Wilt Chamberlain Still Makes Him Look Like a Beginner

"Patrick" wrote in to Dear Margo and, according to the column, included his phone number.

I am a 65-year-old man who's enjoyed a great sex life, from the age of 16, with more than 400 women.

This is entirely possible. Do the numbers... even if you narrow it to ages 25-65, that's 40 years, back to 1970, after "free love" was well underway. That's ten a year – less than one a month. Entirely possible.

I am writing you about the wives who write about their husbands having affairs. You women just don’t get it. We are doing what we were programmed to do. The primary function of the male of the species is to breed.

Darwinian thinking (or, possibly just him looking for and excuse), Hey, if philosophical naturalism and Darwinism is true, he's right. But on the flip side, we couldn't blame women for doing whatever they felt like, too. Like cutting off our balls.

I married my first wife when I was 24.

You should have never have done that if you weren't going to stay faithful, especially if she didn't consent to such conditions.

Shortly after the wedding, her sister and two of her best friends came on to me.

Sound like quality people.

When I told my wife about their behavior, she got mad at me and said these women would never do such a thing.

One of the two of you was delusional or in denial. Which, we don't know.

Two years later, I had sex with my neighbor's wife, and she told my wife, thinking I would marry her if we got divorced.

Wow, you know how to foster a strong neighborhood and treat your wife don't you?

Men felt Tiger Woods did nothing wrong.

Some men. Some men do think he did something wrong, and that the women also did something wrong (though they seem to be getting rewarded for their wrongs). Some men think the only thing he did wrong was get married in the first place.

You women need to grow up and face the truth.

The truth is, it is possible for a man to stay faithful. Many have. It is easier when his wife remains his girlfriend, but he can stay faithful either way.

When your husband has sex with another woman, he is not cheating; he is following his biology.

Why isn't it possible that he's doing both? And would you say this to excuse your buddy taking a dump in your new car? That's biology, too.

I could go on and tell you more, but I don't have the time right now because there is a married woman a few blocks away waiting for me.

There's Judge waiting for you, too. And waiting for me, too. Good luck with that. As for me, I throw myself on the mercy of the court.

Look, I like sex. I like women. I like having sex with women. I fully expect that the only woman I will ever have sex with again is my wife. If there were no negative consequences of any sort – spiritual, emotional, physical – if it would be no harm to my wife, kids, my, or anyone else – then sex with lots of other women would be great. But it is possible and beneficial to channel our urges into marriage with one woman – because there are consequences to sex – some of them being emotional. It is better to bond with my wife and not bond in that way with anyone else.

I'm not going to say that sleeping around is okay. But don't make it worse by dragging a wife and kids into it. If you're going to do it, don't get married, get snipped, and stick to doing it with childless, unmarried women. There are plenty who will have you.

Female CEOs Earn More Than Male CEOs

This ABC News report by Bianna Golodryga and Michael Murray has some good news for women.

A new report from Bloomberg News, the leading provider of business news worldwide, shows that women who head the nation's largest companies are earning substantially more than their male counterparts.

Good for them. Are there any feminist leaders upset by this inequality? Probably not. These women should be getting whatever they’ve negotiated - no more, no less. It is up to the companies.

What's more, in 2009 female CEOs got raises averaging nearly 30 percent, while male CEOs took pay cuts.

In addition to invoking the bogus general pay gap, though, the article continues...

Despite those huge salaries, there is a huge caveat: There are still very few women who have made it to the corner office when compared to the number of men in those positions of corporate power. Only 16 companies listed in the S&P 500 are run by women.

The percentage of women in those positions will increase over time- but it does take time. Most of the current CEOs for these companies launched their careers decades ago, when things were very different. I do not expect, though, that there will ever be a 50/50 split, due to the realities of human nature. Social engineering only goes so far. It is nice that women have real choices in life, but I expect that fewer women than men are going to make the choices that will take them to the top of the corporate ladder. Flip the issue though – women can make those choices and be socially supported. Men have much less of a real choice to be “stay at home” fathers.

"There's 16 women making money and that's great," says Marie Wilson of The White House Project, a women's advocacy group. "I'm concerned about the vast majority of women who are now the majority of the workforce & it's kind of like the 16 supercorporate women are doing well. And that's a good sign - but it's not good enough."

It will never ever be enough. If it was, she’d be out a of job.

The article then goes on to really push the bogus general pay gap nonsense. Can't focus on the good news, can they? Nope. Gotta try to convince women that they are getting screwed over in a way that men aren't.

In one ABC News behavior lab experiment, volunteers were told they would be paid between $5 and $12 for their time participating in a study. Everyone was offered the minimum, but the men and women differed wildly in their reactions to the payment. More than half the men asked for more money, but only a third of the women bargained for more.

Whose responsibility is it to ask for more?

See this previous entry and this previous entry on the bogus general pay gap notion.

A Warning Against Adultery

This Dear Abby column from today or yesterday has a letter from a man offering a warning to others about committing adultery like he did.

In a story written by a relative of mine, one character recalls that on his wedding day, his long-married uncle tells him that one reason he never cheated was that he didn't want to have to see a cheater when he looked in the mirror.

There are many reasons to avoid adultery - some selfish, some not. Men considering marriage need to keep them in mind as well as married men who are flirting - figuratively or literally - with danger. Perhaps a husband resents his wife. But does he also resent his children, his family, and everyone else who will be hurt?

Put the energy you would be putting in an affair into making your marriage better. That goes for both men and women. I used to hear stories from a woman who was claiming to be cheating on her husband, and that's one thing I thought - why doesn't she put all this effort into being with her own husband?

I've written before about someone close to me who fooled around. It has been many years since that all came out, and even though he is still married, it still hurts his wife and is still thrown in his face by his wife and his children.

Is the temporary thrill worth it? I think it would have to be a very rare case where the answer would be yes.

Love the one you're with.

Ugly Ducklings

I wrote recently that my voice is one of my more attractive features, from what others have told me. The funny thing is, when I was growing up I hated my voice. I was convinced it was annoying to people, based on how it sounded to me when I heard myself on a recording – hoarse.
But then I grew up. My voice got full and deep. I also developed an ability to mimic other voices very well that has been good for laughs.

I think it was actress Denise Richards who I saw on a late night talk show, talking about how, when she was growing as a teen, her classmates made fun of how she looked - her legs and lips, in particular. But she grew up filled out, and made a good living on large part because a lot of people found her sexy or beautiful.

Dr. Laura says on her radio show that her parents heard from her school over and over again that she talked too much. Now she has a huge career, largely from talking.

Do you have some aspect of yourself that used to be a negative, or you thought of it as a negative, but through time or change & growth, it has become one of your best features/abilities?

Police Say Nathan Sloop Killed Ethan Stacy

If police are right, then yet again a parent has helped a stepparent murder their own child, this time in Utah. Ethan was only four years old. Associated Press Writer Paul Foy reports.

Ethan Stacy's stepfather, Nathan Sloop was being charged with aggravated homicide, Layton police said Tuesday. In addition, Sloop and the boy's mother, Stephanie Sloop, will be charged with felony child abuse, obstruction of justice and desecration of a corpse, police said.

Desecration of a corpse? What did she do?

The couple was married only 10 days ago, when Ethan arrived in Utah to spend the summer with his mother, police said.

Why did she agree to take him for the summer if she wasn't prepared to lovingly take care of him and protect him?

His biological father is in Virginia. His name was not released by police.

If that guy did nothing else wrong, he picked the wrong woman to knock up.

Utah State Courts records show Nathan Sloop ran afoul of the law more than once from 2000 to 2003, with convictions on charges including criminal mischief, disorderly conduct and drug possession.

In 2003, he served 30 days in jail for one drug possession charge and received a six-month suspended sentence for another.

No criminal history was found for Stephanie Sloop, and records show no criminal activity for Nathan Sloop after 2003.

Okay, it would be possible to chalk up Nathan Sloop's problems seven years ago to youthful stupidity. My hunch, tough, is that he never really changed and simply hadn't been caught lately.
How much coverage will Nancy Grace give this one?

