Did You Knock Up Alison Le Anne Ebert?

If so, pal, then I just want to know what the hell you were thinking. Ruben Vives reports on an LATimes.com blog about her alleged wrongdoings.

A 35-year-old Cypress mother of three was arrested for allegedly leaving her two children home alone in a house filled knee-high with trash, bugs and maggots, authorities said today.

Police found the children Tuesday living in "deplorable" conditions, said Sgt. Tom Bruce of the Cypress Police Department.

Oh, come on. How bad could it have been?

"Frozen bugs were inside the refrigerator and the toilets were overflowing with human feces," Bruce said.

Yeah, that's pretty bad. As messy as I ever was, I drew the line at freezing bugs. (Seriously, I was messy in the sense of letting mail and clothes pile up, but I never left food around or let bugs stick around.)

But hey, maybe she was out there working in a desperate attempt to afford better living conditions? Read on...

Their mother, Alison Le Anne Ebert, turned herself in to police, allegedly telling officers she had been smoking marijuana at "some dude's house," was addicted to methamphetamine and felt lazy and depressed.

Sounds like a party. Now why would someone feel lazy and depressed after engaging in those activities?

When officers arrived, they found two girls, ages 9 and 11, inside the home, Bruce said.

The two girls were placed under the care of Orange County Child Protective Services, Bruce said, adding that a third child, a 15-year-old girl who had been staying at a relative's home, also was taken into protective custody.

But come on - was it really that bad there?

City code enforcement officers deemed the house uninhabitable.

Okay, yes, I guess it was really bad.

I'm thinking perhaps the 15-year-old or the relative she was staying with made the tip-off call. If not, I'd like to know why the relative didn't do anything.

Ebert, who earns "two thumbs down", has three kids and there's no mention of a husband, ex-husband, or even a shack up. At least one guy (possibly three guys – or more if she had miscarriages or abortions) not only thought this woman was sex partner material, but didn't take enough precautions to prevent knocking her up.

Okay, so you made some mistakes, guy.

But did you have to leave your kid(s) with her to let them exist in those conditions?

I'm in no way letting her off the hook, but c'mon fellas... let's be a little more careful with our genetic material and our offspring, shall we? I pray to God those kids get the help they need. I would be very interesting in knowing the status of the biodads and whether or not they sought custody or visitation, and how the courts ruled if they did.

I'm sure there will be more about this in tomorrow's paper. Or maybe not. The newsroom is shrinking daily.

What Could Have Been

"If you decide not to choose you still have made a choice." – Neil Peart, "Freewill"

I heard Dr. Laura make a good point on her show recently to a caller who kept questioning herself regarding whether or not she missed out on something because she married young.

Dr. Laura put the questions the caller had to rest: Yes, she did miss out on some things. But that is true of any choice. We have to make choices, and when we do, we unavoidably are choosing to miss out on something else. But often, you have also been able to experience some good things you wouldn't have otherwise.

The woman who married young is thinking that she missed on some things she would have liked, perhaps such things as getting to know other men, spending more time with friends, perhaps getting more education or more career advancement, and traveling. As Dr. Laura pointed out, she likely missed out on some bad things, too – maybe getting dumped by guys who mislead her, STDs, unplanned and unwed pregnancies, etc.

Some would try to convince you that you didn't miss out on anything, but I think Dr. Laura has it right. All of us miss out on some things - good and bad - by the choices we make. You can't take back a choice, either, though you can, in some cases, change the direction in which you are going.

This caller said she had a great husband and was happy with him, so it wasn't her expressing regret over having not married as well as she could have.

That’s something I wanted to write about.

One of the cruel truths (to women, anyway) about our society and human nature is that women "lose value" as they get older and men tend to gain value, at least when it comes to dating, sex, marriage, etc. Clearly, women, like men, tend to gain value with experience as employees, friends, parents, grandparents, leaders, etc. But when it comes to marrying, women do face a pressure in their choices that men do not.

Please do not hate me for writing the truth here, ladies. I'm not one of those guys who only finds 19-year-olds attractive. In my rebellious years, long before my wife came into my life, I fell in love (lust?) with a much older woman while still a teenager, and subsequently dated women significantly older than me as well as dating women around my age and few years younger. Why? Well, that’s another blog entry. But in general, established men who are looking for women – whether merely for sex or for marriage – prefer younger, hotter women. That is the way men are wired. We are visual creatures, and the less sagging, gray hair, blemishes, scarring, wrinkling, etc. there is, the better. (I'm talking in attracting someone to begin with – we know these things are natural for our wives as we grow old together). Women know this, too, which is why some of them don't try as hard to keep up their appearance once they get the guy to sign on the dotted line. Practically speaking, there is the issue of fertility and what the kids will look like. So, women do tend to "lose value" in this area as they get older.

In general, the more money, power, or fame a man has, the more women there are who will accept his invitations, advances, and proposals. Since men tend to get more of these as they age, they tend to "gain value" as they get older. Sure, women like a man sporting a full head of hair, a six pack, and the ability to get erect at any time – but most will choose the "good provider" over the stud when it comes to marriage. The nerds who couldn't get a date in high school, if they play their cards right, will have their endless pick of hot young women long before the 20-year reunion.

So, what does all of this mean? A woman can do very well by marrying young. She runs the risk of not being able to rely on her husband as a "good provider" if she waits until she's in her 30s to marry, unless she is willing to marry a man in his 50s or older. Financially successful 30-something or 40-something men can get 20-something women to marry them. For this reason, a wife in her 30s or older who likes her husband or at least finds him tolerable but wants to live a wealthier life is probably not going to be able to find a wealthier man by divorcing her husband. However, women (like men), tend to make better choices with experience. So it becomes a balancing act in terms of when you have enough experience to make the right decisions vs. who you are attracting.

