Ringing Up a Problem

Here's another woman upset about getting jewelry. FEELING "USED" IN PENNSYLVANIA is "deeply hurt" - she wrote:

My boyfriend, "Paul," and I have been dating for four years.

That's a bit of a long time for someone who is looking to get married.

He has recently started talking about purchasing an engagement ring for me. Paul is well-off, although very frugal, which is how he accumulated most of his wealth.

Well, it is how he has retained wealth.

Paul has been searching online sites for a used ring. He says he "doesn't want to waste his money on a new engagement ring when he can buy a used one." This from a man who didn't think twice about spending thousands of dollars to buy his son a brand-new car or a brand-new boat for himself.

Hmmm. Doesn't sound so frugal to me. But notice that vehicles are functional items that deteriorate over time – such as with mechanical failures that can weaken their level of safety - in ways that jewelry does not. So, he could have had practical reasons for buying new vehicles.

Am I wrong to feel I'm only worth a used engagement ring?

Feelings are one thing, but you are wrong to think you are only worth any ring, no matter how big or new.

This is the most precious gift he could give me -- a sign of our love and commitment -- and I would cherish it forever.

Really? That's the most precious gift he could give you – the ring, and not what it symbolizes?

When a woman's man wants to buy her a piece of jewelry, I can't think of many instances where she should complain about that. If she were to buy him tickets to the big game, he should not complain if they aren't the best, most expensive seats in the venue.

Dear Abby responded:

There's a difference between frugal and just plain cheap. That Paul would tell you he considers buying you a new engagement ring is a WASTE shows insensitivity to your feelings.

It is a waste if he can get the right ring used.

Would he also prefer that your wedding gown come from a thrift store?

There's nothing wrong with that, per se. Used does not always mean something will be in bad shape.

She knows he is frugal. Is she going to feel this way about gifts, vacation, dinners, etc. throughout their marriage? Maybe they aren't right for each other. If it is really that important to her, she can find a man who will enthusiastically shell out top dollar for a brand new ring.

I had my wife's ring made to order. She gave me very loose guidelines about what she preferred – she did not go shopping with me. She tells me all of the time that she loves it, and she tells me that even after finding the documents (she insisted on organizing my files) showing I had paid about one-third the retail value of the ring, because I bought it wholesale. She is happy I saved money on the ring. But we are talking about a woman who found a beautiful wedding dress for an unheard of low price and was happy to save the money, wore the dress proudly, and told people how inexpensive it was.