Although I can't name anyone off of the top of my head, there were probably men who were killed in the past because divorce either wasn't an option for a wife or a disastrous one. Likewise, while I condemn murder and I blame murderers for murder and I don't believe any woman deserves to be so much as assaulted for using marriage and divorce laws to her advantage, let alone legitimate protection... I do have to wonder if some women who have been murdered by their husbands or ex-husbands would not have been if the laws had been different, or there was a good pre-nup, or something along those lines.
My father has worked very, very hard. He grew up in the rural Midwest in a family of very modest means. Their home was a single room for part of his childhood. My father was not good with his hands, and his father, who did manual (but skilled) labor, told my father he'd never be able to support a family. At the urging of his teachers, my father applied to universities and for scholarships, and was able to go to a good university and graduate. He came out to California to teach.
My father met my mother, married her, and decided that if he was going to have a family, he needed to earn more than what he was making as a teacher. He went to graduate school and got a higher degree. He landed a job in that field, and proceeded to work his butt off. He stuck with the same employer, played the game, and got into management. He didn't stop until he made it all the way to the top.
He was well on his way to that top spot – he was in the last position he'd have before making there, when my parents divorced.
My father has always been an awesome father to me.
When I was in high school, my parents started to have problems. My father couldn't understand why my mother couldn't be like his female colleagues or the wives of his male colleagues and enjoy "social" events related to his job. My mother did not give him the respect at home a husband should have, while at the office he was admired, respected, and he usually got his way. My mother didn't understand the modern office, and that my father had to interact with women in ways professional men of the past didn't, because in the past women were either secretaries or not present in the office; not colleagues or bosses. My father was reluctant to take vacations that were completely personal, with no connection to his professional goals. My mother has always had some personality issues. Counselor after counselor and a great sex life (according to my mother) couldn't prevent the decline of their marriage.
When I left for college, my father moved into my room at home. It wasn't like my parents were staying together for my sake – I had younger siblings. My father later moved out of the house entirely, but stayed close, and then the divorce was final about three years after I had left.
It is a community property state, and my mother, although having retired to the workforce, earned significantly less than my father. So he has payments to make to her for life, as it is unlikely she will ever remarry. She claims she got screwed over. My father never discusses any of that stuff with me.
My father met another woman, who was willing to be by his side at all of the functions and parties he went to. They married around the same time my father finally made it to the top at the office. Several years later, my father was fed up with the board and took his retirement. He could still collect his retirement and work elsewhere, and that's exactly what he did, and my guess is that he makes significantly more in his new position, even though he isn't the CEO.
We don't discuss his finances, but apparently he's discussed them somewhat with one of my sisters, and it sounds like he's been rather foolish. My father apparently didn't know that his wife owed back taxes and back child support (yes, a woman owing child support). From what I understand, when they sold her house and bought another one, it was placed in her name. She works, but she's self-employed and I highly doubt she earns anywhere near what my father does. So the way I figure it, my father paid off her back taxes and child support and is paying for her home.
My siblings have never liked my father's wife, and I don't think they've been fair to her. This is not surprising, since the nexus of that side of the family is my mother and my eldest sister. I've had mostly a good relationship with my father’s wife, and have been willing to give her every benefit of the doubt. But my perception has been changing. There was another recent incident during which she publicly disrespected my father. And it makes me think back to how she acted for a full year after my wife and I married; events around the wedding did not go the way she would have wanted, so we couldn't all get together. After we let her vent at us for something we had nothing to do with, things seemed to be fine and we were willing to put it all behind us.
She had three children of her own. One has opted to make a life on the other side of the world. Another has opted to raise her family close to her father, who is in a different part of the country; a man we have reason to believe is evil. The only one who came back to the area killed himself. All three of her children liked my father. So my father hasn't been the problem, and apparently a man who does unspeakable things to his own children is preferred to my father's wife (but perhaps the daughter is sick?).
My father has been going to counseling and trying to patch things up with my siblings. He's aging as though he's under a lot of stress.
The marriage has lasted more than ten years, so if it ends my father will be paying a second woman for life and will have to find a new home. For all I know her expensive tastes have saddled them with debt and lousy credit.
If my father does want to leave his wife, he may not because of the financial issues.
My wife says that my mother is still in love with my father. My father has a rather bad memory of his marriage to my mother, so it's not like there would be hope of them getting back together.
A definite benefit for my father for going through another divorce would be better relations with my siblings. Heck, they'd probably throw him the biggest party he's ever seen and let him move in to one of their places.
I was taken off guard by how my father was disrespected. I should have said something, but I tend to do better when I've had time to mull it over. I will be better prepared if I ever see that again.
Guys, don't be stupid with your money. If you marry, marry a woman who has good financial habits, and get a good pre-nup that involves full disclosure. Do not pay for anything – a house, a car, anything – that isn't in your name.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The Brady Bunch Was Fiction
I can't believe I never thought about this before. I've thought plenty about how simply dating a single/divorced/widowed mother to minor children can obligate a man to shell out money for her kids, but I hadn't thought about the position that parents are put in when their adult children date parents of minor children. FAIR-MINDED IN WEST VIRGINIA wrote in to Dear Abby:
So sad to hear it.
Even more sad to hear that. Her kids don’t need that. Neither do his kids. And he doesn’t need to obligate himself financially to your daughter and grandchildren.
Shacking up is a horrible idea. What a terrible example for the children. It also increases the likelihood of abuse.
That mostly makes it worse. The only upside is that since they are being thrown together pre-puberty, it is less likely they will be having sex with each other.
So what's the letter writer's concern? The chaos? The bad example? The negative correlations? No! It's...
Do not acknowledge his birthday at all. But his kids have no control over this. I'd say you should send them all gifts, but the chances are, this mess isn't going to last very long, and then the kids may still expect gifts. The kids are a little young to appreciate it, but you could make savings deposits for your grandchildren, and send the cards to your daughter with the instruction that she present them to your grandchildren when the other kids aren't present.
The proper thing was for your daughter to not shack up in the first place.
Dear Abby responded:
So, if her daughter were to get a roommate, wouldn't that mean they "formed a household" and they should send gifts to the roommate's kids? It isn't like they all get together every week.
If. Blended families rarely work anything like the Brady Bunch. And they aren't even family, because it is a shack-up situation.
What a mess. Don't do this to your parents. If you're not going to wait for the kids to be grown, then at least get married and thereby make the other people family.
Our daughter is divorced with two children.
So sad to hear it.
She has been dating a man who has three children.
Even more sad to hear that. Her kids don’t need that. Neither do his kids. And he doesn’t need to obligate himself financially to your daughter and grandchildren.
Recently, they decided to move in together.
Shacking up is a horrible idea. What a terrible example for the children. It also increases the likelihood of abuse.
All the children are first grade or younger.
That mostly makes it worse. The only upside is that since they are being thrown together pre-puberty, it is less likely they will be having sex with each other.
So what's the letter writer's concern? The chaos? The bad example? The negative correlations? No! It's...
What would be the proper way to handle birthdays?
If my daughter and her boyfriend were married, or even engaged, I wouldn't have a problem sending gifts to his children. But since my husband and I hardly know this man (we live in another state and have met him only once or twice), we're not sure how to handle this.
Do not acknowledge his birthday at all. But his kids have no control over this. I'd say you should send them all gifts, but the chances are, this mess isn't going to last very long, and then the kids may still expect gifts. The kids are a little young to appreciate it, but you could make savings deposits for your grandchildren, and send the cards to your daughter with the instruction that she present them to your grandchildren when the other kids aren't present.
What's the proper thing?
The proper thing was for your daughter to not shack up in the first place.
Dear Abby responded:
Your daughter and grandchildren have formed a household with her boyfriend and his kids. If you're compassionate people, you will treat all of the children equally for as long as the relationship lasts.
So, if her daughter were to get a roommate, wouldn't that mean they "formed a household" and they should send gifts to the roommate's kids? It isn't like they all get together every week.
If they decide to marry, which is a possibility, you will wind up being grandparents to all of them.
If. Blended families rarely work anything like the Brady Bunch. And they aren't even family, because it is a shack-up situation.
What a mess. Don't do this to your parents. If you're not going to wait for the kids to be grown, then at least get married and thereby make the other people family.
The Minefield of Complimenting Beauty
What ever happened to giving and accepting compliments? MARRIED TO A KNOCKOUT wrote to Dear Abby:
Certainly, that’s better than "Does your wife play fetch?" Isn't it?
Why? Isn't that better than doing it behind their wife's back? They're not saying, "My wife is ugly compared to your hot babe."
How about, "Thanks. I blame her mother."?
Well, that was polite of you.
It could just be compliments. I mean, would you feel this way if they told you that your wife was so sharp, or so nice? On the other hand, maybe they are swingers and are doing some early testing of your waters. If the next time they see you they say, "Won't you join is in the hot tub... for some drinks... and some wild sex" you'll know.
Dear Abby responded:
Really?
Okay. Well, I don't recall putting anyone in that same position, but I don't see anything inherently wrong with the situation. Back in my bachelor days I would make a point of shaking a man's hand and telling him "way to go", nodding slyly towards his attractive wife or girlfriend. But that was usually a moment between just the two of us.
Recently, one sister-in-law was asking another who is getting into even better shape, and who is involved in the performing arts (no, not stripping or anything nude), if she is going to get breast implants. The question bummed out the second sister-in-law, and I wanted to tell her that there's nothing wrong with her body the way it is. I didn't say a thing, though, because I thought it my freak her out or upset my wife. I like my wife's body better, mind you, and I think about my wife and her body constantly, but there's nothing wrong with that sister-in-law’s body. When my wife and I were back home, I mentioned the situation and what I had thought. She didn’t seem like she would have been upset. Instead, the conversation diverted to the first sister-in-law who'd asked the question. She's so out of shape that it is clear she envies her sister's body and even said that if she could do one "simple" thing to have the perfect body, she would.
Anyway, when in doubt, it is best for a man, especially a husband, to stay silent. I can't help but think this is related to "sexual harassment" policies in the workplace and radical feminism, and in Christian circles, the concern that a man may possibly admire the female form, even if that form doesn't belong to his wife. Complimenting a woman's appearance is now a minefield. And make no mistake about it - when a man is told his wife is beautiful, it is also a compliment to the man. It says he has good taste and that he was capable of attracting a beautiful wife.
Twice, while attending social functions, my wife and I met couples for the first time. On each of these occasions as we were saying goodbye, the husbands said to me, "Your wife is gorgeous."
Certainly, that’s better than "Does your wife play fetch?" Isn't it?
They said it in front of their wives, which surprised me.
Why? Isn't that better than doing it behind their wife's back? They're not saying, "My wife is ugly compared to your hot babe."
The first time it happened, I didn't know what to say.
How about, "Thanks. I blame her mother."?
The second time, I replied, "So is yours," even though the women weren't all that attractive.
Well, that was polite of you.
I'm wondering if their comments were appropriate, especially because they were made in the presence of their wives. I wasn't offended, just caught off-guard and felt uncomfortable for their wives.
It could just be compliments. I mean, would you feel this way if they told you that your wife was so sharp, or so nice? On the other hand, maybe they are swingers and are doing some early testing of your waters. If the next time they see you they say, "Won't you join is in the hot tub... for some drinks... and some wild sex" you'll know.
Dear Abby responded:
The comments those individuals made strike me as insensitive to the feelings of their wives because it invited a comparison which could have made the women feel uncomfortable.
Really?
I think you handled both situations gallantly.
Okay. Well, I don't recall putting anyone in that same position, but I don't see anything inherently wrong with the situation. Back in my bachelor days I would make a point of shaking a man's hand and telling him "way to go", nodding slyly towards his attractive wife or girlfriend. But that was usually a moment between just the two of us.
Recently, one sister-in-law was asking another who is getting into even better shape, and who is involved in the performing arts (no, not stripping or anything nude), if she is going to get breast implants. The question bummed out the second sister-in-law, and I wanted to tell her that there's nothing wrong with her body the way it is. I didn't say a thing, though, because I thought it my freak her out or upset my wife. I like my wife's body better, mind you, and I think about my wife and her body constantly, but there's nothing wrong with that sister-in-law’s body. When my wife and I were back home, I mentioned the situation and what I had thought. She didn’t seem like she would have been upset. Instead, the conversation diverted to the first sister-in-law who'd asked the question. She's so out of shape that it is clear she envies her sister's body and even said that if she could do one "simple" thing to have the perfect body, she would.
