Also, a divorced woman is more likely to have a hostile attitude towards men, especially if she is wearing a divorce ring. Women are more likely to file for divorce than men, and divorce is more likely with each subsequent marriage - so a man who is looking for a lifelong partner should view a woman wearing a divorce ring with caution, lest he end up being the next guy to pay alimony to her.
I should at least comment on the Dear Abby letter from DIVORCING AND LOVING IT IN NORTH CAROLINA:
I am a 45-year-old woman with two daughters, ages 20 and 23. I married my high school sweetheart, "Cooper."
Sounds like you two didn’t have a lot of time to learn about yourselves and live before you married, And then, instead of bonding with each other and enjoying lots of marital lovemaking, you got pregnant at 21. That’s a lot of stress for a young couple.
I had heard rumors that Cooper had strayed from time to time, but had no evidence to back it up, and, of course, he denied it.
I went by my husband's office one day to surprise him, and his new secretary informed me that Cooper had just taken his wife to lunch at a local bistro! I went right over there and found them whispering, kissing and feeding each other. I did not make a scene.
Good for you.
When Cooper arrived home that evening, I confronted him. He tried to deny it. I called him a liar and he slapped me! (A first.) He moved out that night, and I filed for divorce.He sounds like a real prize, treating you that. You’re probably better off without him.
The best was this:
Cooper and his parents are livid! They say I am poking fun at him and accuse me of "promoting divorce."
That’s hilarious. I’d say adultery and domestic violence promote divorce a lot more than wearing a ring.
The ring is different in design, beautiful, makes me feel good and shows my independence.
Independence, eh? Not if you are accepting alimony.
Dear Abby’s response is prettying much right on.
But let me get back to rings. How about some other rings that will be helpful? I suggest these:
“I get really bad PMS” rings.
“I have PTSD” rings.
“I have severe mental or emotional problems” rings.
“I just want you to buy my dinner and drinks for me and my friends; I’ll never sleep with you or marry you” rings.
“I’ve got kids” rings.
“I don’t use contraception effectively and even poke holes in condoms” rings.
“I’m a relentless nag” rings.
“I have huge debt and really bad credit” rings (made of tinfoil).
In all fairness, men could wear these:
“I just want sex” rings.
“I’m a compulsive liar and cheater” rings.
“I’m completely insensitive” rings.
“I’m paying child support, and if you marry me, you’ll be paying it, too” rings.
"I’m supposed to be paying child support, but I’m not” rings.
“I’m not really sure how many kids I have running around out there” rings.
“My career will always come first” rings.
Actually, this reminds of an idea I have for “I’m Still a Bachelor” parties, where men can get together to celebrate one of their friends who has never married. But that’s for another time.
I read that letter and thought it was pretty funny. I have rings that I brought myself and I call them…rings! This “divorce ring” sounds like a great marketing ploy. Remember “right hand rings” from a couple of years ago?
ReplyDeleteI am divorced and my marriage was not a mistake. I learned a lot about myself in the process. I do not regret it, because it was an experience that I needed to go through. I would rather be divorced and gone through my marriage than be never married, but wondering about my ex-husband. We regret the things we did not do more than the ones we do. I do not think any marriage is a mistake. They are like car accidents. They happen.
I think society is going to have to rethink its ideas about divorce. We are living in upwards of 100 years now and is it really possible to stay married to the same person for that long? We really do not emotionally and psychologically mature until our 30s. Should we be alone until 30?
Subsequent marriages die, usually due to the persons involved never having learned from the first marriage. It’s like bumping your head against the wall and not taking the time to heal from the injury. A person has to be self-reflective and take responsibility for being in the first marriage. I find people lie to themselves in this regard. I find most people go for the Band-Aid cure and hop into another marriage without taking inventory of themselves.
I actually see men jumping into marriages right after divorces more than women. On average, a man waits less than two years before remarrying and usually has the successor lined up before the divorce is finalized. Men don’t like to be single. I think this has to do with a genetic disposition due to the health benefits men receive from marriage. Women don’t get this benefit and do better with each other e.g. nunneries.
Let us not forget that people change. Even the most well adjusted and psychologically sound people can grow in different directions. The best marriages allow for this growth to occur, but I find most people are afraid of change. Yet growth and maturity involve change. I think that’s why the best marriages are found amongst the most independent people! The people who can create their own happiness generally make better mates.
Then there are some people who should NEVER marry. They are the ones I feel sorry for. So many people get involved with these types and get hurt. I think these people do much better alone. They do not have the social, emotional, or psychological skills to be married. That does not make them bad people, but different. Unfortunately, our society is geared towards couple hood and that is a shame. Not everyone is cut out for married life.
Mary Anne,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your insights. There is much that you wrote that rings (no pun intended) true for me. I will discuss your comments in detail later... like tomorrow or something.
