Marriage Sellers Should Start a Fund

There are many reasons people are on a marriage strike, whether they call it that or not.

One big reason is the enormous financial costs, limitations, and risks.

Marriage sellers, like Dennis Prager, Matt Walsh, and so many others, are extremely concerned about plummeting marriage rates. That means they should be motivated to actually do something other than lamenting reality.

Here’s one thing they can do.

They can reduce the financial negatives.

Create a fund. Pledge to cover at least the following:

• The difference between the income the lower earning spouse brings to the marriage and the costs they bring to it
• Marital counseling/therapy
• Family law/divorce attorneys, from prenups to separation agreements and divorces
• The lost income when a someone can’t take a promotion/job because their spouse discourages it
• Any lost income as a result of the spouse wanting/causing someone to miss work
• Replacement costs of assets lost in a divorce and reimbursement for relocation 
• Any alimony/support
• Reimbursement for paternity fraud costs 

This is just dealing with certain financial concerns. It doesn’t address loss of freedom, loss of sex when someone is expected not to have sex with others but is rejected by their spouse, and countless other reasons people are refusing to sign that terrible state contract.

Come on, marriage advocates! Put your money where your mouth is.

Offer this fund to someone reluctant to marry.

A False Dichotomy About Society

We are frequently presented with a false dichotomy for society:

A) Husband and wife, blissfully and legally married, raising their well-behaved children, nicely maintaining a suburban or rural home, attending religious services multiple times per month, active in their community, law-abiding, building wealth. 

B) Miserable men abusing substances, eating mostly fast food, out of shape, playing video games and watching adult media all day, either living dependently in a parent’s basement and/or shacking up with a woman, or in squalor, conceiving children and then abandoning them, maybe living a life of crime. Women dependent on government, pining away for a good husband she’d lavish with her heart of gold. Children troubled because they weren’t raised in Situation A.

Those aren’t the only options. And we know they aren’t because there are examples of people living great lives who aren’t legally married. And there are people who are legally married who live terrible lives and/or are terrible parents.

There are never-married men who have lived great, honorable, productive lives.

There are never-married women who are thriving and happy.

There are children whose parents aren’t legally married who are being raised well and are thriving.

Most married people will either go through a divorce if they haven’t already or will be in a marriage with significant problems, such as separation, contempt, indifference, quiet desperation, abuse, dead bedrooms, affairs, and other miseries. Most divorced men didn’t file for the divorce. There are married women who complain frequently about their husband and reveal him to be a burden.

Let’s learn from, and hold up as positive examples, men and women who’ve done well unmarried. 

We can teach and encourage more people to:

• Take care of themselves through their own work and good habits, voluntary transactions, and voluntary associations
• Avoid aggressive violence 
• Have relationships they enjoy 
• Avoid conceiving children they won’t parent well

…without having them sign a terrible state contract.

Reject the false dichotomy. A terrible state contract is not what makes anything better overall.

How I Know Running Game Works

I know running game works because I've seen it work, over and over. I've seen it work on my sister, on coworkers, on classmates, and on women who seek advice from, or tell of their experiences, on radio shows, in columns, forums, etc.

But I also know running game works because it worked for me.

Back in my "single" days, I never went full "running game." I adopted some tactics. And they worked.

When I first heard about running game, it seemed like it couldn't possibly work because it went against everything else I'd been taught. But when I stopped being the romantic gentleman puppy dog focusing on one woman, when I did adopt some of the tactics of running game, it was amazing how well it worked. I spent far less time, money, and effort on these women and yet they were eager to see me and get physical.

What did I do?

Dennis Prager's Obsession With Marriage Clouds His Thinking

Dennis Prager is has an extremely strong emotional fixation on marriage. He's so worried that someone might have a great life without being married that he wants everyone to get married before that can happen, and if that marriage fails, to get married again, as soon as possible. Lather, rinse, repeat. He apparently dismisses or refuses to accept that there are valid reasons someone might not want to legally marry, much less marry at all. This is one reason he's in his third marriage.

He advocated for marrying again with his Wednesday, July 27, 2022 "Male/Female Hour," which he calls the most honest talk in media about the subject of men and women, even though he's never had a marriage striker on during that hour.

His advocacy for signing that terrible state contract was presented as a discussion about whether or not people who are dating each other rather than married or at least engaged can require the same level of fidelity as being married (or engaged). He thinks even if someone has been dating just one other person regularly for years (maybe even shacking up or with kids together - he never addressed that) there is no obligation to NOT date them as a new dating partner. Because, you know, the new love interest might marry them, and that's what REALLY matters to Dennis Prager, even though, quite obviously, the marriage might not last.

Now, I am of the mindset that nobody should assume monogamy, and I'd advise most men decline to agree to monogamy unless they're foolish enough to marry or raise children. But I must reply to some of Dennis Prager's statements.

When To Involve Cops With Family

Your family member might be, or is, breaking the law, or is out of control with a mental breakdown or rage.

Do you call the the police?

That depends.

Some things to keep in mind:

• Your call will be recorded. Your location, name, voice, and what you say will be in the possession of a government agency and might be subject to release to the public.
• If police respond, they will be armed.
• If police respond, they might search you, your vehicle, your residence, etc.
• They might arrest someone, including you.
• They might end up using force, including deadly force.
• Assume everything will be audio and video recorded, but you won’t have access to the recordings, or they might be made public. 
• If the person cited or arrested is your spouse or dependent, that is going to have negative consequences and repercussions for you, including financial. 

Involving law enforcement should be a last resort, if any resort at all.

I thought about this when Dr. Laura told a caller to call the police on her husband, to get him stopped for potentially driving under the influence.

Nobody should drive impaired. The caller didn’t know for sure her husband was impaired. Dr. Laura certainly didn’t know. And it’s no skin off her nose if some caller ends up in a terrible situation. Her net worth is in the millions. She has no dependents. She can afford legal fees, fines, etc. Many of her callers can’t.