Anyway, when in doubt, it is best for a man, especially a husband, to stay silent. I can't help but think this is related to "sexual harassment" policies in the workplace and radical feminism, and in Christian circles, the concern that a man may possibly admire the female form, even if that form doesn't belong to his wife. Complimenting a woman's appearance is now a minefield. And make no mistake about it - when a man is told his wife is beautiful, it is also a compliment to the man. It says he has good taste and that he was capable of attracting a beautiful wife.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Maybe She'll Get a Show on E!
From the Associated Press, distributing stuff from Maine's Portland Press Herald, comes this update on a repeat "American Idol" contestant.
She's now facing domestic abuse charges, and I hope she will be get the very same treatment as if the sexes were switched in this story.
Isn't that the classic response from a victim of DV? There's something wrong with him for trying to protect her from the law. Or she's really, really good in the sack. Most crazy women are, and a lot of guys will put up with a heckuva lot for wild sex. It's all fun until she cuts off your penis or sets you on fire, and not only gets away with it, but has a movie made about her to air on Lifetime.
Cunningham? I don't remember Joanie behaving that way.
That was no doubt a way to get a little more airtime. Stay classy.
A police report says 25-year-old Jessica Candage of Yarmouth was spotted Sunday evening by a Portland officer who said it appeared she was preventing her husband from walking toward him. The officer then saw Candage punch her husband, Craig, in the face several times.
She's now facing domestic abuse charges, and I hope she will be get the very same treatment as if the sexes were switched in this story.
Craig Candage told the Portland Press Herald the incident was his fault and his wife shouldn't have been charged.
Isn't that the classic response from a victim of DV? There's something wrong with him for trying to protect her from the law. Or she's really, really good in the sack. Most crazy women are, and a lot of guys will put up with a heckuva lot for wild sex. It's all fun until she cuts off your penis or sets you on fire, and not only gets away with it, but has a movie made about her to air on Lifetime.
Jessica Candage competed on "American Idol" under the stage name Jessica Cunningham.
Cunningham? I don't remember Joanie behaving that way.
She twice made it to the final 24. When last voted off the show, she responded to the judges' rejection by delivering a two-fisted, obscene gesture.
That was no doubt a way to get a little more airtime. Stay classy.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Another Boy Being Raised in Chaos
Here's another shining example from the "single mother" files. FEARFUL NANA IN GEORGIA wrote in to Dear Abby:
There's no father around, or mentioned at all. One must wonder why Alana didn't give the boy, "Tristan", up for adoption since she is so busy.
Unacceptable. She shouldn't be doing that, but no man should be putting up with it.
What he needs is you to adopt him.
That is your concern? Spanking? That's the least of the problems with what is going on.
Dear Abby questions Alana's self-esteem (of course - even though it sounds like Alana wasn't spanked). If she has such low esteem, how did she get a lucrative career?
She's not going to listen.
Parents should wait until their kids are grown.
That poor kid. His grandparents are his lifeline. Who knocked up Alana? Do you have any idea what is being done to your offspring?
My daughter, "Alana," has a 7-year-old son my husband and I have helped to raise while she got her life together and pursued her lucrative career.
There's no father around, or mentioned at all. One must wonder why Alana didn't give the boy, "Tristan", up for adoption since she is so busy.
The problem is, every time Alana gets a new boyfriend, she rushes to make the boyfriend Tristan's "daddy."
Unacceptable. She shouldn't be doing that, but no man should be putting up with it.
The men my daughter chooses are crude, rude and, without fail, feel a need to "straighten out" Tristan. My grandson does not need straightening out because he is polite, engaging and a good soul.
What he needs is you to adopt him.
Alana claims she's "in love" and fails to see the potential harm this guy could inflict on Tristan. We do not employ corporal punishment, but Jeff has already said (several times) he would "beat his butt"!
That is your concern? Spanking? That's the least of the problems with what is going on.
Dear Abby questions Alana's self-esteem (of course - even though it sounds like Alana wasn't spanked). If she has such low esteem, how did she get a lucrative career?
You and your husband need to get across to her how harmful it is for her to repeatedly introduce men to her son as "daddies."
She's not going to listen.
Parents should wait until they know their prospective mates well enough to be assured they won't injure the child physically or psychologically.
Parents should wait until their kids are grown.
That poor kid. His grandparents are his lifeline. Who knocked up Alana? Do you have any idea what is being done to your offspring?
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Should He Have Shut Up?
Dr. Laura usually gets it right. As my readers know, I'm a huge fan of hers.
Unless there was some off-air info the audience wasn't given, I think she dropped the ball on this one. June 9, 2011 Hour 2... almost 27 minutes into the podcast, she takes a call from "Brooke" who says she's in a 7 month relationship, and about 4 months in "before they started dating", the guy she is seeing told her he's "had an issue with pornography". No explanation was given by the caller as to what exactly was meant. Some people consider clothing catalogs pornographic.
Dr. Laura usually asks, "men, women, children, or small farm animals?" But she didn't.
He's now taking steps to be "accountable", including not having a lot of personal communication devices/computers that would allow him to access whatever it is that he calls porn.
He says he's a virgin and he's a Christian. If he wasn't religious, I can't see him having confessed to a girl he was dating his problem. He probably wouldn't have seen it as a problem in the first place, and wouldn't be taking steps to avoid porn.
Dr. Laura - who has told woman after woman that it isn't a big deal if a guy looks at porn of women or heterosexual sex as long as it doesn't go beyond mere recreation as far as time usage, doesn't keep him from making love with his wife, and doesn't use up family funds - noted that it must be "serious" if the guy was going without personal computers in his home.
I think this is a misunderstanding, because Dr. Laura is not steeped in the same religious culture as the caller and her (potential) boyfriend.
She told the girl to move on or have her tubes tied.
Assuming the guy was only looking at women or women having sex with men, I would think if the guy wasn't taking accountability steps, but was still looking at porn, we can reasonably guess from Dr. Laura's other statements about men and porn that her advice would be to tell the girl to get over it. It is quite possible that if this guy had never told this caller he had what he considered a problem, or had simply never tried to do anything about it, she would never, ever have found out in the first place. They could have had a lifelong happy marriage without the subject ever coming up.
It is quite possible that the guy was simply very horny because he was a virgin and not having sex on a regular basis, and once he was having regular lovemaking with his wife, he wouldn't have much use for porn at all. It is normal for men, even Christian virgins, to be horny on a regular basis, and have erotic dreams. If they don't masturbate, they are going to ejaculate anyway, as it is natural biology.
Frankly, if a guy is so "pure" that he doesn't ever look, then I'd tell a woman to be extremely careful that lest she marry a man with no sex drive, or who has been traumatized and isn't going to make love to her.
There probably is some guy out there compatible with this caller who is a virgin (if that is what she wants), and who hasn't "had a problem" with porn. But that will be a rare specimen indeed, and more rare with each day that goes by (assuming she wants to marry a man her age or older).
As for this guy, he'll be punished for doing what he thought was the right thing, what others have probably told him to do as part of his accountability, and being honest with the caller. Or we could see it as ongoing punishment for having indulged in the first place... though others who have indulged and aren't so open about it will not face that punishment (at least not in this life).
If the caller stays with him, she'll probably let it bug her and if she does, she will no doubt take that out on him.
If she dumps him, he'll be that much older and a virgin, and I'd wager (if I was a bettin' man) that the older a man is a virgin, the more wary Dr. Laura would tell a woman calling her to be wary.
As I've written here before, my wife was a virgin when we married. She made no secret about that. She also told me after we married that she had had a VHS tape of soft core (Cinemax or Showtime) to help sooth her urges. I never saw it - she claims she erased it when we married. She didn't get into anything strange. She didn't become a murderer. She's a great mother, and for the most part, an excellent wife.
I don't write any of this to defend porn, sinful lusting, or any other sin. But I do think people should be realistic, fair, and not let reactions get out of proportion.
Unless there was some off-air info the audience wasn't given, I think she dropped the ball on this one. June 9, 2011 Hour 2... almost 27 minutes into the podcast, she takes a call from "Brooke" who says she's in a 7 month relationship, and about 4 months in "before they started dating", the guy she is seeing told her he's "had an issue with pornography". No explanation was given by the caller as to what exactly was meant. Some people consider clothing catalogs pornographic.
Dr. Laura usually asks, "men, women, children, or small farm animals?" But she didn't.
He's now taking steps to be "accountable", including not having a lot of personal communication devices/computers that would allow him to access whatever it is that he calls porn.
He says he's a virgin and he's a Christian. If he wasn't religious, I can't see him having confessed to a girl he was dating his problem. He probably wouldn't have seen it as a problem in the first place, and wouldn't be taking steps to avoid porn.
Dr. Laura - who has told woman after woman that it isn't a big deal if a guy looks at porn of women or heterosexual sex as long as it doesn't go beyond mere recreation as far as time usage, doesn't keep him from making love with his wife, and doesn't use up family funds - noted that it must be "serious" if the guy was going without personal computers in his home.
I think this is a misunderstanding, because Dr. Laura is not steeped in the same religious culture as the caller and her (potential) boyfriend.
She told the girl to move on or have her tubes tied.
Assuming the guy was only looking at women or women having sex with men, I would think if the guy wasn't taking accountability steps, but was still looking at porn, we can reasonably guess from Dr. Laura's other statements about men and porn that her advice would be to tell the girl to get over it. It is quite possible that if this guy had never told this caller he had what he considered a problem, or had simply never tried to do anything about it, she would never, ever have found out in the first place. They could have had a lifelong happy marriage without the subject ever coming up.
It is quite possible that the guy was simply very horny because he was a virgin and not having sex on a regular basis, and once he was having regular lovemaking with his wife, he wouldn't have much use for porn at all. It is normal for men, even Christian virgins, to be horny on a regular basis, and have erotic dreams. If they don't masturbate, they are going to ejaculate anyway, as it is natural biology.
Frankly, if a guy is so "pure" that he doesn't ever look, then I'd tell a woman to be extremely careful that lest she marry a man with no sex drive, or who has been traumatized and isn't going to make love to her.
There probably is some guy out there compatible with this caller who is a virgin (if that is what she wants), and who hasn't "had a problem" with porn. But that will be a rare specimen indeed, and more rare with each day that goes by (assuming she wants to marry a man her age or older).
As for this guy, he'll be punished for doing what he thought was the right thing, what others have probably told him to do as part of his accountability, and being honest with the caller. Or we could see it as ongoing punishment for having indulged in the first place... though others who have indulged and aren't so open about it will not face that punishment (at least not in this life).
If the caller stays with him, she'll probably let it bug her and if she does, she will no doubt take that out on him.
If she dumps him, he'll be that much older and a virgin, and I'd wager (if I was a bettin' man) that the older a man is a virgin, the more wary Dr. Laura would tell a woman calling her to be wary.
As I've written here before, my wife was a virgin when we married. She made no secret about that. She also told me after we married that she had had a VHS tape of soft core (Cinemax or Showtime) to help sooth her urges. I never saw it - she claims she erased it when we married. She didn't get into anything strange. She didn't become a murderer. She's a great mother, and for the most part, an excellent wife.
I don't write any of this to defend porn, sinful lusting, or any other sin. But I do think people should be realistic, fair, and not let reactions get out of proportion.
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
Should Christians Marry Younger?
This entry is very long may be of no interest to my readers who are not Theists.
I usually catch some of Frank Pastore's show in the Los Angeles radio market. Pastore has a great show and I generally think he’s awesome. (Long story short: Pastore had a horrible childhood, was an atheist who scoffed at believers, became an MLB pitcher, had a career-ending injury, and became a Christian after being challenged by teammates. He got formal education that equipped him to talk intelligently about religion, philosophy, and politics.) On Tuesday's show, he was again talking about a concept I've heard him discuss before, because Dr. Al Mohler had been on "Focus on the Family" talking about it.
Here's the concept:
Christians should be raising children from birth with the expectation that they will marry at about ages 18-20, and the Church (Christians) should support such young newlyweds as they "grow into adulthood together".
Why? Because what we're doing now, which is telling our young people to complete their education, mature, and establish their careers before marrying at about ages 25 to 30, while we also are telling people to save sex for marriage (wink, wink) isn’t "working". It isn't working as evidenced by all of the shacking up, fornication, unwed pregnancies, and multiple "failed" relationships going on with "Christians"… which may, possibly, unthinkably, lead to the horrible abomination of.... men admiring pictures of nude women.
Okay, so I added that last part, but "porn use" is one of the problems cited with having people who are feeling raging hormones by age 13 wait 12 to 17 years to marry.
