More Bad Advertising For Marriage

CBS, on their early show and on their website, reported that an iVillage study says that wives would rather read, watch movies, or sleep than have sex.

A new iVillage survey of wives aged 18-49 reveals that sex in married life takes a little bit of a hit. Surprised?

No. Why? Because the wives who are having sex don't have time to take surveys from iVillage. But a lot of women have also taken too much onto their plates under pressure from other women and sometimes their husbands as well. And we have turned sexuality upside down - we behave as though it should be involved in everything everywhere, with less emphasis on its importance to marriage.

Two thousand American wives between the ages of 18 and 49 were surveyed about their sex lives by iVillage. The most alarming finding was that 77 percent reported being "somewhat to extremely happy" with their sex life, but 63 percent of them would rather sleep, watch a movie or read than have sex.

This is one of the biggest contributing factors to the marriage strike by men, whether formal or informal. A lot of unmarried women sure behave as though they'd rather have sex than sleep, watch a movie, or read. What happens to those women? Does wedding cake really change body chemistry that much? Is it bait and switch?

On "The Early Show," Kerner joked to "Early Show" co-anchor Julie Chen, "First of all, I want to say I'm a dad, I have two kids. And a lot of men out there would also prefer sleep or books."

Sure, if their wife is frigid, emasculating, or has gained a hundred pounds - or if the guy has a hormonal deficiency.

He continued, "But on the serious side, I kind of look at this as sort of bad news. You may say you're happy with your sex life, but in the end, if night after night you're consistently picking a book, TV, Facebook, digital networking, any distraction that's out there over intimacy with your partner, in the long run, your relationship could become vulnerable to things like infidelity.”

This idea sends people – mostly foaming-at-the-mouth-feminists – into fits. "So a wife should have sex just so her husband doesn't cheat?" They often say something along those lines, even calling it rape unless the woman initiated the sex. Wives should have sex when their husband wants it because it is FUN and good for them and their relationship and because they made vows. Although, I can believe that based on the kinds of men women with this attitude are marrying, sex with them may indeed feel like a chore. But let's not kid ourselves – while I do not excuse cheating, yes, a husband is more likely to cheat if he isn't getting what he needs at home. What would you do if you came home, you were hungry, there was no food, and your husband refused to get some? Are you just going to sit there and be hungry? Or are you going to go out and find some food even if your husband isn't with you? What if someone is waving your favorite meal right under your nose?

Kerner replied, "I think it's normal, but also a little lazy. I think your sex life is sort of like going to the gym. You got to get back into the routine and it's a little hard at the beginning, but once you do it, it's like try it, you'll like it. You'll want to keep going to the gym."

No way. Lovemaking is much easier to get into and much more fun and convenient than going to the gym. Don't these "experts" realize that unmarried young people read stuff like this and think, "Who needs marriage?"

Over half of the women surveyed reported that they are married to "the best sex of their lives."

I can believe that, although for some of them it is the only sex of their lives. Also, there's some rationalization going on there, too. Plus, even if the sex behavior itself isn't better, having it in the context of a secure marriage makes it more enjoyable for women in general. As for me, although my wife is the best kisser I've experienced and is very attractive and although I'd never tell her this, if we're talking sheer skill in the physical aspects of sex, she's not the best I've had. (And again, I know I wasn't supposed to be having anyone before I was married.) Some of my past partners have had extensive experience. My wife was a virgin when we married, she has some "restrictions" past lovers didn't have, and we really haven't had a lot of freedom yet in our marriage to really practice making things better.

However, 62 percent of women said they fantasize about having sex with someone other than their husband.

And a bunch more are liars who didn’t want to admit it.

“One of the other really interesting things that we found is that, although 77 percent, some incredibly high percentage of women, were really happy with their sex life, almost 80 percent of women rated their sex lives as predictable in some way, whether they keep doing it the same night of the week, the same position, the same room of the house. That predictability didn't affect their happiness."

Interesting. What about their husbands?

Look, I think it can’t be denied that, in general, men want sex more than women do. The clearest evidence of this is the fact that men make up the overwhelming majority of prostitution customers. If women really wanted sex as much as men, there would be very little prostitution. It's a matter of supply and demand.

So what's the answer? Don't get married and have sex with partners who will have sex with you as often as you want it? That's exactly what some men do. But I do believe that society needs marriage, in no small part because raising the future citizens of society is best done within marriage. Aside from my conviction that sex is for marriage, I think marriage is good for society. I'm also convinced that a marriage is stronger if the spouses remain faithful to each other. So is the answer for husbands to simply regularly do with less sex than they want, or for wives to seek to meet the desires of their husbands, hopefully getting into it and enjoying it each time, even if they weren't feeling it at first?

Why not default towards the more sex option?

Speaking from my own experience - I didn't get married because I wanted to lose unilateral decision making power, had too much money and free time on my hands, and really wanted to obligate myself to other people. While I adore my wife, enjoy my wife's company, and she is my best friend, I got married primarily so that I could engage in godly lovemaking with her and so that I would be making and raising my children in the best conditions possible. Yes, I got married for other reasons, too, but a lot of those other things I could have have obtained through other means other than marriage. I didn't get married so that I would see more of Oprah. I'd rather make love with my wife than read my favorite author or watch my favorite movie.

Remember, ladies – if you need something from your hubby, whether it is more wining and dining, sticking up for you to his family, or something specific in bed, tell him in a positive, encouraging, constructive way. Show him what you need. If you married the right man, he'll be happy to do what it takes to get your motor running.

I know if the option was 1) having my wife make love to me, bringing me to orgasm as I stay passive (or, her staying passive while I make love to her and have an orgasm while she doesn't) or 2) me giving her a massage, making her feel loved and cared for, then making love to her as she passively enjoyed it and reached orgasm and I didn't reach orgasm - I'd pick option 2. I'd rather take care of her than take care of me. Of course, those aren't the only two options. but if they were, that is what I'd want.