Fixating on What You Can't Have

There has been a lot of material of interest in the advice columns lately.

HEARTBROKEN IN INDIANAPOLIS wrote in to Dear Abby:

Why do we fall in love with people who we absolutely, positively cannot have?

I've been there. When I realized my pattern, I wondered if I was avoiding marriage. Of course, I was "having" those women, in some sense. I just couldn't marry them.

A lot of women do this – fall for guys they can't have on a permanent basis. This is a large part of why jerks get chicks. The women are used to being treated poorly, or think they should be treated poorly, or think they can change the jerk (they think they have a magic vagina). Guys who don't want to get married, when they figure this out, love it. They can act like jerks and still get sex, and nobody expects them to commit and stick around. A lot of women come up with a script in their minds about how they want their life to be, and then they cast people in the roles. They'll get a guy to play the role in their script, and it doesn't matter, at least for a while, that he really doesn't fit that role. When she realizes that he doesn't, she may get very upset about it, or she may continue in denial.

Dear Abby responded:

Some people do it because they don't recognize the warning signs quickly enough to back off before becoming enmeshed. Others can't resist a challenge. And still others do it because -- believe it or not -- it's less threatening than falling in love with someone we absolutely, positively CAN have.

All true.