Mohler presents marriage as the expected norm in a way so as to portray the "gift of celibacy" that would allow a good Christian to stay unmarried as extremely rare. (Unfortunately, some men find that the "gift" of celibacy isn’t so rare in wives.) It could be taken in a way so that unmarried people are made to feel like something is wrong with them and they aren’t being good Christians, even if they aren’t fornicating.
Even lowering the age most Christians marry to 18 isn't going to eliminate the problem. As Mohler himself notes, people are growing physically/sexually mature at younger ages – currently by 13. Even if people do marry by 18, that still leaves five years of raging hormones. How many "Christian" children lose their virginity before 18? Would that number go down if they know they'll likely only have to wait until 18 rather than 25?
I usually catch some of Frank Pastore's show in the Los Angeles radio market. Pastore has a great show and I generally think he’s awesome. (Long story short: Pastore had a horrible childhood, was an atheist who scoffed at believers, became an MLB pitcher, had a career-ending injury, and became a Christian after being challenged by teammates. He got formal education that equipped him to talk intelligently about religion, philosophy, and politics.) On Tuesday's show, he was again talking about a concept I've heard him discuss before, because Dr. Al Mohler had been on "Focus on the Family" talking about it.
Here's the concept:
Christians should be raising children from birth with the expectation that they will marry at about ages 18-20, and the Church (Christians) should support such young newlyweds as they "grow into adulthood together".
Why? Because what we're doing now, which is telling our young people to complete their education, mature, and establish their careers before marrying at about ages 25 to 30, while we also are telling people to save sex for marriage (wink, wink) isn’t "working". It isn't working as evidenced by all of the shacking up, fornication, unwed pregnancies, and multiple "failed" relationships going on with "Christians"… which may, possibly, unthinkably, lead to the horrible abomination of.... men admiring pictures of nude women.
Okay, so I added that last part, but "porn use" is one of the problems cited with having people who are feeling raging hormones by age 13 wait 12 to 17 years to marry.
Mohler presents marriage as the expected norm in a way so as to portray the "gift of celibacy" that would allow a good Christian to stay unmarried as extremely rare. (Unfortunately, some men find that the "gift" of celibacy isn’t so rare in wives.) It could be taken in a way so that unmarried people are made to feel like something is wrong with them and they aren’t being good Christians, even if they aren’t fornicating.
Even lowering the age most Christians marry to 18 isn't going to eliminate the problem. As Mohler himself notes, people are growing physically/sexually mature at younger ages – currently by 13. Even if people do marry by 18, that still leaves five years of raging hormones. How many "Christian" children lose their virginity before 18? Would that number go down if they know they'll likely only have to wait until 18 rather than 25?
Hot For Teacher
WONDERING IN WYOMING, a teacher of ten years, wrote in to Dear Abby:
This is not unusual, thought I tended to look at my teachers as... teachers. I don't recall thinking much about their personal lives at all. I was there to learn from them, they were there to teach me.
You should have been warned about this.
She goes on to express her hesitation as well as her openness to this being the love of her life, asking if it would be inappropriate to follow her heart.
Wyoming is generally not the place I think of when I think of attractive women. I'm sure there are some there. But the most attractive young women tend to gravitate to the large metropolitan areas, especially the warmer ones, because there are more men with money, power, and fame to compete for her affections, and more opportunities for her to show off what she has. Think Los Angeles, Dallas, and Miami. Anyway, Kyle has an attraction, but it could be some unrealistic fantasy, especially a teacher-student fantasy, and his infatuation may give way to disillusionment. Or, maybe he's genuinely and deeply drawn to her. Hopefully, it is the latter.
If she's been teaching for ten years, then she's probably at least 32. She doesn't explain what grade she teaches, but Kyle is, at the oldest, 28. A wife being four years older can certainly work. Now, if he's 21, then the long-term prospects aren't so good.
I don't see any moral problem with her dating him. Dear Abby agrees, though warns that she should expect gossip and should be prepared to relocate. Good advice.
I'd bet money (if I was a wagerin’ man) that some male teachers and coaches in WONDERING's area are married to former students.
The girlfriend I had the longest relationship with (before my wife) was starting her teaching career when we first started dating. She had an amazing body. No matter how conservatively she dressed, she couldn't hide her DD breasts, and at least once, jealous female students falsely accused her of flaunting them. The funny thing was, that girlfriend failed to accept that she had a great body. She was teaching middle schoolers the first year, and she asked me if she should make male students work at the chalkboard. It took me a second to get the real meaning of her question, but once I understood, I advised her that it would be best to let the students stay in their seats. At that age, boys are getting erections all of time with little rhyme or reason, but her presence was plenty of reason. Those poor boys didn't stand a chance. Even if they cared more about the caboose. Or legs. She was all good.
So, ladies and gentlemen... did you have a crush on any of your teachers? Or whether as a student or adult, do you have any experience with a situation like this? Would you tell the letter writer not to do it?
One student I've kept in touch with recently admitted his romantic love for me.
This is not unusual, thought I tended to look at my teachers as... teachers. I don't recall thinking much about their personal lives at all. I was there to learn from them, they were there to teach me.
"Kyle" is now in his 20s and on his own. As his teacher 10 years ago, I'd never have dreamed of this happening.
You should have been warned about this.
What's difficult is I think I reciprocate those feelings. I never expected the man I connect with most to be a former student, but Kyle is an adult and I know him as such.
She goes on to express her hesitation as well as her openness to this being the love of her life, asking if it would be inappropriate to follow her heart.
Wyoming is generally not the place I think of when I think of attractive women. I'm sure there are some there. But the most attractive young women tend to gravitate to the large metropolitan areas, especially the warmer ones, because there are more men with money, power, and fame to compete for her affections, and more opportunities for her to show off what she has. Think Los Angeles, Dallas, and Miami. Anyway, Kyle has an attraction, but it could be some unrealistic fantasy, especially a teacher-student fantasy, and his infatuation may give way to disillusionment. Or, maybe he's genuinely and deeply drawn to her. Hopefully, it is the latter.
If she's been teaching for ten years, then she's probably at least 32. She doesn't explain what grade she teaches, but Kyle is, at the oldest, 28. A wife being four years older can certainly work. Now, if he's 21, then the long-term prospects aren't so good.
I don't see any moral problem with her dating him. Dear Abby agrees, though warns that she should expect gossip and should be prepared to relocate. Good advice.
I'd bet money (if I was a wagerin’ man) that some male teachers and coaches in WONDERING's area are married to former students.
The girlfriend I had the longest relationship with (before my wife) was starting her teaching career when we first started dating. She had an amazing body. No matter how conservatively she dressed, she couldn't hide her DD breasts, and at least once, jealous female students falsely accused her of flaunting them. The funny thing was, that girlfriend failed to accept that she had a great body. She was teaching middle schoolers the first year, and she asked me if she should make male students work at the chalkboard. It took me a second to get the real meaning of her question, but once I understood, I advised her that it would be best to let the students stay in their seats. At that age, boys are getting erections all of time with little rhyme or reason, but her presence was plenty of reason. Those poor boys didn't stand a chance. Even if they cared more about the caboose. Or legs. She was all good.
So, ladies and gentlemen... did you have a crush on any of your teachers? Or whether as a student or adult, do you have any experience with a situation like this? Would you tell the letter writer not to do it?
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
He's a Little Late in Ending This
This guy is complaining about his girlfriend constantly being tardy and losing things. I was always on time for everything... before I had kids. And I am literally compulsive about checking to make sure I don't lose things. If you were hanging around me, you'd see me checking my pockets often. LOSING PATIENCE IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST wrote to Dear Abby:
So you've been dating her for seven years now, since she was in her mid to late 20s, when she should have been looking for a husband, if that is what she wants. Nice.
You should have noticed all of this fairly early on, and realized this was not a match for you.
Uh huh…
You should have ended this a long time ago. You don't want a lifetime of this.
My guess is that this guy thought she would get better as she matured – perhaps he thought it was “cute” at first. Or, it is possible that he simply wants to trade her in for a younger model (notice, we don't have his age, though he mentions hers) and this is his excuse. He was able to tolerate this stuff because she was younger and hotter and good in bed. But now she's well out of her 20s* and she's probably getting complacent and dropping things out of her sexual arsenal... probably getting less and less enthusiastic and taking more and more effort on his part to get her to climax. Dumping her means he gets to go on the hunt again, experience a new, younger body, and have that New Relationship Energy again.
*If you’ve read some of my better past entries, you know I enjoyed the company of women of various ages, including into their 40s and 50s when I was in my 20s. But many men, especially in Category 4, see 30 as the "expiration date" when it comes to women. For them, it is downhill from there. And now that she's in her mid-30s, her options are dropping away.
I have been in a seven-year relationship with "Maddy," which will probably end soon because she can't seem to stick to any kind of routine. Maddy is in her mid-30s, the youngest in a large family, and grew up without any kind of responsibilities.
So you've been dating her for seven years now, since she was in her mid to late 20s, when she should have been looking for a husband, if that is what she wants. Nice.
She's always misplacing and losing things -- watches, cameras, jewelry, etc. Her mail goes unopened and her bills get paid late even though she has plenty of money.
You should have noticed all of this fairly early on, and realized this was not a match for you.
Maddy thinks I'm "controlling" because I get frustrated when we have to be somewhere at a specified time and she's always late.
Uh huh…
I have planned entire weekends with dinner reservations and events scheduled and let her know what time we need to leave. When the time comes, she's not even packed yet. Worse, she can't understand my irritation. Is this relationship worth saving -- or my sanity?
You should have ended this a long time ago. You don't want a lifetime of this.
My guess is that this guy thought she would get better as she matured – perhaps he thought it was “cute” at first. Or, it is possible that he simply wants to trade her in for a younger model (notice, we don't have his age, though he mentions hers) and this is his excuse. He was able to tolerate this stuff because she was younger and hotter and good in bed. But now she's well out of her 20s* and she's probably getting complacent and dropping things out of her sexual arsenal... probably getting less and less enthusiastic and taking more and more effort on his part to get her to climax. Dumping her means he gets to go on the hunt again, experience a new, younger body, and have that New Relationship Energy again.
*If you’ve read some of my better past entries, you know I enjoyed the company of women of various ages, including into their 40s and 50s when I was in my 20s. But many men, especially in Category 4, see 30 as the "expiration date" when it comes to women. For them, it is downhill from there. And now that she's in her mid-30s, her options are dropping away.
Monday, June 06, 2011
Ah, Malaysia
A group of women in Malaysia is making headlines because the group has said women should give it to their husbands good, and let him run the show. Associated Press writer Eileen Ng reports.
Well, yes, unless her husband is a complete idiot. My wife obeys me. And guess what? I obey her, too. We don't treat each other like children.
Well, it would certainly cut down on the number of men seeking divorce. In the USA, women are far more likely to file. As far as prostitution, There are some married men who go to hookers because the wife will not meet a reasonable sexual request. However, there are plenty of men who go to hookers for other reasons, such as not being married and lacking game, having a fetish for hookers, or having some sort of fetish that is difficult to fulfill in with an "unpaid" partner, etc.
I'm sure there are Muslim women (and men, for that matter) who swear up and down that this is false.
I'm still not seeing what is so bad. Well, except for the fringe Islamic thing.
Ah. But are they touting one husband-multiple wives polygamy with this particular program? And have they written in to Dear Abby?
Oh yeah, right. Asians never ever talk about sex. Right.
Whores charge.
Okay, well, wives who earn less than their husbands, which is most, are paid through community property laws within marital law. So, I suppose the argument can be made that a husband is already paying up. But is that true in Malaysia?
Marital lovemaking is supposed to be mutually enjoyable. A wife should not think of it in literal prostitution terms, and neither should her husband. But if you want to use "whore" in the nonliteral sense, then I getchya.
Again, let's be clear. Husband should not stray. However, it is more understandable that a husband will stray if his wife rejects him. After all, if you’re hungry, do you simply not eat if the kitchen is bare? No, you go out and get some food. Wives do have the power to keep their otherwise good husbands from falling to temptation. If the guy is messed up, he's going to cheat regardless. And he may marry a Kennedy.
I would never go that far.
Some of the upheaval in this world, after all, is caused by women being catty towards each other.
Okay, so I kid. But women really do have more power than men, especially when men choose not to control everything through brute strength. That is because men will only do what we can get away with and still get women to have sex with us and make us dinner.
As a new bride, 22-year-old Ummu Atirah believes she knows the secret to a blissful marriage: obey her husband and ensure he is sexually satisfied.
Well, yes, unless her husband is a complete idiot. My wife obeys me. And guess what? I obey her, too. We don't treat each other like children.
