Say Something Sooner

This recent Dear Margo installment features a longsuffering woman, who put herself into a bad situation. Yes, this is a about sex. You are warned.

F.R. wrote:

My partner and I have been together for 26 years.

Nothing else in the letter implies that the writer is homosexual, and Dear Margo responds as though this is a woman writing about a man. So I will, too.

After a messy divorce, he said he didn’t need a piece of paper to tell him whom to love.

Well, no, he didn't. Was there any ceremony? Any public vow before God, family, and everyone? While avoiding the "piece of paper" (which some people are literally marching in the streets over) might free him (and you) from certain legal obligations, what about the ceremony itself? Oh well, the important thing to this letter is how long they have been together.

A few months ago I finally got up the nerve to tell him how dissatisfying our sex life has been.

The implication, taking into account all of the letter, is that it has always been. Twenty-six years is a long time to let this problem go, especially if she has been faking it all of this time.

I asked him if he wanted to tell me anything, and he said he had not been aware that there was a problem.

That's not unusual. It is easier to tell if a man has been satisfied than it is to determine if a woman has. The guy will often squirt stuff, fall asleep, or be agreeable to all sorts of demands.

He knew I was inexperienced, because I told him.

Okay, well, that was a loooooong time ago. After all of this time, you have some experience, no?

Since our "talk," we have not had sex.

Of course not. He's been thinking everything has been fine all of this time, and now you tell him he's been doing it wrong since the first Reagan Administration.

I wanted things to get better, not worse.

Did you tell him exactly what you wanted and needed, or did you simply tell him he's been doing it wrong all of this time?

He is not abusive and supports our son in every way. My family all love him. I just see our relationship disappearing!

How soon before your son is out of the house? Then you can go your own ways. You've destroyed the guy, and it might not be possible to restore the situation.

Dear Margo thinks the guy might be a homosexual. Uh, oooookay.

Here's the thing, ladies. Your man, unless he's a jerk, wants to please you, especially in bed (or wherever else you make out). Never fake an orgasm. To him, it is the same thing as saying "I love you" when it isn't true. My deal with my wife is that she never fakes an orgasm. If she just isn't going to get there for whatever reason, she tells me so. (Every woman is different in this aspect – some can only seem to handle one orgasm, some are "satisfied" without having one every session, and others area prone to multiples of varying intensities.) She also gives me suggestions. This is very important. We are not mind readers. Encouragement and positive reinforcement work wonders.

Here are some handy words and phrases you can use right in the middle of everything:

Ooooooh
Aaaaaah
Mmmmm
"That’s good. Keep doing that."
"Right here."
"I need you to ____"
"It would be so nice if you would _____"
"Harder."
"Gently"
"Faster"
"Slower"
"It's such a turn on when you ___"
"I need you inside me right now."
"Try painting the alphabet with your tongue."

As the guy, one thing I've found handy is to ask, "Is there anything else I can do for you right now?" Sometimes I wonder if my wife has ever thought of replying, "Take out the trash." Of course, the question is a little silly in using the phrase "for you" as I enjoy it all at least as much as she does, even if I am presumably doing it for her pleasure. But that question, or some variation, works, as long as the woman is willing to be honest about what she needs and wants.

From what I've seen in the Bible and nature, God wants husbands and wives to please each other in this way - to enjoy what He has created. So don't be reserved when you are alone with your spouse.