In-Law Situation - What Is Your Take?

Someone (a wife and mother of more than one child) who shall remain anonymous left me this comment:

Let me get your opinion here: My husband's sister got knocked up and gave the baby up about 2.5 years ago. Six months later, she got married to a fellow (not the baby daddy) and is now pregnant again.

These in-laws would like to [move] to my state to be close to my husband and I so that they can "utilize" me as daycare while they finish their degrees and work beyond full time. I was very clear that I think a child should be raised by its parents. My husband, however, stepped in to say "we" (which is to say ME) would do whatever we could to help them out.

Sure sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, but, I gave up college and worked around my husbands college and work when we had our first.

It's not like either one is close to graduation, we're taking years. My husband and I are thinking about having one more child ourselves.

...I'm not wrong here, am I? You put your wife and kids and their needs before others, even relatives, don't you? You encourage people to make the necessary sacrifices, you don't make it easy to abandon their kids, right? Or am I just being stingy and persnickety? I've been changing diapers for about 7 years straight now - I can barely muster up the love to wipe my own kids bums ... and I'm pretty sure I'll be expected to be cheap if not free labor. My time isn't valued. I feel whiny. Sorry...they haven't moved yet and probably can't afford to (unless they were to move in with us for a while), so it's all hypothetical.

What do you think?

I wrote back privately, but I'll share some of my thoughts here...

Ultimately I defer to how these things are settled in your family. I'll give you MY opinion though, even though my opinion should mean squat within the walls of your home.

These in-laws would like to my state to be close to my husband and I so that they can "utilize" me as daycare while they finish their degrees and work beyond full time.

This MIGHT be okay... IF... you had the time (reading your blog, I think you have enough on your plate) AND they would PAY you for it. So, essentially, it would be a home-based business.

I was very clear that I think a child should be raised by its parents. My husband, however, stepped in to say "we" (which is to say ME) would do whatever we could to help them out.

Sounds to me that he is putting his sister and his charitable feelings - as well as intentioned as they may be - over the needs of his family. "Leave and cleave". His wife and kids should take the higher priority.

Sure sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, but, I gave up college and worked around my husbands college and work when we had our first.

EXACTLY. You have made good choices and should be further burdened by the choices of others. Now, of course family helps each other out and in cases like this family babysits from time to time, but not regularly.

I'm not wrong here, am I?

No, you are not.

You put your wife and kids and their needs before others, even relatives, don't you? You encourage people to make the necessary sacrifices, you don't make it easy to abandon their kids, right?

Yes. Yes. Have I mentioned before that my MIL keeps pressuring my wife to leave our child with her overnight? Have I mentioned my wife has refused to cater to her mother's wishes, even to let her babysit for a few hours during the day, because MIL is an active alcoholic? MIL would stop bitching if my wife simply said, "okay!" But we just can't take the risk.

Tell your husband that you feel for them, but you need to put taking care of him and your children over making it easier for his sister. They have made their choices... and you two have made yours. Aren't there grandparents who could get involved? Childless relatives/friends who would like to have the fun of looking after kids without the ultimate responsibility?

The bottom line for your husband should be that you are his wife. You are the one in his bed. Tell him that you were hoping to have more time and energy to focus on practicing the art of lovemaking, and it will be difficult to do that if you have to take on this unecessary burden.

Family should step in when something unplanned happens... some sort of accident or illness or something that someone did not bring upon themselves. Your SIL's situation in entirely her own doing.

She wrote back, explaining that the other options (other relatives) I mentioned are a no-go and why.

You know how I feel about this. Any more advice???