MISSING THE CLOSENESS wrote in to Dear Abby:
A decade ago, before my wife and I had children, we were deeply in love with each other. Everything was great in the bedroom and outside. After we had children, my wife did a 180. She's no longer affectionate with me at all.
We barely hold hands, we never hug, and kissing is prohibited except maybe a kiss before bed. We kiss like it's an obligation. There's no touching in our relationship.
We barely hold hands, we never hug, and kissing is prohibited except maybe a kiss before bed. We kiss like it's an obligation. There's no touching in our relationship.
Why aren't you rushing to get married, men??? I am emphasizing certain words and phrases because a lot of comments accused him of only caring about sex.
In the bedroom we used to be more physical and less restrained. I wanted her to be satisfied, without getting more specific. Now, if we are intimate, it's once a month during the summer and maybe twice a month otherwise. She won't allow me to touch parts of her body, and she's physically and emotionally remote.
Wow, he might be getting more sex than me. How sad for my marriage.
When I addressed this with her, she informed me that other couples are intimate less frequently than we are.
True! And some husbands torture and murder their wife.
She has let her body go, and doesn't diet or even try to watch her weight, and I'm concerned for her health because she has become obese.
It's amazing he still wants her, but if he's a faithful husband, he has no other options.
If I try to bring these matters up, she flies into a rage.
Sounds like a great way to live! Hurry up and get married, guys!
Abby, am I being selfish?
Today's men have been beaten down so much he asks a question like that.
Abby responded:
What went wrong is that he got married.
Get a vasectomy, guys! Even if you're foolish enough to marry, she won't be able to use children as an excuse (assuming you don't adopt). And it will be much easier to leave when she does this crap.
Having children is a choice. People shouldn't have children if they won't be able to maintain their existing obligations. Or they should drop those other obligations.
What's the point? Either the therapist will be a misandrist who blames the husband or the wife will reject what the therapist says. It will be a waste of time and money. If the wife asks for therapy, it MIGHT be worth it.
What are the odds that if she "catches" him watching porn, she will play the victim and demand "accountability" software and treating him like a toddler?
There was a comment from "Dani":
That has to be sarcastic.
A lot of the comments, as is typical, say he must have done something wrong, he must not be doing enough romancing or enough around the house, that all he cares about is sex, and that this is to be expected when a couple has children.
Take note, guys! Get a vasectomy.
It might have been helpful to get more information, such as who wanted children more, how many children they have and their ages, were each of the children wanted, if she has a paid job, what it is, what hours does she work, and if that's what she wanted. It would also be good to know if anything else about the home or family dynamic changed, like having one of their parents move in or him cheating on her, but he probably would have mentioned if he'd done that.
Based on what he did say, this looks like something that is all too typical: a woman uses sex as a loss leader. She does whatever she has to do to get the life she wanted: children and a man under contract as a walking ATM/errand boy/bodyguard/attention-giver. Once she has it, she lets herself go and sexually rejects him. Now, he can't leave without hurting the kids and he'll likely have to pay her for the rest of his life.
She's apparently broken multiple marriage vows, if she did vow to love, honor, and cherish. He may have broken vows, too. We don't know. But this marriage, from a social consideration, is just about dead.
What are his options here? What have other men in this situation done?
Something has gone radically wrong with your marriage and you have been iced out.
What went wrong is that he got married.
Sometimes when children come into the picture, couples "forget" how to be friends and lovers because they are so distracted, tired, etc.
Get a vasectomy, guys! Even if you're foolish enough to marry, she won't be able to use children as an excuse (assuming you don't adopt). And it will be much easier to leave when she does this crap.
Having children is a choice. People shouldn't have children if they won't be able to maintain their existing obligations. Or they should drop those other obligations.
You and your wife need to discuss this in the office of a licensed therapist.
What's the point? Either the therapist will be a misandrist who blames the husband or the wife will reject what the therapist says. It will be a waste of time and money. If the wife asks for therapy, it MIGHT be worth it.
What are the odds that if she "catches" him watching porn, she will play the victim and demand "accountability" software and treating him like a toddler?
There was a comment from "Dani":
Please coddle her. Make sure you are doing chores. Tell her she is beautiful and mean it. Think of her favorite things and bring her something even if it is food. Ask her if the two of you can watch her favorite movie. If she looks at you like you grew horns, be patient.
That has to be sarcastic.
A lot of the comments, as is typical, say he must have done something wrong, he must not be doing enough romancing or enough around the house, that all he cares about is sex, and that this is to be expected when a couple has children.
Take note, guys! Get a vasectomy.
It might have been helpful to get more information, such as who wanted children more, how many children they have and their ages, were each of the children wanted, if she has a paid job, what it is, what hours does she work, and if that's what she wanted. It would also be good to know if anything else about the home or family dynamic changed, like having one of their parents move in or him cheating on her, but he probably would have mentioned if he'd done that.
Based on what he did say, this looks like something that is all too typical: a woman uses sex as a loss leader. She does whatever she has to do to get the life she wanted: children and a man under contract as a walking ATM/errand boy/bodyguard/attention-giver. Once she has it, she lets herself go and sexually rejects him. Now, he can't leave without hurting the kids and he'll likely have to pay her for the rest of his life.
She's apparently broken multiple marriage vows, if she did vow to love, honor, and cherish. He may have broken vows, too. We don't know. But this marriage, from a social consideration, is just about dead.
What are his options here? What have other men in this situation done?
- Divorce? Hurts the kids and hurts him, but would also allow him to seek affection elsewhere with societal approval.
- Blatant murder? Perish the thought.
- Encourage her obesity until she dies, but much quicker than she would have otherwise? Immoral, destructive, leaves the kids without their mother.
- Suicide? Immoral, destructive, leaves the kids without their dad.
- Stay and hire professionals? (I'm sure a lot of people would have a list of problems with this.)
- Stay and run game on other women? (See above.)
- Stay and find a mistress? (Boiling rabbit?)
- Negotiate an open marriage or similar agreement that allows him to find affection elsewhere? Aside from all of the other potential problems with that, what are the odds both of them would want that?
- Stay, shut up, and endure until the kids are grown? Likely with lots of masturbation and porn, and then he will lose most of his assets and make ongoing payments to her until one of them dies.
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