Ummu and some 800 other Muslim women in Malaysia are members of the "Obedient Wives Club" that is generating controversy in one of the most modern and progressive Muslim-majority nations, where many Muslim Malaysian women hold high posts in the government and corporate world.
The new club, launched Saturday, says it can cure social ills such as prostitution and divorce by teaching women to be submissive and keep their men happy in the bedroom.
Well, it would certainly cut down on the number of men seeking divorce. In the USA, women are far more likely to file. As far as prostitution, There are some married men who go to hookers because the wife will not meet a reasonable sexual request. However, there are plenty of men who go to hookers for other reasons, such as not being married and lacking game, having a fetish for hookers, or having some sort of fetish that is difficult to fulfill in with an "unpaid" partner, etc.
"Islam compels us to be obedient to our husband. Whatever he says, I must follow. It is a sin if I don't obey and make him happy," said Ummu, who wore a yellow headscarf.
I'm sure there are Muslim women (and men, for that matter) who swear up and down that this is false.
The club, founded by a fringe Islamic group known as Global Ikhwan, has been dismissed by politicians and activists as a throwback to Medieval times and an insult to modern women of Malaysia.
I'm still not seeing what is so bad. Well, except for the fringe Islamic thing.
But the group's activities, which previously included the setting up of a Polygamy Club, show that pockets of conservative Islamic ideas still thrive in Malaysia.
Ah. But are they touting one husband-multiple wives polygamy with this particular program? And have they written in to Dear Abby?
Despite the group's conservative Islamic background, Rohayah Mohamad, one of the founders of the club, openly talks about the virtues of marital sex even though most of her colleagues are shy about the topic.
"Sex is a taboo in Asian society."
Oh yeah, right. Asians never ever talk about sex. Right.
"We have ignored it in our marriages but it's all down to sex. A good wife is a good sex worker to her husband. What is wrong with being a whore ... to your husband?" she said.
Whores charge.
Okay, well, wives who earn less than their husbands, which is most, are paid through community property laws within marital law. So, I suppose the argument can be made that a husband is already paying up. But is that true in Malaysia?
Marital lovemaking is supposed to be mutually enjoyable. A wife should not think of it in literal prostitution terms, and neither should her husband. But if you want to use "whore" in the nonliteral sense, then I getchya.
She said wives must go beyond the traditional roles as good cooks or good mothers and learn to "obey, serve and entertain" their husbands to prevent them from straying or misbehaving.
Again, let's be clear. Husband should not stray. However, it is more understandable that a husband will stray if his wife rejects him. After all, if you’re hungry, do you simply not eat if the kitchen is bare? No, you go out and get some food. Wives do have the power to keep their otherwise good husbands from falling to temptation. If the guy is messed up, he's going to cheat regardless. And he may marry a Kennedy.
Indirectly, "disobedient wives are the cause for upheaval in this world" because men are not happy at home and their minds and souls are disturbed, she said.
I would never go that far.
Some of the upheaval in this world, after all, is caused by women being catty towards each other.
Okay, so I kid. But women really do have more power than men, especially when men choose not to control everything through brute strength. That is because men will only do what we can get away with and still get women to have sex with us and make us dinner.
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Part-Time Sister Wife?
NEEDS A BREAK IN PHOENIX wrote in to Dear Abby:
Sounds like life.
"Expects"?
Then quit your job. Marital lovemaking isn't supposed to be a chore. Be happy your husband, who is younger, still wants your 53-year-old body. This is yet another example of why some men avoid marriage.
Mavis could be having sex if she wants. She could be doing so with a new husband, or fornicating with a steady or different guys. It is her choice, really, although she's not going to have the best men to choose from. Maybe that is why she is trying to horn in on your man. Don't compound the problem by inviting her to commit adultery with your husband.
Don't. Either he'll like the idea, or be profoundly hurt or disgusted. Neither would be a good reaction.
Have you called the folks at TLC? They could film all of this. I'd recommend MTV, but you're over 25.
Dear Abby, who has no problem endorsing fornication as long as adultery isn't involved, gets all judgmental:
So? Sounds like she's not so happy in it and is breaking or wants to break the vows anyway. If she had instead written to you and said the truth another way – that she is unhappy with her husband and sexually incompatible, wouldn't you tell her to leave him anyway?
From what I understand, Franklin would know. Actually, given the wife's attitude and Mavis' "hunger", it would be easy for the husband to find Mavis to be a much better lover regardless of how she looks.
She didn't offer a solution. Sex isn't supposed to be a chore. How about dropping down to part-time work? Or hiring domestic help? Her husband probably does things around the house, too – notice she doesn't say he doesn’t lift a finger around the house. But he's not too tired for sex. Something tells me she wouldn't be too tired for sex with George Clooney.
Doesn't sound like they have minor children in the mix. Imagine if they did. That's the reality of so many married couples theses days. Both have full work schedules and they have minor children. Why? Often because women have been told they must have careers outside the home, and they wouldn't respect their husbands if their husbands didn’t also have careers. Or because people think they need bigger homes, more cars, more vacations, more toys. Or they are trying to save up to fork over money to some increasingly expensive and ever-worsening institutions of indoctrination, er, uh, higher learning.
Anyway, back to the idea of having another woman do some of the "heavy lifting". Be honest, ladies, if nobody else would find out and there wasn't a religious issue, do you think you'd consider something like this? Or maybe you'd be the one who'd want someone else (male or female) in addition to your hubby. Men can be deeply in love with and attracted to their wives, and still find other women strongly attractive. Given male sexual nature, I think most men would take on another woman if there wasn't a religious issue and if the wife would be agreeable. We have plenty of examples of men who do this even with the religious prohibition and even though it hurts their wives deeply.
I'm 53, work in an office six to eight hours a day, and then come home to cook dinner and do household chores.
Sounds like life.
My husband, "Todd," is 48. He works eight to 10 hours a day and expects sex three to four times a week.
"Expects"?
I'm exhausted and can't do it anymore!
Then quit your job. Marital lovemaking isn't supposed to be a chore. Be happy your husband, who is younger, still wants your 53-year-old body. This is yet another example of why some men avoid marriage.
My best friend, "Mavis," has been a widow for five years. She tells me she's going crazy because she hasn't had sex in all this time. She asked if I'd share Todd just one night a week.
Mavis could be having sex if she wants. She could be doing so with a new husband, or fornicating with a steady or different guys. It is her choice, really, although she's not going to have the best men to choose from. Maybe that is why she is trying to horn in on your man. Don't compound the problem by inviting her to commit adultery with your husband.
Mavis isn't pretty, but she has a very shapely figure. Frankly, I'm ready to agree, but I haven't mentioned it to Todd.
Don't. Either he'll like the idea, or be profoundly hurt or disgusted. Neither would be a good reaction.
If my husband agrees, it would take a lot of pressure off me and I could sure use the rest. What are your thoughts on this arrangement?
Have you called the folks at TLC? They could film all of this. I'd recommend MTV, but you're over 25.
Dear Abby, who has no problem endorsing fornication as long as adultery isn't involved, gets all judgmental:
Please find another way to take a break. What you're contemplating would likely be the beginning of the end of your marriage.
So? Sounds like she's not so happy in it and is breaking or wants to break the vows anyway. If she had instead written to you and said the truth another way – that she is unhappy with her husband and sexually incompatible, wouldn't you tell her to leave him anyway?
You may think you'd be "safe" because Mavis isn't pretty, but to quote Benjamin Franklin, "In the dark, all cats are gray."
From what I understand, Franklin would know. Actually, given the wife's attitude and Mavis' "hunger", it would be easy for the husband to find Mavis to be a much better lover regardless of how she looks.
If you're tired, let Mavis help with the chores -- but not this one.
She didn't offer a solution. Sex isn't supposed to be a chore. How about dropping down to part-time work? Or hiring domestic help? Her husband probably does things around the house, too – notice she doesn't say he doesn’t lift a finger around the house. But he's not too tired for sex. Something tells me she wouldn't be too tired for sex with George Clooney.
Doesn't sound like they have minor children in the mix. Imagine if they did. That's the reality of so many married couples theses days. Both have full work schedules and they have minor children. Why? Often because women have been told they must have careers outside the home, and they wouldn't respect their husbands if their husbands didn’t also have careers. Or because people think they need bigger homes, more cars, more vacations, more toys. Or they are trying to save up to fork over money to some increasingly expensive and ever-worsening institutions of indoctrination, er, uh, higher learning.
Anyway, back to the idea of having another woman do some of the "heavy lifting". Be honest, ladies, if nobody else would find out and there wasn't a religious issue, do you think you'd consider something like this? Or maybe you'd be the one who'd want someone else (male or female) in addition to your hubby. Men can be deeply in love with and attracted to their wives, and still find other women strongly attractive. Given male sexual nature, I think most men would take on another woman if there wasn't a religious issue and if the wife would be agreeable. We have plenty of examples of men who do this even with the religious prohibition and even though it hurts their wives deeply.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
He Changed the Rules
I continue to listen to Dr. Laura as a Family Plus Member, which allows me to download podcasts of all three hours of her show (which runs Monday-Friday). It is the only paid podcast subscription I have. On Thursday, May 26th, her third hour pretty much began with "Jennifer". Jennifer said she and her husband agreed when they married that she would be a "stay at home mom" to their children. But now that she's out on maternity leave and has told him she still wants to be a SAHM more than she wants to return to her job, he has responded by saying he "didn't marry a housewife" and asking why she bothered to get a degree.
Before calling, she had even already done what Dr. Laura usually suggests in this situation, which is for her to come up with a workable budget and present it to him to prove that it is possible for them to live on his income. He rejected it, because he wants a more expensive lifestyle.
It is an incredibly sad situation.
Jennifer's husband is and example of someone Dr. Laura will say is not a "real man". Chastity "Chaz" Bono is not a real man. Just about anyone with an "XY" chromosomal makeup is a real man. They can be lousy men, or evil men, but they are still men. Notice we never hear the phrase "real woman". But Dr. Laura is allowed to talk like this in my book because she doesn't insist on radical egalitarianism. I often write about "guys" when I want to distinguish some men from more mature men. But I've digressed.
Anyway, this is one reason that I, unlike Dr. Laura and so many others, favor prenuptial agreements even in first marriages, even when neither person has much in terms of personal wealth. I'd like to see each couple getting married have to swear under penalty of perjury that they have discussed this issue and what their agreement is, and I'd like to see the laws and courts back it up. If Jennifer's husband truly stated that he agreed that she should be a SAHM, she should have been able to get that in writing, and if he refuses now, he should be required to pay her enough in child support and alimony that she can be a SAHM with or without him. Likewise, if a woman agreed she was going to be a SAHM and then refuses, the husband should be allowed to be a SAHF and to get enough from her that he can. Or, switch the sexes. That should all be enforceable via prenup.
Perhaps Jennifer's husband wouldn't have married her in the first place if he had to sit down and sign a legally binding agreement about all of this. Or, maybe he would have married her and bitten the bullet now, instead of trying to change the rules.
When the woman who is now my wife brought up the subject early on in our dating, I firmly said that strangers would not be raising my children. I also added that how that works out is open to discussion. All she ever wanted was to work in her chosen career field (which she was doing at the time), be a wife, and then be a SAHM. So neither of us had a problem with me being the income earner and her being the primary caretaker. She now says she has the life she's always wanted, and I'm glad for that.
Would it be nice to have more money? Yes, it would. And I'm sure Uncle Sam and the State of California would both love the extra income tax. But I'd rather my children have their mother as much as possible.
I guess that would make me a real man in Dr. Laura's vocabulary. But I care more about the respect and thanks I get from my wife.
Before calling, she had even already done what Dr. Laura usually suggests in this situation, which is for her to come up with a workable budget and present it to him to prove that it is possible for them to live on his income. He rejected it, because he wants a more expensive lifestyle.
It is an incredibly sad situation.
Jennifer's husband is and example of someone Dr. Laura will say is not a "real man". Chastity "Chaz" Bono is not a real man. Just about anyone with an "XY" chromosomal makeup is a real man. They can be lousy men, or evil men, but they are still men. Notice we never hear the phrase "real woman". But Dr. Laura is allowed to talk like this in my book because she doesn't insist on radical egalitarianism. I often write about "guys" when I want to distinguish some men from more mature men. But I've digressed.
