For the Sake of the Kids

Divorce and out-of-wedlock parenting have become so commonplace that it is now shocking heresy to take the position I'm taking. "WENDY" IN WASHINGTON wrote in to Dear Abby:

If someone is in an "unhappy" marriage with kids, is it a good idea or bad thing to wait until the kids are adults before considering divorce?

I tend to agree with Dr. Laura on this – put the kids first. Stick together and behave as though you love the person. Model a peaceful, cooperative home for your children. Don't take any bait to engage in fighting. Who is to say things will not work out in the mean time? Plus, this gives you more power to protect your children and control what kind of home they'll continue to have than if you divorced. You don't want your kids exposed to different honeys your spouse would have in the place if you weren't living together.

The exception, which I shouldn't even need to point out, is when danger is involved. In that case, take the kids and go – preferably to your parents so they kids will have both a male and female role model.

One of the risks in these cases is that the higher earner (in most cases, the husband) will be ensuring that he will be financially obligated to his wife for life. In California, ten years of marriage can obligate a man to pay alimony for life. The "guy solidarity" side of me wonders if it would be possible to legally separate but still live in the home in such situations. I know there are such things as post-nuptial agreements. This is another reason to have a pre-nup in the first place, though I think it is possible for a court to ignore it.

Ultimately for me, the needs of the children take priority, even if that means a guy will have to be paying money to life to some harlot shrew who was nothing but trouble to him for most of their time together. I would like to see the divorce laws changed - but whether they are changed or not, kids still need their parents.

Dear Abby replied:

I have heard from children of dysfunctional couples saying that although their parents didn't fight openly, they could feel the tension between their parents and would have grown up emotionally healthier if their parents had separated.

How do those children know that? It is easy to imagine that your parents wouldn't be fighting with each other and therefore things would be better (not to mention two sets of gifts received for each occasion), but I'm thinking these children didn't think about the possible (and likely) negatives of divorce. Their parents could still be fighting for years after a divorce, using the children as pawns, and exposing their children to unsavory dates.

It would be nice if everyone could by happy and have their ideal marriage. Dealing with a difficult person is not fun, especially when it is day in and day out in your own home. I know. I was once engaged to a woman who had a key to my place and I realized I needed to end it when I would approach my door, realize that she was inside, and be disappointed that she was. But once you choose to become a parent, you have obligations that take precedence over your wants.
Yet another reason to choose your spouse wisely and treat your spouse kindly.