Mom Wants Adult Daughter to Clean Up

Moving out does not mean the end of hearing "clean your room" from your mother. WORRIED MOM IN OREGON wrote in to Dear Abby:

My 35-year-old daughter, "Rhonda," is intelligent and creative, but her house is a disaster.

Why would someone expect someone's house to be clean and orderly because they are intelligent and creative? If anything, creative people are more likely to have a mess.

There are clothes, books, magazines, etc. piled on every surface. Dishes are stacked on her bed; socks and paper litter the floor.

While unmarried, and thus, living alone, I had my clothes, books, magazines, papers, and more piled everywhere, and my laundry in a pile. However, I never kept dirty dishes around, because I didn't want to attract bugs. Now that I'm married, I have my own room (with a closed door) dedicated to my disorganized stuff. The rest of our house is less cluttered but rarely ready to appear as a good example in a magazine. We have young'uns.

How can she feel good living like this?

Maybe she doesn't. It isn't really a problem unless there is a fire hazard or an actual health hazard - or if she is in dispair. Not everyone likes to entertain others in their home, and they don't mind living in clutter or disorganization.

Rhonda is caring and attractive, but she rarely dates.

Maybe she does "date" and you just don't know because she goes on booty calls and doesn't feel like telling you. Maybe she doesn't want to date. If she does want to date, maybe this is one way of keeping herself from bringing someone home, though from what I hear, a very messy place doesn't always stop someone from bringing their dates home.

Could her mess be a symptom of something more serious?

Sure. But so could pristine order and cleanliness.

Abby, I'm worried about my daughter's chances for future happiness, but I have no idea how to help her.

You have not indicated she is unhappy, and I'm sure you would have cited other evidence of her being unhappy if you had it. Maybe she has more important things to do than pick up everything and organize it, especially if she is the only person living there.

Dear Abby responded:

If you're the kind of mother who always picked up after her children, then this is only more of the same. If your daughter's disorderliness is something new, then it might be a symptom of depression or some other emotional problem.

All true.

When you say you are concerned about Rhonda's chances for future happiness, do you mean you're worried that she's 35 and still single? Not every woman needs a man to complete her.

Also very true. Well, as a follower of Christ I would say every woman AND man needs Christ, and He's a man, but that's not what we're talking about here.

Have a heart-to-heart talk with your daughter and explain your concerns. You won't find out what's going on in her head until you do.

If she expresses a desire for things to be different, you can try hiring a professional organizer and then a maid to come in once every week or two. However, at 35, old habits die hard, and things will likely get disorganized again, even if the place is "clean". And that is also something for any potential husband to keep in mind. This woman can't be relied on to keep a clean, orderly house. Marrying her means either cleaning up yourself, or paying for someone else to do it - or living like that.