Shoe is on the Other Foot

I often read or hear complaints from husbands that their wives have little or no interest in sex, even after being a "lot of fun" leading up to the wedding. In this instance, the show is on the other foot. "Iceberg’s Wife" wrote in to Dear Margo:

My husband of 16 years is a nice guy and a good father. We rarely argue and, in fact, get along companionably.

Good.

The problem is that six months into our marriage he lost interest in sex.

And you still made babies with him?

I keep myself attractive and initiate sex often, but he is rarely in the mood.

Maybe he doesn't want you to initiate. Some guys are funny that way. Me, I wouldn't mind if my wife initiated every single time (except that I know she wants me to initiate some times). As far as keeping yourself attractive – maybe there is something (cutting your hair off) that you did to turn him off. Still, a normal, healthy heterosexual husband would not be holding out on you like this.

Throughout the course of our marriage, we have gone through dry spells that have lasted for months and even years. Sometimes things will improve for a week or two and then go back to draught.

I have told him repeatedly that this is important to me.

That alone should prompt him to act. It would be the loving thing to do (same goes when the sexes are reversed). My basic rule with this is that the married couple should go by the higher sex drive between the two. It shouldn't be a chore. The exception is when someone really does have a drive that is so hyper that obligations - such as paying the bills and parenting - suffer as a result. But hey, if you can do it three times a day and still maintain a life - GOOD FOR YOU.

He doesn't think sex is a big deal and says he just doesn't have the drive. I know he can raise the flagpole - he just doesn’t want to do anything about it. He does not feel that he needs to see a doctor or therapist.

So really, there is nothing you can do to get him to participate.

Would I be putting my happiness before that of my children’s if I left, as they adore their father? Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave a marriage?

You should leave – after the younger of your two children is 18. Your husband has broken his marital vows in a big way, and life is too short to go without sex when you clearly signed up for it. Now, you may not find a suitable replacement. So there's a small chance you will be giving up something (a "nice guy" you otherwise get along with) without gaining what you seek. But I think the odds are greater than you would be able to find a suitable husband who would enjoy meeting your sexual needs.

Why he is breaking the vows doesn't matter if he won't work on it, but it is still fun to speculate. It could be one or more of the following:

1. She is delusional; she has become quite hideous/nagging after getting him to "sign on the dotted line". This is unlikely.
2. She is leaving something out – perhaps that he didn't want to have children. Also not likely, but he could simply hate her.
3. He is a closeted homosexual, and she is his beard.
4. He has psychological/emotional problems that were amplified once she became his wife/mother of his children. Perhaps he prefers "the whore" instead of "the Madonna"? I would include a porn habit in this category.
5. Despite his apparent ability to get an erection, perhaps there is a physiological problem.
6. He's getting it elsewhere. This is also unlikely, as guys who do that still tend to take it from the wife when it is offered.

I'd say #3 and #4 are the most likely reasons.

One of my common statements here is that marriage isn't for everyone. This sounds like a guy who shouldn't have gotten married, and that he mislead this woman. As I wrote above, he is breaking the marital vows.

With few exceptions, married people should never turn down sex with their spouse. You may not be in the right mood at first, you may not think it is the best time, maybe your spouse isn't looking their best or you aren't feeling like your best... but SO WHAT? Isn't it fun anyway???