What will I be teaching my daughter? Don't get serious before age 25. But if she wants to marry and have children, she should be looking for a husband before the turns 30, because it may take a while to find him and it will take a while to make sure he's right for her.

Men face their own pressure in deciding to marry that women do not. With divorce, community property, alimony, child support, child custody, domestic violence, and abortion realities being what they are, a man can literally be placing his life in a woman's hands by marrying her. She can legally have someone kill his children in her womb without so much as telling him. She can easily send him to jail. She can leave him and collect some of his paycheck for the rest of her life, even if she was nothing by a hindrance to his career. She can assault him and get away with it. She can keep him from seeing his kids. She can obligate him to raise her lover's children.

If you are someone who wants to get married, keep these realities in mind as motivation to "choose wisely and treat kindly", as Dr. Laura says. If you think you have found your spouse, then you should be able to answer "YES!" to the following question: Is this the best you'll ever be able to do?

Like I said, men who seek to be husbands and fathers understand that we all get older, and that means his wife will get older. And while his ability to provide will likely increase and her youth will slip away, a wife becomes more and more valuable to her husband as she learns more about fulfilling his needs - as his best friend, his comforter, his partner, and his lover - and establishes a history of doing so. True love trumps lust.

Wary of What She Wears

Dear Abby got a letter from a guy about how his steady dresses. TRYING TO LOOSEN UP IN NORTH CAROLINA wrote:

I have been involved with "Barbie" for about six months. She's everything I ever wanted in a mate. We have a similar sense of humor, and our goals and ambitions are almost identical. Our values match, too

Sounds great, although six months is not long enough to be sure about these things.

except for one: My sense of propriety seems to be a stumbling block.

Abby, Barbie wears sheer tops and no bra. She doesn't usually wear any undergarments, either, even when she's in a fairly short skirt.

Hey, I'm an admirer of the female form, but this would be way too much for me.

Barbie says I've got hang-ups, and I don't necessarily disagree. How can I deal with this?

There's a reason she’s dressing like that. Either she is trying to tempt you (unless, of course, you are already fornicating) or she is trying to get lustful attention from other guys. Either way, it is a bad sign. She could be insecure.

Dear Abby responded:

If she cares about you, she will compromise. That's how you "deal with it."

Actually, if she cares about being with him more than she wants to show herself off, she will compromise. Note that she attracted him while dressing like this. It wasn't enough of a problem for him to prevent him from asking her out on date after date.

I don't think people dating each other should "control" each other. He can stop going out with her, and can explain why. It is up to her if she wants to change or not.

Legally, I think women (and men, for that matter) should have significant freedom in how they dress in public. But just because a woman can dress a certain way doesn't mean she should. And while it is up to a man to discipline his thoughts, it is that much harder to do so when a woman's "goodies" are right there in our face.

Ladies, when you are dating, there's nothing wrong with wearing something that flatters your figure (I'm a sucker for tight jeans) – but that doesn't mean actually displaying your flesh so that everyone can see if the carpet matches the drapes (or if there are hardwood floors) or the coloring of your areola.

Later, being married with kids does make it harder to "dress sexy", but you shouldn't give it up entirely, either. Just don't mislead people into thinking you are advertising for a husband when you already have one.

Ripe Melons

Inspired by my own comments in an earlier post, and comments written by someone else on this other blog I regularly read, I'm taking this moment to write about something that makes me happy... something I like... something I enjoy...

BOOBS!

I've offered this disclaimer before and I'm offering it again: I'm talking about sex, what I find to be sexy, turn-ons, etc. If this is a problem for you, skip this entry. I'm a happily married man, so if I get all hot and bothered, I can find a satisfying resolution without engaging in sin. I know not everyone is in the same situation.

On with the show.

Ladies, treating you in a way that makes you feel special often involves a lot of planning, shopping, spending, and talking on the part of your man. Gifts, flowers, cards, sweets, jewelry, spa treatments, dinner at a table service fine dining establishment... stuff like that.

Conversely, you can make your man feel special by simply thrusting your naked breasts into his face.

Am I a boob man? I wouldn't say that. I love every bit of a woman's body – particularly my wife's. But I would be lying if I denied that my wife's ample boobs, hidden as they were in a bra and top, didn't help attract me to her. I also noticed her small waist and bare midriff, her beautiful smile, long hair, etc.

My wife does have breasts on the larger side of the scale.

But women with small breasts can be extremely attractive, too. Men have varying tastes. Yeah, bigger breasts get more attention because... well, something that is there gets more attention than something that isn't.

Some men prefer smaller natural breasts over larger breasts with implants in them. Yet almost all of these men will still like their wife's breasts if they do have implants because they were reconstructed after a cancer battle or some accident – because for husbands, it is more about the woman sporting the breasts, not the flesh itself.

Ladies - if you are a wife, do not hide those beautiful marvels of nature (or, modern medicine) from your hubby. You may not consider them anything special, but he likely does. So what if they don't look like those of an enhanced 19-year-old bikini model, who has never breast fed, in a retouched photo with professional lighting and makeup? Thrust them out proudly – with confidence and playfulness. Cup them. Run your hands over them. Place his hands on them and move his hands over them. Stick a nipple in his mouth.

Let him revel in your splendor.

If you get pleasant physical sensations from any of this (women apparently have different levels of sensitivity in their breasts), let him know how good it feels. If it is just like touching any other part of your body... well, know that he likes it even it you'd feel the same if he was kissing your forearm.

If they have any size to them, they can also be used to stimulate his penis, including to the point of orgasm. The easiest way is pushing them together around his lubricated organ and going from there - varying from you being the passive person or the active mover. Extra points if you can manage to involve your mouth into this maneuver.