Anyway, this is one reason that I, unlike Dr. Laura and so many others, favor prenuptial agreements even in first marriages, even when neither person has much in terms of personal wealth. I'd like to see each couple getting married have to swear under penalty of perjury that they have discussed this issue and what their agreement is, and I'd like to see the laws and courts back it up. If Jennifer's husband truly stated that he agreed that she should be a SAHM, she should have been able to get that in writing, and if he refuses now, he should be required to pay her enough in child support and alimony that she can be a SAHM with or without him. Likewise, if a woman agreed she was going to be a SAHM and then refuses, the husband should be allowed to be a SAHF and to get enough from her that he can. Or, switch the sexes. That should all be enforceable via prenup.
Perhaps Jennifer's husband wouldn't have married her in the first place if he had to sit down and sign a legally binding agreement about all of this. Or, maybe he would have married her and bitten the bullet now, instead of trying to change the rules.
When the woman who is now my wife brought up the subject early on in our dating, I firmly said that strangers would not be raising my children. I also added that how that works out is open to discussion. All she ever wanted was to work in her chosen career field (which she was doing at the time), be a wife, and then be a SAHM. So neither of us had a problem with me being the income earner and her being the primary caretaker. She now says she has the life she's always wanted, and I'm glad for that.
Would it be nice to have more money? Yes, it would. And I'm sure Uncle Sam and the State of California would both love the extra income tax. But I'd rather my children have their mother as much as possible.
I guess that would make me a real man in Dr. Laura's vocabulary. But I care more about the respect and thanks I get from my wife.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Who Says Gays Can’t Get Married?
CONFUSED ON WHAT TO DO wrote in to Dear Abby:
Guys, unless you don’t care about your job, do NOT socialize with your female coworkers. Sexual harassment laws and policies make it too risky. Keep your communication with female coworkers to the bare professional minimum.
So he's thinking he’s getting a new friend, and she was looking for a husband. She should be very thankful that he was honest with her. I've written about, and heard from, women who've discovered after marrying that their husband's homosexual.
So everything is okay, right? Right?
Uh huh. Sure.
If you say so.
So you're deliberately avoiding sex and marriage? Why is that?
I would strongly advise against this, because of your attraction to him. If you weren’t attracted to him, and you didn’t want sex, and you were fundamentally compatible with him in other ways, and you got a pre-nup and didn’t make babies, then it could be okay.
Dear Abby responded:
Good points.
What do YOU think?
I started a relationship with a co-worker.
Guys, unless you don’t care about your job, do NOT socialize with your female coworkers. Sexual harassment laws and policies make it too risky. Keep your communication with female coworkers to the bare professional minimum.
We went out for several months, and I found myself really enjoying his company. The feeling was mutual. After several months I told him I was developing feelings for him, more than just friends. He told me he was gay.
So he's thinking he’s getting a new friend, and she was looking for a husband. She should be very thankful that he was honest with her. I've written about, and heard from, women who've discovered after marrying that their husband's homosexual.
I was shocked, saddened and angry all at the same time, but we went on to develop an even stronger friendship.
So everything is okay, right? Right?
I have fallen in love with him, but I have had counseling and I believe those feelings are in check.
Uh huh. Sure.
We have a special bond that's hard to explain.
If you say so.
For lack of a better term, we have used the words "soul mate" to describe this feeling.
So you're deliberately avoiding sex and marriage? Why is that?
He has even said he would like a lifelong commitment with me and has thought about marrying me.
I would strongly advise against this, because of your attraction to him. If you weren’t attracted to him, and you didn’t want sex, and you were fundamentally compatible with him in other ways, and you got a pre-nup and didn’t make babies, then it could be okay.
Dear Abby responded:
But while you're thinking, consider carefully how important sex is to you. Some, not all, women would be content with what he's offering. But what if you should meet someone? You also need to know whether this man is ready, willing and capable of forgoing a sexual relationship with a man. How would you feel about it if he met someone?
Good points.
What do YOU think?
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The Last Oprah Winfrey Show
Finally, our long national nightmare is over.
I couldn't watch the show. It would lower my testosterone levels.
Where will millions of women now get faulty spiritual guidance?
I couldn't watch the show. It would lower my testosterone levels.
Where will millions of women now get faulty spiritual guidance?
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
She Has It and Flaunts It
How revealing is too revealing? And does it change as an adult gets older? PRIM AND PROPER IN OKLAHOMA wrote in to Dear Abby:
Dear Abby responded:
Anyone think the MIL would take the criticism well, and would change how she dresses as a result?
Any of you know anyone like either of these women... perhaps it is you?
Here's the argument I've heard from some of my fellow religious conservatives (Christian and otherwise). "None of that is appropriate at any age because it causes men to think of women as sex objects or have impure thoughts." I've also heard that some of that is fine for available women, but not for women who are making a commitment. Then there's the reverse - religions in which married women can wear blue jeans, but unmarried women (who are all supposedly virgins... which often means they only have sex with guys outside of the family religion/social circle) can't wear jeans, but instead wear really long skirts. And learn how to walk in short strides.
What say you? Back in my bachelor days I wouild insert some joke here about sending me a picture if you're not sure what is appropriate so that I could tell you one way or the other.
My mother-in-law, "Kay" -- who is in her 50s -- dresses like she's in her teens or 20s.What does that mean, exactly? Well, read on.
Don't get me wrong, she looks great. She exercises several hours a day to keep in shape and follows a strict diet.So... bikinis, short skirts, and spaghetti-straps are okay for teens? But not for a woman in her 50s?
Kay wears spaghetti-strap shirts and short skirts in the summer, and bikinis to sunbathe. I understand that she wants to show off her body, but is there a way to direct her to more age-appropriate clothing?
Dear Abby responded:
You are well-intentioned, but if you are wise, you will refrain from giving your mother-in-law any unasked-for fashion advice.That's for sure. I'm not so sure about the well-intentioned bit, though. She could just be jealous. A lot of women can't stand it when another women draws attention while in their presence.
Anyone think the MIL would take the criticism well, and would change how she dresses as a result?
Any of you know anyone like either of these women... perhaps it is you?
Here's the argument I've heard from some of my fellow religious conservatives (Christian and otherwise). "None of that is appropriate at any age because it causes men to think of women as sex objects or have impure thoughts." I've also heard that some of that is fine for available women, but not for women who are making a commitment. Then there's the reverse - religions in which married women can wear blue jeans, but unmarried women (who are all supposedly virgins... which often means they only have sex with guys outside of the family religion/social circle) can't wear jeans, but instead wear really long skirts. And learn how to walk in short strides.
What say you? Back in my bachelor days I wouild insert some joke here about sending me a picture if you're not sure what is appropriate so that I could tell you one way or the other.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
A Reminder: Don't Donate Sperm
For various reasons, I say men should not donate sperm. In no particular order, here are some reasons why:
1. If someone wants to raise a child, they can adopt. If someone wants the experience of pregnancy, they can adopt a very young child ("extra" frozen embryo).
2. If donating to someone you know, you’re going to feel some sort of "ownership" of that child, which will cause parenting conflicts.
3. Human life should not be treated like a commodity.
4. You should have more influence over and responsibility for someone created with your generic material. You know what it is like to grow up with your genes already.
5. If you bump into your offspring or your offspring bump into each other many years down the line, there is no small chance there will be an intense physical attraction of the sexual sort. Pregnancies can result long before the biological relation is known.
6. Your sperm may be used to make human beings for the purpose of killing them.
7. In man cases, donated sperm is used to condemn a child to a fatherless life, either to be raise by a woman who doesn't have enough time or social skills to do it the natural way, or two women (or perhaps four or more, should the original two split up) – none of these people recognizing the importance of fathers, and perhaps men in general.
8. You may end up on the hook for child support. Yes, it has happened.
9. Resulting children could show up later to wreak havoc in your life.
There's more corroboration of points 5, 8, and 9 in this recent article.
My sister-in-law has donated scores of eggs in multiple sessions. She's done doing that due to newly found moral reasons (thankfully). But what complications will she have down the line as a result? Will she, her future children, or my own kids bump into her kids? How many embryos (human beings) were created only to be destroyed or later selectively aborted (murdered)?
1. If someone wants to raise a child, they can adopt. If someone wants the experience of pregnancy, they can adopt a very young child ("extra" frozen embryo).
2. If donating to someone you know, you’re going to feel some sort of "ownership" of that child, which will cause parenting conflicts.
3. Human life should not be treated like a commodity.
4. You should have more influence over and responsibility for someone created with your generic material. You know what it is like to grow up with your genes already.
5. If you bump into your offspring or your offspring bump into each other many years down the line, there is no small chance there will be an intense physical attraction of the sexual sort. Pregnancies can result long before the biological relation is known.
6. Your sperm may be used to make human beings for the purpose of killing them.
7. In man cases, donated sperm is used to condemn a child to a fatherless life, either to be raise by a woman who doesn't have enough time or social skills to do it the natural way, or two women (or perhaps four or more, should the original two split up) – none of these people recognizing the importance of fathers, and perhaps men in general.
8. You may end up on the hook for child support. Yes, it has happened.
9. Resulting children could show up later to wreak havoc in your life.
There's more corroboration of points 5, 8, and 9 in this recent article.
Donor anonymity is given to encourage men to make donations, says Arthur Caplan, director of the Center for Bioethics at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. Sperm banks fear potential donors will get cold feet if they think they may be held financially or legally responsible for the children they help produce, he says. But donors need to understand that "anonymity cannot be enforced," Caplan adds. "When children, for emotional or health reasons, want to find their 'biological' parents, records are unsealed and they do." Kids trump parents, Caplan concludes, and their need to know is more important: "Courts will go this way, as they do in adoption."Guys, don't do it. Just say no.
My sister-in-law has donated scores of eggs in multiple sessions. She's done doing that due to newly found moral reasons (thankfully). But what complications will she have down the line as a result? Will she, her future children, or my own kids bump into her kids? How many embryos (human beings) were created only to be destroyed or later selectively aborted (murdered)?
Monday, May 16, 2011
Another Closeted Hubby
Painful. I've written about this before, and got a comment from a woman who was put into a similar position. HELPLESS IN MIAMI wrote in to Dear Abby:
Dear Abby's response indicates she also considers him bisexual. She also refers the woman to a group dealing with this issue.
I would completely understand it if she remains upset and wants to get as far away from him as possible. Consider if he was straight, and seeing other women on the side. But he obviously prefers men enough to go behind her back, and it has to hurt that the man she thought desired her didn't, or at least not as much as she thought. I think the law should be such that he should get punished in a divorce. He built a life with her under false pretenses, cheating on her along the way. She should not have to suffer much loss of her lifestyle, from a material perspective. Not sure about the laws in Florida, but in California it wouldn't matter. He'd be able to take half, as though this was an equal deal all along.
I recently learned that my husband of 35 years is gay.That’s an awful long time. How often did you have sex? Perhaps he's bisexual? I just know that I could not fake it with a man for 35 years, because I'm straight. And that would become apparently rather quickly. Women can "fake it" much easier than men.
I never suspected and I am stunned.There are a lot of reasons for this, not the least of which is that back when you married, there was more pressure for gays to be closeted.
We have three children and eight grandchildren who all adore him.Okay.
I learned his secret from an email he left on the computer screen.Well, it could have been worse. You could have walked in on him with another man, or someone else could have.
It took a few days, but I confronted him and he told me everything.That must have been a load off for him, but quite painful for you.
He has been with men since before our marriage.Pressure or not, he should never have married you. On the other hand, consider your children and grandchildren that resulted.
He assured me he has never done anything that could have caused me to get a disease. I went for an examination and I'm fine.Well, that's good.
I'm lost about what my next step should be. I'm in my late 50s. Starting over isn't something I ever considered… I have no interest in having sex with my husband again, but being apart from him terrifies me.Do you care about having sex with anyone again? If not, why not stay put and be friends and roommates, if you can be friends with someone who kept such a big thing secret from you all of those years. He'll always be the father of your children, after all.
I feel like I'm in prison.How so, exactly? If you do want sex and romantic love, then yes, get out. But if not, and if you otherwise enjoy his company, you might want to stay.
Dear Abby's response indicates she also considers him bisexual. She also refers the woman to a group dealing with this issue.
I would completely understand it if she remains upset and wants to get as far away from him as possible. Consider if he was straight, and seeing other women on the side. But he obviously prefers men enough to go behind her back, and it has to hurt that the man she thought desired her didn't, or at least not as much as she thought. I think the law should be such that he should get punished in a divorce. He built a life with her under false pretenses, cheating on her along the way. She should not have to suffer much loss of her lifestyle, from a material perspective. Not sure about the laws in Florida, but in California it wouldn't matter. He'd be able to take half, as though this was an equal deal all along.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Why, Paul? Why???
