Sounds Like a Guy to Avoid

This is the second letter from a Dear Margo column that provided fodder for me yesterday. CONFUSED IN PLATTEVILLE wrote:

I am worried about a friend at work. She was married to a man who abused her. Two kids later, she divorced him. Then she met another man. She loves him and wants to marry and have a baby. The problem is that he is very controlling.

If you read the letter, it looks like he is actually controlling. This is opposed to the kind of "controlling" that some women call men when we:

--Expect our significant other to appropriately respect us, especially when it involves woman maintaining the same level of boundaries involving the opposite sex that she demands we maintain in our dealings with the opposite sex

--Say "no" to something a woman asks of us, especially when we refuse to enter into losing situations

--Maintain control over our own earnings (unmarried, so we're not talking community property)
That is not an extensive list, of course.

The guy sounds very insecure. But she is going to keep picking guys like that unless she figures out why she is doing it in the first place. Maybe it is what she was raised with, and so what she knows and finds "comfortable".

She was expecting a diamond on her birthday, but was disappointed.

Now that is not controlling, nor abusive.

He told her they will get married when he "gets all of his ducks in a row."

Neither is that.

A couple of us have decided that he hasn't even found his ducks yet.

So, she should stop seeing him. She has volunteered to see him and keep seeing him.

He's been in other relationships where he's out the door at the mention of marriage.

Has he ever given any indication that he actually wants to get married? And why would she want to marry someone like this??? She's better off that he hasn't asked and she hasn't accepted!

Now she thinks she may be pregnant! We’re afraid that if she tells him he will go nuts.

Why would he do that? Did she lie about being monogamous or using contraception? Regardless, if she is pregnant, she has boosted her chances that she'll be the victim of violence. She needs to get away from this guy.

Should we tell her what we are thinking?

Yes. But she won't listen.

Dear Margo gets it right when she replies:

This guy is nuts already … and I have a few doubts about your friend, as well.

Exactly.

If she is pregnant and he dumps her, remind your friend that he is responsible, by law, for child support.

How about giving the kid up for adoption? She can start making that possible by filing charges against him for any assault, property destruction, threats, etc. that he does actually commit. That way, she can show in court that he's likely to be an unfit parent, should he want custody or visitation.

Wouldn't it be a kicker if the woman in question filed sexual harassment complaints against her coworkers if they tell her what they think of this guy? "Hostile work environment."

Nice guys who are single but looking see situations like this, not realizing that something is wrong with the woman, and they see that jerks get women. And some of those nice guys stop being so nice. Meanwhile, this scary guy can keep getting women to "sleep" with him. He may not have much motivation to change as long as they do and as long as he doesn't run into trouble with the law.