I've long appreciated and admired breasts. It probably started when I was breastfed as an infant. I have a vague memory of being breastfed as one of my earliest memories. I will forever be notorious in my family for an incident recorded on audio tape of me describing a drawing I had made of my mother earlier that day in pre-school. "These are her eyes, this is her mouth, these are her boobies..."

"Very observant little boy," my father can be heard noting.

Yes, males of all ages stare at boobs. A lot of us haven't developed the skill of averting our gaze for politeness, purity, or any other good reason, such as avoiding walking into a wall. Of course I notice if a woman has a nice set, but I try to focus on my wife, and her nice set even if she isn't with me at the moment. Heck, I've always been a little shy anyway, so I've never been the type to gawk or leer at another live person (that is, unless we're talking about my wife, or one of the women with whom I was fornicating in my rebellious bachelor years), and I've never seen a stripper or topless dancer perform in person, even rejecting attempts to take me to a "club" on the night of my bachelor party.

I do like the sight of breasts, though.

Boys, like men, are visual creatures. From what I can tell, my pre-pubescent and pubescent quest to find the pleasantly revealing sight of a good pair - such as those in bikini tops, or bras - was not unusual. Finding a depiction of actual nakedness was a rare treat. This involved media such as television, film, and print (no Interwebs back then), artwork, swimming, and beachgoing. (Note that this is how a lot of boys find porn in the home.) This was a matter I tried to hide, or do surreptitiously, certainly with a bit of shame and my conscience weighing on me. I had the idea that I wasn't supposed to see naked breasts or stare at them even if they were somewhat covered, even though this was precisely how so much entertainment or advertising was designed, or how some women intentionally dressed. Ah, so confusing for a growing boy, especially before I knew what masturbation was.

Well, I'm a husband now, and it isn't a sin to enjoy what God gave my wife. Good ol' Solomon even has passages in the Bible encouraging me to enjoy them. Even when we are clothed, I like embracing her from behind and lifting them in my hands, kissing her on her neck, maybe getting a glimpse of her cleavage from over her shoulder.

And wives, it isn't a sin for your husband to enjoy what God or one of his helpers (plastic surgeon) has given you.

So put your body to good, clean, fun use, and don't hide your breasts during lovemaking, or neglect the ways they can be used to enhance lovemaking.

Isn't it great that they can feed your babies and make your husband happy? Wonderful things.

Ringing Up a Problem

Here's another woman upset about getting jewelry. FEELING "USED" IN PENNSYLVANIA is "deeply hurt" - she wrote:

My boyfriend, "Paul," and I have been dating for four years.

That's a bit of a long time for someone who is looking to get married.

He has recently started talking about purchasing an engagement ring for me. Paul is well-off, although very frugal, which is how he accumulated most of his wealth.

Well, it is how he has retained wealth.

Paul has been searching online sites for a used ring. He says he "doesn't want to waste his money on a new engagement ring when he can buy a used one." This from a man who didn't think twice about spending thousands of dollars to buy his son a brand-new car or a brand-new boat for himself.

Hmmm. Doesn't sound so frugal to me. But notice that vehicles are functional items that deteriorate over time – such as with mechanical failures that can weaken their level of safety - in ways that jewelry does not. So, he could have had practical reasons for buying new vehicles.

Am I wrong to feel I'm only worth a used engagement ring?

Feelings are one thing, but you are wrong to think you are only worth any ring, no matter how big or new.

This is the most precious gift he could give me -- a sign of our love and commitment -- and I would cherish it forever.

Really? That's the most precious gift he could give you – the ring, and not what it symbolizes?

When a woman's man wants to buy her a piece of jewelry, I can't think of many instances where she should complain about that. If she were to buy him tickets to the big game, he should not complain if they aren't the best, most expensive seats in the venue.

Dear Abby responded:

There's a difference between frugal and just plain cheap. That Paul would tell you he considers buying you a new engagement ring is a WASTE shows insensitivity to your feelings.

It is a waste if he can get the right ring used.

Would he also prefer that your wedding gown come from a thrift store?

There's nothing wrong with that, per se. Used does not always mean something will be in bad shape.

She knows he is frugal. Is she going to feel this way about gifts, vacation, dinners, etc. throughout their marriage? Maybe they aren't right for each other. If it is really that important to her, she can find a man who will enthusiastically shell out top dollar for a brand new ring.

I had my wife's ring made to order. She gave me very loose guidelines about what she preferred – she did not go shopping with me. She tells me all of the time that she loves it, and she tells me that even after finding the documents (she insisted on organizing my files) showing I had paid about one-third the retail value of the ring, because I bought it wholesale. She is happy I saved money on the ring. But we are talking about a woman who found a beautiful wedding dress for an unheard of low price and was happy to save the money, wore the dress proudly, and told people how inexpensive it was.

Dear Abby Right on Pre-Nups

In response to a question from JUST WONDERING IN WISCONSIN, Dear Abby wrote something with which I completely agree. Her entire response was right:

A prenuptial agreement is supposed to protect the interests of both parties. At the same time that it protects your fiance's assets, it should lay out what provisions will be made for you in the event that the marriage doesn't work out. Because your attorney will be representing only you, you should be the person compensating him (or her) for services rendered.

Too bad that last part isn't applied to divorce, where too often one spouse (usually the man) has to pay for both attorneys.

And honey, this is not the time to cheap out.

Words to heed. You want a very good pre-nup. For example, if you both agree you are going to stay home and raise the kids, you should try to set it up that should he file for divorce or otherwise abandon you, that you get to keep the home intact and will be compensated well enough to raise the kids. I have no idea if a state like California allows you to write in "fault" provisions, but it would be great if those would stick.

I am in favor of pre-nuptial agreements, even if neither intended spouse has much in the way of material assets. After all, things change and either or both could end up earning quite a bit more than they were earning at the time of the wedding. And what about intellectual property? If one is a writer or artist or inventor and comes up with something with no input from the spouse, why should the spouse end up with half ownership, even if he or she leaves?

