The Path Not Chosen

Sometimes, I think I shouldn't have had kids. Don't get me wrong – I wanted kids, and wanted to have them when we had them, and I enjoy my kids. I love them. I find them adorable, cute, sweet... they teach me a lot about myself and about God. Although I feel relief at being able to relax when they are being entertained by family members, I never feel like "Ugh... I want to get away from these creatures!" I find a lot of joy in them.

No, the reason that I sometimes think I shouldn't have had kids is because of my own personality and interests. If left to myself – without honey-do orders or requests for attention from the kids – my interests are ones that are largely solitary. I like reading, writing, and stuff like that. If, God forbid, I was limited to bedrest, it would probably take me years to get through the books I already have in my home. I like watching TV shows and movies and online content and listening to music and radio shows that aren't always bad for children to see/hear, but are too mature (or even immature) or strange for them, or just boring to them.

I don't mind people, as long as they aren't being vulgar and illegal. I do enjoy myself when hanging out in a crowd, or playing with my children in a park. But I could spend forever in my den, by myself, doing solitary activities, and be happy.

Since my wife reserves almost all errands and most chores for the times when I am home, I am busy doing those things. If I don't take the kids out, they might not get our beyond our backyard except for the times we go to see family.

And so when I’m not busy earning income, I'm usually doing something with the kids or running errands. My reading is usually squeezed in while I am keeping an eye on the kids in a situation in which I don't have to constantly stare at them.

This is not the way I pictured life would be. I thought having my wife drop her job and be a full-time mother would mean that we'd have more time for recreation when I wasn't working. On the other hand, I know how hard I find doing anything when I am alone with the kids.

My kids need their father. They need me there to talk with them, guide them, hug them, tickle them, play games with them, run errands with them, and protect them. They don't need me to lock myself in my den.

So I don't. Their needs take priority over my wants. Soon enough, I expect that they will try to stay away from me as much as possible if they are anything like I was when I was a teenager.