A Widower and Male Day Care Provider

Both of these guys recently had their letters printed in Dear Abby.

BETWEEN LOST AND FOUND wrote:

I lost my wife of 10 years after a long battle with cancer.

That is one of the worst things that can happen to someone. Ugh. The poor guy.

I am 50 and have a 10-year-old son. If it wasn't for raising my son, I don't think I'd even want to live anymore, but the good Lord gave me this job, and I want to make sure I do it well.

He's depressed. That is not unusual after what he's been through. Our lives have inherent worth regardless of whether or not we have a partner, though.

It is very lonely at times without a woman around.

Yes, that it is typical for a widower to feel that way. There are guys who live full lives without ever getting married, though. He needs to keep himself involved in things he enjoys than he can do with his kid, friends, or by himself. If he is just talking about sex and doesn't have a moral compulsion to abstain outside of marriage (which I officially endorse), then he can get snipped, make sure his sperm count is zero, and have casual encounters when his kid is at school, sports practice, or at a friend's house, so that his kid doesn't have to deal with the women. But try to avoid bringing these women back to where you live, sir, or they could be a problem for you and your son when things sour. Try to keep those casual encounters at their place.

When I do get out and meet women 40 to 50 years old and they hear I have a spoiled kid at home, they turn away.

They don't want to deal with the baggage. You son doesn't need them. He needs you. Nothing will ever replace his mother, but he needs your attention more because she isn't here.

I know at my age I should be a grandpa.

Says who? Maybe that is the way you thought your life would go, but it should have been evident when you didn't have a child until age 40 that you weren't going to be a grandfather at 50 - whether or not your wife survived.

Is there any chance for me to find another lasting love to spend the rest of my life with?

Yes. But give it time. Concentrate on your boy. He needs you. You'll make a better choice in a partner when you get some distance between the loss of your wife and when you find someone else. I think of Paul McCartney, who apparently had a wonderful marriage with Linda, and then she died, and then he expected to find something like he had with Linda again, married Heather Mills, and paid dearly for it. Lasting, happy marriages are not the norm these days, unfortunately, and if you had one happy marriage, consider yourself ahead of the odds.

Dear Abby responded:

Plenty of women would find you attractive, and not be turned off by the fact that you are raising a son. I'm talking about single women with children of their own to raise.

How about we not mess up everyone's lives more than they are already messed up? The Brady Bunch was light-hearted idealistic fiction. It rarely works out anywhere near that well. His son doesn't need the competition, the favoritism, and the drama.

PAUL FROM PENNSYLVANIA wrote:

As a child care provider for a local program in my hometown, I am often treated differently because I am a male.

That could be because of sexism. It could also be because men and women are different. There's probably a mixture of both.

If women can do anything men can -- including the same job -- shouldn't the opposite be true?

It's not really true. Men are generally physically larger and stronger and can run faster than women, and are generally unable to naturally carry a child inside of them and lactate to feed that child. Men even tend to have a different biological reaction to crying babies than women.

Do you think society will ever completely accept male teachers and child care workers?

Probably not. Teaching used to be a decidedly male profession – think seminaries. But times change. Secretaries used to be male, until typing became the norm and the hands of women proved better at typing. Some things change over the years, but some things don't.

Dear Abby responded:

Male teachers and child care workers can give fatherless children something that female teachers cannot -- a male role model with whom they can identify.

It is interesting that Dear Abby seems to think male role models are important, yet from what I've read in her columns, she doesn't think there is anything wrong with a two women deliberately bringing children into a fatherless situation. Maybe I've misread her. I'd love to be wrong about this.

While it may be good advice to encourage a single/widowed/divorced mother parenting a child with no father in the picture to seek male role models (her own father, her brother, teachers, coaches) to be a strong male presence mentoring the child, my advice to males is to avoid putting yourself in the position where you can be accused of abusing someone else's child. Men are not trusted, and the accusation alone is enough to ruin you for life. These men, especially if they have their own children to take care of, need to consider protecting themselves over the needs of someone else's child. It is sad, and if more guys took that advice there would be fewer mentors for kids, but that is the world we have created. Male teachers and coaches should never be alone with a student behind closed doors, for example – that way, it will be much more difficult to accuse them of abuse.