It's Like A Vasectomy Advertisement

MISSING THE CLOSENESS wrote in to Dear Abby:

A decade ago, before my wife and I had children, we were deeply in love with each other. Everything was great in the bedroom and outside. After we had children, my wife did a 180. She's no longer affectionate with me at all.

We barely hold hands, we never hug, and kissing is prohibited except maybe a kiss before bed. We kiss like it's an obligation. There's no touching in our relationship.

Why aren't you rushing to get married, men??? I am emphasizing certain words and phrases because a lot of comments accused him of only caring about sex.

In the bedroom we used to be more physical and less restrained. I wanted her to be satisfied, without getting more specific. Now, if we are intimate, it's once a month during the summer and maybe twice a month otherwise. She won't allow me to touch parts of her body, and she's physically and emotionally remote.

Wow, he might be getting more sex than me. How sad for my marriage.

When I addressed this with her, she informed me that other couples are intimate less frequently than we are.

True! And some husbands torture and murder their wife.

Why Do Men Like Lingerie?

Why do men like lingerie?

For men who like women to wear lingerie, there are two basic reasons:

1) It looks more revealing and sexier than baggy sweatpants, granny panties, or just about anything else a woman would wear other than skimpy swimsuits or revealing yoga pants.

2) It signals she's feeling sexual or is willing to get sexual. There are swimsuits more revealing than some lingerie, but the swimsuit signals she's going to hang out by the pool, on the beach, or sun herself. There are yoga pants more revealing than some lingerie, but again, yoga pants don't signal "Let's get sexual."

Most men prefer women to be entirely naked rather than in lingerie. But most men do prefer lingerie to regular clothing or pajamas that don't reveal much.

Some women find lingerie figure-flattering, accentuating certain parts of their body and hiding things about which they are unhappy or self-conscious. We get that. But women do tend to be far more critical of their own bodies than men, especially a man who is with them. But if it helps her feel more confident and helps her to be more enthusiastic, that's definitely a plus.

When a wife surprises her husband with wearing lingerie, especially if he normally has to persuade her to agree to sex, it can be a nice surprise to him.

I plan to write more about why men like certain things when it comes to women. I fully get it that some women, even some women who claim to be heterosexual, don't give a rat's behind about what men like. But there may be a few women who are curious, and I can be honest. Maybe you can put what I tell you to good use?

Also, as with anything else, especially anything sexual, "men like" is a generalization. There will ALWAYS be outliers or a minority of men who think/feel differently. In this case, that means a few men will find lingerie a turn off, or will prefer it to nudity.

Pledging Marriage For Life Doesn't Make Sense

Life is very different than when our marriage laws where written. Life is very different than when our customs about marriage were solidified.

Most people used to live their entire lives in the same place, unless they got traded away in slavery or were sent off to war. Upward mobility wasn't much of a thing. You grew up working the family farm or in the family business, or you got an apprenticeship in someone else's family business. Usually, everyone in the area shared the same religion. Most people lived in farming villages but even if you lived in a city, your prospects for partners were minimal. If you got paired up with someone, either per your family or your own efforts, you stuck with them because there was a little other choice. If you were a woman, leaving was likely to mean destitution. A man could rape his wife and beat her without running afoul of the law or society, and he could beat his children into submission or kick them out of the home. But for anyone who needed to raise his own help, a fertile wife and resulting children were appreciated. Leisure and recreation were limited and retirement wasn't much of a thing.

Today, we can reach around the world instantly with our communications, and travel to anywhere in the world in a matter of hours. We have the potential to interact with millions of people over our lifetime. Education and career training can take decades, we can take promotions offered from the other side of the planet, and changing jobs, changing entire careers, and moving from one residence to another is quite common. Family law can reward a woman for divorcing her husband, and her friends and other cultural elements might urge her to do so. Leisure and recreation play a much larger role in the lives of most of us, and most people expect to retire with decades left to live.