Hi Mary Anne...
ReplyDelete>>This “divorce ring” sounds like a great marketing ploy. Remember “right hand rings” from a couple of years ago?<<
Very true. How about lavish divorce parties? Could registries be far behind?
>>I do not think any marriage is a mistake. They are like car accidents. They happen.<<
You pretty much had my agreement until that statement. Certainly some marriages are mistakes. People get married for the wrong reasons, or when they are in no condition to be a spouse.
>>I think society is going to have to rethink its ideas about divorce. We are living in upwards of 100 years now and is it really possible to stay married to the same person for that long? We really do not emotionally and psychologically mature until our 30s. Should we be alone until 30?<<
This is a very good point. I do believe that marriage is sacred that that sex is for marriage. I also believe that it was much easier to live by these ideals when people got married closer to puberty and were usually dead by 60. Adolescence wasn’t really recognized. Children worked, and look at Jewish culture, for example – at 13 you were an adult. But not we have formal education that takes at least until age 21 or 22, and that’s without going or a graduate degree or something like law or medicine and if you go straight through your education full time without taking break.
In today’s world, I would ideally want my own son to wait to look for a wife (provided he wanted to marry) until after age 25 and he was established AND to save sex for marriage. I know doing both of those together is rare these days. So many of the people who brag about being virgins when they married got married at 18 or 19.
>>Subsequent marriages die, usually due to the persons involved never having learned from the first marriage.<<
So true. Good counselors will point out to an individual who is considering divorce that, unless they change something about themselves, they are likely to carry the same mistakes into the next marriage.
Even if the problem was something like their partner’s infidelity or whatever, the question becomes “Why did you pick someone who does that?” Knowing why can help you avoid doing it again.
>>I actually see men jumping into marriages right after divorces more than women.<<
Yes, yes, yes. Some men “need” to be married.
>>The people who can create their own happiness generally make better mates.<<
Very true. Spouses should have some their own interests, and husbands should have guy friends to hang out with, and wives should have gal friends to hang out with. Very rarely is it good if they only do things with each other, or one or both doesn’t hang out with anyone else.
>>Then there are some people who should NEVER marry. They are the ones I feel sorry for. So many people get involved with these types and get hurt. I think these people do much better alone. They do not have the social, emotional, or psychological skills to be married. That does not make them bad people, but different. Unfortunately, our society is geared towards couple hood and that is a shame. Not everyone is cut out for married life.<<
So very true. I only feel sorry for the ones who WANT to be married, but shouldn’t marry. People not cut out for marriage should figure it out and NOT mess with the lives of other people who are seeking to get married.
Since I believe that marriage is sacred, I can’t really go along with some of your implications, which seem to suggest finding a “starter spouse”. I’d rather people simply not marry if they are not truly committed to the long haul. One of the questions I asked myself before I proposed to my wife was “Can you really see yourself being only with her for the rest of your life, through getting older and all of the things that come with it?” Now, it could end up that I was wrong, but I hope not, and I'll do what I can to keep things good.
Of course, I was in my early 30s when I proposed, and had been alone, had dated long-term girlfriends, and had dated around casually. I wasn’t some inexperienced 21-year-old. I had disabused myself of the notion that I had somehow developed growing up that dating should always lead towards a relationship which should always lead to marriage, barring some major infraction like abuse – that “everyone” has serious conflicts and disagreements and drama and you’re supposed to stick together and work through all of that. Life was so much better once I realized that people can be decent people and STILL not be right for each other, and there is no problem with keeping it casual until you determine that there could be a happy, peaceful future with this person and you are compatible in the areas that really matter.
Mistakes are learning curves and are needed in the process of learning. Relationships and marriages take certain skills. Theories are great, but until practiced are just that. We sometimes can only learn these skills by them in doing. A mistake is wasted if the person making the mistake does not learn from it.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to use my marriage as an example, because I thought I was doing everything "right" when I got married. My ex-husband was from a two-parent home. He was in his early 30s. He and I were best friends before marriage and we have similar backgrounds. He was even good friends with my oldest cousin so he was like home to me. He fit all the criteria for a mate for me. My ex-husband agreed with my assessment and we were married.
My ex-husband is now in the process of his second divorce at the age of 48. I am not surprised in the least. He never had the skills or the wherewithal to learn the skills to be married. I am sure he will go through several marriages, because of his mindset. He is not a horrible person. He just should not be married, but he thinks he should be. He may not be totally able to control himself. Our culture, his upbringing, and his genetic predisposition gear him towards marriage. Should he wear a tattoo on his forehead?
Now I did not come from a two-parent household, but I liked being married and was pretty good at it. I have inherent skills that work in a marriage. I am not worried about my next marriage on my end, but marriages are gambles ultimately and I must accept that to. Just like driving a car and taking the chance of being in an accident.