Chances of this sort of thing happening go way up when another, unrelated adult is brought into the home. However, if the mother actively participated in the murder, then the boy was in enough danger just being around her.

Stehanie, you might have thought you were going to have new freedom with your new man. But now you could both end up in prison.

Cosmo Advice on Keeping Him Interested

Yahoo distributes a lot of content for magazines like Cosmo. This is often a way for me to get a look at what women are being told by media directed at them and not men. Sometimes it is good for a chuckle, sometimes not. This article by Bethany Heitman promises to tell dating women "5 Risky Moves to Keep Him Interested in You".

You have an amazing guy in your life, so your instinct may be to stay in your comfort zone and not do anything to mess things up. But in order to evolve and build a sturdier connection, you really have to take some risks -- even if it's nerve-wracking.

Personal relationships inherently involve the risk of vulnerability.

"Making certain bold calls keeps your relationship moving and allows you both to reveal your true colors," says relationship therapist Jennifer Oikle, PhD. "When you are willing to do that, you forge a stronger, tighter bond, and you keep things interesting."

Being yourself is the only way to have true intimacy – along with keeping confidences.

Okay... here we go...

#1. Cut Back Your Calls to Him

Uh, how does that get anyone closer? Yes, if you're calling too much, you need to cut back your calls. I had one girlfriend who would want to talk on the phone before we fell asleep, then wanted a call the first thing the next morning. There was literally nothing to talk about, and then she'd accuse me of holding back.

"Checking in frequently with your female friends brings you closer, but paradoxically, it can drive a guy away," says psychotherapist Patricia Covalt, PhD, author of "What Smart Couples Know."

So, if you tend to do that with guys, their advice really isn't to be yourself... it is to change. At least enough to get the relationship to where you want it to be. Then you can revert back to being annoying.

That's because men use the phone only when they need to get or give information. If you're calling to say hi and start a conversation about the minutia of your life, he may jump to the conclusion that you're being needy.

That is why you have girlfriends.

#2. Disagree With Him

Never disagree just as a test. It is a stupid little game and if a man figures it out, your toast.

But stating your opinion when you don't see eye-to-eye on something substantial -- like politics or moral issues -- makes for a healthier relationship.

Yes, by all means figure out where your differences are on important life matters. It might end the relationship, but that could be for the better.

"Men connect through verbal bantering and are attracted to women who challenge them," says Oikle. "They respect a girl more if she can keep pace and get his competitive side riled up."

I don’t know – some people like to fight and have drama with their spouse. Not me.

When something comes up that you don't agree on, let him know your views and why, then give him the opportunity to explain his position.

Yup. However, if a guy is just looking for sex, the less he reveals in this area the better.

#3. Do Your Own Thing... and Don't Invite Him

Yes, and don't give him grief for doing the same thing, planning things for him to do alone or with buddies.

#4. Confront Him With Relationship Issues

If he's just looking for sex, and you ask "Where is this relationship going?" the answer is "To end."

So sometimes a woman will avoid telling a dude when something he's done has hurt or confused her. But keeping quiet doesn't work in the long run, says Covalt. Eventually, you'll build resentment, those tiny love problems will balloon into bigger ones, and you're liable to have a huge blowout that totally wigs him out.

Yup. If you say "NOTHING!!!" when he asks, "What's wrong?" He should say, "Great! So buck up and let's have a great time." You'll tell him eventually. Why should he labor over it?

#5. Show Your Love

Of course.

Okay, here's my advice for keeping him interested. If you want to keep your husband interested, flirt and tease and then deliver. No kids in the house? Strip. Walk around naked. Either way, keep the lovemaking playful, plentiful and try different things. Don't butcher your hair and do stay in good shape.

If you're not married yet, then keep showing him that you're the kind of woman who is going to be a good wife.

The article continued with things women shouldn't do.

Following the old rule that whatever is his is also yours -- making it totally okay to invade what he considers private.

I had a girlfriend who literally "cleaned" my apartment without warning while I was at work- everywhere. She went through everything. Not good. She had OCD, though I didn't know it back then. Until you are married, it isn't "ours". There's his and there is yours.

Putting his loyalty to the test. Hey, his mom is heinous, so you tell him it's you or her.

You should be able to tell his loyalty by his ongoing actions.

Giving his best friend a kiss -- a real one.

Well duh.

Doing a background check on him.

I have no problem with mutual background checks before an impending marriage.

Introducing him to friends as your future husband.

Only if you are engaged. Otherwise, it is a bad thing to do.

Song of Cinemax

Jon Weinbach was published in the Los Angeles Times, writing about the proliferation of "soft-core pornography" on cable television. He specifically addresses what is found on premium channels and their on-demand channels.

With much harder stuff free on demand online, I paused to wonder why “soft” stuff is so important to the cable business.

I think this quote from the founder of a producer of “soft erotics” explains a lot of it:

"You're more likely to get your wife to watch my show - it's not so in-your-face,"

Yup. I never had pay TV before I married. My wife grew up with cable and subscribed as an adult, and we continue to subscribe, but not to the premium channels. My wife, who was virgin when we married and had also maintained boundaries well beyond intercourse, confessed that before we married she had taped some of this soft-core stuff during free preview weekends, during which one or more premium channels would be temporarily viewable for free. She apparently erased the tape, however. The principle, though, is like how the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue will make it into homes that would not welcome Playboy.

The article goes on to say that skin and depicted sex is also making its way to series that aren't presented as "erotics".

At the same time, premium channels have been upping the skin factor on their higher-profile, higher-brow series. Shows such as HBO's "True Blood," which debuts its third season next month, and Showtime's "The Tudors" and "Diary of a Call Girl" all showcase fairly graphic sex scenes that are often as explicit as what you would see in an R-rated movie in theaters.

The question again is – why? I think that is somewhat addressed...

Ironically, the proliferation of hard-core porn in recent years seems to have made the softer stuff more appealing - or at least more palatable - to a wider audience, particularly among women, according to industry observers. While women who are now in their 20s and 30s have grown up in an era when adult entertainment has become increasingly mainstream and sex tapes helped launch the careers of celebrities such as Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, many of them are still uncomfortable watching all-out porn, even if it's in the company of a partner.

With the "mainstream" series, some of it may boil down to a series having the sex/nudity garnering more viewers than a similar series that doesn’t have it. The article describes more about what the difference is between the hard stuff and the soft stuff.

In contrast to hard-core pornography, which depicts full male nudity and actual sex, soft-core sex is more simulated than real, and the films usually attempt to have coherent storylines and dialogue. Many of the soft-core TV series also center around a female character, such as the madam in "Beverly Hills Bordello," a longtime cable-TV staple, or the pair of sisters - one a recent college graduate, the other an erotic model - who are the leads in "Life on Top," a Cinemax series that debuted last year. But while soft-core content may be less graphic than a Jenna Jameson film, it does not aspire to high art.

Ever the writer, I don’t find bad writing appealing, even with sexy women doing sexy things. But that’s me.

All of the premium channels will air films that are rated X by the Motion Picture Assn. of America, but they also adhere to certain self-imposed guidelines when it comes to sexy material.

I thought NC-17 replaced X?

In general, cable channels won't show full male frontal nudity or extended close-up shots of female private parts.

For now.

I know entertainment producers like to say that nudity and sex are necessary to tell a realistic story. That's  the gist of what "Zane" says. A female African American author from the D.C. area, she wrote a series of “erotic” short stories that has been turned into a series on cable, with which she is also involved.

Across all platforms, the series, which follows the romantic adventures of a group of professional women, attracts about 1.4 million viewers per episode, according to the network, which has nearly 12 million subscribers. "I don't think that sexuality should be separated from the rest of life — it can be fun, it can be painful, it can be kinky and it can be entertaining in a tasteful way."

Is the stuff eye-catching if channel surfing? Sure. I would guess, however, that most married people have a lot of other things they could be doing to stimulate each other rather than watching this stuff. And unmarried people who don't have qualms about sex outside of marriage could do a lot "better".