Some Free Women Say They Wanted a Family

Melanie Notkin, an apparently free woman, writes about free women who wanted to marry and have kids, and contrasting their situation with women who did marry.

“I was 22 when we met,” Lisa said of her future husband. “We broke up a few times, but I stuck with it. I gave him ultimatums!”

That's a train wreck.

It took the man, 13 years Lisa’s senior, six years to put a ring on it.

The fool.

“You can’t control who you fall in love with and who falls in love with you,” I added, in my defense.

Chemistry matters.

“Love shmove!” Lisa said with a look of disbelief in her eyes as if someone had pulled the wool over mine.

Lisa's poor husband.

Was it better to have never truly loved and gotten married than to have loved and lost it all?

Best to stay free.

What I’d said was true: I had been in love and had my heart broken. A few times. And as the years passed, each disappointment grew as my hope for children dwindled.

This wasn’t my plan. I was ready to get married at age 21, two years after my mother’s early death at age 52. I yearned to recreate her maternal love with my own children.

Yikes.

While I had grown up in a traditional Jewish home, after she died, I became more observant, believing on some level that religious young men were more likely ready to create a family that would gather around the warm glow of the Shabbat table on Friday nights. (Later, I’d learn at least my instincts were right.)

At age 24, I packed up my life in Montreal, Canada, and moved to New York City to find that great Jewish man, the future father of my children. It was surely the best possible plan. 

This month marks 30 years in Manhattan, still single and no chance of becoming a mother. As the old Jewish adage goes: We plan; God laughs.

Now why is that? Not enough Jewish men in the right age range? Did she not put herself in the right places? Did she not give off the right signals?

My second book, a memoir called Otherhood: Modern Women Finding a New Kind of Happiness was published in 2014. Along with my own story, I share the experiences of Generation X and older millennial women who expected the love, marriage, and children our mothers had, along with greater access to higher education and the careers they didn’t have. It wasn’t that most of my generation chose the latter over the former. We simply expected that we would date and pay the rent simultaneously, just like the men we were dating did.

Maybe men and women are different?

I first chose a low-paying non-profit career with greater flexibility to take care of my future children. I invested time and money in online dating sites in my twenties, matchmaking services in my thirties, and singles events (or big ticket charity events where there would be plenty of singles), into my forties.

We don't know how she behaved during her activities, though.

Now, age 54, I am among the 25% percent of Americans who by age 40 have never married. And I have surpassed the 46.7% of never-married women ages 40-50 who are childless.

Keep up the good work, guys!

It’s not that we did not want to marry. We did.

Wanting to marry isn't the same thing as wanting to be a wife, though.

The breadth of women who did everything they were supposed to do to prepare themselves for the life they imagined now stretches to the younger cohort who land on the college campus of their choice only to have few men to choose from. Or, they’ve graduated and moved to the big city, only to find it just as hard to meet someone. Childless women in their twenties out-earn their male peers in 20 metropolitan areas. For these women, meeting a man who is also ready to meet their match is more challenging than ever.

Why does it matter if she earns more, hmm?

Nonetheless, this narrative assumes women don’t plan well, make poor choices, put our careers first, are too picky, or believe love is a fairytale. And for those of us who didn’t find love in time for the children we yearn(ed) for and who grieve our loss, it’s often assumed we were too naive to understand our fertility would end. We waited too long, they say. Left it too late, they admonish. As if we didn’t have painful monthly reminders. For most of us, it wasn’t our choice.

I can believe that there are women who did "everything" right and still never married even though they wanted to marry. Better they not have married than to have had a bad marriage, though.

While more young women today say they are remaining single and childless by choice, I have my doubts that it’s what most of them truly want.

Believe women.

Perhaps she would have been more likely to marry if family law and courts weren't so terrible? Something to think about. Because we can change laws and courts.