If someone is a danger to you, your children, or other dependents, it’s best to be financially and legally separated from them as well as physically. Involving the police when you’re still going to be legally connected is usually a very bad idea.

Of course, if you or someone else is facing imminent, serious harm or deadly violence, and you can’t get away or get the others away and can’t neutralize the aggressors yourself, an emergency call might be in order. But it has to be very serious.

I grew up with a respect for police and an optimistic view of police. But let’s think logically here. It’s a job. For any job, you’re beholden to your boss more than anyone else. You may think police work for you, but their boss is their chain of command. Law enforcement personnel are primarily there for the bidding of government; to enforce laws, not to be of service to you. It’s great if police have provided a service to you, but that’s not their primary goal.

People are flawed. Some are corrupt. Most people are looking out for their own interests. This includes cops.

Bullies, power trippers, sadists, sociopaths, and psychopaths exist. Nothing stops them from becoming cops.

You don’t know all laws. You can easily be breaking a law without even knowing it. Even if you aren’t, a cop has the ability to arrest you if they can fill out the paperwork. 

In general, cops, like any other job, are there for themselves, maybe for their family, too. For most jobs, someone being there for themselves isn’t a problem. But cops are armed, can take you to jail, and can initiate actions leading to your criminal prosecution, which can result in fines and prison sentences. They’re backed by unions, laws, policies, and courts. Some became cops because of family tradition. Some just needed a job. Some want power over others.

I imagine some originally got into law enforcement to help people. And sometimes cops perform heroic deeds. That doesn’t mean you should be quick to involve cops in a family matter.

You shouldn’t participate in crime nor enable it (assuming we’re not talking about unjust laws). You shouldn’t allow anyone to steal from you, threaten you, or assault you or innocent people, especially those for whom you have responsibility. Proactive protection and reactive defense are important. There are things you can do, such as getting away from the aggressor, or taking someone in for a psych hold, without being quick to involve cops.

Once cops are involved, there can be serious consequences, including for you. Involving cops should be the last resort.

Like so many other things, this is less of a problem for free men; men who live alone and aren’t responsible for others. 

February is Fast Approaching

The rapid approach of February means a couple of things in particular.

1) If you’re seeing a woman you’ve been seeing for a while, especially one who is thinking of you as marriage material, you need to get scarce before February 14 and stay scarce until at least the 15th, or if she has a birthday or the two of you have what she thinks of as an anniversary soon after, until that day has passed. This is the season to be either enjoying time with your buddies, your hobbies, or new dates.

2) We’re going to be subjected to a glut of misleading marriage-seller propaganda, especially from the 7th through the 14th. Do not fall for it. But if you’re so inclined, you can comment on it with the truth. Feel free to borrow extensively from posts here. Here’s some basic truth-telling you can copy and paste:

****

Life has changed.

It’s never been easier to thrive being unmarried.

Most marriages fail.

The state contract is terrible.

The terrible state marriage contract brings nothing beneficial to a man he can’t otherwise get for less cost.

Most men can get everything they want out of life and live a good life without ever signing a terrible state contract.

Alleged correlations do not prove men benefit from marriage, especially when the data never separates out intentionally unmarried men.

Marriage isn’t for me, and that’s OK.

Better men than me have been divorced, some multiple times. If they failed, why would I be so arrogant as to think I’d succeed?

I haven’t found mutual attraction with a compatible woman who is willing and prepared to be a wife.

I’ve known many couples who were “happily married,” right up until the affair was discovered, or the abuse was revealed, or they divorced. 

I’m not ignorant, delusional, or masochistic enough to marry.

After listening to married women and divorced women, I don’t want to ruin a woman’s life by inflicting marriage on her.

Today’s secular state contract and social construct of marriage has little to do with Biblical marriage. In some ways it directly contradicts it.

We need Divorce Week, in which we show the reality of how common divorce is and what it does to men. Weddings are highly visible and posed pictures depict unrealistic expectations, but if we saw more of the truth, if it was more visible, fewer people would marry.

Wanting a series of parties in your honor, expensive jewelry, gifts, and a state contract that says you’re entitled to another person’s earnings no matter how you behave isn’t the same thing as wanting to be a good wife.

Once a man is earning a certain amount, he can hire professionals who can and will handle everything for much less than half of his income and without disputing, contradicting, or subverting his decisions. That includes, the more he earns: cleaning, laundry, cooking/preparing/serving meals, decorating, shopping/scheduling or otherwise being a personal assistant, listening to him, physical affection, accompanying him to places and events where he should have a woman by his side, giving him children, raising his children (if he truly wants any).

I’m seeing a woman. I decided if we can go two years straight without a red or yellow flag, I’d propose. The clock keeps getting reset.

I don’t need to sign a terrible state contract. I’m loyal and loving without one. We have overwhelming evidence having one won’t make a woman continue to be loyal and loving.

Children are a blessing. Most available women have them. Who am I to claim another man’s blessings?

If I could find an attractive, compatible woman who isn’t divorced, a mother, carrying debt, dealing with mental disorders or other health problems, or trying to use me to get/stay in the country, I’d marry her. So I guess I’m staying unmarried.

I’m against trafficking, and I have no way of knowing a woman who claims she wants to marry isn’t being trafficked. The way to end trafficking is to stop the demand.

****

Or, come up with your own succinct statements that are easy to quickly copy and paste. Suggest some in the comments below!

You Don't Need a Wife

Guys, you don't need a wife.

You might think you do for any number or combination of reasons (you can skip these reasons and go down to how you can have a great life without a wife if you'd like):

1) You're stuck in some mindset that's based on a bygone (if it ever really existed) era. In this mindset, "everyone" gets married, it's shameful or sad if you don't, and husband and wife work as a team with a tidy division of labor, with the wife providing her husband with admiration, respect, support, sex, children, and a "made" home, and the husband providing for the wife income and certain domestic labor, protection, and muscle in raising the children.* You grow old together. Very few marriages are like this anymore. Most women are not prepared to be that kind of wife, and guys don't need to marry to get what they want. The culture in general has changed, more and more people are living more and more of their life outside of marriage, and there's a good chance she'll divorce you no matter what you do.