Married or not – what do you think about this stuff and why? Have you watched any of it? Like I said... although I find the female form extremely attractive, I'm more likely to find a well-written story on paper more appealing than a ridiculous barely-there story on the screen – whether or not I should be subjecting myself to either. Solomon gave us plenty. Think you'll ever find a copy of it under your son's bed? Speaking of the kids... this stuff is one reason why it is a good idea to keep screens out of their rooms (but what are you going to do about smart phones?) and to use parental controls/filters.

Angry and Infected

OUTRAGED IN MISSOURI wrote in to Dear Abby:

I recently got genital herpes.

Congratulations.

I am very depressed over it and am experiencing a lot of difficulties, not to mention the expense.

Warn others.

The man I caught the virus from, "Jack," claims he didn't know he had herpes.

Maybe he didn't.

I don't know what to believe, except that I should be compensated.

Why? Where is there an expectation that someone to whom you're not married is free of sexually transmitted diseases/infections? Aren't STIs an inherent risk of fornication?

My life has been destroyed.

Destroyed? Really? But all of those folks in the Big Pharmaceutical ads for herpes meds look so happy. And look at Jack - he was still able to find someone with whom to have sex.

I hate the fact that this happened and, to top it off, Jack has changed his phone number!

Now we see what's really irking her.

Is this a criminal act?

Dumping you? No. Unknowingly infecting someone through consensual behavior? No. Knowingly and intentionally infecting someone else after denying you are a carrier of an STD can be a crime, and can be subject to a successful lawsuit.

Should I take action?

Yes - follow your doctor's advice. And if you're so concerned about STIs, insist on mutual testing with your potential sex partners before you do the dance. I think any couple planning to get married should do that, along with a lot of other fact-finding.

Dear Abby responded:

Please do not allow having herpes to define who you are. Your life has not been "destroyed." You contracted a virus, as millions of other Americans have.

Everyone is doing it.

There are support groups for people who have herpes -- just Google "herpes support groups-USA" and you'll find groups galore.

A dating group I could see. But a support group?

She advises against a lawsuit.

As far as I know, I never got anything from all of my bad behavior. I'm very fortunate to have avoided getting something, as I was mostly relying on the word of my partners.

The surest way to avoid STIs is to not have sex. The next surest way is to only have sex with someone who has never had sex with anyone else.

Deep Voiced Guys Preferred by Women With High-Pitched Voices

Charles Q. Choi reports that a study published in the journal Behavioral Ecology indicates...

Women with high-pitched voices apparently prefer deep-voiced, manly men, according to new research that sheds light on the rules of attraction.

I have a deep voice, and I know it is one of my more attractive attributes. I have had people of both sexes tell me I should be in radio and refer positively to how my voice carries over the phone, in a room, or wherever. My height is average. My face, I've always considered plain, with my eyes being the best attribute there. "Bedroom eyes" I have heard them called. Even when I am in my best shape, I consider my overall appearance to be average. In fact, my height is average. Besides my voice, my other readily apparent attractive attribute is my full head of thick hair. I like that... on top of my head. I don't like it everywhere else. Male models/stars these days all seem to remove all of their chest hair, after all. My wife seems happy enough. I wanted to write about a something else about my body here, but it probably falls under "Too Much Information".

As the article points out, though, it is a matter of more than just choosing a romantic partner.

"People obviously prefer to marry and date people they consider attractive, but also are more likely to cooperate with attractive individuals, prefer to hire attractive people and even prefer to vote for those they think are attractive," said psychologist Benedict Jones at the University of Aberdeen in Scotland.

Attractive people have an advantage. That's just the reality of life.

Intriguingly, past research has shown that women with high-pitched voices are not only thought of as sounding more attractive but often have faces others consider more attractive as well. Further studies revealed these voices in women are often linked with higher estrogen levels, perhaps serving as a cue to their health and fertility.

Interesting. When I hear a woman with a very high voice, I wonder what trauma happened to her when she was 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 years old (or whatever age it sounds likes). That's thanks to Dr. Drew Pinsky, who can listen to a caller's voice and correctly guess when some bad event happened in her life.

Writing this has reminded me that I need to flirt more with my wife, especially when we're apart, using the pitch of my voice. You might want to think about how you can use your voice to soothe/flirt with your spouse.

USA is Lousy - Increase Taxes and Regulations

You may have heard in the news that the USA isn't all that great a place for mothers, because an organization - that depends significantly on government grants and contracts – has said so. Don't believe it.

Please keep in mind as you read this that I am fond of mothers. Half of my ancestors were mothers. I was born from a mother. I was nursed by a mother (probably explains a few things about me). I'm married to a mother. I provide full financial support for one mother directly, and some financial support for other mothers through my taxes.

Okay, with that – on with the article.

The United States has scored poorly on a campaign group's list of the best countries in which to be a mother, managing only 28th place, and bettered by many smaller and poorer countries.

It is funny how all of these studies and lists say how lousy life is in the USA, and yet people die trying to get here, and scream hysterically when anyone suggests that they should not be able to stay here illegally. Things are so bad for mothers here that pregnant women will come here just to give birth.

Norway topped the latest Save the Children "Mothers Index", followed by a string of other developed nations, while Afghanistan came in at the bottom of the table, below several African states.

Does anyone compile a Fathers Index?

One factor that dragged the US ranking down was its maternal mortality rate, which at one in 4,800 is one of the highest in the developed world, said the report.

How many of those were illegal aliens? How many never sought prenatal care?

It also scored poorly on under-five mortality, its rate of eight per 1,000 births putting it on a par with Slovakia and Montenegro.

Our infant/young child mortality rates take into account stillbirths, premature births, birth day deaths, and prenatal murder that a lot of other countries don't take into account in their stats. Ann Coulter, no matter what you think of her, aptly exposed the flaws in the infant mortality stats. And what about abortion? How many abortions are there in Finland and Sweden? I suspect that like to the infant mortality rate, some mothers in other countries aren't counted as mothers in death stats.

Only 61 percent of children were enrolled in preschool, which on this indicator made it the seventh-lowest country in the developed world, it said.

Ah. So warehousing the kids in a day orphanage is supposed to be a positive thing? Maybe, if it gets them away from lousy parents. Look, I went to preschool for two years. It was playtime. I could have learned more at home, and had more options for playing.

And it added: "The United States has the least generous maternity leave policy -- both in terms of duration and percent of wages paid -- of any wealthy nation."

The terms of maternity leave should be between an employer and an employee. Pregnancy is almost always a choice in this country. Whenever we can avoid it, we should not force one person to pay for the choices of another.

Norway headed the list of developed countries at the top of the list of best places to be a mother, followed by Australia, Iceland, Sweden, Denmark, New Zealand, Finland, the Netherlands, Belgium and Germany.

At the bottom was Afghanistan, followed by Niger, Chad, Guinea-Bissau, Yemen, Democratic Republic of Congo, Mali, Sudan, Eritrea and Equatorial Guinea.

Yeah, it is all good in Iceland until the volcano erupts. And the fake swan you're wearing as a dress falls apart.

"The shortage of skilled birth attendants and challenges in accessing birth control means that women in countries at the bottom of the list face the most pregnancies and the most risky birth situations, resulting in newborn and maternal deaths," [Save the Children’s Mary Beth Powers] added.

Some women in developed countries CHOOSE to give birth without skilled birth attendants, believe it or not. I've done seen it on cablefied television.

Save the Children compiled the index after analyzing a range of factors affecting the health and well-being of women and children, including access to health care, education and economic opportunities.

I wonder if "economic opportunities" includes being able to make and keep more of your own money? There is plenty of access to health care here, and education.

The report recommended more funding for women's and girls' education

Wouldn't that be sexist discrimination? Oh, and women outnumber men in colleges in the USA.

and better access to maternal and child health care, particularly in the developing world.

Translation: US citizens should be forced to pay more to the federal government, which will then transfer the funds to… Save the Children… and the UN or some other messed up agency out of our control. A better way, though, would be more voluntary, private charitable efforts, which could include donations to Save the Children.

Check out Righthinker for more on this.