Some say pre-nups are planning to fail, or that they are unromantic or show a lack of trust.

The counter argument is that marriage is not just between the husband and wife and God. The state gets involved. And the fact is, the state already has a pre-nup for you, via the laws of the state. Why let the state decide for you, when you can decide – somewhat – for yourself? The car insurance analogy I have found helpful – that you don't plan on getting into a crash, but you buy insurance that covers crashes in case you do. The analogy does break down a bit, though, when you consider that you don't pick the other drivers on the roads, but you do pick your spouse.

Still, with the high divorce rate and the laws being what they are, and with the lawyers having financial incentives to drag out divorces and make them as contentious as possible, a pre-nup is a must these days.

If someone is dealing with a potential spouse who gets insulted at the thought of a pre-nup because "it shouldn't be about money" or something along those lines, they should counter with "You’re right - and this will guarantee that our marriage isn't about money." Guys, a woman who truly plans on being a good wife and getting married for life has nothing to fear from a pre-nup that you'll come up with together, with your own lawyers. If she won't do it, don't marry her. It is that simple.

I would advise not setting a marriage date until a pre-nup is finalized. It can even be used in planning the wedding, such as how much money will be spent on what and by whom. It should be part of the process that ensures that there are no secrets being kept from either spouse about financial status, credit history and scores, obligations, judgments, etc. and part of overall financial planning they should do together.

Bank Robber Thwarted Mid-Robbery

I love feel-good news stories in which some "ordinary" person rescues someone else, or in this case, when a crime in progress is thwarted by civilians. Alejandra Molina reports in the Orange County Register on a retired female police officer's involvement in taking down a robbery suspect.

The suspected robber – who weighs about 220 pounds and is more than 6 feet tall – was wearing a black and white jogging suit when he approached a teller at about 12:30 p.m. Saturday at the Bank of America inside the Albertsons at 25872 Muirlands Blvd. in Mission Viejo, according to the Orange County Sheriff's Department.

Authorities identified the man as Tony Baik Fennell, 52, of Las Vegas, who is now believed to have been involved in at least eight bank robberies from Norco to Utah, at least two of them in Orange County. He was not armed nor was [Cynthia] Orel, [53 years of age].

Orel, at 128 pounds, said she heard the bank manager yell that they were being robbed.

How about that, ladies? Having your weight and age printed in the newspaper and online? She's actually a good looking lady.

Once she heard he had a gun, she jumped in to assist a customer grabbing Fennell's left hand - trying to get a hold of him.

Orel tried to grab on to the suspect's other hand, she said. She then went around the suspect as the customer held him and got pushed on to a bench on display. She got him from behind. They ended up against a wall with her arm around his neck. Orel said she took him down in a head lock type of restraint.

"This was a team deal - hands down," she said.

Once Orel had Fennell in carotid restraint she remembers telling the suspect. "You're done. You're caught. You're here. Relax, you're not going anywhere."

I wonder how he felt with an unarmed woman telling him that? "Uh, is it too late to find a new way to get income?"

Go to the paper's website for the whole story and pictures. Congrats to everyone who took this guy down.

Four Children and Twenty Years Later

This Dear Abby installment was titled "Woman Hides Her Body And Feelings From Her Husband". HIDING IN PENNSYLVANIA wrote:

I am 43, the mother of four children and just celebrated my 20th anniversary. Is it normal for someone to be married all this time and still not want your husband to see you naked?

Normal? I don't know. But unfortunately, it isn't unheard of.

I do not reveal myself to him. The lights must always be off, and I keep a shirt on.

This is not good. Men generally are visual creatures. We like looking at the female body. This is especially true when it comes to our wife.

No, your body isn’t perfect. Every day, you get older. Let's assume you are dumpy – though women, unless they are "large and in charge" types, do tend to be harder on themselves than everyone else. But you know what? We don't care that you aren't perfect. We want you. We need you. For us, it is like pizza... a "bad" one is better than nothing. Getting to see you naked and up close is one of the best elements of lovemaking - whether or not you look like a centerfold.

Don't hide!

So far, the situation doesn't sound unusual. Ah, but here's the twist:

It's not because I am ashamed of my body; it's that I'm not attracted to him. I never was.

I married my husband for security and have learned to love him.

Actually, that's how probably a majority of marriages all throughout history came about. Just think of arranged marriages. However, you chose to marry him, and now you can force him to provide "security" by law, though you can't be forced to hold up your end of the bargain. Convenient.

But I love him like a brother, in a sisterly kind of way. I feel I owe him.

You do owe him.

Should I tell my husband how I feel and risk losing my security after all this time?

No, but not because of your security. Because of your duty to him. If you want out, and you don't mind being a vow-breaker, and any minor children you have are grown – go for it. Please resist the greedy divorce lawyer imploring you to eviscerate the poor guy, though. Keep in mind that you are older than you were when you married, and if you're counting on finding another husband, your options likely won't be as good as they used to be. But if life with him isn't problematic, stay, don't say anything about this, and act with all of your might as though you are attracted to him.

I had to talk to someone, so I confided in my best friend.

Well that’s a nice violation of intimacy.

She advised me to say nothing.

She's smart. She should have also told you not to violate you intimacy.

My husband had an affair a few years ago, and frankly, I was secretly relieved.

So he probably knows that something is up. But he stuck with you, though he did break his vows.

Sometimes I wish he was still with her.

This is an example of how we really don't know what is going on for sure when we see someone stepping out on their spouse. Yes, we know that person is breaking their vows, but maybe their spouse already broke them, or is supporting of the affair.

Dear Abby responded:

My advice is to talk to your husband about making another kind of arrangement -- one in which he supports the children and possibly makes some kind of settlement with you, while you both pursue your separate lives.

No. Listen to your friend, not Dear Abby.

