Smell the Roses With Each Other

I always appreciate it when women commentators note the struggles of today's man, especially when it comes to marriage, and offer solutions other than simply "Shut up, bring home the money, buy her flowers, and stop wanting sex!" Dr. Laura rightly points out to women who reject their husbands that they are passing up a good time for themselves, too. Well here's a recent column from Janice Shaw Crouse talking about stress and marital happiness.

Every time I write about marriage, I hear from readers who lament their sexless marriages. The comments are all from men, and they tell of years, sometimes decades, of living together without love, affection, or sexual intimacy.

Unmarried guys hear these accounts, too, and it doesn't encourage them to get married. Hearing guys who got married 40+ years ago, and thus have no clue what it is like today, tell them marriage is great doesn't mitigate this.

Such responses have come so often that I've taken note and relate them to the social science research that reveals even younger couples are increasingly under so much stress that a noticeable number of them are "too tired" for marital intimacy.

So much of our society has told women they need to have careers and children, and that they can do it at the same time. Add in all of the other things, and of course women are tired. Governments dependent on income taxes and businesses relying on more spending (and nonprofits wanting donations) are not going to encourage anyone to drop an income-earning job. Husbands are expected to take on more of work inside the home, in addition of whatever extra time he's putting in at the workplace trying to get ahead. So of course both of them get tired. Largely gone are the day when a man could walk to his job in the same town he lived in, put in a standard work day, and be done - and earn enough to support a family.

Crouse points out that it takes a conscious commitment to keep the marriage healthy. That is part of our marital vows to each other. It is more than simply promising not to have sex with other people. It is about looking after each other.

In other words, though lovemaking may seem like a luxury good that can be deferred without consequences, nothing could be further from the truth. Couples err when they allow the temporary absence of intimacy — during the stressful times that are sure to come — to become the norm of their lives. Those couples that become preoccupied with those things that are considered "necessary" find their existence increasingly dull and their relationship increasingly strained. Ironically, the things that seem so "necessary" at the time often turn out to be of little consequence in the long run.

Exactly. Why, exactly do we do the things we do? Because we think we are supposed to? Have we overextended ourselves? We have if we don't have time for each other. I didn't get married and become a father primarily so that I could spend all of my time and money keeping up appearances. I got married so that I could be a husband to my wife, not a roommate. I became a father so that I could parent a child, not be their mere babysitter and driver and ATM.