Smell the Roses With Each Other

I always appreciate it when women commentators note the struggles of today's man, especially when it comes to marriage, and offer solutions other than simply "Shut up, bring home the money, buy her flowers, and stop wanting sex!" Dr. Laura rightly points out to women who reject their husbands that they are passing up a good time for themselves, too. Well here's a recent column from Janice Shaw Crouse talking about stress and marital happiness.

Every time I write about marriage, I hear from readers who lament their sexless marriages. The comments are all from men, and they tell of years, sometimes decades, of living together without love, affection, or sexual intimacy.

Unmarried guys hear these accounts, too, and it doesn't encourage them to get married. Hearing guys who got married 40+ years ago, and thus have no clue what it is like today, tell them marriage is great doesn't mitigate this.

Such responses have come so often that I've taken note and relate them to the social science research that reveals even younger couples are increasingly under so much stress that a noticeable number of them are "too tired" for marital intimacy.

So much of our society has told women they need to have careers and children, and that they can do it at the same time. Add in all of the other things, and of course women are tired. Governments dependent on income taxes and businesses relying on more spending (and nonprofits wanting donations) are not going to encourage anyone to drop an income-earning job. Husbands are expected to take on more of work inside the home, in addition of whatever extra time he's putting in at the workplace trying to get ahead. So of course both of them get tired. Largely gone are the day when a man could walk to his job in the same town he lived in, put in a standard work day, and be done - and earn enough to support a family.

Crouse points out that it takes a conscious commitment to keep the marriage healthy. That is part of our marital vows to each other. It is more than simply promising not to have sex with other people. It is about looking after each other.

In other words, though lovemaking may seem like a luxury good that can be deferred without consequences, nothing could be further from the truth. Couples err when they allow the temporary absence of intimacy — during the stressful times that are sure to come — to become the norm of their lives. Those couples that become preoccupied with those things that are considered "necessary" find their existence increasingly dull and their relationship increasingly strained. Ironically, the things that seem so "necessary" at the time often turn out to be of little consequence in the long run.

Exactly. Why, exactly do we do the things we do? Because we think we are supposed to? Have we overextended ourselves? We have if we don't have time for each other. I didn't get married and become a father primarily so that I could spend all of my time and money keeping up appearances. I got married so that I could be a husband to my wife, not a roommate. I became a father so that I could parent a child, not be their mere babysitter and driver and ATM.

Arrested Twice in One Day

Jeffrey Gallo, 32, of Fullerton, California had a bad day recently.

First, he was arrested on suspicion of aggravated assault and domestic violence. Barbara Giasone of The Orange County Register picks up the story.

The incident began at 3 a.m. when Jeffrey Gallo, 32, reportedly argued with his male partner in the 2200 block of Deerpark Drive, said Lt. Craig Brower said.

The partner took off in the vehicle Gallo had been driving.

Then Gallo jumped into a second car and collided with the partner – sending the first car into a tree, police said.

Sounds like true love.

So eight hours later, after being released on bond, he came back to get some belonging from the car in the impound lot.

He allegedly told officers his aunt was the registered owner and had signed a release for Gallo to pick up the car.

But police found the actual registered owner, Brower said, who told an officer she had never signed a release.

Gallo was arrested again, this time on suspicion of forgery, and taken to jail for the second time, Brower said.

They should have booked him and released him to see if he could pull off a hat trick.

If you click through and scroll down, you can find some funny comments from the peanut gallery. Some of the best comments get censored, though.

Mr. Gallo: Get your act together. Part of that will be not obsessing about or getting violent with lovers. If someone drives you that crazy, they aren't right for you.

UPDATE (10am 12/16/2009 PST): I checked earlier this morning, and although I could still see the story listed on the paper's website, the links to the story do not work. I wonder if there is some special reason why?

CRI Back on SoCal Airwaves

To update something I wrote about in September – apparently, as of December, the Bible Answer Man program is back on KKLA 99.5 FM. Instead of an hour-long show at 3pm, it starts at 3:30pm and is half an hour. My guess is that half hour is condensed down from the daily hour-long show. Frank Pastore's show has returned to starting at 4pm.

I caught the start of the broadcast this past Friday. The first thing Hank did is ask for money.

I sure do miss the days when the broadcast would regularly have two co-hosts, usually a combination of Ron Rhodes, Elliot Miller, Ken Samples, and Paul Carden. Friday’s show would be a tape of the late founder, Walter Martin. It was nice to get perspectives from two different people.

Don't Shake the Baby

Yes, there are some great stepfathers out there. Statistically, however, a mother of a minor child who marries (or dates) is raising the risk that her child will be abused or murdered. Mothers of minor children should be wary of the guys willing to date them, and especially so of a guy willing to marry them when they are pregnant with another man's child. Here's another example. Robert J. Lopez reports at LATimes.com on the murder of a 2-month-old.

Santa Monica police have arrested a man in connection with the suspected shaking death of his 2-month-old stepdaughter, authorities said today.

How does a guy have a 2-month-old stepdaughter? He married a woman he knew was pregnant with another guy's baby or just gave birth to another guy's baby? In most cases, that indicates a guy is messed up or otherwise undesirable. Looks like he may have proven that.

Donald Hillman, 33, was arrested Monday by Santa Monica Police Department detectives in North Hollywood, authorities said.

Unless the news reports are missing something, it wasn't like this guy was "trapped" into being a father when he didn't want to be. And no, I'm not saying guys who are have a right to be violent. My point is that he actively, knowingly chose to take on this role, despite the apparent fact that he couldn't handle it. He didn't have to marry the child's mother. He had no legal, social, or moral obligation to do that. If she was conceiving children with someone else less than a year before, how well does he really know her?

Where did the child's mother find this guy? Did she have any indication about how violent he is? I don't see any mention of her in the news.

There were times I was very frustrated dealing with my screaming infants. Males literally have a different natural reaction to screaming babies than women do. But I'd rather pull out my own hair than hurt a baby.

I pray for justice and for some good to somehow come out of this. God has performed larger miracles.

