Cubs and Other Cougar Partners

I'm not talkin' wild animals. Dear Abby checked in on the cougar issue. The follow-up for this one is still on the way, I think. It will be interesting to see the responses.

"COUGAR" IN NEW YORK wrote:

I am a 59-year-old woman who has been dating men in their 40s.

Good for you.

At first, I refused because I thought they were too young for me and people might laugh.

People might be jealous and envious, too.

Since then, I have decided that as long as they know from the beginning that I'm not looking for a serious committed relationship, I'd be happy to go out.

Good policy.

Abby, why do you think younger men are attracted to older women?

Dear Abby responded:

If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say it's because many older women are independent, self-confident, worldly and not looking for commitment. Those qualities can be very attractive if a man isn't looking for commitment either.

Yeah, pretty much. If a guy is just looking for someone to be on his arm, and doesn't want the bratty drama of someone closer to his age or significantly younger – someone more likely to "fall in love" or get an idea that this will lead to a lifelong commitment – then it can be a good thing. An older woman, in addition to being more socially adept when the couple encounters other people on their date, is more likely to recognize when she is developing an attachment that she shouldn't and take corrective action. Often, she keeps up on current events and can talk about them, unlike a lot of younger women.

If a guy is just looking or sex, older women bring experience, a lack in inhibition, and more of an ability to be discreet.

Either way, she is less likely to be financially needy – in fact, she may actually reverse the money dynamic and pick up the tab and buy the guy gifts. There’s the risk – that the older woman will attract a gigolo.

Also, just like with gals, it makes a young guy feel like he's somehow superior to his peers if someone older and more accomplished/established is interested in spending time with him. Usually this notion is self-delusion.

I wrote about my first relationship with an older woman in this blog entry.

As far as I know, the oldest woman I was ever involved with was in her 50s. If she was older than that, well, then she looked young for her age. I was in the waning years of my 20s at the time. As far as I know she was childless. We spent about two weeks together, and she definitely knew what she was doing and how to please a guy. We both knew at the time that we were not going to be a couple. We didn't live anywhere near each other, and that wasn't going to change. She reported in one of our last contacts that she'd married a guy closer to her age – a guy who had been in her life as long as I'd been in contact with her. She'd previously presented their relationship as platonic, but for all I know she was married to him all along... though I doubt it and I hope not.

Yes, in general, younger women are physically more attractive to men than older women. However, that doesn't necessarily translate into a good date or good sex. So while women are out there dating older men and thus not available for guys their age, some guys their age will happily pass the time with the older women. It can work for dating. It rarely is a good idea when it comes to marriage.