Look, whatever good Save the Children does, I applaud. And I believe mothers should be honored, and we should personally support motherhood, and good parenting. However, I resent it when misleading reports are used to malign the USA, especially when the agenda is to push for larger, more centralized government and the work of private programs is ignored. Men (and women for that matter) who have opted not to become parents should not be forced to pay even more in taxes to women who have chosen to become parents. I say this as a parent myself, and someone who supports private charity. Actually, parents should only be legally obligated to support their own children and spouses, not the spouses and children of others.

To me, it is bad to pressure married mothers of minor children whose husbands can and do financially support the family to take on a career. It is bad to take more of a mother's income (via her husband's payroll taxes or otherwise) in higher taxation. It is bad to interfere or undermine a mother's authority over her own children. How about an index that takes those things into account?

Mothers of America, don't let these reports discourage you. You can raise healthy, educated children in the USA. In the USA, we can choose which religious organizations, if any, with whom we will associate. Mothers have much more liberty than a lot of other countries.

Slight Blog Format Update

I've added "Featured Postings" in the column on the right. These are some of my better postings with lasting relevance or that eplain why I write about what I do, how I do.

Most of them have to do with sex. Hmm. I guess my wife and I need to spend some more private time together. But then I already wrote about that.

She Didn't Ask to Be Born

Distressed, Disowned and Dumbfounded Daughter in the Northeast wrote in to Dear Margo:

At the age of 40, I've been disowned by my father and his wife of 10 years.

That can happen. Especially with a new wife in the picture. Sometimes, the new wife makes everything better, but sometimes, she makes it a whole lot worse.

I ran a successful business, which I sold recently and made a lot of money.

Good for you! Congratulations. People like you make the world go 'round.

My father called to ask that I pay him a sum of money so that he and his wife can retire shortly - odd, being that he is a prominent attorney and well off.

Do you really know his finances? Maybe he appears to be well-off because he buys things he can't afford. If he buys them on credit, it makes it worse.

My father and his wife travel extensively, make extravagant purchases and are always adding on to their home.

That all takes a lot of money.

I was shocked to be asked for money and said no.

My father said that I am disowned, and I am hurt beyond belief. He said "I owe him" for a wonderful childhood, plus the best university money could buy.

You didn't ask to be born. It isn't just something teenagers say – it is the truth. He made a choice or several that led to your birth, and so providing for you during your childhood was his obligation. As far as the university, unless he indicated at the time that it was a loan, then you don't own him.

(Never mind that my father and my mother fought constantly.)

Your father is thinking materially, most likely – not of emotional quality.

Do I owe them for all those childhood expenses?

No. Now, I do believe we should honor our parents. But honoring them does not usually mean paying their bills, especially when they are capable adults. Buying lavish gifts for them would be a nice thing to do, as long as it doesn't enable bad decisions on their part.

Margo calls the request "nuts".

Since I was in elementary school, teachers and media directed at kids have been scaring the heck out of us telling us that our parents were going to live a long time in dependent states and we were going to have to pay a lot of money to take care of them. In some cases, that will be true. But that's not what is going on here.

I can relate to this woman. My in-laws are nice enough people. They insist on having everyone over for family dinners, and I'm sure a lot of that has to do with genuine love of family. But some of it has to do with the fact that they are underwater and, although heading towards retirement age, are going to be worse than broke. It was that way before the recent economic crash. And they are counting on their children to come to the rescue.

Now, here's the interesting thing. They have five children together. One is broke, unemployed, and living with them again. Two are currently out and on their own, but spend everything they make. The other two are married daughters – my wife and her sister. Neither daughter earns income. This means that my in-laws are counting on their two sons-in-law... one of whom is me. Thankfully, my wife says "no way" and my sister-in-law is one of those people who insists on being a miserable martyr and caretaker. So it looks like my wife's brother-in-law will be on the hook. I hope he doesn't divorce my sister-in-law (for other reasons too, of course).

My in-laws are not generally stupid people. They are simply careless when it comes to money. He's a highly intelligent ivy league-trained M.D. who retired early because malpractice insurance was making it a net loss when he went into work. Hey, not to worry – he went into real estate. And he can teach math, since he was a math major, and he's really good at photography and very sociable. So he should be able to make money. Mother-in-law is working a well-paying job. But any money they make, they spend right away.

They have a nice house in a middle class area of Orange County, California. It has four large bedrooms, a rec room, a pool with a hot tub, and it was bought outright for them as a gift. They have borrowed against the house as much as possible. They also got a seven figure inheritance. They spent it all quickly. They vacation a lot and drink like fish. They have a new big screen TV.

Meanwhile, my wife and I don’t travel a lot. We've never owned a big screen TV. We don't drink (well, I drink very rarely). My wife, like me, has been very good about money and worked hard for it, and lived within her means – it is one of the reasons I married her.

We're not going to rescue anyone. We have our own kids to raise and our own retirements for which to plan. That is the way it works. Parents give to children. In some cases, children take parents in, but that should be more out of convenience (someone to help with the kids) or because the parent needs physical help. But generally, everyone needs to plan for their own future.

Furthermore, in general, parents should not be covering the bills of their adult children, with the exception of some college expenses if it is an immediate continuation from high school, and, if everyone is being traditional, certain wedding expenses.

By the way, I don't count on getting a dime in inheritance from my mother, my father, or anyone else – not because I expect them to be destitute, but because I don't plan my life around what I hope other people do with their money.

What do you have to say about all of this?

Well, there you have it. A finances message. Who wants me to get back to writing about sex?

How Does Anyone Get Like This?

From the Altoona Mirror in Altoona, Pennsylvania, comes a tale that even the writers for Law & Order: SVU would find too bizarre to use.

An Indiana County woman has been charged with having sex with a horse, state police at Indiana said Tuesday.

But that's not all.

Dovie Lee Kerner, 46, of Plumville also allegedly had sex with other animals including a dog and a pig, court documents state.

Well, I sure hope those animals are all male. Otherwise, it would be weird.

One of the officials said she received a phone call from a confidential informant who asked her if it was illegal to have sex with an animal. When told yes, the informant said he had a video on his cell phone of Kerner having sex with a horse, court documents state.

Which means he stood there watching.

He probably turned her in because she – believe it or not – had sex with other men. How dare she?

Because of Kerner's alleged sexual activities with other men and animals, the informant, who had dated the woman, and his Jack Russell terrier both contracted sexually transmitted diseases, court documents state.

Poor dog. He was probably thinking, "Hey my human's new girlfriend is cool. She's nice to me. Hey... wait a minute...she's being a little too friendly with me... what's that I smell on her?!?"

What will she tell the other inmates? "Uh, I'm in for murder. Yeah, that's it."

I wonder if she'll have to stay at least 500 feet away from kennels and stables?

The real tip off was when she gave birth to a side of bacon.

You can click here if you really want to see the paperwork.

Hey Ocifer, That Other Driver is Drunk!

From the Orange County Register comes this coverage of an accident in Fullerton, a city that neighbors Anaheim. Adam Townsend reports.

Two suspected drunken drivers crashed into each other at Gilbert Street and Rosecrans Avenue at 2:26 a.m. Sunday. Police arrested one driver, Alice Moya, 20, at the scene, said Fullerton Police Sgt. Andrew Goodrich in an e-mail.

The driver of the other vehicle, Sae Koh, 55, was seriously injured, Goodrich said. He was found to have also been driving under the influence and was cited at a hospital, Goodrich said.

Wouldn't life be a whole let better if drunken drivers only ever hurt themselves or each other?

There's No Better Place in the World

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How to Date Without Spending A Lot

GARY IN LONGWOOD, FLA, whose father must be out of the picture, wrote in to Dear Abby to ask:

How do you attract single women while on a budget?

Joke about the name of the place you are from. Actually, no, that’s probably not a good idea.

Everyone should be on a budget, regardless of income. There is also no reason to spend a lot of money dating women you don't know. First of all, if you’re a Category 3, then any woman who dates you should understand that you are reserving your money for your marriage. She should appreciate that you plan so well for the future with your wife.