2) You were socialized to think you did. Whether it was and is your parents, your peers, a religious organization in which you were raised, or the media (especially with the highly unrealistic romcoms), you were told by others that you're supposed to have a wife. But this is your decision to make,  and you are the one who will live with the consequences.

3) You don't have your act together and you think a wife will make up for your shortcomings. Even if she seems to like taking care of things for you now, there's hardly any woman who really, sincerely, wants to be your Mommy and the resentment and backlash will wreak havoc sometime after you sign on that dotted line. You can get your act together and take care of your stuff without being married. See How To Do It below.

4) A woman you're having sex with wants you to marry her. Whether she's your "girlfriend" or "significant other" or "partner" or whatever, she indicates she wants to get married. Of course she does! Getting married has guaranteed benefits for her. But it's a bad deal for you. Don't let her decide what your life is going to be like. If you're just seeing her, the only thing she controls is whether or not she's going to have sex with you. If she moves in, she controls much more of your life, and if you marry her, she'll be almost entirely in control of your life. DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN, not even by stealth. Once she does, she'll be hinting, suggesting, or outright nagging about getting married, trying to tell you that you might as well get married, or getting married will make things netter. She shouldn't even know where your place is, but if you have her over she should never be allowed to spend the night, receive mail or shipments there, leave things there, etc.

5) A woman you're spending a lot of time with wants you to marry her. See immediately above. You can find friendship and companionship with others, without signing a legal contract that is nothing but trouble for you.

6) You think you need a wife for sex. You can get all the sex you want without being married. Being married actually makes it less likely you'll get all of the sex you want. UNLESS... you live by a moral code that sex is for marriage. And if that's the case, you're not having sex already, right? Right? If you want to START living by that moral code, any woman you're having sex with now isn't the right woman to do that with. If you already are living by that code, think long and hard if wanting sex is worth getting married, keeping in mind that the sex could be bad and could be ended entirely, even if you do "everything" right.

7) You think you need a wife for children. Studies do correlate positive indicators for children with being raised by married parents. As with sex, though, you need to decide if your desire to raise children under the best circumstances for them is worth getting married.

When it comes right down to it, most men can't give a logical,  positive reason why they think they should get married.

So don't do it. Stay unmarried.

How To Do It

Wedding China

I don't know how long it has been a tradition, and I don't know if it is falling out of favor now, but when we got married, my wife put a china set on our gift registry. Having a china cabinet, full of china, is important for some women.

So we have a dedicated cabinet, a china cabinet, full of expensive china.

We've been married "a long time" now. How often do you think we've used that china?

Go ahead. Take a guess.

...

If you guessed ZERO, you are correct.

It just sits in the corner of the room, collecting dust.

I found out after we married that one of my wife's family members told one of my family members people shouldn't bother buying the china for us, because it would never be used. That person was right. The people who spent the money on that could have bought us gifts we actually would have used.

This is just one of many ways modern marriage and wedding culture is impractical.

Avoid it, guys!

"Married People Are Happier" - DON'T FALL FOR THIS

 

 

 

This blog is mostly directed at men. Are married men happier?

Let's assume, as groups, married men are happier than men who aren't married.

Once again, we have to point out:

• Studies that claim this never separated out intentionally unmarried men, many of whom are much happier than the average husband.
  
• Divorced people are counted as unmarried, even if the source of their unhappiness is the marriage that has ended.
• Widowed people, who may experiencing grief, are counted as unmarried.
• People who have been raised to believe they are failures, losers, and sinners if they aren't married might claim to be happy if they're married and unhappy if they're not.
• Happier people are more likely to attracted and retain a spouse (if they want one); it's not necessarily that marriage made them happy.
  

Don’t fall for the trap.

Remember, married men are taller. Getting married won't make you taller, guys, and getting married usually won't make you happier.

Stay free!

What's a Single Mother To Do?

Anonymous left a comment on this blog's most popular entry, which has hundreds of comments, so I wanted to call attention to hers.

I had my son with my now ex fiancé.

There was the first mistake. Conceiving before being in a stable, healthy, happy marriage.

We ended up breaking things off because he completely lied about who he was and it became a toxic environment.

Well, at least you didn't make more kids with him.

now I am a single mother who is currently picking up the pieces and doing what I can to give my son the best life possible regarding the circumstances.

It would be great if that included living with, or very close to, your nice, loving, married parents.

Despite how things ended, his father is still actively involved and we even hangout as a family periodically. 

If he's not abusive, I guess that's better than nothing.

My question is...if I choose not to get back with his father because of the boundaries that have been crossed..now what? Don’t date until ny son is 18 years old? Date a guy who is also a single father? Forever be alone? 

Good question.

1) Get your tubes "tied". Tubal ligation. Or, depending on your health history and your family health history, consider getting your ovaries and/or uterus removed. We don't need more children brought into this situation. Your son certainly doesn't need it.

2) Be there for your son. He needs parental attention. He doesn't have an intact home.

3) When your son is with his father, or grandparents, or aunts/uncles, you can date. Your son should never meet your new lover(s) until your son is 18, grown, moving out on his own. Even though people like me warn men to never date women with minor children, you can find plenty of dates anyway.

4) After your son is grown and out, you can date, be in relationships, shack up, marry, whatever. If you DO shack up or marry, be sure you get a prenup (marry) or cohabitation agreement (shackup) so that your son will be protected.

If you don't find this ideal, well, that's because your situation is not ideal. My advice is for your son's best interests out of the remaining possibilities.

