Things She Should Have Learned Earlier

Time for another letter sent in to Dear Margo. Trying to Decide wrote:

How much is a person supposed to overlook or adapt to in a boyfriend if he has other great qualities?

The more you have to adapt, the less likely you are with someone who is right for you. All relationships take some level of adaptation from not being in that relationship.

As long as he 1) has all the qualities you need in a partner; 2) doesn't have anything you can't stand in a partner; 3) doesn't have any red flags, and 4) is the best you can do, then you're all good.

But if there is anything about him you couldn't accept for the rest of your life and still be an enthusiastic and supportive partner who loves and respects him, then do not marry him.

I'm dating a really nice guy (divorced), who is smart and interesting and has good values, but is extremely passive - to the point where he lets people push him around.

If that is the case, do you really want to be with someone like that?

I find that a total turnoff.

That's not a good sign. Your partner should turn you on.

For example, if a colleague starts yelling at him for a mistake that was the colleague's fault, he just shrugs and tells her she made the mistake.

That actually sounds like a good way to diffuse the situation.

He is so conflict-averse that he’d rather let it go and believes that easy-going is the way to be.

Choosing your battles is a good thing. We all make mistakes. Once you point out to someone that they made a mistake in yelling at you, why rub it in?

The other thing is that he's really a lousy kisser, though friends say that can be worked on.

How about you teach him? What, was this written by a 15-year-old?

I guess I'm used to the man being dominant and aggressive, which is more of a turn-on.

So go find a guy who is "dominant and aggressive", and don't complain when it is "his way or the highway".

On the other hand, I've been accused of being too picky, and I don't want to get rid of a good guy just to see him snapped up by plenty of other women.

There are other women out there. Get over it. That some other woman may find a good time with him should not be your reason for keeping him. If he's not right for you, let him go. Some other woman will find him to be a great catch.

I think it very hard to be too picky in choosing a partner. If you are too picky, then you are doing the other person a favor by not attaching yourself to them in the first place, remaining single.

I've been divorced twice.

I wouldn't consider you a marriage prospect in that case - would not set you up with someone else I knew, unless you'd been through some serious overhaul in your character.

I'm 61 and have been single for many years, but I'd rather be in a relationship.

61!?! I seriously had the writer pegged as a teen. Good luck! And what does she mean by "relationship" - she wants a guy around to drive her places and buy her stuff? Or does she truly enjoy the ongoing company?

She didn't mention that men are constantly hitting on her. If she really wants to be in a relationship, and this guy isn't keeping her from attracting – or looking for – other possibilities, then why not keep seeing him, as long as she can treat him right and he treats her right? Unless he put a ring on her finger, they are both free to date others, in my book.