These Studies are Really Pissing Me Off

There's a study that claims to reveal who the angriest Americans are. Here's the article by Andrea Thompson, senior writer at LiveScience.com.

Anger is more likely among the young, those with children at home, and the less educated, a new study finds.

My immediate thoughts...

Young people have raging hormones, less immediate control over their lives (as in, less money and experience), and less experience in dealing with their emotions. Maybe they haven't had time to get to a professional yet who can prescribe emotion-quelling meds to them.

Those with children at home have less sleep, more battles with someone living under the same roof, and more of a stake in the future, and thus are more likely to get angry (and let others know about it) about things that will cause the childless to shrug.

The less educated may be upset about having fewer options.

A national survey of 1,800 Americans aged 18 and older questioned participants on how and when they feel angry in order to build "a broader social portrait of anger in the United States," said study researcher Scott Schieman, now at the University of Toronto.

I'd be interested in a larger sampling.

While anger is a normal human emotion, it could be detrimental if you hold on to it too long. And those who express their anger might actually live longer than those who keep it bottled in, one study found.

The important thing is to find a healthy outlet, as well as to appropriately express anger at things that deserve it.

For one, people under 30 experienced anger of all forms or intensities more frequently than did older adults. This was mainly due to the fact that young people are more likely to be affected by three core stressors that can trigger angry feelings, Schieman said:

* Time pressures
* Economic hardship
* Interpersonal conflict at the workplace

Yup.

Schieman's findings will be detailed in a chapter of the forthcoming International Handbook of Anger, to be released in January 2010.

Now that should be an interesting read. When you buy your copy, try not to throw it at the bookstore clerk.

I'm glad this article doesn't try to say that all anger is bad, because it isn't. In some cases, people who are angry should be asking those who aren't, "Why aren't you angry?" Followers of Christ should note that Jesus demonstrated righteous and appropriate anger, as recorded in the Bible.

Things She Should Have Learned Earlier

Time for another letter sent in to Dear Margo. Trying to Decide wrote:

How much is a person supposed to overlook or adapt to in a boyfriend if he has other great qualities?

The more you have to adapt, the less likely you are with someone who is right for you. All relationships take some level of adaptation from not being in that relationship.

As long as he 1) has all the qualities you need in a partner; 2) doesn't have anything you can't stand in a partner; 3) doesn't have any red flags, and 4) is the best you can do, then you're all good.

But if there is anything about him you couldn't accept for the rest of your life and still be an enthusiastic and supportive partner who loves and respects him, then do not marry him.

I'm dating a really nice guy (divorced), who is smart and interesting and has good values, but is extremely passive - to the point where he lets people push him around.

If that is the case, do you really want to be with someone like that?

I find that a total turnoff.

That's not a good sign. Your partner should turn you on.

For example, if a colleague starts yelling at him for a mistake that was the colleague's fault, he just shrugs and tells her she made the mistake.

That actually sounds like a good way to diffuse the situation.

He is so conflict-averse that he’d rather let it go and believes that easy-going is the way to be.

Choosing your battles is a good thing. We all make mistakes. Once you point out to someone that they made a mistake in yelling at you, why rub it in?

The other thing is that he's really a lousy kisser, though friends say that can be worked on.

How about you teach him? What, was this written by a 15-year-old?

I guess I'm used to the man being dominant and aggressive, which is more of a turn-on.

So go find a guy who is "dominant and aggressive", and don't complain when it is "his way or the highway".

On the other hand, I've been accused of being too picky, and I don't want to get rid of a good guy just to see him snapped up by plenty of other women.

There are other women out there. Get over it. That some other woman may find a good time with him should not be your reason for keeping him. If he's not right for you, let him go. Some other woman will find him to be a great catch.

I think it very hard to be too picky in choosing a partner. If you are too picky, then you are doing the other person a favor by not attaching yourself to them in the first place, remaining single.

I've been divorced twice.

I wouldn't consider you a marriage prospect in that case - would not set you up with someone else I knew, unless you'd been through some serious overhaul in your character.

I'm 61 and have been single for many years, but I'd rather be in a relationship.

61!?! I seriously had the writer pegged as a teen. Good luck! And what does she mean by "relationship" - she wants a guy around to drive her places and buy her stuff? Or does she truly enjoy the ongoing company?

She didn't mention that men are constantly hitting on her. If she really wants to be in a relationship, and this guy isn't keeping her from attracting – or looking for – other possibilities, then why not keep seeing him, as long as she can treat him right and he treats her right? Unless he put a ring on her finger, they are both free to date others, in my book.

Into the Woods - Part 2

Let's get my disclaimer out of the way.

Adultery is wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Even if your wife has broken the marital vows (which involve more than sexual fidelity), even if she is a refuser, even if she says it is okay. Men should not marry a woman and make babies with her unless he can stay faithful.

In this case, we don't know what's going in Tiger Woods' marriage. His wife could be superwife. She could be a nightmare. If she is a nightmare, then we can have a little more understanding for Woods, but we still should condemn adultery.

Based on the reports, it sounds like she committed some serious domestic violence against him. Guess what? Adultery does not justify domestic violence, even if you're still hormonal from having given birth. We, as a society, joke about and even applaud a wife assaulting her husband because he committed adultery. But how would we feel if the sexes were reversed? "But that's different!" Well then, so much for equality.

According to tabloid reports being widely repeated in what passes as serious news dissemination: 1) they are receiving intense marital counseling; 2) Woods has transferred a large seven-figure sum of money into an account she controls in order to get her to stay for now, and 3) she has asked to revise their pre-nup in a way that would be more favorable towards her, especially if she leaves earlier than the 10-year mark.

If that’s true...

1) I pray it is more than just "Shame on you, Tiger. Shame, shame!" Sounds like she needs anger management or some sort of domestic violence counseling. Marital counseling may not do any good, if he's simply not cut out for monogamy, or socially unable or unwilling to fend off groupies, or if he thinks the real problem here is that he chose tramps who couldn't keep their mouths shut. If he thinks he can find a would-be homewrecker who is going to keep her mouth shut about something like this, not even telling her best friend (and that he'd still be attracted to), well, he needs reality counseling.

