Thursday, April 01, 2010

You Want to Do WHAT?

There's a wide variety of sexual and related behaviors, even in the world of heterosexual, monogamous married sex. Part of that variety may involve a fantasy – one that is either possible for a married couple to literally fulfill without sinning (like having sex in the woods) or that takes role playing (dressing up like a cheerleader... it would be a sin for the husband to actually go find a cheerleader with whom to have sex).

There's also a variety of advice, often conflicting, such as: don't share your fantasies vs. do share your fantasies. After all, some fantasies may actually disgust your partner - I think it is more likely that wives will be disgusted by their husband's fantasies - or make your partner feel inadequate. But aren't there fantasies that should be revealed to your partner?

Mutual fantasies are not all that common. I once saw Bill Maher do a routine that claimed there are no mutual fantasies, graphically combining a typical female fantasy (which involved a knight in shining armor) and a typical male fantasy (where the knight shoots his ejaculate). Bill Maher sometimes gets it wrong, but not in that case.

It doesn't even have to be a fantasy. It could simply be an action, a technique. I pretty much agree with The Generous Wife when she writes...

I think imagination is a gift from God. It serves a number of purposes, but, like most things, can be used for good or bad. As believers, we need to be wise about how we use our imaginations. I think there is nothing wrong with writing bedroom stories. I think there is nothing wrong with role playing. I think there is nothing wrong with enjoying sexual memories or creating sexual fantasies. I do think we need to be prayerful about content. We need to understand that where the mind goes the body may follow, where we create an appetite we may want to feed.


I don't think there's anything wrong with fantasizing that you and your husband are young again, that you're deserted on a island, or that you live in another time (goodness, if you want to be aliens, go for it). I do get concerned when folks involve other people in their fantasies or if they imagine doing things that their spouse would never in a million years ever do (that may create a hunger for something that's just not going to happen and end in frustration for everyone).
I think just about anything a married couple does in seclusion is okay, as long as it doesn't hurt. Some would say pain can be good – but draw the line at anything that causes lasting damage. Some people see certain things as degrading, while I am less likely to think of them as such if they are not done in front of others. Take, for example, "golden showers". The thought of them doesn't turn me on, but it doesn't turn me off. If my wife wanted one, I'd oblige, and not timidly. Urine isn't harmful. Or some women call their man "Daddy" in bed even though neither one of them have ever had a desire to actually engage in incest or prostitution/pimping. It would probably turn me off, or at least take me some time to get used to. I've never understood a guy wanting to wear a woman's undergarment, but some straight guys are into that. Handcuffing, blindfolding – that can be fun. Women may feel silly stripping for their husbands, but if a husband has asked for it, the wives can do no wrong... other than to say "no".

Ladies, let's say you discover that your husband has a fantasy or a desire to do (or have you do) something specific that you aren't into – you might even find it strange or shocking. Maybe you'd never considered it before and your knee-jerk response is "huh?" or even "eeww!" – or maybe the thought of it simply doesn't move you one way or the other.

There are many different ways you can respond including, but not limited to:

A) Laugh at him, belittle him, deride him, call him a sick freak, and tell everyone you know.
B) Laugh at him, belittle him, deride him, call him a sick freak, but don’t tell anyone else (except your best friend, of course).
C) Yell at him about it and then spend the night with your family or friends.
D) Pretend like you never found out, but you distance yourself from him by being scarce and less willing to engage in lovemaking.
E) Pretend like you never found out, carry on as normal.
F) Tell him that it is never ever going to happen.
G) Surprise him by enthusiastically indulging him.
H) Tease him (in a good way) by letting him know you're going to indulge him later that night or later in the week.
I) Indulge him and take the opportunity to ask him to indulge you in one of your fantasies.

Those are not necessary listed worst to best, and that changes anyway based on whether you found out without him knowing you found out, or he told you or otherwise knows you know. A,B, C, and D are not good ways to handle the situation. G, H, and I are among those things that make someone, in my estimation, a great lover.

Obviously, if something makes you very uncomfortable or is a major turn off, then, you should not do it. For example, if a woman has a sensitive gag reflex, deep throating isn't going to be possible, at least without a lot of conditioning.

My wife once surprised me with the schoolgirl thing. Although it isn't a specific fantasy of mine (and so I’d never asked her to do it), I enjoyed it because 1) she was making a special effort; 2) I didn't have sex in high school/I am not a teacher, so the fantasy involved something I have never and will never actually experience; 3) It wasn't a turn-off. It seemed to turn her on, although she didn't explicitly say it was a fantasy of her's.

Variety can be a very good thing. You can always do your normal/plain/vanilla routine. Why not try something different once in a while?

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