We Are Not Going Back

During the first hour of Dennis Prager's Monday, August 19, 2019 show, toward the end of that first hour, he said he "doesn't understand" waiting to marry until establishing or gaining success in your career (succeeding professionally/financially). He claims it isn't rational, and it isn't what people did in history. "Why can't you work on your career while married?" he asked. [This entry is bumped up, and some details of my life might have changed since.]

He says things like this because he is a marriage-seller and because he has no idea what it is like to be a young person today, trying to make their way in this world. He's made it clear that he buys into the idea that man isn't really a man unless he takes on the burden of supporting a wife and children, as if women still don't have access to employment, property ownership, and personal finance. 1) If someone is working on career success, marriage, especially with children, is an enormous disadvantage. Even putting aside the emotional drama and turmoil a wife and family can bring, a spouse and children put a demand on time; there will be days you'll be late for work, or have to leave early, or not be able to work at all due to family matters. You'll get calls and texts that demand your immediate attention, taking you away from whatever you're supposed to be doing. Also, these days, establishing yourself in a career often means long and odd hours, extra days, networking at lunch and happy hours, business travel, moving, and changing employers. None of these are friendly to family.

Running Game - How Long Will She Be Around?

Running game is about weeding out the duds and the women who are too much work. It isn't about building a relationship so that you'll be monogamous, living together, married, and then raising children together.

As such, once you're into your groove as far as running game, and you're attracting women, it's no big deal when some women stop seeing you, or you need to stop seeing them, after a while. If you're doing really well, some will drop off the list simply because you don't have time for them because you're too busy with other, more attractive, more enjoyable women. That's peak game.

For most men, in most situations, the best of the relationship has already been experienced during the first three to six months anyway.

If she won't see you again, or you need to drop her, there's no need to spend any time being upset about it. You don't try to "make it work" or "win her back" or go to counseling or therapy with her. You simply move on, seeing other women or picking up new candidates. It's better to be alone than stop running game and cater to the demands of a woman. If you run game well, you won't be "alone" for long. You'll have your pick of dates. Never let on to women if you are in a slump or dry spell.

Conversely, a woman can be on your list or in your bullpen for YEARS if she's willing, stays attractive and enthusiastic, doesn't cause problems, doesn't start trying to enforce demands, etc. But what are the odds of that???

An Update on the Dr. Laura Program

 

The Dr. Laura Program got moved from SiriusXM 111 to 123.

That doesn’t mean anything to those who listen through paying for her specific subscription on her website, which then allows them to listen to the podcast of show directly from her website or through services like Apple Podcasts.

However, for casual listeners on SiriusXM, who might not have listened to her many reminders she was moving, it can mean they think she’s gone from SiriusXM.

So, she lost some listeners.

And it’s not the first time she was moved on that service.

What’s more, there are STILL people who listened to her on terrestrial radio who are unaware she’s been on SiriusXM since she left terrestrial radio and others who simply didn’t bother to listen via the service or pay for the podcast version of her show.

She’d already been struggling to get callers in recent years. The move hasn’t helped.

As a result, since the holiday break, there have been days she has changed the format for the last hour or so of her three hours. Instead of people calling her with their problems or dilemmas, she’ll announce a topic or a question and encourage people to call in with their response. This is more like traditional talk radio.

The problem with that is Dr. Laura isn’t used to traditional talk radio. She’s explicitly said many times that she doesn’t argue or debate. She makes the question or topic so narrow or specific that she gets callers she claims aren’t on-topic even though they are addressing many of the elements involved, and she puts them on hold or drops them without engaging. She usually has a specific narrative in her head she wants the callers to say, and of course many say something else, which might undermine the point she’s trying to make.

Her regular format consists of her giving a monologue about something, which casual listeners naturally assume is the topic for the hour or the day, which is incorrect. Because the rest of the time is taking calls on “anything other than politics,” with the first caller often having an issue that was addressed in the monologue (gee, what a surprise! Totally random, right? I mean it’s not like staff had that caller lined up already or anything). The callers are props; the point of the show is for Dr. Laura to pontificate, often using the caller as a negative example, and to occasionally slip in her political asides without allowing calls addressing those asides. When you realize the true point of her show, her constant interruptions of the callers and chastising them for not immediately stopping the moment she interrupts makes sense. Sometimes, the callers are helped. That’s a happy byproduct rather than the goal, most of the time.

With the lack of callers, it’s not hard for anyone to call and reach the screener. But you don’t even have to call. You can email the show and staff might call you to encourage you to come on the show as a caller.

While I now have a problems with her tactics, demeanor, hiding from her past, and some the advice she gives, I’m glad Dr. Laura is still teaching the people who are able to find her to:

-Take personal responsibility for their life in an honorable and ethical way

-Avoid misandry (in most cases) and treat good husbands well

-Not freak out about the existence or viewing of adult media

-Prioritize their minor children if they have them

-Not date parents of minor children or at least avoid the children knowing about them

-Not live together (unmarried)

-Not electively kill their child

-Not treat boys like defective girls

-Get their children out of public schools

…and probably many more things.

Stop Wishing Marriage on People

BEFUDDLED IN FLORIDA wrote in to Dear Abby about the joys of marriage. [This entry has been bumped up.]

I endured an arduous decade-long marriage with a subsequent nasty divorce and custody battle. This was followed by years of contentious child rearing with my ex.

What are the odds this is a man?

With my children now grown, I am free to spend my money the way I want and have absolute freedom. I live alone, and quite frankly, I love my life. I am 100% sure that I want to remain unmarried.

Being free is the way to go!

When people ask me about getting remarried, I tell them "never again," and I mean it. Yet, inevitably, people say, "You never know, you might get married again someday." Abby, I DO know. It's been more than 20 years.

I used to get annoyed, but now I just blow it off. Do you have any retort that doesn't sound rude? I have thought about saying, "I guess you know me better than I know myself," but it sounds snarky.