2) What is she, a whore? If he leaves (or she kicks him out), she'll have financial security anyway. What's with the cash to keep by him? Paying a woman for her mere social presence and/or for sex is called PROSTITUTION.

3) Although I would blast him for adultery, I would also tell Tiger, if I had his ear, not to revise the pre-nup. There's a reason you have a pre-nup in the first place. If she wants to leave, let her leave and live by the conditions to which she agreed when she signed the pre-nup. Why pay an abuser even more money? Practically his whole life, from the moment he could walk, he's been practicing golf. He established himself as one of the world's best golfers before he ever met her. He's the one who goes out and travels and swings the clubs and does endorsements and talks with the media. We're not talking about high school sweethearts, where she worked to support him and pay his tuition as he went to college/graduate school. Why does she deserve any more of his earnings than she is already getting/will get?

Again, adultery is WRONG. But I wouldn't be surprised, given the two recen pregnancies and what that can do, if she got difficult to live with and had cut off the sex. Also, based on past reports about Woods and how he was raised and socialized, he probably has a lot of "issues" to deal with. It was golf, golf, golf, and a crazy, overbearing dad. He didn't even know how to approach a woman to ask her out. That should have been his wife's first clue that there was going to be trouble ahead. He could think of what he's done as "making up for lost time".

These people have two kids. They should admit to themselves and each other what they have done wrong. He should figure out how to stay faithful. She should figure out how to express her anger without violence. And they should raise their kids – together.

And women should stop throwing themselves at - or acquiescing to the advances - of married men. Even if he's rich, famous, talented, and athletic.

Finally... Tiger... just because someone puts a bunch of clams on a plate in front of you doesn't mean you should eat them. Learn these words: "I'm married. I chose to get married. I'm a father. I chose to be a father. I have an obligation to my wife and children. No."

Into the Woods

I don't know a whole lot about Tiger Woods. I know that...

1. He's a famous, great golfer.
2. He's "mixed race". (I think we're all of the human race.)
3. He's made a lot of money. A lot. A...lot.
4. He's got an unbelievably hot wife (see #1,2,3).

I don't know if the recent gossip about him his true, nor do I care. And no, I'm not linking to any site that is posting it.

Let's assume that there are famous, talented, super-rich guys out there who get married to extremely hot women and have kids, and then cheat on their wives – as a certain NBA player on a Los Angeles-based team admitted several years back.

My question is – did these guys not have any idea what they were getting themselves into in the first place when they married? Kobe was fairly young, if I recall... but still... didn't anyone tell him about Wilt Chamberlain?

Why do these guys get married, especially as young as they do? Do their advisors say it is necessary for endorsements? Is it because they want to keep their hot girlfriend? Is it family/church pressure? Is it a desire to contain sex within marriage? Is it the desire to have a wife? Kids? The desire to be a husband and father?

Let's take these one-by-one.

Endorsements. Really? Are unmarried sports stars no good at moving product? Perhaps this was true 50 years ago. But really – could this still possibly be a reason?

Keeping a Girlfriend. I don't care how hot she is. I don't care what she does in bed. If a guy doesn't want to be a husband, he should not marry. If the hotness or sexual abilities of his girlfriend is what is so important to a guy and that is what really matters to him, he's going to be able to find plenty of others. Let her go, or at least call her bluff - if she is bluffing.

Family or Church Pressure. I can see this. But if you care so much about what your family wants or what your church says, you shouldn't be getting involved in adultery. Most families don't think well of that, after all - even when they are doing it.

Containing Sex Within Marriage. See above.

Desire to Have a Wife/Kids. If you're going to bring other people into your life in such a way, respect them and care about them. Part of that means saying "no" to adultery.

Desire to Be a Husband and Father. This is different than the previous reason, which is about acquiring. This is about being and giving. And again, part of that being and giving involves fidelity.

None of us really knows what it is like to be in these marriages. For all we know, the wives are frigid and extremely difficult people. Being physically stunning, while it can be arousing, doesn't necessarily translate to being a good lover, or an available one. Even so, adultery is still wrong. But the adultery is what we hear about, not the violation, if any, of the marital vows on the part of the other spouse.

Again, though, did these guys not know what they were getting themselves into? That there were going to be women throwing themselves at them? If a guy can't handle that, then he shouldn't marry and make babies. Likewise, if a woman can't handle the fact that women are going to be throwing themselves at their husband, then they shouldn't marry him and make babies with him.

It has to be difficult for even the most devoted man to deal with the temptation. It has to be difficult for even the most secure woman to deal with knowing that temptations are everywhere for her husband. Pop stars, movie stars, sports stars, trust fund kids... young females will literally expose themselves to these guys and jump on them.

Finally – shame on anyone who is throwing themselves at a married person.

This Thanksgiving...

You're likely to find yourself a nice, big family meal tomorrow. You may be the one preparing it - and if so, bless you! If, at that meal, you find yourself sitting with a relative or family friend who is an unmarried adult male (in a relationship or not), chances are that someone at the table, especially a person with a vagina, is going to bring up the fact that the male is unmarried. This will be done in a way to subtly or not-so-subtly pressure that male to marry.

Please do not encourage that pressure. Please consider deflecting the pressure by changing the subject, or outright countering it. If you really want to stir the pot, bring up some marital nightmare someone is going through or just went through - it would be especially... bold? mean? to refer to someone at the table. Even talking about a celebrity will work, but it would probably be best to mention a situation familiar to those at the table, like one involving family friends not present at the meal.

Some men are already on a marriage strike. Don't encourage them to go on a Family Meal strike, too, which is what they should do if they can't get together with their relatives without being hounded about getting married.

Some unmarried men have very good reasons for being unmarried. Would you like them to turn the Thanksgiving meal into a depressing discussion on the state of marriage in Western culture? Probably not.

There's a good message over at The Playful Walrus from last year about this very topic.