When A Wife Rejects Her Husband

A lot of husbands and now-ex-husbands know the pain of a sexually rejecting wife. By "rejecting" I mean at least one of the following:

1. Refusing to have sex at all.

2. Only agreeing to sex infrequently. "Infrequently" is a relative term. If they were having some form of sex every day for years and now she only agrees to sex once per week even though no changes in their life would prevent her from agreeing more frequently, that's rejection. Other husbands WISH they could get it once per week. They might get it once a month or a couple of times per year.

3. Reducing sexual options to a bare minimum. This could mean rejecting acts she used to do, especially if she did them before they had kids or before they married. It could be consistently restricting sex to intercourse or manual sex even though he has told her he wants to other other common sex acts. It could be her impersonating a corpse (when she knows her husband isn't into that sort of thing). 

4. Transforming her appearance and/or changing her behavior in ways that will kill his attraction. Significant weight gain; shortening her hair and/or changing her hair style/color to something he doesn't like; always wearing frumpy clothes when she used to wear sexy vestments; poor grooming/hygiene; cruel, belittling, or disrespectful statements (when he isn't into that sort of thing); expressing her general dislike of sex when she previously at least pretended to enjoy it - these are all forms of rejection, make no mistake about it. 

5. Starfishing. She might say something, with a sigh of exasperation or contempt, “OK, if YOU really want to!” …if she says anything at all, then imitates a corpse or starfish. She might even tell him to hurry up and otherwise make it very clear she’s only doing this as mercy to him. 

Why I Don’t Call Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Dr. Laura isn’t getting enough calls. Talk radio in general gets fewer calls than it used to, but the Dr. Laura Program is built around calls. As with many other hosts, she can monologue. But she wants calls.

We can tell she’s not getting enough calls because she dropped down to four “live” programs per week, but will still monologue for a while in the middle of the program, read letters, and yet still fill time with playing unannounced repeat calls, some from years ago and some from a few days ago. The screeners sometimes have to put unprepared callers up.

Her program can be heard live across North America. Why isn’t she getting enough callers?

Well, I know why I haven’t called. Maybe Dr. Laura or her staff will learn from me. I’m a paid subscriber to her program, not a general SiriusXM listener. [Update: currently listening to the podcasted hours on SiriusXM] I have thought for a long time that she’s an overall positive influence. I have concerns, questions, decisions, and situations for which Dr. Laura’s focused, experienced, sincere evaluation might help. I can probably disguise my voice enough without sounding weird. But I won’t call her.

Here are the reasons why.

1. She’s not there to help the caller. Callers are fodder for Dr. Laura getting her messages to listeners. She sees this as helpful to listeners. She has repeatedly said as much. I have no interest in being used as essentially an object lesson or warning against something I can’t change now. I already do that on this blog! She has helped many callers, but it's not her primary goal, and I believe she has hurt some callers. She will not take or will quickly dump calls that don’t easily serve her agenda, and spend much time countering a call that she might see as conflicting with her agenda after the caller is no longer able to clarify or defend. She usually won’t help callers who need to know HOW to discern, determine, or elicit something from others, so she gets curt or scolding if a caller says “I don’t know” regarding the reasons behind another person’s behavior. She can tell them how to find out, but she usually won’t. She will, more often, try to get the other person onto the program as well, which almost never happens.

2. Sometimes, she doesn’t listen. Per the point above, she doesn’t really need to listen to the caller in order to make assumptions and pontificate. But it can be a problem for her when listeners who are paying close attention notice, because they want her advice and statements to logically flow from what the caller said. And the caller sure wants that! There are reasons she might not listen to any given caller, other than preparing her retort or daydreaming. She has ads to read, other calls listed on her screen, work going on around her home (she works from home), a really great view, her dog, program staff talking in her ear (every once in a while we hear them when we’re not supposed to), and she eats, unmuted, during the program, while taking calls.

3. She doesn’t accept that crosstalk is a normal part of phone conversations, and reacts angrily to it. The way phones, especially mobile phones, work, there is no good way to avoid all crosstalk. Every other talk program host seems to have accepted that some crosstalk is to be expected, and calmly and politely work around it.