Poor Paul McCartney. He apparently had a long, happy marriage to Linda, and then she got sick and died. That had be a horrible thing to go through. Understandably, Paul got married again, probably expecting a long, happy marriage again.
But he ended up having to pay some ridiculous amount of money when the married ended. You'd think a guy who has had to pay out so much money would be "shy" on marrying again. Apparently not.
Oh well. It is his money to throw away if he wants to.
But he ended up having to pay some ridiculous amount of money when the married ended. You'd think a guy who has had to pay out so much money would be "shy" on marrying again. Apparently not.
Oh well. It is his money to throw away if he wants to.
Friday, May 06, 2011
It Shouldn't Be a Chore
Andrea, who really has quite a great blog, has this great recent entry calling on the Christian wife to be her husband's lover.
Thursday, May 05, 2011
Many Flags Waving in the Wind
It seems rather simple to me. “Stuck” wrote in to Dear Margo:
Dear Margo responded:
She should find someone more compatible with her who is prepared to get married.
I've been dating a wonderful man for nine months. We enjoy a variety of activities and generally have a lot of fun together. However, as I approach my 31st birthday, I find myself thinking in terms of the big picture.Tick-tock.
I've always thought I would like to have children, but I would prefer not to have them close to my 40s. Although my boyfriend has never specifically stated that he does or does not want children,Strike one.
we have some differences - approaches to managing money, for one,Strike two.
and I like to travel, while he does not.Strike three! He's OUT! (Actually, here's a likely translation of this "Woman" into English: "I like men to pay for me to take vacations. He's not falling for it.")
To date, he has not been able to say the "L" word, and from what I understand, this may be a lingering effect of his past relationship.It's only been nine months. That isn't too long for him to wait, though you’ve probably been having sex for what, eight months?
I'm not sure what to do.Date other men. Only see this guy if you have nobody more compatible to see and nothing else to do.
I feel ready to start thinking about settling down and having children in the near future, but I have no idea whether my boyfriend will be at that point anytime soon.Don't bet on it.
Should I "go with the flow" for now and enjoy what we have, or discuss my thoughts?Go with the flow if you value sex with him more than you value getting married, having kids, and traveling. Although travelling will likely be reduced if you have kids, at least until they are older, because it is such a gigantic pain in the behind to travel with young kids.
Dear Margo responded:
Why don't you ask him what his thoughts are?Waste of time. If he really wanted kids, he would have brought up the subject already. Don't give her hope that talking about it is really going to change him. At "best" he'll agree to whatever she wants because he likes her company and doesn't want to go through the trouble of finding another woman who will have sex with him (even though it really isn't much trouble at all). Then, she'll get pregnant and he'll make her life miserable or he'll leave.
She should find someone more compatible with her who is prepared to get married.
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
I Didn't Get Married To Have More Bills
My wife's New Years resolution I wrote about here didn't last long. She actually reminded me of it the other day, remarking that she had let it disappear. I'd forgotten. How bad is that?
Why are things like this? In my wayward youth, every date or evening with my girlfriend of any given moment would involve sex (one we were into the relationship, that is). This was 3-4 times per week. Here I am, a married man, and we're making love a dismal once a week and maybe, maybe she throws in mercy oral once between lovemaking sessions.
It is possible, that, despite how passionate she was when we were dating (and deliberately restricting our physical affection), she simply has a low libido.
It could be her medication, which can reduce libido. But she was taking that when we were dating and she displayed a lot more passion then.
If I wanted to get really cynical, I could say it was the wedding cake and the kids. She has what she wants. She doesn't want any more kids because she doesn't think she can take care of more. An orgasm is not enough of a motivator to make love more often, apparently, and my desire for lovemaking isn't as important in her eyes as my need for sleep.
By the time everything is taken care of on any given day, it is clear I'm not going to be getting enough sleep, so she urges me to simply go to sleep, as making love would deprive me of some of the precious little sleep I'll be getting, and if she allows me to bring her or orgasm, she'll not be able to get to sleep until later than she would otherwise.
I could force the issue, of course, but that kind of defeats the purpose. I don't want a hostage in bed, or to feel I am inconveniencing the woman I am supposed to cherish. I want a passionate and enthusiastic partner.
As much as I stress that fornication is wrong, I can cite some good things about that part of my past. One of those things is that I know I'm not a horrible lover. If I didn't have that experience, I would be rather insecure and down on myself. I would be convinced that I must be a horrible lover and thus a failure as a husband, and nothing she could say would be able to change that, because the proof I'd have would be in the action (or lack of it) and attitude I have already experienced with her. And when she indicates lovemaking is no big deal for her, the message is received, as it is with any husband who hears such a thing, that is isn't a big deal to make love with me.
I didn't have to fool or manipulate those past lovers into having sex with me. If anything, my past lovers were the aggressors. Such is the state of the "gentler" sex these days. I never felt like I was keeping them from something else they wanted to do, or otherwise inconveniencing them, or making them do a chore. Of course, none of those women were right for me, and I didn't marry any of them. I married my wife. My wife takes care of our kids. My wife is a grandmaster coupon shopper. My wife makes dinner. My wife does laundry and washes the dishes. She does a lot for our family, and it isn't like I’m forgetting all of that. But I do want to make her lose control, to lose herself in the moment more often. I want her to enjoy herself and enjoy my affection.
So what is the answer? Turn up the romance, right? But there's only so much we can do to increase that in our lives right now. In fact, we've recently been managing to get a limited date night once a week (which is an improvement), but the circumstances mean... surprise... even less sleep, and that's not because of lovemaking. If anything, these date nights are less conducive to lovemaking than other nights.
At this rate, if she ever does get an fire lit down below, I might be so over it I'll need a little blue pill to have sex with her rather than masturbate.
See: Married Men Get More Sex
Why are things like this? In my wayward youth, every date or evening with my girlfriend of any given moment would involve sex (one we were into the relationship, that is). This was 3-4 times per week. Here I am, a married man, and we're making love a dismal once a week and maybe, maybe she throws in mercy oral once between lovemaking sessions.
It is possible, that, despite how passionate she was when we were dating (and deliberately restricting our physical affection), she simply has a low libido.
It could be her medication, which can reduce libido. But she was taking that when we were dating and she displayed a lot more passion then.
If I wanted to get really cynical, I could say it was the wedding cake and the kids. She has what she wants. She doesn't want any more kids because she doesn't think she can take care of more. An orgasm is not enough of a motivator to make love more often, apparently, and my desire for lovemaking isn't as important in her eyes as my need for sleep.
By the time everything is taken care of on any given day, it is clear I'm not going to be getting enough sleep, so she urges me to simply go to sleep, as making love would deprive me of some of the precious little sleep I'll be getting, and if she allows me to bring her or orgasm, she'll not be able to get to sleep until later than she would otherwise.
I could force the issue, of course, but that kind of defeats the purpose. I don't want a hostage in bed, or to feel I am inconveniencing the woman I am supposed to cherish. I want a passionate and enthusiastic partner.
As much as I stress that fornication is wrong, I can cite some good things about that part of my past. One of those things is that I know I'm not a horrible lover. If I didn't have that experience, I would be rather insecure and down on myself. I would be convinced that I must be a horrible lover and thus a failure as a husband, and nothing she could say would be able to change that, because the proof I'd have would be in the action (or lack of it) and attitude I have already experienced with her. And when she indicates lovemaking is no big deal for her, the message is received, as it is with any husband who hears such a thing, that is isn't a big deal to make love with me.
I didn't have to fool or manipulate those past lovers into having sex with me. If anything, my past lovers were the aggressors. Such is the state of the "gentler" sex these days. I never felt like I was keeping them from something else they wanted to do, or otherwise inconveniencing them, or making them do a chore. Of course, none of those women were right for me, and I didn't marry any of them. I married my wife. My wife takes care of our kids. My wife is a grandmaster coupon shopper. My wife makes dinner. My wife does laundry and washes the dishes. She does a lot for our family, and it isn't like I’m forgetting all of that. But I do want to make her lose control, to lose herself in the moment more often. I want her to enjoy herself and enjoy my affection.
So what is the answer? Turn up the romance, right? But there's only so much we can do to increase that in our lives right now. In fact, we've recently been managing to get a limited date night once a week (which is an improvement), but the circumstances mean... surprise... even less sleep, and that's not because of lovemaking. If anything, these date nights are less conducive to lovemaking than other nights.
At this rate, if she ever does get an fire lit down below, I might be so over it I'll need a little blue pill to have sex with her rather than masturbate.
See: Married Men Get More Sex
Monday, May 02, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
An Unmarried Woman
SINGLE IN DIXIE wrote in to Dear Abby:
I wonder how many great men passed you by because you were embroiled in disasters with bad boys?
Once you do have that figured out, don't be unrealistic in your standards. By no means should you put up with lousy treatment or anything like that. But if you're only going to consider, say, high-earning professionals around your age... the unmarried ones either don't want to be married or can attract younger, hotter women.
Dear Abby tries to convince her it isn't so bad:
Here's what I’ll add:
First of all, you've made it this far in life. Yes, you are lonely, but ask yourself if you are really willing to trade some of your established ways and autonomy for romantic partnership, and make sure that you're not just feeling left out because of your friends being married. If you really do want a romantic partner, read on...
Honestly assess yourself. "Average" these days means "overweight". If you are more than ten or fifteen pounds overweight, shedding the fat will give you an advantage. Also, see if there is something else to do to improve your appearance. Is it time for a new hairdo? Time to change the wardrobe and makeup use?
Some women give off a "do not touch" vibe. You are probably giving off a "desperation" vibe. Neither one is helpful. Do you know how to flirt? Do you carry yourself in a way that makes you approachable? Do you put yourself in places where eligible men are likely to be?
Career women sometimes give off a vibe that they need to always be in control. A lot of men don't want that in their personal life. Also, most women marry men who earn more than they do. Have you considered men who earn about the same or less than you? There may be very romantic men who are right for you who earn less and you should consider them because you don't need a man to support you.
In addition to considering a man who earns less, you should also consider older men or younger men. You said you're looking for romance. A middle-aged woman can certainly have romance with a younger man or an older man. If you were younger and looking to start a family, I'd recommend a man about your age or slightly older, but that's not your situation.
You didn’t menion a hobby. Maybe you should get involved in a hobby, activity, or cause where you are likely to find elible men who are compatible with you. There are such men out there who have the same ache you do.
Go do something about it!
I am an average-looking, middle-aged woman. I have many friends and a career I love.So far, so good.
What I do not have is a partner.Some people are happy like that. Not her.
It breaks my heart. I feel excluded from an important part of life -- romantic love.She wasn't always excluded, as she writes...
I have had relationships with men. All of them were disasters.All? Why? Are you bad a picking men, or bad at treating men? If it is the former, find out why you are bad at picking men, or you are likely to keep picking bad men.
I wonder how many great men passed you by because you were embroiled in disasters with bad boys?
Once you do have that figured out, don't be unrealistic in your standards. By no means should you put up with lousy treatment or anything like that. But if you're only going to consider, say, high-earning professionals around your age... the unmarried ones either don't want to be married or can attract younger, hotter women.
At the age I am now, there seems to be little or no hope of finding anyone.I'm not going to lie. It is difficult for an "average-looking, middle-aged woman". This is why so many women "pin the tail" on the groom before they get to that point, with mixed results.
Most of my friends are married or in committed relationships, and I feel like an outsider.That could be part of the problem – you’re hanging out with married people. They're already married.
I am involved in my church and my career, and to all outward appearances, I look happy and successful.Is your church the kind that tends to drive away unmarried men? That could be another problem.
But, Abby, inside I am terrified that I'll be alone forever.See, as unromantic as it sounds, I could have been happy being unmarried. I was happy being unmarried. But I understand that other people are different.
Sometimes I wonder how I will survive this life.I suggest saving, investing, insuring, and networking. And not getting a lot of cats.
Dear Abby tries to convince her it isn't so bad:
There are worse things than being alone.There are worse things than just about everything.
Chief among them is being stuck in a relationship (formal or otherwise) with someone who isn't right for you.This is true.
If you are spending most of your time with couples, perhaps you should arrange to spend more time with other singles.Yes.
Expand your circle. Travel, if you can afford it. It will make you a less depressed, more interesting person to be around.Yes, yes.
Here's what I’ll add:
First of all, you've made it this far in life. Yes, you are lonely, but ask yourself if you are really willing to trade some of your established ways and autonomy for romantic partnership, and make sure that you're not just feeling left out because of your friends being married. If you really do want a romantic partner, read on...