It doesn't take maturity to get married. It doesn't take maturity to knock a girl up. It doesn't take maturity to "buy" a home one can't afford – which is what so many people did in recent years with perilous results. It is immature to marry strictly to avoid being alone. It is immature to marry the wrong woman because of desperation or a lack of clarity or because she nagged you into it. It is immature to conceive children when unprepared to deal with them.

Oh... and I'm guessing the childless (especially the unmarried) ladies don't want to be reminded about their "ticking clock", either. Talk turkey instead. And football. And Black Friday sales.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Women Fail to Pull Their Corporate Share

Ladies, you have apparently been slacking off at the office, and as such, you have failed to reach executive positions in the top publicly traded companies in California in the numbers you "should" have.

Okay, so I'm kidding by twisting this story around in an effort to get your attention. Nathan Olivarez-Giles reports in the Los Angeles Times that top female execs in these companies are still "rare" according to a study.

Citing "a bleak picture of the progress of women in corporate leadership" over the last five years, the report said that women held just 10.6% of executive positions and board seats at the state's biggest companies this year, a slight decline over 2008.

And yet women outnumber men as students in higher education. So what is going on? Is it sexism, or are women holding themselves back (including spending too much time in higher education), or is it just taking time for women to filter up...or is it a combination of these things?

And what are the stats on women in smaller businesses, sole proprietorships, and public sector jobs? I wouldn't be surprised if women actually hold more shares of these companies than men, especially through retirement investments such as mutual funds, as women are more likely to outlive their husbands.

The survey of California's 400 largest publicly traded companies by UC Davis and a women's advocacy and networking organization found that the number of women in top leadership positions had barely budged since the study began in 2005.

What, so in four years you expected major changes?

The reasons for the stagnation are complex, said Wendy Beecham, chief executive of the Forum for Women Entrepreneurs and Executives, which helped UC Davis produce the study.

Part of the problem, she said, is that women don't always have role models or mentors to help them advance in corporate careers.

It can be worse than that. Women I know have told me they think it typical of women they work under to stab them in the back. If women are doing this more than men, they are holding each other back.

Also, she said, people tend to hire those who are like themselves.

That's what I mentioned with the filtering up. Although, smart business people like to hire someone who has skills they don't, to fill a need.

In general, smart businesspeople care most about what a person can do for the business, not their skin color, sex, or whatever, unless that is integral to the position.

The filtering up takes time, unfortunately.

Of the companies surveyed, 15, or 3.8%, have female chief executives, up from 13 in 2008, the report said. Women hold 9.8% of the 3,252 board seats at the firms.

Almost half, 46.3%, of the companies have no female directors, and 30% had no female directors or top executives.

I know I have ladies reading this blog. What do you think?

I think we'll eventually see more women in those executive positions, but I doubt it will ever be 50/50. The fact is, women carry, birth, and nurse babies – men don't; there are also other biological and socioligical factors at play. That doesn't mean there aren't (and won’t be a lot more) excellent female executives; it just means that when you are dealing with the world as a whole (or in this case, a large state), the fact that men and women are different does have an impact. Even with truly equal opportunity, not everyone is going to take opportunities in an identical way or use them in an identical way. Throw in barriers to equal opportunity, and the disparity is even more pronounced.

Another Day Orphanage Horror Story

I haven't been getting around to Dear Margo enough lately, because there are more important things to do than publish my opinions on advice column content in this obscure online outlet. But here I am.

Disgusted in Ohio wrote:

My first cousin, "Lily," is a living, breathing waste of space. This girl had her first child at 15, her second at 17.

That's not a waste! I need someone to do the hard labor that I don't want to do, or ring up my purchases, and do it for cheap. Statistically, she and her children will be more likely than others to end up with jobs in those categories.

Subsequently, she's had two more.

Great. Another example of one of the reasons guys who are just looking for sex and don't want to be fathers should avoid single mothers.

When her first child was 4 months old, Lily’s mother died, and she came to live with our family, along with the baby.

Where was her father? Looks like she is repeating the cycle.

My mom did everything she could to help them, even quitting her job to watch Lily's child while Lily went to high school full time.

That was a mistake on your mother's part.

Lily never cared for her child.

She didn't have to. She had an enabler. And this is why she had more. And more than one guy thought it was a good idea to knock her up.

She stole checks from her roommate and ended up in jail.

Not surprising.

Fast-forward: Her oldest child was adopted by my parents and is now my 12-year-old brother.

Lucky boy.

Her second child was adopted by other family members. The third child, which she had while incarcerated, was adopted by a couple in my hometown, and the fourth child's paternal grandparents took custody because she was such a poor mother.

All of those children are probably better off. And at least she didn't have her kids slaughtered.

The reason I'm writing is, after all of this, I've learned that Lily is providing a DAY CARE service in her home.

Is that really so surprising? How many criminals end up doing paid or voluntary work related to their past criminal behavior – for ill or for good? How many people who have been involved in some sort of dysfunction or immorality have made a career based on talking about it or doing some work related to it? The thing is, she knows how some of her customers feel. They want someone else to take care of their kids, which is just how she felt.

She's gallivanting around, making people think she's a wonderful person and a caring "mother" to her boyfriend's children, even though her criminal record would make it impossible for her to obtain licensure in the state of Ohio.

Her boyfriend's children. Yup... more chaos. This guy, who apparently knocked up a woman more than once when it wasn't the right person or conditions, now leaves his children in the care of this woman. It's bad enough that he thinks having sex with her is a good idea (especially after she had four children), but to leave his own kids in her care?

I really think the parents of the children she "cares for" deserve to know who is watching their children.

They're free to ask to see her daycare license.

I'm requesting two things of you: First, I'm wondering whether there are any agencies I can contact about putting a stop to this. Second, please remind your readers to be very careful about with whom they leave their children.

Things are pretty bad when people need Dear Margo to remind them of that. If the children are being neglected or otherwise abused, call your local child protective services agency.

Leaving children in the care of strangers should be an absolute last resort. Most of the people who "need" to leave their children in day care have decided poorly about many things up to that point. People who make good decisions about education, career and if, who, and when to marry, and if and when to have children almost never “need” day care.