But if you're a Category 4, one of the important things to discover about life is that a woman generally decides whether or not she's going to have sex with you within the first few minutes of seeing you, before you have spent a dime on her. So you don't need to spend money on her - but it is helpful to let her or lead her to believe that you do have money, so she thinks there will be some nice expensive gifts later on.

So, dress nicely. You don't have to spend a lot of money to look like you have it. Get in shape if you aren't, and keep yourself clean and groomed. After all, you have to catch her eye.

Tom Leykis (who I've been referencing a lot of lately – I guess I miss his old radio show) advised never spending more than $40 on a date. Spending less, according to him, is even better.

Sit in a bar like you are waiting for a buddy to show up, and don't stare at the women. Hot women hate to be ignored, and they already know the guys who are crowding them and buying them drinks are interested, so eventually some of them will start to approach you, and even ask if you'd buy them a drink. Tell them you don’t buy drinks for women you don’t know, but while you’re waiting you can talk. If they walk away, then you've just smoked out a woman who is just looking for guys to buy her drinks.

Or, rather than waiting, have a buddy help you out with a plausible story. He has to behave like he doesn’t know you. He can approach one the choice women and explain that he's a fan of yours… that you are the next great golfer or that you're a great businessman/investor who is rising quickly up the list of the richest people in the world… but he's too embarrassed to ask for your autograph himself, so he needs her to get it. You can return the favor for him next time.

It is fairly easy to create bogus ATM receipts with inflated numbers. Act like it is the only thing you have to write your number on.

You should try to take her back to her place rather than yours, but there are things you can do in case you do end up at your place. Leave bogus bank statements with inflated numbers where the little snoop will find them when you're out of the room. You can also have a friend record a fake answering machine message you can pretend to be listening to for the first time, in which your friend plays the part of your business lawyer or agent or manager and tells you that the deal has been completed, or maybe he is the head of you accounting team and he reports that he has confirmed the transfer of the several hundreds of thousands of dollars into your account. Hey, then it is time to celebrate, right?

You can explain away your meager car and place as temporary because you're in from out of town, or you had a fire, or any other number of excuses.

In setting up a date, ask her, "What time are you having dinner?" She'll tell you. Then tell her you’ll meet her for drinks at a time that is about 90 minutes later than that. Or, if possible, offer to bring over some wine and a DVD (Don’t bring over a movie with rape or sexual assault or anything that is going to turn her off.) If you do get snookered in to taking her to dinner, eat before you meet up with her, then order the salad. Most women would never order something heavier than what their date is ordering.

Conversely, if she calls you and asking what you're doing on the weekend, answer "Having sex."

It is possible for poor guys to get women. Even condemned murderers get women, but that’s because they have some level of fame. Some women are having sex as casual as can be these days, but they want some excuse and some plausible deniability. Letting them think you are rich and letting them drink provides both.

Oh, by the way, Dear Abby responded:

Matinees cost less for admission than late shows, and if there are any museums that are not too far away, check out free museum days.

True. But do not take her to the movies or museum if you’re a Category 4.

A picnic in the park or a day at the beach doesn't cost a lot -- and neither do outdoor activities such as biking or hiking.

True. The beach, biking, and hiking are also a good excuse to offer to soap her up in the shower. However, you want to avoid seeing her in the daylight if you are a Category 4.

You really don't have to have a lot of money to attract a nice woman. And anyone who makes you feel otherwise is someone you should run from.

No, you don’t need to have a lot of money to attract a nice woman. But attracting a hot woman usually involves appearing to have a lot of money (or fame, or power), or the potential to get some. Let's cut the crap. Even a "nice" woman wants some level of financial security. If she's looking to get married and raise kids, that takes at least enough money to pay the bills on a suitable home and everything else that goes along with raising a family. Other women want a guy with money so that they can buy stuff they don't need or live a life of leisure while paid help takes care of everything, including any kids.

Some people like to say that it doesn't matter that the guy isn't well off financially, but let's get real. How many highly attractive women spend a lot of time with broke guys?

Fortunately for those of us in the USA, it is still possible for a guy to work his way up the economic ladder.

And while I do not condone lying, I also don't condone women fornicating because they think they are getting their hands on a rich guy.

Advice From a Wife

Inspired by my collection of simple advice on how to keep husbands happy and, therefore, attentive, "Snowflake" posted this entry over on her Snowflake Submerged blog. I am always interested in advice from the feminine perspective. Some of advice found in magazines and websites is so laughable. Advice from real women who aren’t relying on advertisers is often better.

Some guys may take issue with the title... "How to Keep Your Domestic Goddess Happy" because of the term, "goddess". But I used "dragon-slaying". Both are just expressions. I don't have a problem with a woman thinking of herself as a princess as long as she thinks of her husband as a prince. A marriage is in trouble whenever either spouse thinks it is all about them. A marriage will be almost sickeningly beautiful when the spouses focus on meeting the needs of each other.

I certainly can't speak for all women, but I will try to offer some insight into the female heart and mind.

Here's a big difference between men and women, and why Dr. Laura wrote a book called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and not a parallel for taking care of wives. Normal husbands, if they are marriage-and-family-minded guys, will be kept happy with a few specifics. To put it crudely, it mostly comes down to "feed me and f--- me". Really – as silly as it may sound, a guy will forget about almost any gripe he has if his wife keeps his testicles empty and his belly full. With women the concepts are more generalized and the specifics are different with each woman. (Which, by the way, is why it isn't of all that much benefit to a husband to have prior sexual experience and it may actually be a hindrance.)

Be her biggest advocate.

Absolutely. A husband who undermines his wife or doesn’t support her could be insecure, trying to keep her from improving herself, fearing that she will leave him.

Be Romantic.

As she explains, this means different things to different women. One of a husband's responsibilities is to find out what it means to his wife, and then do that.

Words of Affirmation.

Some guys think their actions are enough. But most women very much appreciate hearing good words from their man. Most women look for hints about whether or not someone else likes or dislikes something. So make it obvious (to prevent any misunderstanding) by thanking her, telling her how you still find her eyes beautiful even when she’s feeling like a mess, telling her how you love the way she kisses when there isn’t time for more, telling her she did well on a project even if that hobby of hers isn't your thing – you get the idea.

Reciprocity.

One of the examples Snowflake uses is oral sex. I am definitely in favor of reciprocity in this area and lovemaking in general. Not in a "keeping score" way, but I think husbands who want to be good lovers should enjoy bringing pleasure to their wives. Don't like giving her oral sex? Learn to like it, especially if she wants it. If my wife would let me and circumstances permitted, I'd spend entire days on foreplay and cunnilingus. Okay… I think I need a cold shower.

Women Percolate.

Foreplay, guys. Sounds simple, but I mean it. Men are often like microwaves, they turn on very easily. Women however are slower at getting aroused and they like to savor the experience.

Very important thing to keep in mind.

Know Her Preferences.

Guys, study your wife at least as well as you study your favorite interest/hobby. So you know all of the pitching stats for the entire history of the Boston Red Sox. Okay, fine. But do you know your wife's favorite romantic songs? Favorite sweets? How she likes to be massaged? Her favorite author?

Quality Time.

If you married her, you should enjoy spending time with her even when your penis isn't being touched. You should enjoy listening to what she has to say.

There are more, but I really want you to click through to read it all on her blog.

Unless I missed it, I don’t think she brought up fidelity – nor did I in my list. Probably because it should be a given. Some people put energy into pursuing or hiding affairs, and in some of those cases, if they had put the same effort into their marriages, affairs wouldn't be happening in the first place. A wife generally wants her husband to have his sexual needs fulfilled in her, and want a sense of security, which is undermined in affairs. From a purely financial standpoint, an affair puts your money, which is also your wife's, at risk for child support. Conversely, if she engages in an affair, she runs the risk of getting pregnant. Either way, it is time, energy, and often money spent on something that is in conflict with the marriage.

Guys, if you are married, you should want to make the best of it. You have invested yourself in your wife and growing your investment pays off. If you're looking to get married, keep these things in mind – they'll work if you pick the right woman. It is very important to pick the right woman. Cynics will tell you there is no such thing, but I disagree. If you find the right woman and she agrees to marry you, make her glad she did.