4. She interrupts, and not pleasantly. Related to the above, she will often ask the caller a question, the caller will start to answer, Dr. Laura will interrupt the caller mid-sentence, then be upset that the caller didn’t immediately stop the moment she interrupted. This can sidetrack the entire call. She has had many methods of interrupting, but the one she currently favors is a loud, high-pitched “WOO HOO!!! WOO HOO!!!” No thanks! Maybe try a gong? At least it would be funny. 

5. We have an incompatible worldview. I'm a Theist who believes in miracles, including that the Lord can and does operate in our lives. This does NOT excuse inaction on our part when, where, and how we should act. Followers of Jesus are supposed to do certain things and not do certain other things. Dr. Laura has decidedly dismissed certain things Theists in general and Christians in particular consider part of life. Sometimes her worldview, which appears to be Deistic or Atheistic, conflicts with this. This has an impact on the advice she gives and can cause her to sound critical of Christian theology.

Also, one of the things I'd ask her about is how to handle divorcing my wife in terms of my communication and other behaviors, if I were to do that. But Dr. Laura tends to think men owe women money for sex, whereas I see sex as something people share. Of course the law would force me to pay a lot in a divorce, but I don't see it as immoral to seek how to pay as little as legally possible.

6. Dr. Laura lives in a different world. Most radio hosts and most advice mavens pretty much live in the same world as the rest of us. For a long time now, Dr. Laura has had a net worth of tens of millions of dollars, if not more. She lives in an exclusive estate she tried to sell for 20+ million dollars. She pretty much works a job she loves, with no boss, four days per week, from home, for probably about 4 hours per day mid-day. Good for her, and I mean that, for doing so well. But it has influenced her advice sometimes, when she fails to understand the limitations and demands on her callers. One big thing I’ll be facing includes retirement. She often speaks out against it. I don’t need to be told not to retire.

Furthermore, disapproving of shacking up, casual sex, and making "salad" (blended) families is fine, but failing to grasp what present-day dynamics are, whether we like them or not, and deal with them, is a problem. We hear this when she tells a teen or young woman that the guy they had sex with is telling all of his friends, as if that is still some deterrent. There’s no stigma anymore in casual sex, unmarried cohabitation, and stepfamily constructs, or having a big wedding when any or all of these things have been involved. As my kids reach adulthood, I might be dealing with these things whether I like it or not. 

She has an unreasonable bias against technology. She rejects the use social media because she had to struggle to get her platform and now just any lowly person can have their message go viral even though they haven’t “earned” it. These things are a part of my life and there’s nothing wrong with that. 

7. She has a terrible history with family and close relationships. Her critics have made a point in pointing out her estrangement from her mother, which is part of the reason her mother was dead for quite a while before anyone knew. In Dr. Laura’s defense, as she has pointed out, her mother apparently had no friends to notice she wasn’t present, but Dr. Laura also wasn’t close to her father, apparently isn’t close to her sister, didn’t keep her first marriage together, and either her son and/or daughter-in-law requested she not talk about them on air anymore, other than mentioning stories of his childhood, or they’re estranged. Whatever is going on, it’s very different from when she’d frequently mention them, have current pictures of the three of them together posted on social media (which is OK for her to use), and have the DIL on the air with her to talk about HR situations. We also know Dr. Laura, well into adulthood and her career, decided to practice Orthodox Judaism (her mother was an Italian Catholic, her father Jewish), got her husband and son into it as well, then she stopped, apparently because of some problems with some people. What’s the common denominator in all of this?

We don’t really know how her relationship to her late husband was. We know she didn’t give their son her husband’s last name, and we know what little she has said: he was ill or in delicate health for years before he passed, he agreed with her when she said she’d destroy him if he ever hurt their son (said when she was pregnant), he protected her while she was very pregnant and crossing a busy street, he’d gas up her car. We really haven’t been told more, so we don’t know more than that and how the relationship started. He doesn’t show up in the stories of her son’s childhood other than handling something at the school office.