Cubs Check In

Dear Abby printed her follow up on "cougars" – responses from men in what they see in older women. Some of the situations stretch the prevailing concept of "cougar/cub", but it's all woman-older-than-the-man. Here's my entry discussing the previous column on cougars.

SAN DIEGO READER wrote:

Abby, cougars are nothing new. They're simply out of the closet.

That may be true, but I think there are more of them now.

WILLIAM IN MARYLAND wrote:

Older women are more established and more interested in fostering personal relationships.

That’s true in some cases. In other cases, the guy isn't looking for a relationship. He's looking for some fun with someone who either can't get pregnant or knows how to prevent pregnancy – someone with experience who won't ask, "Where is this relationship going?" like a woman his own age might.

STILL GRIEVING IN KILLEEN, TEXAS wrote:

On my 25th birthday, I met a woman who was 10 years older than me. We were both just looking for someone to have fun with. Six months later we were married. We were still together 45 years later when she passed away. I wouldn't trade our years together for anything because we were friends and able to talk about anything to each other.

How sweet, and very beautiful.

If you find someone you are comfortable with, don't let the calendar get in your way.

That's where I disagree. Comfort is a necessity. But it is just one. Age matters, especially if someone wants to have children. For example, these women getting pregnant by geezers are most likely setting things up in a way that will deprive the children of their father.

JOHN IN GRAND MARAIS, MINN. wrote:

"'Cougar' in New York" answered her own question when she said, "I am a caring, fun person who loves music and dancing." Women like her are attractive at any age.

Yes. Well, I'm not really sure how many straight American males really like recreational dancing for the sake of dancing. Guys tend to use dancing as an excuse to rub up against women they don't know, or go along with dancing to please a woman they are already with. Now, if she likes to dance for her man in private, that's another story entirely.

It's the lack of older men who can keep up with them that makes "cougars" available to younger guys!

It's not so much that the older men can't keep up with them. The older men are working or are with younger women or are doing other things - things they want to do. They don't want to dance.

With very few exceptions, no, an older woman is not as hot as a woman who is a fit 18-25 years old and hasn't had kids. Men are visual creatures who need to be turned on to function, and like just about all males in the animal kingdom, men are expected to do the pursuing. So female physical beauty matters more than male in the dating game. That's nature. Wrinkles, fat, sag, scars, stretch marks, spots, and other skin problems take their toll and make a difference. HOWEVER, older women can be more attractive overall because of their experience, personality, social skills, understanding of men, kitchen skills, bedroom skills, knowing what they want, and independence. And when it comes to an established marriage, a wife who keeps herself somewhat in shape and presentable and treats her man right is going to be much more attractive to him than some young flirty tart with all the right curves.

It's a free country. Unmarried adults are free to date other unmarried adults, whatever their age differences – and others people should not harass them or disparage them doing so based solely on the age difference. Now, if one of them has minor children, I would discourage dating anyone of any age. But that's another blog entry. If my mother or sister started dating a younger guy, it wouldn't bother me.

Hey, Trust Me!

I'm fascinated by con artists, fakes, frauds, and scammers who mostly rely on human nature to pull of their scams. For example, they simply behave as though they belong some place that they don't and thus gain access they shouldn’t. Perhaps they’ve created a false background for themselves, especially with apparent connections to the rich and powerful. Sometimes, they "fake it until they make it". I've actually encountered a few con artists of this sort in-person – thankfully, I haven't lost any money or credibility to them.

I know of one that got caught in his lies and exposed and disappeared off the face of the planet, but only after gaining access to restricted properties and rubbing elbows with industry titans.

I know of another who is still going strong. He sells stuff online, and most customers seem to be happy, though every now and then I'll come across someone who didn't get the products for which they paid. This guy used a fake background and nonexistent business partners to launch his business. Actually, as far as I can tell, he is doing some good work, but I can't help but look at his work and think about how it was all enabled by fraudulent claims this guy made about himself.

Another person I know creates different personas for himself and appears on game shows, "reality" television, and entertainment news segments where he can keep his face concealed (providing "scandalous" information). I already knew to be skeptical about what I see on television that is supposedly "real", but now I know even more.

You see these tactics to a lesser extent with guys who are just looking to score with some woman they don't know. For example, my father told me of a guy who would go shoot pool with a buddy and would talk with his buddy as if he was a gynecologist. Women he didn't know would approach him to discuss their personal situations, and of course one thing would lead to another...

I bring this up because recently, Richard Winton had an article in the Los Angeles Times about a con artist.

Los Angeles police detectives said a smooth-talking con artist has used an elaborate scheme to steal thousands of dollars in cash and belongings from a salsa band, one of Israel's top basketball teams and Mexico's Chivas soccer team.

Investigators allege that the man used websites and social media to learn about visiting teams, artists and tourists' movements in downtown Los Angeles, then charmed his way into their private hotel rooms and suites when the visitors were away.

"These out-of-town visitors are often unfamiliar with their surroundings and are often carrying lots of cash," Police Lt. Paul Vernon said.

And, of course, the visitors think the con is with the facility or host, and the facility or host thinks the con is with the visitors.

This is a little like crashing a wedding. The groom's guests will think you know the bride, and vice-versa. I heard a caller to a radio show say he and his buddies would hook up with women by noting in the news when a young person around their ages had passed away, showing up at the services, and then pretending to have been friends of the deceased. Grieving young women, already emotional and looking for comfort, feel a connection to another mourner. And how many of us know all of our friend's or coworker's or cousin's friends?

These people take advantage of people having their guards down, confusion, and unfamiliarity – as well as people wanting to believe well of others and not wanting to seem rude or mean or step on the wrong toes. Sometimes, like a lot of "psychics", these people are very good at reading body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, and taking hints from your appearance, and picking up things you've said in front of them that you don't even remember you said.

Whether meeting a potential love interest, going on vacation, throwing a party, or hiring someone, there are ways to safeguard against this sort of thing, and sometimes, we should. Con artists range from silly to murderous.

Leaving the Brat Behind

The earlier in life problem person turns his life around, the better. LOVESICK IN KENNEWICK, WASH. wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a 16-year-old guy in my sophomore year of high school. I am known as a friendly, outgoing guy who gets along with girls.