Two Great Places to Eat

Reuters has positive news about breastfeeding.

Breastfed babies seem more likely to do well at high school and to go on to attend college than infants raised on a bottle, according to a new U.S. study.

Makes me want to go back to college just to have an excuse.

Professors Joseph Sabia from the American University and Daniel Rees from the University of Colorado Denver based their research on 126 children from 59 families, comparing siblings who were breastfed as infants to others who were not.
By comparing siblings, the study was able to account for the influence of a variety of difficult-to-measure factors such as maternal intelligence and the quality of the home environment.

That's important, because mere correlation doesn't establish causation. Without this information, it would be reasonable say, "Perhaps the kind of parents who will help their kids do will in school are also the kind that would breastfeed."

The study, published in the Journal of Human Capital, found that an additional month of breastfeeding was associated with an increase in high school grade point averages of 0.019 points and an increase in the probability of college attendance of 0.014.

Hmmm. Isn't that a little small?

"But this is just a start. Much work remains to be done to establish a definitive causal link."

Translation: "Gimme more $$$ for research!" I'm not saying they shouldn't get that money. It could be very worthwhile. Or, maybe we're already at the point where all the mothers who can be persuaded to breastfeed are already breastfeeding.

I'm vaguely aware that there is a huge controversy over this subject. Mothers who can't breastfeed, for whatever reason, feel like they are being attacked when they see articles like this. Some studies (perhaps even some not funded by formula manufacturers) say that it doesn't make a difference, or that formula is actually better. There are products (and thus commercial interests) catering to both ways of feeding infants.

My wife is convinced that it does make a difference, and she has shown high levels of dedication to breastfeeding. I'm sure a lot of other women would have given up if they had been in her shoes (or bra).

I was breastfed. I'm convinced it explains a lot about be, aside from academics.

One of the things I say to my children as they are in the womb is, "There are two great places to eat out here!" Hence the title of this entry.

Teen Arrested in Cat Mutilations

This is how serial killers start.

And recently, it came to light that a celebrity was also going to be mutilating a kitty.

She Wants to Climb the Ladder, He Doesn't

Dear Abby got a letter for a "high school sweetheart" who is questioning her relationship. GOAL-ORIENTED GAL IN DALLAS wrote:

I am 21 and have been with my high school sweetheart, "Andy," for six years.

This is generally not good. I mean, it had a better chance of working 75 years ago and out in small town farm country. But today, unless you are raised and staying in a very structured, homogenous, and independent community, the odds are that this isn't going to last. Likely, both of these people have stunted their growth for sake of staying close to each other.

I can see myself with him for the rest of my life,

Of course you can, because you've never known anything else.

but there's a problem. I am very career-oriented and have big dreams for going far, but Andy is the complete opposite. He didn't finish school and is content with a low-paying job for his "career."

Okay, well, can't you have a career without him wanting is own? That is why it would be your career.

I have spoken to him several times about my goals. He is supportive, but has no plans on doing anything for himself.

Yeah? And? Although it is not explicitly included in her letter, the subtext here is, "Shouldn't my guy always earn more money than me, or at least be like me in ambition?" Most women marry a man who earns more than they do. Notice that he supports her goals – so he supposedly will respect her career.

Nowhere in the letter does say she wants to be a "stay-at-home" mother, in which case she would have a legitimate concern about how the family would pay bills.

Should I stay with Andy and lower my dreams or give up on him?

Why do you have to lower your dreams to be with him just because he doesn't have the same level of career ambition? Actually, for both men and women, it is easier to climb the career ladder these days if they are unmarried and childless, so that they can put in long hours, network, relocate as needed, and travel. But if he doesn't have his own career ambitions, then he should be more willin to relocate with you.

Did I mention that he has no one to depend on but me?

Well, yes, he does. He has himself. But if you're supporting him financially, no wonder he is supportive of your career ambitions.

Besides this issue, our relationship is perfect.

You can probably find a career-driven guy with whom you can also have a "perfect" relationship. If you do reach your career goals, you will be in a place to meet more potential prospects.

Dear Abby responded:

You are responsible for your future, and Andy is responsible for his.

Exactly!

This woman has no experience with a relationship that began when she was an adult. She doesn't have much to compare. She may be happy, which is fine. But perhaps she could be a lot happier. Now, that is no reason to end a relationship... if you are happy and things are right, don't obsess over whether or not there is greener grass out there. But I would not advise my own child to get so serious with someone as a teenager, or to fall into the trap of thinking that a dating relationship is supposed to last as long as both people are sexually attracted to each other, or haven't committed some huge wrong against each other.

There are billions of people out there to choose from. (Even more billions if you are bisexual!)

The Husband Who Wasn't There, and an Insecure Fiancee

Let's take a break from deadly and violent crime stories. A recent Dear Abby installment had a couple of great letters.

ALONE AND LONELY IN INDIANA wrote:

"Ralph" and I have been married a little over a year. It's the second marriage for both of us. We were both single for six years after our divorces, so we had time to become independent.

What we aren't told is how long they dated before they married, and what that was like.

Ralph still spends his evenings and weekends the way he did when he was a bachelor.

What, is he out on the bars and clubs? It his hitting on other women?!?

He stays in the garage and watches TV alone.

Oh. Is that all he is doing out there? If he is alone, how you do know he isn't engaged in another hobby, or some other interest? What is on TV? Is it something the rest of the family wouldn't care to watch or shouldn't watch?

We have talked about it, set up family time, and even bought the large-screen TV he wanted for the living room, but still he hides out in the garage. He comes in only to eat and use the bathroom.

Really? He sleeps and showers out there, and goes without sex?

I have two children from my last marriage, and the younger one feels deeply hurt because my husband spends no time with him.

