Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Sister of Dumped Wife Vents to Dear Abby

HURTING FOR MY SISTER wrote:

A few months ago, my sister's husband of 20 years suddenly left her for a 23-year-old girl.

I'm generally against a spouse leaving another spouse. However, in some cases, the spouse being left already "left" – if not by geographical abandonment, then by some other form of abandonment or unfaithfulness, such as an affair, abuse, addiction, or physical "abandonment". But we're not given more information, so we don't know.

He is living openly with her, even though he is still married to my sister.
Not the best way to handle things. It is possible he doesn't want to deal with the financial implications of divorce, but if the marriage is over and there is no hope of reconciliation, then a divorce is needed. The wife can file.

What is most disturbing is some members of his family are openly supporting this affair.

Some people put blood connections over all morality and automatically side with family members. That could be what is going on here. Or maybe the writer is automatically siding with her sister. If her sister was a horrible wife (and horrible to her in-laws), then maybe these people have some reason to be supportive of the errant husband.

Are those people ignorant or just plain evil?
You wrote in to Dear Abby to ask a question like that? Let's see - the economy is not so good, so infidelity isn't okay. (I learned in the 1990s that it is okay - if the economy is good.)

Not only are we given no details about the marital dynamics, we're not told if there are minor (or any) children. Probably not, or they likely would have been mentioned. If there were children, maybe he was staying in a miserable marriage for their sake until they were adults? (Maybe the wife was always closer to her sister than her husband?) Or maybe this was a man who suffered a bad wife for as long as he could and finally had enough, wanting to experience his sexuality? Or maybe he’s just always been a creep. If so, why did this writer's sister marry him?

Like I said - I don’t support spousal abandonment. I also don't support fornication, or mocking marriage by staying married while shacking up with someone else. But there are two people in that marriage – and likely, both share some blame. The question is – does he deserve almost all of the blame, or just a slight majority? Because if it is just a slight majority, then there are things the wife can do to attract him back – if she still wants – even though she doesn't have the youth of the hussy.

If a woman chooses wisely and treats kindly, it is very unlikely that her husband is going to run off. Granted, some men "need" a young woman, and every woman grows older. Those men are not marriage material.

As for the hussy - if she is interested in marriage, it doesn't bode well for her that she is shacking up - with a married man no less - who is older than her and either was a bad husband or picked a bad wife (or both!). My guess is that she either didn't have a father in her life or had a really bad one. If she does think she wants marriage, she probably believes that she has the magic vagina that will keep this man from leaving her like he did his wife. Of course, if it was mostly a matter of the wife being a shrew, then perhaps he will stay with her if she treats him right. But considering the circumstances, I just don't see that happening.

2 comments:

  1. Don't take this wrong, but I love it when you say "magic vagina."

    Some men "need" a young woman? What, Like Hugh Hefner? Is there some kind of litmus test a no longer young, but not yet old woman can run on her husband to make sure he doesn't "need" a young woman? Perhaps I should start saving for botox and plastic surgery, just in case ... I really like my husband.

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  2. Oh Mrs. B. Roth, I always love it when you comment.

    Some women think that a guy who has treated every other woman in his life like crap is going to treat them differently. Why? Well, I can only conclude that they think they are somehow different enough to overcome the fact that it isn't the women, it is the man. Hence the term "MV".

    As for the "need" of a younger woman... Most guys aren't that dysfunctional. If a guy truly can't stay interested in a good wife with whom he has a history and is growing old with together and only gets "excited" by a barely-legal woman, well, that's a problem. There are guys like that, but they are in the tiny minority. They could probably overcome such dysfunction if they tried, but some don't bother to try. Some would blame this on porn and media in general, but like I said - the vast majority of men don't have this problem, even though they are exposed to the media and porn.

    From what I read on your blog, you don't have anything to worry about.

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