Great.

My problem is, I used to be one of the biggest jerks who ever was. I was involved in fighting and other things I won't go into. But I turned my life around.

Good for you.

In my youth, I got into scuffles with one guy who was a year older/ahead of me in school. We used to be on the same team in a sport outside of school. When I was in eighth grade, and thus my last year of junior high, his parents shipped him off somewhere. But I didn't notice, as people were joining and dropping off the team all of the time, and I just assumed he was busy over at the high school in 9th grade.

After I got to high school, there he was – because he was only gone for a year. I didn't have problems with him anymore, but that change really didn't hit me at first. The pieces were put together when we had this big two-day motivational seminar at school. No kidding – in addition to all of the assemblies telling us we should have self-esteem, that we should be nice to each other, and that we shouldn't do drugs – we took TWO DAYS of a break in classes to have a bunch of feel-good pow-wows. One of those was this big session in the gym where half the school was having a group hug while the other half was taking various "classes" (like one on how to use condoms). I suppose these things were supposed to make up for driving references to Christianity away and telling us we're nothing but mutated slime. But, of course, they couldn't tell us why we should feel good about life and be nice – just that we should.

But I digress from my digression.

So in this big group hug session, some stranger who got paid big bucks spoke for a while, telling us we were all okay, and we should be nice to each other. Mind you, I never touched drugs, but this stuff could have driven me to try them. Since he didn't want to do any more work than he was required to, the speaker then had an open mic session to let students, who were not being paid, get up and pour out their hearts in front of half of the school (or, at least, half the school minus those who were ditching).

Up to the mic went my old sparring partner, who thanked everyone for noticing he was a different person since he came back from his time away. It finally all made sense to me. I guess I had figured had simply matured while in 9th grade, but it was more than that. His parents sent him somewhere to – I don’t know... deal with his issues, learn anger management, figure out which drugs to take... I have no idea. I don't know if he was at military school, mental hospital, Chinese slave labor camp, or some secret isolated religious camp. Whatever they did, it worked. At least, it did for the next few years. I have no idea what became of this guy after high school. For all I know he had his penis cut off and got boob implants and female hormones. I tried to look him up online, but it turns out there are a lot of people with that name, and most of the Facebook hits don't have pictures and do not reveal any info.

What I do know is that he didn't cause any trouble for anyone the rest of his time at high school. ...Or, maybe he learned to privately kill all of his enemies and dispose of the evidence so that nobody caught on.

As for me, I used to get into trouble mostly when I was in elementary school. I got better in junior high, and even better in high school, to the point where I'd stuff my emotions and even let people assault me rather than losing my temper and responding... becaue that would be "fighting" and wrong.

Anyway, the point of this digression is that kids can change.

I was going out with an amazing girl, "Samantha." She always kept me in line, but was sweet about it. Recently, because I was ashamed of my past, I lied to her. She found out about it and, needless to say, she was very hurt. When I saw how hurt she was, I was sick to my stomach knowing how much pain I had caused such a trusting girl.

It could be a good sign that he was sick to his stomach – it could mean that he has a conscience and hated that he hurt her. Or, he could be feeling guilty about his past and upset that it still haunts him.

I don't know much about where he lives – only what's on Wikipedia. But most likely, he's not going to see much of this girl once they graduate. He doesn't say whether or not they are having sex. Based on what was printed of his letter and what wasn't printed, he sounds like he could be falling into the "friend" category with all the girls at the school, and that could be a problem if he stays in that pattern into his adult years and then tries to look for a wife, or puts himself in the clutches of some schemer.

My best advice would be for this kid to avoid sex at that age anyway, focus on studies, hobbies, family, and his MALE friends, and don't be so serious with any of the girls at the school. He appears to really care about this girl, and she sounds like a decent human being, so he should apologize to her, tell her he's changed (as she should be able to see), and that he still has a hard time with his past following him around and shaming him. And do both himself and this girl a favor by not getting so deep with her.

My guess is that this guy doesn't have an available father, which would help explain the past behavior and his writing to freakin' Dear Abby with this question rather than getting what he needed from his old man.

Off Goes Mommy

Another one bites the dust. SHAKEN IN VIRGINIA wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm a 16-year-old girl whose parents have been married for almost 19 years. Mom started school two years ago to become a nurse.

Depending on the father’s schedule, this can be a good thing or a bad thing. Yes, 14, 15, 16-year-olds can dress themselves, cook for themselves, and get around. But they still need supervision, guidance, and protection.

She has always been an independent woman, but since she went back to school and is making her own money, she feels the need to be more free.

Unless there is a legally enforceable prenup provision saying otherwise, that money is not hers. It is community property, and belongs to the family.

Mom works eight to 12 hours a day. She leaves early and comes home late. She never stays for dinner when she's home, nor does she do anything with us as a family anymore. She used to work in the same study as my dad, but she moved upstairs. She also won't sleep in the same bed as Dad.

Sounds like she has given up on the marriage, and the family.

Mom is seeing a marriage counselor, and she wants a divorce and to move away.

Uh, yeah.

She says nothing is broken in the marriage and there's nothing to fix -- but why does she want to leave?

Either she doesn't want to tell you why she hates your father and is sick of being a mother, or she doesn't want to admit that she's got problems of her own and is throwing away a good thing. People don't leave "unbroken" marriages and their own children unless they are making big mistakes.

She promises she won't see less of us, but she will be more than a half-hour away.

Yeah, a lot of people say they won't see any less of their kids, but the reality of divorce is almost always different.

She works nonstop and is constantly going out with her friends.

Where did your dad find this woman? Do you have a nineteen year-old sibling you didn't mention?

Is there any way I can stop her from going?

Chains. But that would be illegal.

Am I selfish for wanting her to stay?

Not in a bad way. As her minor child, she is obligated to you.

Dear Abby generally said the same thing, but also said:

While you can't stop your mother from leaving, you can ask her if you can join her during a couple of her therapy sessions so you can air your feelings in a safe environment and get some of the answers you're looking for.