Ah. So the biodad isn't around? You didn't notice Ralph's behavior before you married? Or it was okay or him to be that way before you married, and you didn't make it clear that you'd expect him to be different after the wedding?

Well Ralph shouldn't have gotten married to a woman with minor kids, and you shouldn't have married him. But now that you are in this situation, you might be able to lure him by doing activities that would interest him. Maybe he needs direction, like a list of honey-dos, and when he does them, thanking him will help encourage him. If he really, truly isn't interested it doing anything but watching TV, then he really wasn't marriage material to begin with, which is perhaps why his first marriage ended.

Otherwise, if he pays the bills and scares off potential predators, at least that is something.

As for me, I'm the kind of guy who enjoys solitary activities - writing, watching DVDs, listening to music, reading, etc. But I place the needs of my wife and children over what I want to do at any given moment. That means I do a lot less of those things than I did when I was unmarried and childless. If you can't handle the fact that there will be new demands on your time, guys, then don't get married. Stay unmarried. You'll be able to spend your time as you want with fewer moral and social conflicts.

Dear Abby responded:

If you married Ralph thinking you could change the way he acted as a bachelor, that you would have companionship and your children would have an attentive father, you may have married the wrong man.

It can't be stated enough: Women should never expect that a guy will change for the better. He may, and he should, but it doesn't mean he will. The only guarantee is that he will get older. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Guys shouldn't expect women to change (other than getting older) either.

If Ralph was happy and at ease, he would not be hiding out in the garage.

Maybe that is what makes him happy and at ease?

NAMELESS IN GRAND PRAIRIE, TEXAS is way too insecure:

My fiance insists upon asking our server's name if it is not offered when she approaches our table. I am insulted that he even cares. Personally, I do not want him asking for another woman's name in my presence. I find it rude.

Does he not do it when the server is male?

He, on the other hand, thinks it's rude if the server does not introduce herself.

He's right. And referring your server by their name is the polite thing to do.

And if you are this insecure, he should run the other way and NOT marry you.

Guys, if you're going to get married, save yourself a world of trouble and avoid marrying a woman who is this insecure. She'll make your life hell. Now, there's a difference between a woman rightfully noting to her man in private that he shouldn't have been leering and drooling over another woman in public, but that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about the kind of woman who will want to sniff your penis when you come home to make sure another woman has gone nowhere near it... the kind of woman who will alienate your female coworkers... the kind of woman who, if an attractive woman walks anywhere in your line if sight, will yell, "WHAT? DO YOU WANT TO F--- HER?!? YOU DO, DON'T YOU?!?"

Run for the nearest exit.

It also isn't a good sign that she has such little regard for servers.

He'll Have Trouble Testifying

Looks like this woman had a very good reaction to being raped. Not only does it punish the rapist, but it provides evidence. As for him, if he's like most guys, he'd rather it be his tounge than a certain other bit of his body.

A Murrieta [inland southern California] woman bit off the tongue of an alleged rapist who was arrested at a hospital emergency room where he went for treatment.

Police found the suspect's tongue at the woman's apartment Friday morning.

Yes, but how do we know she wasn't just being cruel to a date? Well, keep reading.

Authorities say the woman had injuries consistent with a violent assault.

Officers say they arrested 32-year-old Ronald McGowan of West Covina, who is a registered sex offender.

Yeah, I suppose she could be a past victim who tracks down guys listed on sex offender websites, and then exacts "revenge". That would make one heck of a Law and Order: SVU episode. But my money would be on the guy having really attacked her, unprovoked. Which makes this a really great story.

Physicians at the Rancho Springs Medical Center could not reattach his tongue.

Like I said... better than something else.

God forbid my wife or daughter or sisters or mother ever find themselves in that situation, but I would hope they would be just as clever. As my wife says, "I'd bite anything he sticks in my mouth."

Suspected Copper Wire Thieves Fried

Corina Knoll of the Los Angeles Times brings us a "stupid criminal" story.

The bodies of two men believed to have been electrocuted while stealing copper wiring were found early Tuesday on an abandoned driving range in Riverside County, authorities said.

So - was it worth it?

A spokeswoman with the coroner's office said the bodies were burned beyond recognition and would possibly be identified today.

Yes, we'll need those names for the Darwin Awards nomination.

"They were attempting to remove copper wire from inside what we call a pad-mount enclosure -- it's an electrical box or structure that contains high-voltage energized equipment," said Steve Conroy, a Southern California Edison spokesman.
The fire caused a 12,000-volt line connected to the circuit to go out of service, Conroy said, and about 1,600 residences in Hemet and San Jacinto were affected by a brief power outage.

What a shame that others were incovenienced.

Perhaps their buddies or siblings will leave a comment here talking about how they were actually involved in some complicated and noble effort to save lives, not stealing copper for cash? Or that since they were "great guys" and never stole copper wire from them I shouldn't discuss the article here?

Call me cold hearted, but I have little to no sympathy for a person who is injured or killed while engaging in some sort of immoral or rightly illegal activity. Have I ever been immoral? Yes, many times, and I deserved every problem that came my way while being immoral.

And You Thought Your Mother Got on Your Nerves

You carry them for nine months, give birth to them, clothe them, feed them, bathe them, raise them, take care of them, let them stay in your home into adulthood if they need to.

And you hope that day will never come when they end up stabbing you to death.

The Los Angeles Daily News reports from Reseda.

A 24-year-old man was in custody today on suspicion of stabbing his 40-year-old mother to death inside her apartment in Reseda.

Do the math. She gave birth to him when she was 16, possibly 15. Plus, there's no mention of a father in the article.

Bryan Garcia-Munguia was arrested outside the Denny's restaurant on the corner of Reseda Boulevard and Saticoy Street in Reseda about 11:20 p.m. Monday, said Detective Joel Price of the Los Angeles Police Department's West Valley Station.