Unfortunately, no response other than "I sure hope I can remarry!" will be received well. You're going to have to break a few eggs here. Tell them how awesome unmarried life is. Drive that home until they can't stand to hear it anymore. Tell them how much you love the freedom, like having control over your own life, how you don't have to argue with someone in your own home, you don't have to spend your money on things you don't want or don't need. Talk about how everything is less expensive for you.

Guys, check out these posts that deal with this:

How to Just Say No to Giving Up Your Freedom

Keeping Boundaries as a Free Man

Why Aren't You Married?

Practical Advice For Men Avoiding Relationships

Dennis Prager on the "Burned Excuse" For Not Remarrying

The Prom is For Girls and Gays

We’re facing Prom season again.

Every year, I note this ritual, which has become another day, along with "Sweet Sixteen" (or other birthdays for certain cultures, at 13, 15, etc.) and wedding days (the the related events) that are all about feeding the narcissism and sense of entitlement of attention-whores and attention-whores-in-training.

Refer back to my "Beware the Prom", and this look at a Dear Abby column, and this look at a different Dear Abby column and this entry on increasingly showy proposals for dates.

Stop it, guys! Unless you're gay or trans and want to rub it into the noses of some uptight school staff or parents by taking someone of the same sex or wearing a dress, you don't really want to go to a dance, do you? You don't really want to take a girl to the prom, do you?

It a nutshell, here are my problems with the prom as it is these days:

Motivations Against Adult Media

I don't like it when people aren't honest and upfront about their motivations. I'm much more likely to deal with a salesperson who is honest than one that is pretending to do something out of the pure goodness of their heart or claiming a dire disaster will happen to me if I don't buy from them. [This entry has been bumped up.]

You see this sort of thing all of the time. People say they want to "legalize hemp" for medical marijuana or because practical products made from hemp are so much better than using petroleum. But once recreational pot is legalized these people seem to disappear. Or the "Indian gaming" pushes that say it'll be nothing like Las Vegas, and then once the laws are passed they run ads calling themselves the "shortcut to Vegas!"

This happens constantly when people talk about adult media. So many of the complaints are really about media, masturbation, male sexual nature, the nature of sex, etc. but people choose to only apply their complaint to adult media.

Some people breathlessly pronounce that if you watch "porn" you will become addicted, become impotent, rot your brain, and become a serial mass rapist-murderer. That, THEY CLAIM, is why they constantly warn people and call for restrictions ranging from censor/spyware they're selling to incarcerating people for making or watching video of adults having sex or pretending to. They dupe politicians into passing declarations that such material is a "public health crisis" even though it isn't, and offer a “cure” in the form of a book or “rehab” they’re selling. Or stickers and t-shirts.

Let's get honest about why people freak out about porn.

Women Need to be Romanced

 

Husbands, how often have you heard that if only you were more sensitive, caring, romantic, did more around the home, and jumped through any number of hoops, your wife would be willing to have sex with you more often? Haven't you heard that women need to be pursued and romanced over the course of the whole day in order to get turned on?

Exhibit A, your Honor: A recent [this entry has been bumped up from April 2018] letter to Dear Abby.

UNWORTHY IN THE MIDWEST wrote:

I am a 17-year-old senior and have been dating the same boy for two years.

High schoolers shouldn't do that. Not exclusively, anyway. Guys, you don't need a girlfriend while you're trying to get educated.

A month ago, he told me he wanted to break up "because he needed some time to figure out what he wanted."

Translation: "I want to figure out if I want to have another girl as my girlfriend, primarily by sticking my penis in her."

I was devastated but agreed. Two weeks later, he told me he was sorry and he loves me.

Translation: "I couldn't get the other girl or she's not as good at sex or sexually compatible with me as you are."

We are back together now, but the weekend after our breakup,

Hours or days after the breakup.

I went to visit a college girlfriend. We went to a party and I ended up having sex with a boy I didn't even know.

Here are the really big questions, men:

How much romancing did that boy do?
How much of her laundry did that boy do?
How much did he prove that he could take care of her, protect her, provide for her?
Did he ever take out the trash?
Did he ever wash the dishes?
Did he ever buy her flowers?
Did he set up a candlelit dinner?
Did he even buy her dinner?
How much money do you think he spent on her?

You get the idea. He didn't do any of that, and yet she did him.

Somehow, she was able to have sex without any of that romance or helping out. And she's not a freak. This is very typical.

I feel guilty and unworthy. What should I do? If I tell my boyfriend, I'm sure I'll lose him for good. If I don't tell him, I'll always worry that he will find out from someone else.

You're 17! Are you going to go to the same college as this boyfriend?

He has a lot to learn if he thinks she wasn't getting some, especially since he was probably getting some or trying really hard to (or had already, when he broke up with her). Guys, expect that within hours after you break up, she's getting some. Come to think of it, you shouldn't assume  or count on her having only been with you while you were a couple anyway.

Surprisingly in this age of "me too", Dear Abby didn't tell the LW she was raped. Even if the age of consent is 16 or 17 where she was (and we don't know it was), she was probably drinking.

Childfree People Are Happy

Guess what? There's a study showing that childfree people are happy.

Thank you to Dennis Prager, whose angry ranting about this alerted me to its existence. [This entry has been bumped up from June 2021.]

New research from Michigan State University psychologists examines characteristics and satisfaction of adults who don’t want children.

That really bothers Dennis Prager and others, for various reasons - that there are so many childfree people and they are happy.

As more people acknowledge they simply don’t want to have kids, Jennifer Watling Neal and Zachary Neal, both associate professors in MSU’s department of psychology, are among the first to dive deeper into how these “child-free” individuals differ from others.

Thank you to the Neals!

“Most studies haven’t asked the questions necessary to distinguish ‘child-free’ individuals — those who choose not to have children — from other types of nonparents,” Jennifer Watling Neal said. “Nonparents can also include the ‘not-yet-parents’ who are planning to have kids, and ‘childless’ people who couldn’t have kids due to infertility or circumstance. Previous studies simply lumped all nonparents into a single category to compare them to parents.”

