What Could Have Been

"If you decide not to choose you still have made a choice." – Neil Peart, "Freewill"

I heard Dr. Laura make a good point on her show recently to a caller who kept questioning herself regarding whether or not she missed out on something because she married young.

Dr. Laura put the questions the caller had to rest: Yes, she did miss out on some things. But that is true of any choice. We have to make choices, and when we do, we unavoidably are choosing to miss out on something else. But often, you have also been able to experience some good things you wouldn't have otherwise.

The woman who married young is thinking that she missed on some things she would have liked, perhaps such things as getting to know other men, spending more time with friends, perhaps getting more education or more career advancement, and traveling. As Dr. Laura pointed out, she likely missed out on some bad things, too – maybe getting dumped by guys who mislead her, STDs, unplanned and unwed pregnancies, etc.

Some would try to convince you that you didn't miss out on anything, but I think Dr. Laura has it right. All of us miss out on some things - good and bad - by the choices we make. You can't take back a choice, either, though you can, in some cases, change the direction in which you are going.

This caller said she had a great husband and was happy with him, so it wasn't her expressing regret over having not married as well as she could have.

That’s something I wanted to write about.

One of the cruel truths (to women, anyway) about our society and human nature is that women "lose value" as they get older and men tend to gain value, at least when it comes to dating, sex, marriage, etc. Clearly, women, like men, tend to gain value with experience as employees, friends, parents, grandparents, leaders, etc. But when it comes to marrying, women do face a pressure in their choices that men do not.

Please do not hate me for writing the truth here, ladies. I'm not one of those guys who only finds 19-year-olds attractive. In my rebellious years, long before my wife came into my life, I fell in love (lust?) with a much older woman while still a teenager, and subsequently dated women significantly older than me as well as dating women around my age and few years younger. Why? Well, that’s another blog entry. But in general, established men who are looking for women – whether merely for sex or for marriage – prefer younger, hotter women. That is the way men are wired. We are visual creatures, and the less sagging, gray hair, blemishes, scarring, wrinkling, etc. there is, the better. (I'm talking in attracting someone to begin with – we know these things are natural for our wives as we grow old together). Women know this, too, which is why some of them don't try as hard to keep up their appearance once they get the guy to sign on the dotted line. Practically speaking, there is the issue of fertility and what the kids will look like. So, women do tend to "lose value" in this area as they get older.

In general, the more money, power, or fame a man has, the more women there are who will accept his invitations, advances, and proposals. Since men tend to get more of these as they age, they tend to "gain value" as they get older. Sure, women like a man sporting a full head of hair, a six pack, and the ability to get erect at any time – but most will choose the "good provider" over the stud when it comes to marriage. The nerds who couldn't get a date in high school, if they play their cards right, will have their endless pick of hot young women long before the 20-year reunion.

So, what does all of this mean? A woman can do very well by marrying young. She runs the risk of not being able to rely on her husband as a "good provider" if she waits until she's in her 30s to marry, unless she is willing to marry a man in his 50s or older. Financially successful 30-something or 40-something men can get 20-something women to marry them. For this reason, a wife in her 30s or older who likes her husband or at least finds him tolerable but wants to live a wealthier life is probably not going to be able to find a wealthier man by divorcing her husband. However, women (like men), tend to make better choices with experience. So it becomes a balancing act in terms of when you have enough experience to make the right decisions vs. who you are attracting.

What will I be teaching my daughter? Don't get serious before age 25. But if she wants to marry and have children, she should be looking for a husband before the turns 30, because it may take a while to find him and it will take a while to make sure he's right for her.

Men face their own pressure in deciding to marry that women do not. With divorce, community property, alimony, child support, child custody, domestic violence, and abortion realities being what they are, a man can literally be placing his life in a woman's hands by marrying her. She can legally have someone kill his children in her womb without so much as telling him. She can easily send him to jail. She can leave him and collect some of his paycheck for the rest of her life, even if she was nothing by a hindrance to his career. She can assault him and get away with it. She can keep him from seeing his kids. She can obligate him to raise her lover's children.

If you are someone who wants to get married, keep these realities in mind as motivation to "choose wisely and treat kindly", as Dr. Laura says. If you think you have found your spouse, then you should be able to answer "YES!" to the following question: Is this the best you'll ever be able to do?

Like I said, men who seek to be husbands and fathers understand that we all get older, and that means his wife will get older. And while his ability to provide will likely increase and her youth will slip away, a wife becomes more and more valuable to her husband as she learns more about fulfilling his needs - as his best friend, his comforter, his partner, and his lover - and establishes a history of doing so. True love trumps lust.