What answers could possibly help? As for going to the counselor - either her mother will feel guilty, and still leave, or she won't feel guilty, and will still leave. The girl can go to her own counselor. Whatever this counselor is doing is not working.

Geez, people – mother or fathers – at least wait until your children are all grown. You created that home. You chose your partner. Your child didn't consent to the situation.

There's not a word in the printed letter about how this girl's father treats her. Hopefully, he's a good guy whose biggest flaw was picking the wrong woman.

I Have Nothing Against Cats

In Dudley, Massachusetts, reports Kim Ring, voters have made it illegal to own more than three cats without a kennel license.

I wonder if the application for the license gives makes you choose one of the following three identities:

1. Spinster
2. Crazy
3. Gay male?

Hey, I could have made the humor about this one a lot cruder.

As the title says, I have nothing against cats. We had cats while growing up (no more than two at time), but we also had dogs. I also kind of adopted a cat in the waning years of my bachelorhood, and one of my girlfriends had a cat that got along with me.

BUT... if I was a single man looking for a wife, I'd be wary of a woman with more than two cats. Unfortunately for some women, it becomes sort of a cycle that feeds itself... she has too many cats, and men shy away... and then she gets more cats because men shy away from her. So if you're one of those rare women that is just looking for sex and don't want men to pursue you for commitment, then perhaps you should own a lot of cats.

Holding a Partner Hostage

Dear Abby printed a couple of letters that caught my eye.

TROUBLE IN SALINAS, CALIF. wrote:

For the last two years I have been going out with a guy I'll call "Ricky."

From what the letter says later, it sounds like Ricky is a minor - a kid. Two years is a long time.

My problem is I don't love him anymore. A few weeks ago I told him I no longer wanted to be with him, and he started crying. He scared me when he said his life was in my hands.

It is not uncommon for teens to feel that way, especially if they've never had a relationship before. Add in that this kid doesn't live with his dad, and you probably have a guy who is far removed from his masculinity. With his mom working, he is desperate for someone to talk with, and so he latched on to this girl. He probably fawns all over her, and even if he was otherwise okay, she'd still probably grow bored with him.

He wants to marry me, and I don't want to lie and say I will. It disturbs me that he still wants to be together even though he knows I'm not happy with him. He believes that if he's happy, I will be, too.

He may be suicidal, as indicated by saying his life was in her hands. She should take him with her to a school counselor, and then tell the counselor what he said. Then, she should leave and it will morally and legally be in the counselor's hands.

Dear Abby responded:

Call his mother, tell her that you are ending the relationship and that he isn't taking it well. She's in a better position to see he gets emotional and psychological support than you are.

That might be a way to handle it, but what she going to do? Quit working?

Take him to the counselor. Adults who find themselves dealing with someone who threatens or hints at suicide if they are dumped should definitely do that. Set up a joint session with a licensed therapist, if not an actual psychiatrist. Start off the session explaining your concerns, tell the other person it is over, and leave. It will be in the hands of the therapist.

Well, on to the real gem of this installment, where someone is discussing an even more devious way of holding someone hostage than threatening to kill yourself...

KNOWS TOO MUCH IN BETHESDA wrote:

My best friend, "Heather," is trying to trick her husband into having another child.

Ah, yes. Now there's real intimacy. Trying to trick your husband into taking on another child, and telling other people about it.

Now, I know there is a school of thought out there that married couples should always welcome children and should not do anything to avoid conceiving children. By golly, they should probably be careful to let sperm optimally mature in his testicles until the time when she's going to be most fertile, and then go at it – in one position only. He should have intercourse with her at each ovulation, and, if he has intercourse with her, then he's virtually demanding more children. (If he doesn't have intercourse with her right then, then he's evil.)

But the majority of married couples don't subscribe to that thinking. I agree with Dr. Laura here – if one of them says "no", the change (which, in this case, would be going for another pregnancy) is a no-go. There are various forms of contraception, and if a wife is leading her husband to believe she is on contraception, she should not be on contraception.

They already have one, but he doesn't think they can handle two.

Maybe they can't. Kids are very time, money, and energy-consuming. Or, she might enjoy pregnancy and being a mother while he might have found that being a father is more than difficult enough with one child, and that his wife being pregnant, then postpartum and nursing and occupied with a baby - makes life hell for him. Pregnancy doesn't just do things to a wife's body (I found my wife especially beautiful and sexy while pregnant, but some men don't have the same reaction), it does things to her moods and her libido. It limits what she can do in general. And that's just the pregnancy. There's at least 18 years of intense involvement after that.

They have been fighting about this, and it has created problems in their marriage.

That's pretty common.

Heather confided to me recently that she is going to stop using birth control "just to see what will happen," and I'm pretty sure she's not going to tell her husband first.

There are many women out there – married or not – who lie by omission or commission about taking contraception. It's a rotten thing to do, and any man who either does not want to be a father or doesn't want any more children should get snipped and make sure his sperm count is zero. He can always bank some sperm if he thinks he may change his mind later.

While I condemn murder, certain things make a woman more likely to be a murder victim. How many women have been killed because they lied about contraception or their fertility? Okay, they were killed because the guy was a murderer, but you can see what I mean. While the guy may be caught and convicted, the victim and her baby are still dead.

Should I tell him, or keep my mouth shut and act surprised when Heather gets pregnant?

The wife made it this woman's business by telling her. It's pretty messed up, but again – all too common, that the wife has more intimacy with this woman than her own husband. So my advice would be YES, tell him. The wife may drop their friendship, but the wife shouldn't have said anything anyway, and has no moral ground to stand when she is telling other people she is thinking about deceiving her husband about something so important.

Dear Abby agreed.

Credit News

I’m the kind of guy who pays off my credit cards every month, and only uses credit cards that don’t have annual fees or some other charges other than late fees or interest. I don’t buy stuff I can’t afford. My wife is the same way.That’s one of the reasons I married her.

So what that means is that money essentially sits in our accounts, earning interest for us, and the credit card companies pay us some of the money they collect from people who aren’t like us, in the form of cash back or rewards.