Family members who had just finished eating at the restaurant were gathered in the parking lot when the suspect unexpectedly showed up, prompting them to call police, Price said.

Yeah, it is not a good idea to show up to join family grieving over someone you killed.

His mother, Saida Munguia, was found fatally stabbed in the chest inside her apartment in the 7600 block of Reseda Boulevard, near Saticoy Street, on Monday afternoon, said LAPD Sgt. Ronnie Crump.

Now who is going to show up at his sentencing to insist that he really is a good boy?

"According to family and neighbors, there's been a rather rocky relationship between mother and child, in particular during the last week," Price said.

You don't say?

The victim and suspect lived together at the apartment, he added.

That had to have been a lot of fun. Even though he was living with his mother, he probably has a girlfriend, or at least booty calls. If so, he'll probably still have women pledging their love to him. After all, he hasn't stabbed them. Or if he did, it must have been their fault. Or they know they can change him.

His mother could have aborted him, but she didn't. And this is the thanks she gets? But it isn't surprising. When kids are born to mothers that young, especially if they are raised without a father, they are more likely to commit violent crime. Everyone would have been better off if she had given him up for adoption to be raised by mature, established, married people.

And shame on the guy who got a 15-year-old pregnant. Where is that guy?

Pizza Delivery Man Helps Rescue Rape Victim

Kudos to pizza delivery man Chris Turner for helping to rescue a woman who had been kidnapped and raped, and for helping to catch the alleged kidnapper/rapist.

People mentally dismiss people in jobs like his all of the time. But no matter what job a person has (or, doesn't have) they can still make a positive difference in someone else's life.

And who knows what would have happened to her if he had not helped her? She could have ended up tortured more and then murdered.

Bachelor Asks About Dating Moms

I found this installment of an advice column in the Philadelphia Daily News.

I am 35 and a lifelong bachelor.

Congrats. Although 35 is hardly "lifelong".

I'd love to get married someday and start a family.

Okay, if that's what you really want - go for it.

Am I at the age where I should consider dating women with children?

No.

Here's why. If you want to start a family, you should not butt in to an existing one. A woman with minor children should not be dating, especially to find a husband, until the kids are adults. She should be focusing on raising her kids. Plus, you should be seeking women at least a couple of years younger than you, if you really do want to start a family. Fertility and health become issues starting at 35, and you need time to get to know each other. Women 33 years old and younger should not have adult kids, so if she has kids, they are still minors.

The "best" case scenario is that the mother is a widower, and the guy died through little fault of his own. You may, if you try really hard, live up to her idealized memories of him. Still, getting involved with her will change the dynamics between her and her kids, and that could be really bad. It will get worse if you start making new babies with her. You'll never have the authority over her kids that you'd have over your own.

You'd be the third wheel.

Now if she has children and is free to marry you because the father of her children died from suicide, or reckless or otherwise self-destructive behavior, or they are divorced, or were never married... none of those things bode well.

If the father (or fathers) isn't dead, then you'll likely have to deal with him at some point, sometimes often. Do you really want that? Every time she looks at her kids, she's going to see the guy she used to have sex with. Are you ready to deal with that? Are you ready to take on the responsibility of raising someone else's kids, with one hand tied behind your back?

Save yourself a lot of trouble. Only date women without children. That's one of the basic rules for guys who want to get married and have kids. There are some others, too, such as avoiding women with serious inherited degenerative diseases, a history of criminal behavior or mental illness, a substance abuse habit, debt (beyond a mortgage and reasonable car loan)... any red flags.

"Steve" responded with:

Forget whether a gal has kids or not; focus on who she is.

Nope - sorry. It is a package deal. That's like telling a woman to forget that a guy is chronically unemployed – focus on who he is. He is chronically unemployed, that is who he is. And she is a mother.

Mike Tyson's Daughter

I don't care who you are, or what you've done, losing your child is a horrible pain that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I saw what it did to my grandmother, and her "child" was an adult. How much more tragic it is when the child hasn't had a chance to grow? I'm not exactly a fan of Mike Tyson, but my prayers are with him and all loved ones who are mourning.

You Should Be Saving, Not Spending More

This LiveScience.com story says that a recession may cause women to splurge on shopping like they are addicts looking for a fix.

In times of crisis, women are more likely to take a shopping spree than in normal times.

That doesn't bode well for her personal finances, or for those of the guy who is paying her bills.

A new survey finds almost half of UK women are frightened or scared by the recession, and 45 percent felt their financial situation had taken a hit. A full 75 percent said they would be making cutbacks.

Yet 79 percent of them said they would splurge to cheer themselves up.

And what about eating more bon-bons? Nothing like adding extra weight to go along with your extra debt!

Of the 700 women surveyed, 40 percent said depression was an excuse to overspend; 60 percent said "feeling a bit low" was a good enough reason.

They are wrong. Browsing is one thing. Buying is another.

"This type of spending, or compensatory consumption, serves as a way of regulating intense emotions," said Karen Pine, a University of Hertfordshire professor and author of "Sheconomics" (Headline Publishing Group, 2009).

What's wrong with sex – if you're married, or exercise or a non-destructive hobby?

The problem is likely not confined to women.

They have to throw that in to avoid charges of sexism.

A 2006 study in the United States found 6 percent of women have it so bad they are labeled compulsive buyers, but so are 5.5 percent of men.

So more than one out of every 20 people you come across is labeled a compulsive buyer. What about the people who aren't labeled "compulsive" but either are compulsive or are otherwise buying stuff they don't need or can't afford? Does anyone believe that just as many men fall into that category?

Pine says this compensatory behavior could become more pronounced in a recession. People use drugs and alcohol similarly to regulate emotions, Pine explains, but she thinks shopping is increasingly employed by women for this purpose. And, paradoxically, worrying about money could lead women to spend more, she said.

I'm sure if any single guy is reading this, he'll feel really motivated to find a woman with whom to join finances.

