A Question For the Ages

Barbara, commenting on this blog, wrote...

I'd like your thoughts on how a nice middle aged woman, who is attractive, intelligent, loving, compassionate, interesting and very sensual and affectionate can meet a nice guy? I'm dead serious. I don't go to church anymore, so that's out. Hanging out at Home Depot does not work. Online dating has become sleazier than a dive bar at 2 am.

I have pretty much accepted my singleness and am not bitter towards men - I LOVE MEN. I've just given up on finding one.

Barbara,

Most of this may be redundant to you, but I don’t know you so I can't just assume you've already considered all of this.

I've tried to draw my advice from what I've noticed about how real-life middle-aged women have found a nice guy. I think of my dad's wife. She found him in book store after an author who was speaking there drafted him into a skit. He had been married to my mother for over a quarter of a century, and then had been divorced for a few years when that happened. Being open to chance encounters like that one can help, as long as there isn't a sense of desperation.
My first "real" girlfriend was a middle-aged woman. But unless you're looking for a 19-year-old boy toy, then I don’t suggest you do what she did.

Everything you wrote sounds good. But you didn’t specify what you'd want out of that "nice guy" – are you looking for a husband? A "life partner"? A boyfriend? Or boyfriends?

Also consider that you may have been telling others and even yourself that you want something, when you might be doing things that say otherwise. I write this because I noticed I had been doing that very thing. I had said and thought that I wanted to get married and have kids, but one day it struck me (the closest thing to an epiphany I've ever had) that I kept attaching myself to women I would not marry. Eventually, I turned things around and I did get married and have kids. So consider that perhaps you would actually prefer the life you have made for yourself rather than dealing with someone else's problems and flaws and sharing space and decision making along with all of the good things a guy may bring.

Also, consider that there may be something you are doing to give off the wrong signals to the right guys – because if you've got all of those nice qualities, then you should be able to attract some guys, and at least a few of them should seemingly be close enough to what you want to warrant some dates to investigate.

If you've sincerely considered all of that and really do want a boyfriend or something more serious, then have you considered exactly what it is you need in such a partner? Knowing what you're looking for will make it easier to spot it when you find it. It also prevents you from wasting time and emotion on a person is isn’t right for you. I did this in finding my wife, and she did it in finding her husband. Some people don’t consider it romantic, but it is very helpful. I would "profile" a kind of person with whom you’d be most happy – break it into "musts", "would be nice" and "dealbreakers". For example, I had to have a wife who had the same general worldview as me, she had to want kids, and had to agree that strangers would not be raising our kids; she had to be no more than a year or two older or eight years younger. It would have been nice if she had natural DD breasts, but that wasn't important. I would not date women with minor children – that was a dealbreaker.

Who are the available guys that meet your criteria? If you’re looking for a guy around your age, you're more likely to find a guy who is divorced rather than widowed or never married. Being divorced may mean he has the baggage of a difficult ex-wife, alimony payments, and children. However, it is possible that there are divorced guys out there who don't have that baggage (and maybe you don't mind a guy having adult children), and are divorced because they either married young & wrong, or they didn't treat their wives right – but have since learned better. At least you know the guy is willing to get married. Not so with a guy who has never been married by middle age. A widower, especially one who stuck with a sick wife, could be a very special find.

Perhaps an older man would be acceptable to you, as long as he is healthy and active? If you're looking for financial security through marriage, then you're more likely to find it in an older man, as rich guys your age are snagging the younger girls. A significantly younger man may work, if you are secure enough and you find a guy who isn't looking for a mother to baby him.

Where are they likely to be? You're not going to lure these men to you if you're not hanging out where they are. And that hanging out can be online.

You dismissed online dating, but not all sites are alike. Some range from hooking up to serious marriage-minded matchmaking. I would at least check out some information posted at this unofficial eHarmony.com blog, or perhaps picking up a book I read by the guy who started the business based on his years of counseling experience – Finding the Love of Your Life. The blog lists the "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" that customers can use in finding a partner. They (used to?) tell you to pick ten of each.

You also dismissed church because you don't go anymore. I'm Christian and I generally endorse regular attendance in a healthy, well-balanced Bible-teaching church, but aside from that, there has to be a church or some equivalent out there whose doctrine and practices are acceptable to you. But without that, I would recommend joining some sort of civic organization or charitable effort or even a club like a Toastmasters club or one centered around some interest or hobby of yours to find like-minded guys. I see you work with a nonprofit already, but it is best to keep this issue separate from work.

Even avoiding online dating, you might find the right guy for you in a discussion website where people talk about something of interest to you. For example, one discussion board I haunt discusses a some rather trivial stuff, but there are sections of that board set aside for people to get to know each other as people aside from their common entertainment interest. You can use a sneaky "grid" approach in a place like that. For example, let's say the discussion board I was frequenting was for fans of classic (1960s and before) films. If I was single, I could post something in the appropriate area asking people if they had any special plans for Easter. I would be looking for someone who wrote a response that indicated to me that they shared my faith. Then, several days later, I would post something about attitudes towards parenting, or perhaps asking people what they think of this or that current event. I would note any woman whose contributions to each discussion indicated to me that we not only shared a love of classic movies, but more important things. Most of these services allow people to display their pictures, too. Bingo. You also might be ableto find someone by Googling for blogs discussing topics important to you.

I wish I could be more help. Maybe someone else can comment with some help.