That's SO important!!! The same thing happens when all "unmarried" people are lumped together. Find out how men who intentionally avoid marriage are doing.

“We were most surprised by how many child-free people there are,” Jennifer Watling Neal said. “We found that more than one in four people in Michigan identified as child-free, which is much higher than the estimated prevalence rate in previous studies that relied on fertility to identify child-free individuals. These previous studies placed the rate at only 2% to 9%. We think our improved measurement may have been able to better capture individuals who identify as child-free.”

More people are going to opt to be childfree.

Given the large number of child-free adults in Michigan, more attention needs to be paid to this group, the researchers said. For example, the researchers explained that their study only included one time point, so didn’t examine when people decided to be child-free — however, they hope forthcoming research will help the public understand both when people start identifying as child-free as well as the factors that lead to this choice.

A trip to the mall or supermarket can be enough, or any public restroom where a kid who's being potty trained is being resistant.

Here's the link they want included.

Marriage Strike Persuasion Tip

 

To encourage more men to join the marriage strike or to explain and defend the marriage strike, one need not assert that marriage benefits women. (“Women get prizes for marrying, men don’t!”)

It’s enough to say things like:

-Marriage sucks for men.

-There’s no good reason for most men to enter that terrible state contract.

-Marriage brings nothing a man wants he can’t otherwise get for less cost.

None of those statements mention women or what marriage does for women.

A woman (or a man, for that matter) arguing that marriage sucks for women, too, is not your opponent. At least not while they are arguing that point, if your goal is for fewer men to marry. The fewer women who marry, the fewer men who marry.

I concede that if your higher goal is changing family law in hopes of ending the marriage strike, you might want more women to want marriage but be unable to find a willing man, so that they might vote accordingly. But you may be counting on the women’s vote to be more rational and thought-out than it is.

As for me, I accept things are they are now, and as such, my goal is simply for fewer men to suffer in a terrible state contract and a bad social construct.

The Dr. Laura Program Isn’t Therapy

Many people think of Dr. Laura as a psychologist or "shrink." She was a trained, licensed therapist with a private practice. But she has far, far more experience as a radio talk show host (and author, columnist, etc.)

Something both callers, to, and listeners of, The Dr. Laura Program should remember is that she's almost never doing therapy on the program.

Aside from selling advertising and subscriptions, the program primarily exists for Dr. Laura to teach her opinions to the audience. She has said so. The reason she's doing this on the radio rather than in private practice is that she is reaching a mass audience.

Sometimes - even often - callers are helped, but that’s not the top priority. Indeed, she often tells callers she can’t help them, even when she sometimes can. There are the rare occasions she leads the caller through something therapeutic, but otherwise the program is not therapy. Far more often, though, the callers are there to serve as a warning to listeners.

Listeners range from unquestioning sycophants to perpetual critics who “hate listen.” Somewhere in the mix are gawkers who do the audio equivalent of staring as if looking at a train wreck. Some consider Dr. Laura a shock jock: focusing on where she disagrees with the caller, yelling, constantly interrupting callers even after she asked them a question and they were starting to answer- and often chastising the caller for "talking over" her, repeatedly yelling “woo-hoo,” pounding on a desk with her gavel or fist while frequently employing words and phrases like “humping,” “unpaid whore,” "piece of s---," and “limp d—-.” But she insists what she’s doing is a program to help people, not a show.

She’s there to give her set of teachings I’ve collected together and called The Dr. Laura Plan, and make negative examples out of anyone who didn’t follow it. There's a lot about the plan that is great. But Dr. Laura, who often mentions it's better to start children in Kindergarten at age six, questions why someone is still living at home at age 18 (6 + 13 years of school = Age 19). Her advice about when to marry and saving sex for marriage means faithful followers will reach about age 30 before they first have sex. And the world would rapidly depopulate if people only married and had children under her blessing.

Something listeners must keep in mind is that it's one thing for callers to agree to her advice during their call, but it can be a far different thing for them to follow through and live it out, especially when it involves radically changing their life or stopping sex in a relationship that's been established as sexual. Also, Dr. Laura controls the microphone. Letters claiming her advice didn't work (or, that she didn't understand the caller but jumped to conclusions) aren't going to make it onto the program, and if a caller somehow manages to make it through and get a "bad review" onto the air, she can say they didn't actually follow her advice, and then prevent them from saying any more.

Control is very important to Dr. Laura, and she will control the program in order to deliver and reinforce her message. That extends to what kind of situation someone can call about. Notice that, as common as it is today for parents, grandparents, etc. to struggle with a teen or young adult claiming to be transgender or nonbinary, you will never hear a call on her program pertaining to that. Clearly, she doesn't allow such calls, and has told her screeners not to let them through. She hasn't mentioned this to the audience. [Update: She has taken a few calls and has mentioned the issue as an aide a few times now, as of late 2025.]

So, you're not going to get therapy on the Dr. Laura Program unless she has the time, wants to give it you, it can be done over the phone, and it would be applicable to your particular situation. You are far more likely to be cited as a positive or negative example to listeners, which is the real reason you can call her toll-free.

She can still help you about certain things if you call, though, and if you listen you can get much insight into human behavior and relationships.

When the Attention Thirsty Change Tactics

There are women who get enormous amounts of fame/attention, money, and/or power using their youthful sex appeal. They do it through modeling and/or acting, perhaps in "mainstream" movies and television shows, perhaps in cheesecake, erotica, or porn, whether pictures or video. Maybe their looks allow them to marry men with money, power, and/or fame.

Men tend to think women are at their most physically attractive when they are younger. Things start to decline at 25, and the decline accelerates at 30.