A Question For the Ages

Barbara, commenting on this blog, wrote...

I'd like your thoughts on how a nice middle aged woman, who is attractive, intelligent, loving, compassionate, interesting and very sensual and affectionate can meet a nice guy? I'm dead serious. I don't go to church anymore, so that's out. Hanging out at Home Depot does not work. Online dating has become sleazier than a dive bar at 2 am.

I have pretty much accepted my singleness and am not bitter towards men - I LOVE MEN. I've just given up on finding one.

Barbara,

Most of this may be redundant to you, but I don’t know you so I can't just assume you've already considered all of this.

I've tried to draw my advice from what I've noticed about how real-life middle-aged women have found a nice guy. I think of my dad's wife. She found him in book store after an author who was speaking there drafted him into a skit. He had been married to my mother for over a quarter of a century, and then had been divorced for a few years when that happened. Being open to chance encounters like that one can help, as long as there isn't a sense of desperation.
My first "real" girlfriend was a middle-aged woman. But unless you're looking for a 19-year-old boy toy, then I don’t suggest you do what she did.

Everything you wrote sounds good. But you didn’t specify what you'd want out of that "nice guy" – are you looking for a husband? A "life partner"? A boyfriend? Or boyfriends?

Also consider that you may have been telling others and even yourself that you want something, when you might be doing things that say otherwise. I write this because I noticed I had been doing that very thing. I had said and thought that I wanted to get married and have kids, but one day it struck me (the closest thing to an epiphany I've ever had) that I kept attaching myself to women I would not marry. Eventually, I turned things around and I did get married and have kids. So consider that perhaps you would actually prefer the life you have made for yourself rather than dealing with someone else's problems and flaws and sharing space and decision making along with all of the good things a guy may bring.

Also, consider that there may be something you are doing to give off the wrong signals to the right guys – because if you've got all of those nice qualities, then you should be able to attract some guys, and at least a few of them should seemingly be close enough to what you want to warrant some dates to investigate.

If you've sincerely considered all of that and really do want a boyfriend or something more serious, then have you considered exactly what it is you need in such a partner? Knowing what you're looking for will make it easier to spot it when you find it. It also prevents you from wasting time and emotion on a person is isn’t right for you. I did this in finding my wife, and she did it in finding her husband. Some people don’t consider it romantic, but it is very helpful. I would "profile" a kind of person with whom you’d be most happy – break it into "musts", "would be nice" and "dealbreakers". For example, I had to have a wife who had the same general worldview as me, she had to want kids, and had to agree that strangers would not be raising our kids; she had to be no more than a year or two older or eight years younger. It would have been nice if she had natural DD breasts, but that wasn't important. I would not date women with minor children – that was a dealbreaker.

Who are the available guys that meet your criteria? If you’re looking for a guy around your age, you're more likely to find a guy who is divorced rather than widowed or never married. Being divorced may mean he has the baggage of a difficult ex-wife, alimony payments, and children. However, it is possible that there are divorced guys out there who don't have that baggage (and maybe you don't mind a guy having adult children), and are divorced because they either married young & wrong, or they didn't treat their wives right – but have since learned better. At least you know the guy is willing to get married. Not so with a guy who has never been married by middle age. A widower, especially one who stuck with a sick wife, could be a very special find.

Perhaps an older man would be acceptable to you, as long as he is healthy and active? If you're looking for financial security through marriage, then you're more likely to find it in an older man, as rich guys your age are snagging the younger girls. A significantly younger man may work, if you are secure enough and you find a guy who isn't looking for a mother to baby him.

Where are they likely to be? You're not going to lure these men to you if you're not hanging out where they are. And that hanging out can be online.

You dismissed online dating, but not all sites are alike. Some range from hooking up to serious marriage-minded matchmaking. I would at least check out some information posted at this unofficial eHarmony.com blog, or perhaps picking up a book I read by the guy who started the business based on his years of counseling experience – Finding the Love of Your Life. The blog lists the "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" that customers can use in finding a partner. They (used to?) tell you to pick ten of each.

You also dismissed church because you don't go anymore. I'm Christian and I generally endorse regular attendance in a healthy, well-balanced Bible-teaching church, but aside from that, there has to be a church or some equivalent out there whose doctrine and practices are acceptable to you. But without that, I would recommend joining some sort of civic organization or charitable effort or even a club like a Toastmasters club or one centered around some interest or hobby of yours to find like-minded guys. I see you work with a nonprofit already, but it is best to keep this issue separate from work.

Even avoiding online dating, you might find the right guy for you in a discussion website where people talk about something of interest to you. For example, one discussion board I haunt discusses a some rather trivial stuff, but there are sections of that board set aside for people to get to know each other as people aside from their common entertainment interest. You can use a sneaky "grid" approach in a place like that. For example, let's say the discussion board I was frequenting was for fans of classic (1960s and before) films. If I was single, I could post something in the appropriate area asking people if they had any special plans for Easter. I would be looking for someone who wrote a response that indicated to me that they shared my faith. Then, several days later, I would post something about attitudes towards parenting, or perhaps asking people what they think of this or that current event. I would note any woman whose contributions to each discussion indicated to me that we not only shared a love of classic movies, but more important things. Most of these services allow people to display their pictures, too. Bingo. You also might be ableto find someone by Googling for blogs discussing topics important to you.

I wish I could be more help. Maybe someone else can comment with some help.

Female Victims Matter More

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month – so all of you who have been unaware of sexual assault – become aware, okay? At least for the rest of the month. Ashley Herzog wrote a column about the culmination of the month, "Take Back the Night", and rightly calls out someone for saying that men don't have to "take back the night" because "they already have it".

Crime statistics show that men certainly don't "own the night." In reality, they are three times more likely to be victims of assault by a stranger, and far more likely to be robbed, shot, or mugged. Men are carjacked twice as often. Men are 79% of all murder victims, and about three times as likely as women to be killed by a stranger. And while no one wants to blame the victim, we don’t hesitate to judge male crime victim’s choices. We don't tell them, "Yes, go to the ATM on that isolated corner by yourself at three in the morning. If you get held up at gunpoint, it's a societal problem!"

In the interest of fairness, I don't think most Take Back the Night participants would say it is being taken back from men in general - rather, criminals. Also in the interest of fairness... who is perpetrating the vast majority of these crimes?

That's because we know that robberies, muggings, and random assaults are crimes of opportunity - and certain behaviors make you an easy target.

But when it comes to stranger rape, feminists demand that we abandon all common sense. They went into hysterics when Bill O'Reilly aired a segment about Jennifer Moore, a young woman who was raped and murdered by a stranger. Apparently, O’Reilly was a “rape apologist” for noting that Moore was drunk and wandering the streets of New York by herself at 2 AM. The feminist line is that women are raped simply because they’re “in the presence of a rapist.” That’s true, but it begs the question: what kind of choices make you more likely to be in the presence of a rapist?

Right. As I mentioned in my previous entry, there are behaviors that make someone more likely to be raped, but rape is never okay.

What do feminists hope to accomplish by demanding that women “take back the night”? For the rate of violent crimes against women to go up? For the murder rate to be 50/50? “Taking back the night” is one of those feminist ideas that sounds good on paper, but makes no sense when you start looking at the details.

Perhaps they want crimes against everyone to go down? But Herzog's point is that feminists should not discourage people from being cautious.

Interestingly, women tell researchers they worry more about violent crime. Since we’re victimized less often, we’re probably better than men at assessing risk. What feminists call “living in fear,” I call being appropriately cautious.

Maybe, instead of demanding that women be able to walk alone at night, feminists should promote common sense—and encourage men to use it, too.

Women are mistaken if they think that men don't also have something to fear while walking alone at night. The focus on protecting women who are out at night, when it ignores the fact that men are far more likely to be victims, is sexism in one of its worse forms. The focus should be on general crime prevention.