Honestly assess yourself. "Average" these days means "overweight". If you are more than ten or fifteen pounds overweight, shedding the fat will give you an advantage. Also, see if there is something else to do to improve your appearance. Is it time for a new hairdo? Time to change the wardrobe and makeup use?
Some women give off a "do not touch" vibe. You are probably giving off a "desperation" vibe. Neither one is helpful. Do you know how to flirt? Do you carry yourself in a way that makes you approachable? Do you put yourself in places where eligible men are likely to be?
Career women sometimes give off a vibe that they need to always be in control. A lot of men don't want that in their personal life. Also, most women marry men who earn more than they do. Have you considered men who earn about the same or less than you? There may be very romantic men who are right for you who earn less and you should consider them because you don't need a man to support you.
In addition to considering a man who earns less, you should also consider older men or younger men. You said you're looking for romance. A middle-aged woman can certainly have romance with a younger man or an older man. If you were younger and looking to start a family, I'd recommend a man about your age or slightly older, but that's not your situation.
You didn’t menion a hobby. Maybe you should get involved in a hobby, activity, or cause where you are likely to find elible men who are compatible with you. There are such men out there who have the same ache you do.
Go do something about it!
Monday, April 25, 2011
He Wasn’t A Husband
TRICKED IN RICHMOND, VA wrote in to Dear Abby:
Dear Abby responded:
I was in a long-term relationship with a man who died recently.My sympathies on the loss.
After his death I found out he had other girlfriends while he was with me.Had he taken a vow of monogamy?
It turns out he was a con man who used women.How so, exactly? I am baffled most of the time when the word "used" is thrown around in situations like these. For example, a man pays a woman's way for an night out on the town. They both enjoy it. They have sex. They both enjoy that. Somehow, that is "using" her. How is she being used? Isn't he being used? after all, he's paying money for a date they both enjoy.
I am stunned, sad, hurt, angry and feel like a fool.Why? He wasn’t your husband. Point me to the codified moral system he was living under that says it is okay to fornicate, but only with one woman over a given length of time. She doesn't even say he lied to her. He probably did, I would imagine. That would make him a liar. But he was already a fornicator. He didn't become one by fornicating with more than one woman.
When people who knew us as a couple see me, they ask about him. When I say he died, they respond by offering condolences over "my loss."Well, yeah. That's normal human behavior.
Should I thank them for their kindness and leave it at that, or should I tell them the truth about him so they won't waste time feeling bad about his demise?Thank them. Nobody wants to hear it. When you die, do you want people to say you aren't worth mourning because you did some things they didn't like?
Dear Abby responded:
If it will make you feel better to vent, do it. However, if rehashing the unhappy details would make you feel worse, keep them to yourself.Nothing about... if you want monogamy, at least get and make a vow of monogamy?
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Prom Time Again
Every year now, I take notice of this ritual, which has become another day, along with "Sweet Sixteen" (or other birthdays for certain cultures, at 13, 15, etc.) and wedding days that are all about feeding the narcissism and sense of entitlement of attention whores and attention whores-in-training.
Refer back to my "Beware the Prom", and this look at a Dear Abby column, and this look at a different Dear Abby column.
Refer back to my "Beware the Prom", and this look at a Dear Abby column, and this look at a different Dear Abby column.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Getting Longer
This is one of those posts I figure is best offer a warning about. I'm talking about recent news about "male enhancement". Click through if you want to read about it.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Mangum's Alleged Victim Dies
According to this article, Durham police confirmed that Reginald Daye, 46, has died.
Don't shack up and don't ever pay her bills, and this won't be an issue.
Crazy chicks are fun in bed, but it isn't fun when they falsely accuse you of rape, drive your children into the Hudson, cut off your penis, or stab you to death. On the other side of the coin, bad boys are a lot of fun, until they beat your or kill you. Choose wisely.
A man who said he was Daye's nephew called 911 to report the stabbing, saying it occurred while Daye and his girlfriend were arguing about rent money.
Don't shack up and don't ever pay her bills, and this won't be an issue.
In March 2006, Mangum claimed three white players on the Duke lacrosse team trapped her inside a bathroom at 610 N. Buchanan Blvd., where she was performing as a stripper at a team party, and raped and sexually assaulted her.
Her story about the incident was so inconsistent that state officials later declared the players innocent, saying there was no credible evidence against them.
Former Durham County District Attorney Mike Nifong was later disbarred for withholding DNA evidence from defense attorneys in the case.
The three lacrosse players and some of their former teammates are suing Nifong and a police investigator, claiming their rights were violated during the case.
Crazy chicks are fun in bed, but it isn't fun when they falsely accuse you of rape, drive your children into the Hudson, cut off your penis, or stab you to death. On the other side of the coin, bad boys are a lot of fun, until they beat your or kill you. Choose wisely.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
It's Because I'm Fat, Isn't It
Somehow, it got to be a huge (pun intended) story that American Idol has been accused of weight bias by a teenager who was in the audience. Mind you, this is a show that has featured fat contestants.
From reading this Associated Press article from Lynn Elber, there doesn't seem to be any corroborating evidence to back the claim of 19-year-old Ashley Kauffman of Riverside, California of being told she was too fat to sit in the front row. Even one of the others in her group is quoted as saying nobody else in the group heard Idol staff telling her that.
To me, Kauffman's claims are highly doubtful. Who tells an audience member, someone the staffer wants to be cheerful and enthusiastic on camera, that she's fat?
But let's assume for the sake of discussion that someone actually said to her, "You’re too fat to sit in the front row."
This is a television show we're talking about. It isn't a public school, or a city council meeting. It is their show, they should be able to set the rules and arrange their audience the way that works best for them.
It doesn't matter how many Americans get overweight or obese. It isn't attractive to most people, and it isn't what most people want to see on TV. I write this as someone who has been fat. But reading through the article and actually watching the show, I find it hard to believe the claim.
What does a witness say?
Exactly. Move on.
So while the headline of the story is attention-grabbing, the article itself appears to debunk the claim.
If you're fat, do something about it other than being overly sensitive. Your life will be better if you get fit. I'm not talking about being ten pounds overweight (which can acually look good, depending). I'm talking about really being fat. Lose the weight, and things will be better.
From reading this Associated Press article from Lynn Elber, there doesn't seem to be any corroborating evidence to back the claim of 19-year-old Ashley Kauffman of Riverside, California of being told she was too fat to sit in the front row. Even one of the others in her group is quoted as saying nobody else in the group heard Idol staff telling her that.
To me, Kauffman's claims are highly doubtful. Who tells an audience member, someone the staffer wants to be cheerful and enthusiastic on camera, that she's fat?
But let's assume for the sake of discussion that someone actually said to her, "You’re too fat to sit in the front row."
This is a television show we're talking about. It isn't a public school, or a city council meeting. It is their show, they should be able to set the rules and arrange their audience the way that works best for them.
It doesn't matter how many Americans get overweight or obese. It isn't attractive to most people, and it isn't what most people want to see on TV. I write this as someone who has been fat. But reading through the article and actually watching the show, I find it hard to believe the claim.
According to a FremantleMedia statement, Kauffman and five other friends were among the first to arrive for the show and were told that there were "six great seats" available, three in one row and three in another.Okay…
The group agreed to split up and Kauffman "did not sit alone or in the back of the house" as she alleged, FremantleMedia said. "In fact, she and her remaining party were seated just four rows behind their friends, directly in camera shot, in some of the best seats in the house."
Kauffman was in a row that included a VIP guest of judge Steven Tyler, Westphal said. They were a few rows behind the judge's table in a spot that has been featured on camera before, he said.
What does a witness say?
Hannah Solarzano, 19, said Tuesday that she was part of Kauffman's group, which traveled from suburban Riverside to Los Angeles for the show but hadn't met her before that night. Solarzano said she was seated next to Kauffman and didn't hear any insults being directed at her.
"Nobody started talking about the comment that was supposedly made to Ashley until she brought it up," Solarzano said. "I never heard those words except from her."
While she couldn't support her account, Solarzano said, it obviously stings to be labeled as overweight.
"You don't call a girl `fat,' ever. It's code," Solarzano said. "I understand how upsetting that can be. But, c'mon, honey, it's `American Idol.' You've got to move on from there. Big deal."
Exactly. Move on.
But, like most reality shows, the "Idol" audience and contestants generally have reflected American diversity, including when it comes to size.
An examination of a recording of the episode attended by Kauffman showed that it opened with a sweeping camera shot that included a cross-section of audience members, including some who could be characterized as plus-size.
So while the headline of the story is attention-grabbing, the article itself appears to debunk the claim.
If you're fat, do something about it other than being overly sensitive. Your life will be better if you get fit. I'm not talking about being ten pounds overweight (which can acually look good, depending). I'm talking about really being fat. Lose the weight, and things will be better.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
He Must Like Chaos
I would have loved to have heard this guy call in to Dr. Laura. DEVOTED IN BLOOMINGTON, MINN. wrote in to Dear Abby:
Even Dear Abby responded:
I'm in love with a woman named "Camille" who has three children from three different fathers.What exactly is the appeal? If you’re looking for a wife, this isn’t the right woman. If you’re primarily looking for sex, this isn’t the right woman. If you’re looking to pay to raise the children of other men, go right ahead.
She has never been married.Well, at least she didn’t contribute to the high divorce rate.
She also has a male "friend" whom she has her children calling "Daddy" even though he's not.How many more red flags do you need?!?
I have loved Camille for 20 years, and our paths recently crossed again.Ah, you’re delusional and a masochist. The picture is getting more clear now.
When I first meet her, she had only one child.That was one too many. She should have stopped with one and raised that child, not dealt with a revolving door of desperate men who should have found some other warm place to put it.
Camille says she loves me and wants us to be married, but I'm having a hard time accepting that all of these children's fathers will be part of our life -- as well as the "friend."Well then I guess it isn't going to happen, is it? You haven't mentioned if you've ever been married or have any kids.
Can a psychologist help me get past this?This is beyond psychologist level. Try a psychiatrist (you know, with an "M.D." after their name). Or maybe you need a really good hooker. Better yet, consult an exorcist.
Even Dear Abby responded:
I don't know. But before you take this relationship further, you should definitely see one.Sheesh. Guys like that are the suckers that keep knocking up these never-married mothers. Those poor kids.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
An Unmarried Man – Oh, the Horror!
I recognize that the personal dynamic between a mother and son is a little different than the overall cultural attitude towards unmarried men in general. But the former got me started on the latter in what I wrote below. PROTECTIVE MOM IN OHIO wrote in to Dear Abby:
Dear Abby responded:
I can understand parents wanting their children to marry and give them grandchildren. And situations like this one prompt people who have been married for fifty years to pipe up and talk about how important and great it is. But things have changed a lot in the last fifty years, in the law, in the courts, and in the social scene. Fewer women are willing to be good wives or even have a clue how to be a good wife. Fewer women are willing to raise their own kids, or would respect a husband who stayed home to do so. Even "liberated" career women want to marry a man who earns more than they do; the majority marry men who do.
Then there are the social commentators and others who are in a kind of panic that there are actually men out there who are happy being unmarried. They assert that all of these men are 1) immature; 2) not really happy; 3) neglecting their obligations, and 4) a threat. You see, as long as there is some unmarried woman out there who claims she wants a husband, then it is supposedly some sort of sin that men haven't lined up to legally obligate themselves to her. And unmarried men are a threat because they might have sex with your daughter, your sister, your mother, or your wife! (As if married men never do such things.) They're a threat because they might give miserable married men an example of a life to dream about. And perhaps my favorite is the notion that unmarried men will go out and commit crime because they're unmarried. Everyone knows about the high crime rates around monasteries.
I, on the other hand, being a happily married man, maintain that a man can be unmarried, childless, and still be a responsible, mature man and good citizen. It is of no concern to me if a man is unmarried and childless as long as he's: not committing serious crimes; isn't behaving in a way that puts other, unconsenting people at risk; isn't getting handouts from the government. A man who takes care of his responsibilities is mature.
And let's not ignore the blindingly obvious fact that there are many immature, irresponsible guys who are or have been married and spawned children. It isn't immaturity in men that is causing the bulk of the marriage delay or marriage strike. Rather, immature men are more likely to go ahead and marry the wrong woman or before they are ready to be husbands because they aren't mature enough to avoid making those mistakes when pressured to, or because they are immature and want a maid and cook. If more men were mature, the marriage rates would actually drop more, because more men would hold out for one of the increasingly rare women who are quality wife-and-mother material.
Never-married, childless men who don't have a girlfriend are viewed with suspicion by so many people, including in church, in the workplace, and in politics. But they may actually be the person in the room who is the most responsible and mature.