Are there beautiful women in their 40s, 50s, even 70s? Yes! But in general, women are at their most physically attractive when they're younger. That's a fact of life, whether I like it or not, and whether you like it or not.

One of the problems for the women who made their living via media based on their attractiveness/sex appeal when they were young is that the media in which they've appeared doesn't go away. Their appearance in Playboy when they were 23 is still around when they are 53. They're not just competing with newly "arrived" 20-somethings, but they are competing against their own younger selves.

Some of these women have decided the way to handle getting older is to attack the way they made a name for themselves.

When you're famous for something and then you switch to being in public opposition or criticism of that thing, you get a lot of attention and become a superstar in your new circles.

That's what some women have decided to do.

Keep in mind that most of the women who do this were very outspoken in defense of their old way of making money, back when they were in the thick of it. They rebuffed critics by insisting they were liberated, empowered, knew exactly what they were doing, in control, winking all the way to the bank, enjoyed what they were doing far more than other jobs.

They insisted they knew better than the critics, who were often accused of being stuck in the past, childish, uptight, simple-minded, trying to control other people. The women assured us they were enlightened, modern, in control of their situation, and doing something they enjoyed and found meaningful, that they understood the critics' positions and that the critics were thoroughly wrong.

And then... further down the line, with their bodies no longer anywhere like they were in their prime, lo and behold, they turn around, join in the criticism they previously assured us they had solidly debunked, and attack the people who helped them gain fame and wealth.

Of course someone has every right to discuss harassment, assault, shady business tactics, terrible people, and the drawbacks of a line of work. But recognize what is going on. Attention whores do what they do for attention (and money). They previously tried to make the very people they align with now look ignorant and inferior while presenting themselves as superior. Now they are working with the very people they used to mock. It isn't because they stumbled upon some new insight. It's because they aged out of the previous way of getting attention. They hit the wall.

They should be called out on it. "What do you know now that you didn't know then?" Just about anything they say will be something someone specifically told them and they scoffed about.

Most who enjoyed their fame don't do this, especially those who age gracefully. They quietly "settle down" or make the most of fan conventions or new roles.

Having Someone or Something Check On You

If you’re a Free Man or otherwise living alone, especially if you work alone/from home or are retired, it’s generally a good idea to have someone checking on you regularly to make sure you’re functional.

It could be a friend or neighbor you see every day, either because they come to your place or you go to them or communicate (text, call, video chat) every day.

It could be someone you interact with online.

Accidents happen, there are robberies and break-ins that can result in assault, and there are health events like heart attacks, strokes, aneurysms, falls, etc. Don’t think it can’t happen to you because you’re not older or because you’re in good health.

Depending on your wishes and your conditions, you may not want to be rescued and recussitsted if something happens to you, but you should at least be recovered. It wouldn’t be good to be rotting way for a long period of time, especially if you have paperwork that should be executed.

But being rescued, depending, can also lead to treatment, recovery, and additional good times.

We are rapidly approaching the ability, and may already be there, to have machines handle checking in on you every day to protect your life and health. There’s probably an app for it. You can also hire a live human being to do it, if you don’t want a friend to do it.

Marriage sellers say married men live longer. We’ve covered that before. One of the reasons the data can show that is that a husband who has a fall or a health episode can have his wife call for help. So, the guy might get to live a few more months in convalescence.

That isn’t a compelling reason to marry.

Free men can, and should, set things up in a way so that if something happens to them, someone will know and act.

Do Married Men Get It More and Better?

Marriage sellers will often say married people have more and better sex than unmarried people.

Unmarried men should not fall for this.

Stop reading now if you don't want the brutal truth.

Red Flags

I generally advise against marrying, shacking up, or getting into exclusive relationships. But if you're going to do any of those things, especially if you're going to have children with a woman, there are some red flags to look out for if you insist on doing these things with a woman.

Basic Incompatibility. If your major goals, worldviews, lifestyles, strengths/weaknesses, or personalities are incompatible, then you're not a match, no matter how attractive you find her or other ways she impresses you. If one of you wants to have a lot of children and the other doesn't want to have any children, that's a red flag. If one of you is an atheist who is highly suspicious or dismissive of clergy and the other is a Christian who turns to a pastor when dealing with problems, that's a red flag. If one of you wants to live in a high rise in a big city and the other one wants to live on a farm with no town center in sight, that's a problem. If you both need to be the dominant person in the relationship, it ain't gonna work. If you are both disorganized or bad with money, it's a nightmare waiting to happen. You might have a wild fling, but this isn't a person with whom you should make babies, or live, or marry, or pledge exclusivity. You might not think religion matters that much, but it becomes much more important when you have kids, or at least when you share a residence and finances and are legally responsible for each other. Also, don't think you can give up your goals and be happy about it.

Note that the above are determined by who you are and what you need and want. The below are generally applicable regardless of who you are.

She Has Minor Children. Nope, nope, nope!!!

She's a Coworker or Working in the Same Company, Location, Profession, or Industry. It is FAR too risky for man to even compliment a woman under these circumstances. Even if she won't file allegations of sexual harassment, discrimination, or worse, someone else could merely because they heard or saw you together. A bad breakup will mess up your career. Do not date any woman with a nexus to your job.

Are You Still Free?

Men, how are you doing? Did you make it through Thanksgiving? The December holidays? New Year’s Eve?

Are you still free?

The worst case scenario would be that you married.

If you did, keep in mind that in some places, every two days you’re married adds another day of alimony. Ten years means lifetime alimony. Watch out!

The next worst thing you could have done is humiliate yourself by proposing. Don’t marry. I wrote about breaking an engagement here.

Even if you’re not engaged, if you spent time with her on those special days, especially if you spent time with her friends or family or had her around yours, you need a course correction.

You should be scarce to any woman who is thinking she owns you or your future. If you’ve been seeing her regularly, especially if you’ve been taking her out to dinner or anything expensive, you shouldn’t be perpetuating that.

