of going to a hooker - someone for whom sex is work - has never appealed to me. Even today, as a faithful married man, I'm not much into having my wife do something for my enjoyment if she doesn't get some level of enjoyment out of it herself (even if that enjoyment is the pleasure of pleasing her spouse).