Kyle Nachreiner - What a Lack of Remorse Looks Like

There was a high-profile criminal case in Orange County, California several years back as three young guys who where politically connected were caught on tape sexually assaulting a girl. Now, one of the convicted criminals was foolish enough to be interviewed, photographed, and videotaped for a story in the Orange County Register, so that he could complain that being registered and labeled as “sex offender” is unfair. Break out the air violins for his situation.

"I went from being in the paper for playing varsity baseball as a freshman to being in the paper for a rape case,'' he says.

Yeah, you blew it. You had a really great launching pad to the rest of your life, and you threw it away.

On July 5, 2002, when he was 17, Nachreiner and two other male teenagers, Gregory Haidl and Keith Spann, sexually assaulted a seemingly unconscious teenage girl in the Corona del Mar home of Haidl's father, then-Assistant Sheriff Don Haidl.

I should note that Haidl was pretty much a political appointee by a Sheriff who has been subsequently criminally convicted himself.

The trio videotaped the episode, a 21-minute movie that shows the friends laughing as they shove a pool cue, a lit cigarette, a juice can and Snapple bottle inside the girl as she lay intoxicated on a pool table.

Geniuses.

In 2006, they were each sentenced to six years in prison.

All three are adults now and out of prison, having served less time because none of the sex offenses were found to be forcible. Last month, they lost their appeal to the California Fourth District Court of Appeal to overturn their convictions and the requirement that they register as lifelong sex offenders.

So they got out early, but he is still pushing his luck.

Nachreiner, though, may appeal his case to the state Supreme Court. He says it is unfair for him to endure the punishment of being tagged as a sex offender until he dies.

"I served my time. I went to prison. Now, I'm stuck with that label."

Yeah, that's how the sex offender registry works.

"Psychologically, it's devastating. It's the worst form of degradation there is."

What an incredibly stupid and callous thing to say, given what someone else has suffered by his actions.

He says he was very drunk, and that alcohol impaired his judgment.

And did somebody force those drinks down your 17-year-old throat?

"I'm responsible for behaving how I did. For hanging out with people I didn't trust ... For being ignorant. She's responsible for going there, for bragging that she's a porn star."

She's responsible for some bad judgment. That does not mean she deserved to be gang-raped.

"I don't believe for one second she was unconscious,'' he says.

Even if she wasn't, and it is hard to believe she wasn't, given what was being stuck in her, you still did a horrible thing. The defense lawyers attempted to slime the victim, too, and he does too...

When asked if he knew what he was doing at the time was wrong, he pauses before answering.

"Had it been any other girl, maybe."

BZZZZZ. Wrong. It was wrong to do to ANYONE. For example, you can bet that if prison guards did it to HIM after he was convicted, they would be prosecuted themselves, and this guy would be suing the county/state.

The three were tried as adults and were almost victorious at their first trial. That trial ended in a deadlocked jury.

Faced with a mistrial, Orange County prosecutors decided to deal. They offered Nachreiner, Haidl and Spann a plea bargain that would have landed each of them in prison for 18 months. But the defendants refused, rolling their dice and going to trial again.

Bad move.

In March 2005, the second jury convicted the defendants of multiple counts of sexual penetration with a foreign object by intoxication. Nachreiner was acquitted of rape and two counts of sexual penetration by a foreign object.

I'm glad they were convicted.

Nachreiner was the one who inserted the pool cue into a limp Jane Doe, both in her vagina and anus. At other times, Nachreiner is dancing, flashing gang signs and mugging for the camera.

Real quality behavior.

Nachreiner was 23 when he got out of Chuckawalla Prison on June 18, 2008. He moved to Big Bear, and worked as a ski lift attendant.

That November, he was arrested for drunken driving. The DUI charges eventually were dismissed, and he pleaded guilty to reckless driving. But he was sent back to prison for five months because of the parole violation. He got out of Chino Prison in April 2009, and moved in with his aunt.

Keep it going.

As with his other jobs, he hasn't told this employer about his criminal record.

Hmmmm, do you think they'll find out? Is that even legal – for him to withhold that information?

Hundreds of comments have been left after the story on the paper's website, most tearing Nachreiner a new one.

My advice to this guy:

1. Shut up. Stop talking until you fully realize why what you did was wrong.
2. Drop the appeals.
3. Behave yourself. You don't want to get arrested again or go back to jail. You don't want to be on parole or probation.
4. Get on your knees and beg the good Lord for forgiveness. Find a good church.
5. Use legal intermediaries to beg your victim for forgiveness.
6. Explain to the media how you were wrong and tell them how you've changed.
7. Work, pay your taxes, and get involved in some form of charity.

Maybe your life can be redeemed.

[UPDATE November 2017: This post is from April of 2010. Comments on this person continue to trickle in, with people claiming to know him now. I don't think it is fair to post negative comments about how he is now, because he's not in the news anymore. If he gets in trouble with the law again, then of course I'll publish more comments on that. If you want to keep ME updated and share your experiences with ME, you can still write those in the comment window. I'm not not likely to publish them. It is my sincere hope that everyone involved in this matter is, or becomes, a positively contributing member of society.]

Keeping Your Dragon-Slaying Husband Happy

...which will be more likely to keep him romantic, attentive, affectionate, and around!

Ladies, if you've married (or plan to marry) a good, marriage-and-family-minded man, keeping him happy will be relatively simple.

I. Be His Girlfriend.

A) Do It. Don’t turn him down when it comes to sex. Respond to his play and flirting. Surrender to his advances. If you absolutely can't have sex at that moment, playfully defer to later, promising to make the wait worth it. If you aren't in the mood, behave like you are and tell him what you need him to do so that you'll get into it. He'll be happy to do it. If there is some act or position that he attempts or requests that you are unable to accommodate for whatever reason, offer an alternative. Unless he has made it clear it is a turn-off for him, initiate on occasion – especially as a "distraction" if his eye is wandering or is glued to some babe on the screen. Flirt. Enthusiasm is important – don't let it repeatedly become mercy or maintenance sex; manual sex, oral sex, breast sex, etc. is still wanted even if intercourse isn't an option; make lovemaking a priority. Variety can be important - quickies vs. epic sessions; play vs. romance; role playing; morning, noon, or night; surprise vs. mutually planned & teased; soft vs. rough; lights on vs. lights off; different places, like the shower, the car, the backyard, etc.

B) Eye Candy. If he wasn’t physically attracted to you, he wouldn’t have married you. Don't hide yourself from him under ratty clothing or dozens of extra pounds. He wants to see your body. Yes, we all get older, but except in rare exceptions, you can keep your weight under control, and unless you're dealing with disease or radiation, you can keep your hair as long as he likes it and the color as he likes it. Don't become a slob or butch up. Staying in shape benefits you regardless of him.


II. Respect & Admiration. Don't be his mother. Don't badmouth him to others. Don't treat him like one of your girlfriends. Play to his strengths and accomplishments: "I need a big, strong man to open this jar for me." "I need a big, strong man to carry this for me." "Thank you for working so hard that you got that promotion."

III. Cave & Hunt. He's going to need time to himself and his hobbies (in the cave) and time with the guys (hunting). It isn’t anything you are doing wrong. Take advantage of it by enjoying your time alone or spending time with the gals.

IV. Talking. When you go to him with a problem or a gripe or complaint, let him know if you need him to offer a solution (our natural reaction), or just a listening ear. But don't use him as a listening ear for the same problems over and over again that you can't or won’t do anything about. That's what your girlfriends are for. Don’t expect him to talk a lot about his feelings – talking about feelings is also what you're girlfriends are for. Same with talking endlessly about nothing. But if you think he is having bad feelings, sit down on the couch or bed, have him put his head on your lap, and massage his head and/or stick your boobs in his face and hold him there. He'll feel so much better. Do talk to him to tell him what you want, whether it is for him to take out the trash or make your toes curl with a well-placed lick.


These next two are mainly for wives whose husbands are the sole income earner, or virtually so.

V. Feed Him. These days, you can find recipes online, but we usually don't need anything fancy. Keep your place stocked with stuff he likes and can grab/make himself for lunch or a snack if you are likely to be gone or have your arms full of kids. If you sometimes "wear" a dessert or a snack and invite him to eat it off of you (think things like grapes, berries, chocolate syrup), he will be the happiest guy in the state. See I.A.