Do NOT make plans to be with her on February 14.

Be scarce and unreliable. 

This is your life we’re talking about. Your money. Your time. Your freedom. Your peace. Don’t let those things slip away from you.

Stay free.

Want companionship? That’s what friends, dogs, or running game are for.

Go To The Doctor

People trying to sell you on marriage, at a loss to point to a good reason for a man to marry, say that husbands benefit from having a wife nag them to go to the doctor.*

Think about that.

You're paying over half of your salary and giving up your time and freedom and control over your life to ...have someone nag you to go to the doctor.

But here I am, telling you to do it, and I'm doing it for free. That's what other people should do. They should cut out the "middlewoman" and tell you to go to the doctor, not to get married.

Go to the doctor. Now you don't need to get married or even shack up with a woman or even be in a relationship.

Seriously. Find doctors you like.  Make appointments. Set reminders. Go. Be honest with them. Ask questions. Take ownership of your health. Do these things, and you'll be better off than the average married man.

Find doctors you like. You should have an Internist or Primary Care Physician, a Dentist, an Ophthalmologist, and, if you have specific problems, a Psychiatrist, Cardiologist, Urologist (get a vasectomy!), Dermatologist, etc. If you don't have one, try looking around your area for someone who takes your insurance. You need good doctors you can trust. (If you don't have insurance for some reason, see if you can be practice for medical students.)

Make appointments. Just do it. You can always move them if you need to. Ask your doctors' offices how often you should have appointments.

Set reminders. A good doctor's office will send you reminders, but put your appointment in a calendar you actually use, such as in your smart phone, and set reminders.

Go. Keep your appointments.

Be Honest With Your Doctors. There's no point in lying to them. Be completely, thoroughly, brutally honest with them, even if you feel embarrassed or like a failure. They're there to help you. Tell them what you're feeling and experiencing. Tell them what you do. If you're eating a lot of junk, fornicating with skanky women, and abusing substances, having problems with memory, seeing, hearing, erections, urinating or bowel movements, tell them! If there's something that seems off with the twig and berries, say so!

Ask Questions. Ask your doctor questions. Ask about your symptoms. Ask about their recommendations. If you don't understand something, ASK... no matter how stupid you might feel.  If you come up with questions between visits, record them however is best for you so that you'll actually have them handy to ask. Many doctors allow questions through a website, app, or email.

Take Ownership of Your Health. We're all getting older. We can't act like we're not. We can't eat like we used to. We need to be responsible. You already know overeating and substance abuse and sitting around all day every day are bad things. You know sex with someone who hasn't been recently tested and cleared, especially without condoms, is risky. Your doctors might order certain tests for you, like blood tests, urine tests, fecal tests, and stress tests. Don't avoid those! And if you're sexually active, you can easily get tested for diseases and infections that can be sexually transmitted.

If you're prescribed medications, research them to see what they might have as side effects and what the possible alternatives are. Pay attention to how you react to a medication.

Pay attention to what you're eating. The American diet is full of junk. Artificial sweeteners and fat substitutes, a ton of sugar everywhere, loads of sodium, and processed fat. By all means, if there is something you really like, a few bites of it is fine. Don't feel like you need to clean off your plate, though. It's fine to save something for later or even let it go to waste. We all need some fat, sodium, and even sugar in our diet, but most of us can cut way back. If you prepare your own meals at home, it is so much easier to eat right. You can use spices, especially cinnamon, and agave to make things tasty. I like soda ("pop" to some of you). I like the tastes, I like the carbonation, and I like the caffeine. But most of the stuff out there, even diet, is awful for us. But there are lines of carbonated "flavored waters" and there are concentrated "caffeine squirters" as well. Right now I get Kirkland canned carbonated flavored water. I forget what it's actually called, but they have grapefruit, lime, and lemon juice ones. There's very little juice in them. But I can add my own flavoring and caffeine. For most people, natural fats, including on meats, isn't bad. It's not what makes you fat. What makes you fat is eating too much while moving too little, including all the sugars.

Learn to cook. Take classes if you need to. It's never been easier. There's a ton of recipes and other information you can find online for free. You don't need to Food Channel stuff. With a blender, a crock pot, and a skillet, you can have enough variety to never be bored. There are meal kit services, and you can have groceries, even just fruits and vegetables, delivered.

Move more. Whether it's exercising at home or a gym or getting a personal trainer, or going for walks, or going for swims, or bicycling, moving more and keeping active is important. If you're a man, and one who looks like he can handle himself, it's very easy to get more exercise in by doing things like NOT looking for a closest parking spot. Go park in the far corner. You don't really need expensive gym memberships or personal trainers. You can find ways to move more. Even if it's just using a treadmill or stationary bike as you watch your movies or shows, you can move more.

You don't need a woman around to nag you about these things. You can take care of yourself.


*While some of the reason married men AS A GROUP are healthier than "unmarried" men is nagging, some of it is also selection, meaning women are more likely to marry healthy men than sickly men. And they're more likely to marry wealthy men than poor men, and of course wealthy men can get better health care and personal trainers and the like. Also, men who died too young to marry skew statistics. Personally, I was healthier unmarried and I'm confident I'd be healthier than I am now had I never married.

Should You Legally Marry If You Want Children?

One of the main points of this blog is to urge most men to avoid legally marrying.

But what if you want to be a father?

Do you REALLY want to BE a father?

Do you really want to be a father, or is it that you have your religion, your family and/or your friends, or a woman you're with pressuring you? Do you really want to be a father or do you want the mistaken FANTASY of fatherhood? Unless you use a bought egg and a rented womb, fatherhood will forever tie you to a woman, no matter how terribly she acts or treats you. Most women today don't have both the desire and understanding to truly be good mothers, and are even less prepared to be good partners.

We hear all of the time that statistics/studies indicate children of legally married parents are better off, and so you should legally marry if you want to raise children.

But this is misleading.