All The Good Men Are...

...looking for good women, if those good men are interested in marrying and being fathers.

How many times have you hear a variation on the old line that "all the good men are married or gay"?

I'm not a woman. I haven't even played one on TV. But I notice some women complaining about a lack of quality men to marry. Let's assume that's true, and that the complaining woman hasn't been busy fornicating with bad boys or getting several advanced degrees or climbing the corporate ladder until she is well past the ideal age for marrying and bearing children. It could be the result of guys deciding they don’t want to be married for any number of reasons. Some guys are involved in an intentional marriage strike. Some are avoiding marriage for hedonistic reasons, some for professional reasons, some because they prefer living alone. There is no shortage of reasons, actually. There are men who do have a desire to marry, but are reluctant to do so because of a combination of the culture in general in which they live and the women they encounter.

But when people point to guys who are fornicating with women – either one woman for a very long time, or lots of different women – and his reluctance to marry, they are forgetting something: The women who are willing participants.

It makes no sense for a woman to continue to fornicate with a guy and complain that he won't marry her. And when her "sisters" complain about the guy not popping the question, they give her a pass – sympathy, even.

Some guys are not marriage material, for whatever reason. It could be something as basic as enjoying living alone more than having a desire to marry. It could be that a guy cares more about having control over his own earnings than tending to the needs of others, or even human life (hence the guys who kill their wives rather than divorce). Or maybe he's not motivated to earn more than what barely can keep him afloat financially. There can be any number of reasons. I do think our society is creating fewer marriage-and-family-minded men for various reasons, including "rewarding" men who avoid marriage and "punishing" those who marry, what it takes now to excel at many careers, and more guys having been raised in home where they didn't have a good father who was happily married to their mother.

I am a marriage-and-family-minded man, but I cringe when those on "my" side insist that everyone should be.

Permit me to get back to the issue of some men wanting to marry but not doing so because of the culture in general and the women they encounter. Especially with our current culture, including laws and the tendencies of our courts, marriage is riskier for men then it ever has been before. (The same can't be said of women.) In most cases, a man marries someone who earns less than he does or will be earning less than he does. This means that he will be legally obligating himself to two things: 1) payments to his wife should there be a divorce; 2) responsibility for any child his wife births, whether or not he is the biological father. (If a man earns less than his wife, he is only obligating himself to the second.) He does not get any legally-enforceable promises in return. If he gets into a fight with his wife, even if she is the aggressor, he is far more likely to be carted off to jail. A man has the cultural expectation of financially supporting his wife – and that is not reciprocated, nor is it generally held anymore that a man who is the sole breadwinner should expect that his wife will make sure his children are cared for, the laundry is done, dinner is made, and that he's going to have a good time in the marital bed. There is no requirement that the marital vows be honored, that any promises or agreements be kept (except, sometimes, some things in valid pre-nuptial agreements).

I bring all of this stuff up again because I am making a point – men today can complain that they can't find a good woman to marry, because a man needs to be more careful than ever about the woman he marries, and he has more "not marriage material" women than ever to deal with. I truly believe my wife is extroardinary - that's why I married her. I do not expect that any other man is going to be as fortunate.

Men get married for sex, because they want their children to have a good mother, friendship, companionship, because they want their girlfriend in their lives permanently, because they want someone with whom to have a household with shared and delegated responsibilities. A man does NOT get married so he can hear about a woman's catty girlfriends or their drama. He does not get married because he's tired of having so much free time and money to spend, or because he wants someone around to argue with or tell him what’s wrong with him or everything about him. He does not get married to share a bed but not a robust sex life.

How many generally eligible women are there out there – women who are really marriage material for a man who wants to raise kids? Let’s look what makes a woman marriage material.

Attraction - Let me get this out of the way right away. She needs to be attractive, because a man needs to be attracted to her to function sexually. Not all men have the same tastes, but some traits will make a woman more attractive to more men (thus increasing her options) than other traits. Strangely, plenty of very attractive women don’t think of themselves as attractive, so if you are reading this and that’s you, you probably don’t have anything to worry about. And, as I've said many times, attitude can do much to make a woman more attractive. It isn’t all about looks. But looks do also matter when it comes to thinking about the children, because attractive people do generally have an easier time in life. A woman does have some control over her appearance.

Age range - Yes, the ticking of the biological clock matters. But also on the other end – unless they are mature and have a lot of peer and community pressure (think of committed Baptists, Mormons, etc.), women under the age of 25 aren't as promising for a long-term marriage.

Sexual – Has she been unable to orgasm? Does she have a problematically low, untreated libido? Is she sexually jaded from too much history? If a woman isn't able to give herself an orgasm (with "aids" or otherwise), it will be very hard for her husband to give her one. If her attitide is "been there, done that - I'm apathetic", her husband will see that some other guy got the best of his wife. These things will make married life very difficult, unless the guy is asexual.

Domestic – Either she is willing and able to take care of things at home – including children, or she will be able to still respect her husband if she is the primary earner and he is the one who takes care of most of the domestic duties. If she is driven to climb the corporate ladder or otherwise excel professionally in a way that is very time-intensive and can't respect a domestic husband, then what is the point of getting married? You’re both going to be busy working all of the time instead of being with each other and your kids. Same goes for if she wants to be in school full-time, or wants to be out partying all of the time. It isn't a good time to be married.

Socially accommodating – Most likely, her husband is going to need time with the guys, and may also want to bring people home for the sake of personal reasons or business networking. Can she handle all of that without punishing her husband? Is she reasonably secure and confident, so as to not be worried about what her husband is doing when he's not under her supervision?

Health – is she physically, mentally, emotionally, and fiscally healthy? Some health problems can be accommodated in marriage, but others make a woman a bad bet for a man who is looking to have and raise children. A woman with a load of debt or bad credit who has trouble living within her means is also not marriage material.

No signficant baggage in general – Women who should be focused on raising their existing minor children are not marriage material. If Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or sexual assault or abuse history or psycho exes are not being dealt with well enough, she is not marriage material. Unfortunately, these things can result from actions that were no fault of the woman, but a woman does have a choice of whether or not to seek treatment and whether or not to get married. For every divorce a person has been through, the chances of subsequent marriages lasting drop, so a woman who has been divorced multiple times is a bad marital prospect.

Those are what make a woman generally eligible for marriage. Women who date bad boys and abusive jerks, run up debts, or are out partying all of the time aren't really marriage material. In addition, each man has his own specific needs that make some women compatible with him or not. He should have some darn good reasons for buying that ring, getting down on his knee, and asking a woman to be his wife. Taunts of "where are all the good men?", family pressure - including questioning of sexual orientation, and needing a replacement for "mommy" aren't good reasons. Having dated for a couple of years isn't automatically a good enough reason; maybe it is time to say goodbye rather than proposing.

If a woman has a desire to marry, she should make sure that she is prepared to be a good wife. Then, by all means, she has whining rights if she can't find a good man to marry, especially if she discourages, rather than encourages, marriage-killing behaviors in her friends.