VI. Homemaking. This is actually low on the priority list. But if he has all of the responsibility of bringing in income, then you can take care of most of the cleaning and laundry. Yes, you can hire someone and no, we don't expect the place to be spotless when there are kids. If the choice is between having enough energy for sex and having a clean place, we opt for the sex.


Those things are going to keep any reasonable, good husband happy. For a high quality, lasting marriage, I would add in:

Praying Together. You can do this at any time, including when you are naked and entangled. It’s okay – God knows what you look like, and He invented sex. If you aren't one to pray because you don't believe in prayer and/or God, then meditate together.

Laughing Together. Even if your senses of humor are different, there should be some stuff that you can laugh about or laugh over together.


Most of this simple list is very much like concepts advanced by such diverse sources such as Dr. Laura, Tom Leykis, and Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs. Why do such diverse sources agree that keeping a man happy is simple and how to do it? Because it is true.

Prom Time Again

It’s that time of the year again. Prom. I've written about it before. ENCOURAGING MOM wrote in to Dear Abby:

My son "Matt" is a junior in high school. He says he's not attending the junior/senior prom this year because he doesn't have anyone special to go with.

Maybe he just doesn't want to go. In American culture of the Anglo subset, dancing is not really something straight guys are into. On the other hand, if Matt isn't straight, maybe he just doesn't want to deal with either going with a girl or trying to take another boy.

I tried to explain that his date doesn't have to be a "girlfriend," that she can just be a friend.

Look, lady, most boys these days only going to the prom hoping it will lead to some action. Why does he want to be responsible (including financially) for a girl he isn't even going to kiss?

I told him he could also go with a bunch of guys who don't have dates.

Or, those guys could go do something they really want to do.

I know later on in life Matt will regret not having gone to the prom, and I'm sad about his decision.

Not necessarily. It's not the same for guys. Hey, as great of a filmmaker as he was, life isn't a John Hughes film. High school isn't the end-all be-all of life for most people, and the prom isn't all it is cracked up to be, especially by magazines that are trying to sell stuff to teen girls.

Should I make him go even though he doesn't want to, hoping he has a good time when he gets there? Or should I drop the issue and respect his wishes even if he's making a mistake?

Drop it.

Matt is 17 and not particularly social, and I think that's why he doesn't want to go.

Events like the prom can be depressing for someone who is "not particularly social". Most likely, he'll sit around with some classmates and listen to their conversations while he sees girls for whom he's had crushes dancing with their dates. Or, if he's really "lucky", he'll get maimed by a drunk classmate or get himself into a situation where he's accused of sexual assault.

Dear Abby responded:

There is a fine line that separates an encouraging mom from a mom who is overbearing. Your son is only a junior, and will have a chance next year to change his mind and attend the prom as a senior.

Good point.

Frankly, I have never had a man write me or tell me that looking back on his high school years he regretted missing a dance.

And you know she'll print them if they come in, now. I actually am glad I went to my prom my junior year, because I went with an older girl who was a friend of the family. Nothing happened (nothing much happened in my love life until a few years later), but since she got sick and passed away many years later, in her early 30s, it was nice to have had that time with her. I wouldn't feel the same way if she was still alive. My senior year – eh. I could have done without that. Then again, I was no drinker and my high school days were during the AIDS scare and before the modern hookup culture got underway.

Yet again, I saw no mention of a father in the letter. Is there a pattern here?

Check out my previous entries about the prom.

Betty White

Have you noticed that actress Betty White is still going strong? T.L. Stanley has an article in the Los Angeles Times about Betty White and her ongoing popularity. Despite being a young straight dude, I loved The Golden Girls when it originally aired and I still enjoy catching syndicated episodes. In retrospect, the show was often quite gay, the layout of the house was ridiculous and inconsistent, and while some topics had permanence in the series, other aspects disappeared. Like Dorothy's Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

But the writing was mostly great and the timing and facial expressions of the actresses was excellent. Betty White was just as much a reason for that show's success as anyone else. I happened to have met her in person and I know people who have worked with her.

I think her ongoing success at an age when most surviving actresses are completely out of the public eye is due to many factors.

1. She's a talented actress; she's hilarious.
2. Rather than fighting age, she has embraced it in her characters.
3. She's professional in both attitude and ability.
4. She's smart, as evidenced by her performances on various editions of the Password game shows. Notice that there are actors that never appear on game shows or talk shows. That's because they are either bores without a script or aren't too bright and it comes across loud and clear without a carefully controlled script.
5. Her cause of caring for animals is no phony public relations add-on to her life or excuse to do commercials. She really does care about animals.
6. She's a nice woman.

So when you hear complaints that Hollywood dumps women past a certain age – keep Betty White in mind.

I hope she has many more years of full living.

Free Willy

What to do about a kid brother who struts his prepubescent twig and berries around the house? OLDER SISTER IN MCALLEN, TEXAS wrote in to Dear Abby:

My brother is 9 and still walks around naked.

I don't get this. I was strongly private and modest from an early age, though I did have to wear the tiny racing swim briefs, since I was a competitive swimmer by that age. But I didn't even want to chage in front of other boys my age. I got over my modesty when I got laid. Of course, I was 19 by then, but I still wouldn't walk around naken in front of my siblings.

I have asked "Josh" repeatedly to put on some clothes, but he blows me off and flaunts himself around the house.

My mother is no help. When I ask her to talk to him, she laughs and says, "Boys will be boys." Abby, I'm 13 and it is starting to freak me out..

Call his bluff, so to speak. You walk around naked, and see how he reacts. No, don't do't that. Uhm, I got nothing. If your parents aren't going to do anything about it, what can you do? No father is mentioned. That might have something to do with it. Dad would put an end to this, either with a stern talking-to, or by showing the kid up.

Dear Abby responded:

Your brother is acting like an immature child who's enjoying teasing his sister.

That's going to happen regardless.

On the other hand, [your mother is] wrong to laugh off your discomfort. One reason children have parents is so someone can teach them respect for the feelings of others... If he wants to be naked in his bedroom, fine and dandy. But when he's in the rooms shared by everyone, he should cover up. And if he doesn't, there should be consequences.

Hmmm. I agree, but what about his feelings? What if he feels like a naturist? I wonder if the response would be the same about crossdressing? Probably not. Dear Abby would no doubt refer the girl to an organization that would help her "understand" crossdressing, especially in boys. She would tell the sister to respect her brother’s feelings. Why not the same response for naturism? Because naturists have not been as militant?

Anyone else have a situation like this?

Prospective Employers and Improper Questions

"Sick of It" wrote to Dear Margo with complaints about questions she is being asked in job interviews.

Within the first five minutes of these interviews, I am being asked about my marital status, whether I live with someone and have kids, and, the worst: "How are you paying your bills right now?" I almost walked out of the interview on that one.

Dear Margo replied:

I would say the appropriateness of such questions depends on the industry and the job description. For example, if traveling were part of the job, a prospective employer would legitimately need to gauge the family responsibilities you have. The "living with someone" question is definitely out of bounds. I can’t tell whether you think, by the nature of these questions, that these men are hitting on you.

From what I understand, interviewers are supposed to be extremely confined in what questions they ask and how, because they fear lawsuits or otherwise running afoul of the law in discrimination and sexual harassment. I've also heard from interviewers some amazing stories about what job applicants said in interviews. But I digress.

I'm in favor of property rights and freedom of association. As such, I believe employers should be free to ask any question, and the applicant should be free to not answer. Employment is a mutual decision. If someone doesn't want to hire me because I'm a married father and they think I'm less likely to be willing to travel or work long and odd hours, so be it. If they won't hire me because I won't tell them my favorite sexual position, or because I'm a Christian, then so be it. It is their loss.

Now, anyone who works for me would be limited in what questions they ask, out of respect and courtesy, but in a perfect world that would be by my choice.

As far as the letter writer – she should ask herself if she really wants to work at places where they ask those kinds of questions.

You Want to Do WHAT?

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