Yes, a heart surgeon can treat heart ailments even if they have their own heart ailments or even unhealthy behaviors. But in the context with everything else, it’s a concern. I have benefited from what she’s said and written about marriage and family, but it has to be taken with much salt.

8. General rudeness. I can agree that, sometimes, her tactics are “necessary” to push a caller out of their rut. However, that’s not always the case, as other professionals have demonstrated. She herself will, occasionally, show that she can be gentle and pleasant in dealing with a caller, so we know she can do it.

It’s definitely rude for the host of a call-in talk program to make assertions and bring up topics but refuse to take calls pertaining to them. If I could call her and discuss some of her assertions I think might be flawed, I might. But she doesn’t allow for that. She will not argue nor debate. As such, I’m left with thinking she’s mistaken or being too selective in the studies she uses; maybe I’m wrong, but she won’t take the steps to show why. Callers aren’t even allowed to address something relating to a previous caller other than to ask for “clarification.” 

So, there it is. I don't want to be misinterpreted and verbally beat up, I can't ask many questions I'd like to ask, and I have doubts that for some of my specific concerns, I'd be getting advice that isn't being skewed by her own obvious biases and the relational failures she doesn't discuss. Those are the reasons I don't call. I could call her to praise her for the many things I do like about her program, books, social media, etc., but that’s boring radio.

Men You Shouldn't Marry

This post is directed at women. 

I've written a lot here about women men shouldn't marry. But how about men that women shouldn't marry?

I've gathered these from women in general, media by and directed at women, and marriage advocates of both sexes, including Dr. Laura. Plus, as a man, I know how men can be, so I figure I should warn you.

Most of these are reason enough individually to NOT marry him, but if more than one describes him, that's even worse! In no particular order:

1. You're not strongly attracted to him. If he doesn't make you tingle and make you weak in the knees, you can't marry him. It wouldn't be fair to him and you're not going to be happy for very long.

2. He's younger than 28, or older than 40 and has never been married, or more than 10 years older than you, or more than a few years younger than you. If he's younger than 28, he's too young and immature to marry. If he's 41 or older and has never been married, he doesn't really want to be married or there is something else terribly wrong with him. If he's 11 or more years older than you, he just wants a young hardbody he can manipulate. If he's more than a few years younger than you, he wants a Mommy, not a wife.

3. He's proposed in less than 24 months. He's not taking marriage seriously. He doesn't know you and you don't know him. He's desperate.

4. He wants a prenup. That means he's planning to leave you.

5. He asks you about your sexual past. He's an insecure, misogynistic pervert.
 
6. He's not an Alpha Male. You need a stoic REAL MAN who takes charge, can handle himself, and handles business, not some wimpy guy whining about his feelings.

7. He's a Momma's Boy. You don't want a guy who cares so much what his mother thinks and is always catering to her, especially if he's lived with her after turning 18.

8. He has a family member in his life who is trouble. He should have distanced himself from any problematic family member.

9. He flirts with other women, like waitresses, receptionists, etc. Smiling at these women, looking them in the eye, joking with them, laughing at their jokes... who needs that?!? You should be the only woman to whom he looks.

10. He's not established in his career and making a lot of money. You can't build a marriage, let alone a family, with a guy who is still trying to figure out what he's going to be when he grows up, who needs to relocate, who is still getting an education.

11. He earns less than you. Why do you need that? You want a man who will take care of you. Plus, it isn't good for his ego.

12. He doesn't have at least as much education as you. You deserve a husband who has at least as much education as you, not some loafer who can't finish anything.

13. He's too focused on work. If he works long hours, or doesn't make it home to have dinner with you, or is texting/calling/emailing his boss, coworkers, or subordinates when he's with you, then he's neglectful and his priorities are screwed up.

14. He's plays video games. Why would he do such a childish thing when he could be watching The Bachelor with you?

15. He has a Facebook account. Did you know people survived for thousands of years without Facebook? A guy shouldn't be on Facebook.