My son "Marshall" is 36. He's handsome, has a great job, is a wonderful son and would be a tremendous "catch." The problem is Marshall has no interest in marriage or even dating.That he has no interest in marriage isn't abnormal or a problem. As far as dating – he isn't dating that you know about. He could be a Category 2. He could be a Category 4, and you would never know that he's doing women in their apartments and retiring home for a good night's sleep.
He was in a relationship six or seven years ago that ended badly.Most "romantic" relationships do. Very few end with dignity, civility, and both people feeling great about the situation. Very few lead to a lasting, happy marriage.
Since then, he has decided he doesn't want any woman getting close to him. He hasn't been on a date since.He must be saving time and money like crazy! Again, a man doesn't need to go on a date to "get close" to a woman. It's called "booty call". He could also have close platonic female friends, especially since he doesn't have a girlfriend or wife who would demand an end to such a "threat".
Marshall spends his time hunting, fishing and playing/watching sports with his single and divorced friends.Sounds like a great life. Good for him! I'm a married father, and generally happy about that. But have almost no time to enjoy my lifelong hobbies and I get to spend even less time with my friends. (I tend to blog when I have to wait for something and I'm not around my family.)
It doesn't help that the divorced friends tell him he's doing the right thing by staying single, and how they wish they had done the same thing.They are speaking from their experiences. Don’t like it? Talk to your "sisters" about how they treat men.
Every time I raise the subject, he tells me he's happy with his life and doesn't want to change.So what's the problem? Would you rather he be married and miserable? Is he your only child? Become foster parents if you really are so intent on being grandparents.
How do I get through to him? My husband says we should let him do what he wants because it's his life.How do you treat your husband? Are you as annoying to him as you are to your adult son? Perhaps your son doesn't like the marriage model that was provided for him. That thought would hurt, wouldn't it?
But I have trouble accepting that my son wants to stay single the rest of his life.Then go blow money on a therapist. Maybe your son gay; gay in the homosexual sense, or gay in the classic sense in that he likes his life the way it is and sees no reason to sacrifice, compromise, and legally obligate himself to someone else. He could even be one of those rare people who are asexual in the sense of not having a sex drive.
Dear Abby responded:
You come from a generation in which marriage was the norm. However, in the decades since you were married there has been a slow (but steady) erosion in the percentage of Americans who think marriage is important.Actually, the overwhelming number of people do get married.
So trust him, love him, and don't push him. Marriage, when it's a good one, is wonderful. But it is no longer a must, and more and more people are concluding it isn't for everyone.True.
I can understand parents wanting their children to marry and give them grandchildren. And situations like this one prompt people who have been married for fifty years to pipe up and talk about how important and great it is. But things have changed a lot in the last fifty years, in the law, in the courts, and in the social scene. Fewer women are willing to be good wives or even have a clue how to be a good wife. Fewer women are willing to raise their own kids, or would respect a husband who stayed home to do so. Even "liberated" career women want to marry a man who earns more than they do; the majority marry men who do.
Then there are the social commentators and others who are in a kind of panic that there are actually men out there who are happy being unmarried. They assert that all of these men are 1) immature; 2) not really happy; 3) neglecting their obligations, and 4) a threat. You see, as long as there is some unmarried woman out there who claims she wants a husband, then it is supposedly some sort of sin that men haven't lined up to legally obligate themselves to her. And unmarried men are a threat because they might have sex with your daughter, your sister, your mother, or your wife! (As if married men never do such things.) They're a threat because they might give miserable married men an example of a life to dream about. And perhaps my favorite is the notion that unmarried men will go out and commit crime because they're unmarried. Everyone knows about the high crime rates around monasteries.
I, on the other hand, being a happily married man, maintain that a man can be unmarried, childless, and still be a responsible, mature man and good citizen. It is of no concern to me if a man is unmarried and childless as long as he's: not committing serious crimes; isn't behaving in a way that puts other, unconsenting people at risk; isn't getting handouts from the government. A man who takes care of his responsibilities is mature.
And let's not ignore the blindingly obvious fact that there are many immature, irresponsible guys who are or have been married and spawned children. It isn't immaturity in men that is causing the bulk of the marriage delay or marriage strike. Rather, immature men are more likely to go ahead and marry the wrong woman or before they are ready to be husbands because they aren't mature enough to avoid making those mistakes when pressured to, or because they are immature and want a maid and cook. If more men were mature, the marriage rates would actually drop more, because more men would hold out for one of the increasingly rare women who are quality wife-and-mother material.
Never-married, childless men who don't have a girlfriend are viewed with suspicion by so many people, including in church, in the workplace, and in politics. But they may actually be the person in the room who is the most responsible and mature.
Monday, April 04, 2011
Dagum It! Mangum It!
Look who is back in the news! Yes, it is Crystal Mangum, the woman I previously wrote about here. She's still auditioning for a show on E!, apparently.
Guy: "Crystal's a pretty name. What's your last name?”
Mangum: "Mangum"
Guy: [Googles "Crystal Mangum" on his phone.] [Pause] [Starts to run.] "See ya!"
After the debacle of her allegations against the Duke players:
Some of these comments below are good.
"benis.magee" 4/3/11 10:10 PM EDT:
"Simplemind2" 4/4/11 6:55 AM EDT
UPDATE: The apparent victim has died.
Authorities say former Duke Lacrosse accuser Crystal Mangum was arrested overnight Sunday for allegedly stabbing her boyfriend in the chest.Three in the morning. You'd think a 46-year-old man would know better than to be with this woman. Apparently not.
Authorities say around 3 a.m., officers responded to a stabbing at a home in the 3000 block of Century Oaks Drive.
When police arrived, they found a 46-year-old man stabbed in the chest.
The man suffered serious injuries and was taken to Duke University Hospital for treatment.
Investigators say the victim is Mangum's boyfriend and say they believe the stabbing occurred during an argument at the apartment the couple shared.Shacking up!
A man who claims he's the victim's cousin says Mangum and the victim had a brief relationship.Not brief enough to keep them from shacking up. This is how brief the relationship should've been:
Guy: "Crystal's a pretty name. What's your last name?”
Mangum: "Mangum"
Guy: [Googles "Crystal Mangum" on his phone.] [Pause] [Starts to run.] "See ya!"
"I mean he was excited," said the man. "He was like, 'man, guess who I'm dating now.' He was excited, but I told him 'man, you know her background, be careful, you know what I mean.'"She has minor kids. She was charged with attempted murder. She lamely accused the Duke Lacrosse players of rape. She was a stripper. Anyone one of those alone should have been a big enough red flag, but this guy thought it would be exciting to shack up with her. If you need that kind of excitement, how about jumping out of an airplane without checking your parachute first?
Mangum, 32, was later arrested at a nearby apartment and charged with assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill inflicting serious injury.Nearby apartment? Was she moving on to the next in line?
After the debacle of her allegations against the Duke players:
Mangum went into hiding, then graduated from NCCU in 2008 with a degree in police psychology.Has NCCU invited her back to speak?
Later that year she released a memoir, "The Last Dance for Grace: The Crystal Mangum Story".Can we pair her with Charlie Sheen?
Then last year, Mangum was arrested and charged with attempted murder, arson and child abuse after a domestic dispute with her ex-boyfriend - a different man than the person involved in the incident Sunday.
In December, the jury found Mangum guilty of child abuse, but they couldn't agree on a first-degree felony arson charge, which could have landed Mangum in jail for seven years.
Some of these comments below are good.
"benis.magee" 4/3/11 10:10 PM EDT:
I feel sorry for her kids and all of their fathers.Those poor kids. I pray someone with decent parental skills and a stable home gets custody. Shame on the guys who have knocked this woman up.
"Simplemind2" 4/4/11 6:55 AM EDT
I guess Ms. Crystal Mangum's "Last Dance for Grace" is not that graceful after all."coffeecan" 4/4/11 10:24 AM EDT:
Thank God that the parents of the lacrosse players had backbones and money to fight the false charges.I'll write it again... false rape allegations made things harder for actual rape victims.
UPDATE: The apparent victim has died.
Saturday, April 02, 2011
Desperate
Ever drive the wrong way, but keep driving because you've already invested to much time into that road? "NOT DESPERATE IN LOUISIANA" wrote in to Dear Abby and displayed her desperation:
Dear Abby says nothing to hint that perhaps marrying Rick is not the best idea.
I know you've invested a lot of time and the music is about to stop and you want to be sitting in a chair, but there are guys out there without daughters to raise who threaten you, and without bitchy ex-wives. But even if you're single the rest of your life, it will be better than marrying into this situation.
I am in my late 30s and have been dating "Rick" for six years.Six years? What, you just like a monotonous unmarried sex life?
The problem is his daughter, "Janet." We used to get along, but now she hates me. She calls me awful names and says she wishes I would go away.Is Janet a minor?
I recently asked Rick to marry me.You proposed to him? If he didn't propose to you, he doesn't want to marry you. Or he's way too passive.
Now Janet says I am "desperate" and she refuses to talk to either of us.You are desperate. Tick tock.
I don't know what to say to her.Nothing. And don't complain about her to Rick.
I'm appalled at her attitude toward me, the language she uses and the things she's saying about me to her friends on the Internet. She won't listen to her dad. Her mother is encouraging her behavior and has been threatening me.You really want to marry into this situation? That's desperation. If Rick would choose you over his minor daughter, then he's not worth marrying in the first place.
Dear Abby says nothing to hint that perhaps marrying Rick is not the best idea.
I know you've invested a lot of time and the music is about to stop and you want to be sitting in a chair, but there are guys out there without daughters to raise who threaten you, and without bitchy ex-wives. But even if you're single the rest of your life, it will be better than marrying into this situation.
Friday, April 01, 2011
Danger, Will Robinson!
"Wavering" wrote to Dear Margo:
Let's consider the options:
1. He's hiding from the law.
2. He's got a psychotic fixation on the past (did you dump him previously)?
3. He's stupid or underestimates himself to a fault (both remain possibilities despite, or because, of his education).
4. He's really married to someone else and you’d essentially be marrying a bigamist who wants wives in two very different places in the world.
5. He's a pedophile.
Add that onto the fact that your boy doesn't need the new (or recurring) guy in his life, and you should say "NO!"
Dear Margo responded cluelessly:
I’m in my early 20s, a university student and mother to a lovely little boy.But no husband? What’s wrong with this picture? (A lot.)
I had a boyfriend some years ago, and although things didn’t work out, we kept in touch and remained good friends. He went on a world tour recently and made the effort to visit me in another country, and told me he’d never forgotten me and still loved me. We got engaged, and our families were thrilled. But I can’t shake the feeling I’m doing the wrong thing.Well, yes, you are. You shouldn't be involved with another guy while you are supposed to be raising your boy.
He’s a lovely, kind man, generous to a fault, highly educated, intelligent — and he thinks the world of my little boy. He wants to move halfway across the world to marry me and be a father to my son.Hold on a second. I'm sure you’re an attractive woman and all, but the way you describe this guy, he could have any woman he wants. Why would he want to relocate "halfway across the world" to marry a single mother? (I can assure you that you do not have the one and only magic vagina.)
Let's consider the options:
1. He's hiding from the law.
2. He's got a psychotic fixation on the past (did you dump him previously)?
3. He's stupid or underestimates himself to a fault (both remain possibilities despite, or because, of his education).
4. He's really married to someone else and you’d essentially be marrying a bigamist who wants wives in two very different places in the world.
5. He's a pedophile.
Add that onto the fact that your boy doesn't need the new (or recurring) guy in his life, and you should say "NO!"
But I’m not in love with him.Strike three. Even without the other things, it is selfish to marry a man you're not in love with because of the things you think he can do for you.
He’s extremely sentimental, for example, and effeminate in his mannerisms. I know it sounds terrible to say, but I find him so unattractive that I can’t bear the thought of intimacy with him.I smell the putrid stench of a pedophile. Or maybe I’m imagining that at the guy is simply a homosexual (which is certainly not the same thing as a pedophile) and he wants a beard.
I feel that there has to be some sort of attraction for a marriage to work, no?Yes. At your age, there needs to be physical attraction. There should also be attraction to personality and commonality on religion.
He tells me it doesn’t matter that I’m not ‘in love’ with him, that he wouldn’t even mind my ‘settling’ for him.He's either on the down-low or he’s a child molester. WAKE UP, SISTER!
Dear Margo responded cluelessly:
If you marry this man, it will be a business transaction.Yes, it is called pimping out your kid.
The fact that you find him effeminate and he has said being in love with him is not important suggest that he might be homosexual.Okay, so maybe she isn't completely clueless.
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