One Reason We Leave the Nest and Build Our Own

EXPECTANT MOM IN WISCONSIN wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a 30-year-old woman with a baby due in June.

There is no mention whatsoever in the letter about a sperm donor, one-night-stand, boyfriend, ex-husband, or anything. It is as if this baby just appeared out of nowhere.

This will be my parents' first grandchild, and they are over the moon.

I have a full-time job, but I live with them because I go to school part-time.

So far, so good – I mean, if you're not going to adopt the child out to a wife-husband couple, that is.

After paying tuition and other bills, I can't afford to live on my own. Moving out is not an option right now.

That's one of the reasons why it is good to conceive your children within marriage.

The problem is my father's drinking...I mentioned to my mother tonight that if he thinks I will let him hold my child after he's been drinking, he has another think coming.

Well, at least you have some sense.

I love my dad, but I have to be a responsible parent, and that means putting my child's welfare first.

Well, yes, except for the daddy-and-marriage thing.

How do I tell him that his drinking will affect his role as a grandparent?

"Dad, I love you very much, I appreciate your generosity and hospitality, and I want you to enjoy your grandchild, but I will not let you hold the child or supervise the child when you've been drinking." He probably won't listen, but you retain control over the child anyway. The worst thing he can do in that case is throw you out. Either way, he doesn't hold that child while he is drunk.

And look at what Dear Abby said:

You tell him in plain English, preferably in the morning while he's still sober, and do not allow yourself to be dissuaded.

Exactly.

We live a short drive from my wife's parents. Her mother used to ask us repeatedly, and "ask" our child (really meant for our ears) when we were going to let our child stay overnight with her. The answer, as my wife has told her mother repeatedly, is never. My mother-in-law is a wonderful, delightful, loving person and a very capable caregiver. When she is sober. Unfortunately, we're never sure when she's going to hit the bottle, and we know my father-in-law "can't" stop her. She has missed some very important family events because she’s been passed out from the booze. (And my wife, who knew from the start I would drink wine from time to time, won't let me keep wine in our house because she was so scarred by her mother's abuse of alcohol... but that's another story for another blog entry, one I hope I get to write before my family's history of heart problems does me in.)

I guess I'm blessed with not having the substance addiction/abuse tendency, myself. I don’t think I've ever been drunk, because I simply haven't ever had much to drink at all. Now, if I was as good about what I ate...