A Messed Up Teen and a Woman Fearing Spinsterhood

Two interesting letters in this Dear Margo column.

HELPLESSLY BROKEN wrote:

OK, so I am in high school, right? Freshman year.

Totally.

Then my grades started slipping, and eventually I cheated on a quiz to bring my grade up because I was tired of looking like a failure.

Not a good idea, because that is a temporary solution that lacks integrity.

Unfortunately, I got caught, and the teacher and counselor called my parents.

Good. That is not unfortunate.

When I got home, my mom took my phone and read everything on it.

She should do that anyway.

By invading my privacy,

Hold on! Your mom probably pays for that phone. Everything you have is probably on loan to you – it isn't actually yours. There is no expectation of privacy. Get used to this – the same will be true when you get a job and use phones, gadgets, laptops, and desktops provided by your employer, or and an e-mail address provided by your employer.

she found out I was bisexual,

At your age, you should be asexual – at least in action.

used to cut myself,

Of course, this is completely unrelated to being "bisexual". It's not like they are both signs that there is a larger problem here, or anything.

stopped eating or forced myself to throw up,

Of course, this is completely unrelated to being "bisexual", or cutting. It's not like they are all signs that there is a larger problem here, or anything. By the way - if your parents are paying for your medical care, then these things are definitely their business. (If you get an abortionist to cut you, though, or make you throw up, then you can hide it from your parents indefinitely – for some reason abortionists are special.)

and thought I was in love with my best friend - who is a girl, I might add.

Would she want to be with someone who also likes guys, cuts herself, has eating disorders, and is an academic cheat? Would she want to be with someone who keeps all of this information in a phone?

Now I am stuck in counseling.

That can be a good thing. Who should be in counseling, if not you?

Also, she discovered similar problems going on with two of my best friends.

Yes – that is why you are friends with them. You're all a mess.

Now she won't let me see them until they tell their parents what's been going on and see a counselor.

Good for your mom! She’s being a parent!

One friend was already in counseling when this happened, but the other refuses to say anything, even if it means we can’t see each other anymore.

I guess she isn't all that devoted to you.

My problem is that I feel angry and terrible all the time and just want to cry every second because everything is ruined:

Uh, you never felt that way before?

I can’t see the girl I've fallen for,

You should be focusing on learning to be healthy, and your studies, and a hobby or sport or some such activity.

and my parents are trying to convince me that I am not bi, but merely curious.

Maybe you are homosexual. Or maybe you just don't have boundaries.

If I were simply curious I wouldn't be feeling this way toward another girl, would I?

Actually, yes, that is possible.

I don’t know what to do anymore and feel like there is nowhere to turn.

How about your counselor?

Hey, high school boys: There's your prom date! Be sure to save up!

Dear Margo responded with generally good advice, but of course throws this in:

I suggest you don’t look at the therapist as the enemy, but make use of your sessions to hash through your feelings. This person could even become an ally in helping you understand who you are and explaining to your mother that your sexuality, whatever it is, is hard-wired.

I see. But the cutting and eating disorders aren't?

HD wrote:

How long does it typically take for a man to propose marriage?

There is no typical. Some men never propose marriage. I'm wary of engagements that happen too quickly and ones that happen after many years. Good thing I'm married and don't have to deal with either situation.

I've been dating a man for over two years,

If you have been dating him as in seeing him in-person regularly, and both of you are finished with your education and he is financially/professionally established, and you have paid off your debts (other than a mortgage or maybe a car payment) then it is time.

and my mother and sister are nagging me, saying I am wasting my time, and that if he were serious, he’d have asked me by now.

They aren't the ones who would be getting married to this guy. It is quite possible they are more interested in having bunch of parties associated with a wedding. Or, maybe they see something you don't.

When I have raised the issue of a time frame, he has said he believes we will marry but doesn’t want to rush things because, to his way of thinking, marriage is forever.

Has he ever brought up the subject – in a positive, optimistic way? If you are fornicating with him, especially if you are shacking up with him, he has little incentive to get married to you. His main incentive would be for the sake of any children he wants. Which brings up the question... has he ever brought up the subject of being a father - in a positive, optimistic way?

I love him and don’t mind waiting, but I am also aware that at 34 years old each year that passes means potential future prospects diminish, as does the chance of having a baby.

This is a good example of why people should refuse to commit to an exclusive relationship unless engagement is eminent. If she was dating other men, this guy could wait as long as he wants – and she could marry someone who is ready and wants to be married. She could have been vetting other potential husbands.