Should He Have Shut Up?

Dr. Laura usually gets it right. As my readers know, I'm a huge fan of hers.

Unless there was some off-air info the audience wasn't given, I think she dropped the ball on this one. June 9, 2011 Hour 2... almost 27 minutes into the podcast, she takes a call from "Brooke" who says she's in a 7 month relationship, and about 4 months in "before they started dating", the guy she is seeing told her he's "had an issue with pornography". No explanation was given by the caller as to what exactly was meant. Some people consider clothing catalogs pornographic.

Dr. Laura usually asks, "men, women, children, or small farm animals?" But she didn't.

He's now taking steps to be "accountable", including not having a lot of personal communication devices/computers that would allow him to access whatever it is that he calls porn.

He says he's a virgin and he's a Christian. If he wasn't religious, I can't see him having confessed to a girl he was dating his problem. He probably wouldn't have seen it as a problem in the first place, and wouldn't be taking steps to avoid porn.

Dr. Laura - who has told woman after woman that it isn't a big deal if a guy looks at porn of women or heterosexual sex as long as it doesn't go beyond mere recreation as far as time usage, doesn't keep him from making love with his wife, and doesn't use up family funds - noted that it must be "serious" if the guy was going without personal computers in his home.

I think this is a misunderstanding, because Dr. Laura is not steeped in the same religious culture as the caller and her (potential) boyfriend.

She told the girl to move on or have her tubes tied.

Assuming the guy was only looking at women or women having sex with men, I would think if the guy wasn't taking accountability steps, but was still looking at porn, we can reasonably guess from Dr. Laura's other statements about men and porn that her advice would be to tell the girl to get over it. It is quite possible that if this guy had never told this caller he had what he considered a problem, or had simply never tried to do anything about it, she would never, ever have found out in the first place. They could have had a lifelong happy marriage without the subject ever coming up.

It is quite possible that the guy was simply very horny because he was a virgin and not having sex on a regular basis, and once he was having regular lovemaking with his wife, he wouldn't have much use for porn at all. It is normal for men, even Christian virgins, to be horny on a regular basis, and have erotic dreams. If they don't masturbate, they are going to ejaculate anyway, as it is natural biology.

Frankly, if a guy is so "pure" that he doesn't ever look, then I'd tell a woman to be extremely careful that lest she marry a man with no sex drive, or who has been traumatized and isn't going to make love to her.

There probably is some guy out there compatible with this caller who is a virgin (if that is what she wants), and who hasn't "had a problem" with porn. But that will be a rare specimen indeed, and more rare with each day that goes by (assuming she wants to marry a man her age or older).

As for this guy, he'll be punished for doing what he thought was the right thing, what others have probably told him to do as part of his accountability, and being honest with the caller. Or we could see it as ongoing punishment for having indulged in the first place... though others who have indulged and aren't so open about it will not face that punishment (at least not in this life).

If the caller stays with him, she'll probably let it bug her and if she does, she will no doubt take that out on him.

If she dumps him, he'll be that much older and a virgin, and I'd wager (if I was a bettin' man) that the older a man is a virgin, the more wary Dr. Laura would tell a woman calling her to be wary.

As I've written here before, my wife was a virgin when we married. She made no secret about that. She also told me after we married that she had had a VHS tape of soft core (Cinemax or Showtime) to help sooth her urges. I never saw it - she claims she erased it when we married. She didn't get into anything strange. She didn't become a murderer. She's a great mother, and for the most part, an excellent wife.

I don't write any of this to defend porn, sinful lusting, or any other sin. But I do think people should be realistic, fair, and not let reactions get out of proportion.