Hover recent legislation to help out people who buy things they can’t afford is prompted credit card companies to make the difference by punishing people like me, as Sandra Block reported in USA Today.

Starting next year, Bank of America will charge a small number of customers an annual fee, ranging from $29 to $99. The bank has characterized the fee as experimental. But card holders who have never carried a balance or paid late fees could be among those affected.

Citigroup, meanwhile, has started charging annual fees to card holders who don't put more than a specific amount on their cards, typically $2,400 a year. Other banks are charging inactivity fees if customers don't use their credit cards during a specific period of time. You heard that right: You could be spanked for staying out of debt.

Ain't that wonderful? All is not lost though.

For example, the Fidelity Rewards American Express card pays 2% of cash back to a Fidelity account, with no limits on cash rewards and no annual fee.

If you don't care about rewards and just want a credit card that doesn't charge an annual fee, consider applying for a card through a credit union. Many credit union cards charge no annual fee and offer below-average interest rates.

Associations, such as the USAA, which provides products and services for military personnel and their families, also offer good deals on credit cards, according to Consumer Reports.

Check out the whole story for more tips.

If all my cards end up charging a fee because I stay out of debt, I will simply drop them and use my credit union debit card, which I can use just about anywhere without paying any fees. Sure, my credit score will go down, but I'm not planning on moving and I'll save up and buy my next car with cash which is what I did with the last car we purchased.

I would be more apt to stick with a credit card if the company dropped cash back or other rewards instead of charging people like me fees. It is their choice what they want to do with their cards. It is my choice whether or not I will keep using them.

Marriage Should Mean Lots of Lovin’

S.O.S. IN THOUSAND OAKS, CALIFORNIA wrote in to Dear Abby:

I have been married two years to a wonderful man, but we're having problems in the bedroom.

Most people do at some point. One thing those of us who promote the principle that sex is for marriage should never do is downplay this fact to youth. We should not give them the idea that married sex is always spectacular simply because it is within marriage.

Both of us are very uncomfortable talking about our feelings, especially when it comes to sex, and I just can't explain to him what I want him to do and vice versa.

Yes, that is a big problem.

I have tried many times to say things indirectly but have never been successful.

That doesn't work with men in any other area of life, and it won't work in lovemaking, either. You need to be direct, but not in a way that puts him down. Tell him what he does that you like. Say "I need more of that" or "You really make me hot for your bod when you..." Other helpful things to say:

"That feels good."
"Rougher/harder"
"Softer/gentler"
"Take me!"
"Slower"
"Faster"
"I need you inside me right now."
"Lick me here."
"Touch me here."
"Just like that! Keep doing that."
"I'm almost there."
"Please put on this costume. I will make it worth your while."

Direct him with your hands, if you need to. Most guys love this sort of thing – in fact, it turns us on. A good husband wants to be your bedroom hero.

I can't talk to him directly because I am very embarrassed.

Embarrassed about what? You're married. He wanted you. You wanted him. You are supposed to have intimacy. You should be doing this stuff with each other and having the time of your lives doing it. God says so in the Bible, so if you care at all what the Bible has to say, then it is your duty to love each other in this way.

This has started to destroy our marriage, and now we generally prefer to sleep alone so that we don't have to have sex.

That's too bad. He wants to please you. He doesn't want to disappoint you. But in order to please you, he needs to know exactly what to do, and he can only figure that if you tell him. You may not even know yourself, in which case it will take a lot of experimentation and practice – which is part of the fun, and part of the bonding and growing together as bride and groom.

Dear Abby responded:

Please talk to your doctor and ask for a referral to a licensed, experienced sex therapist.

I would specifically look for one that believes 1) sex is for marriage and 2) men are not wrong for wanting sex more than women and 3) would not recommend anything that would cause either of you to lust after others. (Try asking your pastor, if you have one, as pastors often deal with married couples having problems, and can recommend a good therapist.) There are plenty of great resources from people who take this approach. Here's a good place to start and these people know what they are talking about.

I could stand to be better at telling my wife what I want. I've always been a little shy about that, and then she has shot down some things I have made clear, which isn't exactly encouraging. I'm way too sensitive in that respect, I think.

Craving

This is another entry on sex. If you can't handle that, then click away.

Through what is these days a rare confluence of events, my wife went to bed for sleep the same time I did the other night. This allowed us to have some quality time together, alone, without there being a time limit. Unfortunately some of her body is still off-limits. The upside of this (uh, no pun intended) is that such a situation forces me to get creative and act like we are making out with boundaries... because we are. This time, that meant spending a lot of time kissing, nibbling, and otherwise using my mouth and fingers to create sensations on/in her mouth and all about her head and neck.

That's a lot of fun, and gets very passionate. (Try it sometime if you have been married a while and the lovemaking is getting routine. Just stick to kissing and touching from the neck up for as long as you can stand to not to anything else.)

She was really digging it, and I was manually trying to bring her to orgasm even though she was covered "down there".

Unfortunately, there are times when my wife just can't quite get there, even without being covered. She thinks it has something to do with her disability, and she swears it isn't a problem for her, despite advice from a woman I once read in a lad mag that said it wasn't OK to not bring her to the big O (in other words, the advice was ALWAYS bring her to the big O).

In my past relationships, my partner almost always got there. I have told my wife, just like I have told all of my previous partners: never, ever fake it. If it just isn't going to happen, tell me. If I need to do something different, tell me. But faking it is a very bad idea.

For me, it is much more difficult to get a woman there (and my wife is the only woman that matters in that respect now) if I can't get d0wn there with my mouth. And even when my wife just isn't going to reach that peak, I still enjoy "practicing" that way. I don't know how I got like this, but there's almost nothing I enjoy more.

Anyway, it was a good time. Certainly better than nothing, and better than simply having her "work" to get me off out of a sense of duty. When I'm not permitted to reciprocate I feel an obligation to make it end as soon as possible, and so it is less enjoyable. That, unfortunately, has been what has been going on for a while now due to temporary conditions.

Bottom line: I look forward to when I can return to having my wife's thighs clamp my head.