"Or, perhaps worse still, if they can't spend we might see an increase in mental health problems such as anxiety and depression."

Oh, great. You get to choose between dealing with more debt or more emotional difficulty.

One of the things I think a couple should do when a marriage proposal seems eminent is get full access to each other’s financial records – credit report, credit card statements, bank statements, investment accounts, etc. That will make it easier to tell if there is a spending problem, or any number of other problems. Full disclosure should be a stipulation of the pre-nup.

More Fun With Advice Columns

Time to check in on a two of my favorite advice columns. I look at some recent Dear Abby columns and a recent Dear Margo column.

GROWN-UP GIRL IN KENTUCKY wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm a 21-year-old woman who just moved back home after two years of living and learning on my own.

That doesn't sound very grown up to me.

My family has been wonderful to accept me back into their home until I finish my studies in a few months, after which I assume I'll be getting a job and my own place.

I have an amazing boyfriend, "Jordan," with whom I would love to spend some nights. I'm afraid if I do I would be disrespecting my parents' wishes -- my father is a preacher -- but at the same time I feel restricted because I got used to being on my own and doing what I wanted.

Well, too bad. Part of the trade off of living in someone else's home is abiding by their rules. You're not being held hostage. You can leave.

Dear Abby responded:

Have your parents met Jordan? Do they like him? If they have and they do, it would make things easier on you.

Unless he is a eunuch, I don’t see how any of that matters.

You should definitely respect your father's position and sensitivities.

That's all she should have written.

A more acceptable compromise than spending "nights out" might be for you and Jordan to arrange some weekend getaways together.

Uh, no.

Of this I am certain: Young love will find a way.

Love is one thing. Lust is another. Look, I'm no prude. Well, at least not according to this definition. I know saving sex for marriage is not what most people do. But an adult should not treat her parents' place like a hotel.

COLORADO TEEN wrote:

I'm a 16-year-old guy who has hit a road bump in life. My parents divorced when I was 12 and are still fighting.

That's a lot of fun, isn’t it? Somehow, they got along well enough to make you, but then they act like this. That's quite a way to make a life for their child.

I get involved in their fights because I feel I have to, but it stresses me out.

Not good. That shouldn't be his deal. He should be focusing on his studies, his hobbies, enjoying his youth.

I live full-time with Mom because Dad and I fight too much. Mom and I are also at odds nonstop. She has had several different boyfriends since the divorce. Three of them have moved into our house.

In four years? Ugh. She needs to wait two years or one and a half or however long until you are 18. She's put you at risk, and set a horrible example.

Mom and I have different opinions about her present boyfriend, who she calls her "fiance." He's the biggest reason we fight. Mom has told me her kids come first and if I really don't like him she'll ask him to leave, but I don't want her to do it if she's truly happy with him.

No kid should be put in this position. How awful.

Dear Abby told him to get counseling.

ONLINE MOMMY IN THE NORTHWEST wrote:

A few months ago, my friend and neighbor, "Jill," told me how much she enjoyed an online mothers group she participated in, so I joined. Last week, Jill announced on the Web site that she's pregnant with her second child. I congratulated her online, then congratulated her husband in person when I ran into him in the neighborhood later that day. He was flabbergasted. Apparently, Jill hadn't told him about the baby!

Jill is now furious with me because I "spoiled her surprise" by revealing something that was supposed to be a secret.

I’m not really concerned with the relationship between the women, or what DA's response is. What concerns me more is that this is an example of a violation of intimacy between husband and wife. A woman's husband should be told these things before just about anyone else. The baby is his, too. Unless the person is completely anonymous to the rest of the group (and the world) and is fishing for cute ways to tell the spouse, this was just plain wrong.

Ladies, if you want your female friends, even the ones you've never actually met, to be that close to you... then don't bother being married. Don't say that your husband is your best friend, or you want him to be your best friend, if you are keeping secrets from him that you are telling others (except, perhaps, clergy or a shrink), or if you're badmouthing him all of the time to other women. Because, in that case, your best friend is not your husband – it is the person to whom you are telling all of his shortcomings.

Stressed Out in a Small Town wrote in to Dear Margo:

I have been divorced from my first husband, "Lionel," for 13 years. He was an abusive alcoholic who (thankfully) skipped the state eight years ago to avoid paying child support for our children, "Eloise," now 21, and "Laura," 18.

Sounds like a great guy to marry and with whom make two babies. Are you sure that's the reason he left? From what I understand, states work together on this.

At last count, Lionel owes more than $60,000 in back child support and only recently re-established contact with the girls.

From what I can tell, this is irrelevant to the letter, and she includes it merely as a dig, as if he were writing in to say, "and her ass is saggy."

Laura is graduating high school this year and asked her father to attend the ceremony. He said he couldn’t because he didn’t want to drive 500 miles over Memorial Day weekend, but that he would attend her celebration party three weeks later.

A real prize.

My current husband is furious. He's been a big part of the girls' lives for 10 years, and together we've raised two healthy, well-adjusted young ladies.

Hold it! You said your ex skipped town eight years ago. So maybe your ex figured you and the new stud had it all covered? Why hasn't your husband adopted your girls and made child support from your ex unnecessary?

He absolutely doesn't want Lionel at the party, and frankly, neither do I — he’s extremely rude, obnoxious and inappropriate even while sober.

It is at your home. Surely to could bar him if you want.

If he shows up, my husband would like to have him arrested, since he has several outstanding warrants in our state.

Are any of them not child support based?

What a mess. What guy in his right mind wants to deal with this? This guy she's now married to couldn't find someone without so much baggage? Or did he have a "rescue" complex?

Don't get me wrong – unless someone signs away their parental rights, they should support their children financially, even if they aren't going to be there physically or emotionally.

Dear Margo had a decent response.