16. He doesn't ask you what you want. He should be seeking your happiness, not being self-centered. 

17. He doesn't share his feelings. If he's not going to open up to you and be vulnerable, you can't have a real relationship.

18. He doesn't discuss things with you. If he's not willing to discuss anything and everything with you, then you can't have a real relationship.

19. He has shacked up. This means he's OK with mistreating and using women and doesn't value marriage.

20. He wont tell you about his sexual past. He's hiding something and has hang-ups, and probably erectile dysfunction. He's quite possibly gay. He's definitely had way too many sex partners. 

21. He's viewed porn. This means he's OK with sex trafficking, objectifying, abusing, and raping women and probably kids as well. He's not going to be satisfied with a real woman. Porn melts brains and turns men into serial killers. It's a public health crisis. Most importantly, his eyes should only be for you.

22. He's divorced. Second marriages have a 70-percent divorce rate, and he probably can't keep a woman happy.

23. He's a widower. A real man protects and takes care of his wife. Fail. 

24. He's had sex. If he's had sex outside of marriage, then he's OK with having sex outside of marriage, which means he's more likely to cheat on you. If he's only had sex inside of marriage, it means he's either divorced or a widower, which we already covered. 

25. He has kids. Maybe he had them within marriage, but remember, he shouldn't have had prior marriages. And if he had them outside of marriage, he's more likely to have them outside of YOUR marriage! And if those kids are minors, he should be focused on raising them, not bringing a stepmother into their life. He's going to choose them over you, and if he doesn't he should!

26. He neglects his mother. If he neglects her, he'll neglect you. A man who isn't warm and doting on his mother won't dote on you.

27. He's an only child. He doesn't have any siblings to babysit your children or provide other support. He's used to getting his way and doesn't understand sibling dynamics or what it is like to live with kids. The burden of caring for his parents will fall solely on him.

28. He's never dated a woman with kids. He doesn't like kids! He's unable or unwilling to step up and be a real man and take on a paternal role. He's selfish. He's not attracted to women who've had kids, which will doom your relationship.

29. He abandoned a kid of an ex. He's cold-hearted and doesn't care about children if he didn't keep being a paternal figure to the child of an ex.

30. He's lived on his own for many years. He's used to having his own way. How is he going to live with you?

31. He asks you what you want. He should know already! Why is he adding to your emotional labor???

32. He had a girlfriend or crush when he was in high school or younger. That means he's attracted to minors, which makes him a pedophile. You can verify this whether or not he's admitted to having such a crush by showing him a picture of a model who is 17 years and 11 months old. Don't tell him her age. Ask if he thinks she's pretty. If he says yes, he's a pedophile. 

33. He has the kids of ex girlfriends in his life. That's going to confuse any kids you have with him and take away time and possibly money from them. What's worse is that it will keep him in touch with his ex girlfriend.

34. He compliments you on your appearance. This means that he's a misogynist who objectifies you. 

35. He's cold to waitresses, receptionists, etc. and will barely look at them. If that's the way he treats them, that's the way he will eventually treat you. He's not a good person.

36. He hasn't had sex. Something must be wrong with him and he's not desired by other women. If they don't want him, you shouldn't either. 

37. He argues with you. He should respect your opinion enough to defer to you, not cause you stress.

38. He yells. This is abuse and will lead to you being battered.  

39. It's been 30 months and he hasn't proposed. Leave. He's wasting your time. Do not accept a proposal from him, because he wouldn't be proposing because he really wants you, just because you decided to leave.  

This isn't an exhaustive list, such as a criminal record, substance abuse, and him not being at least a few inches taller than you.

Don't settle, ladies!!! Refuse to marry or live with a man who is beneath you!!!

Marriage Material Men

Let’s Check Up on a Marital Bed Again

It’s been over a year since I posted this.

So, we’ve had another year, another anniversary, our birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, and so on.

The kids are older and more self-sufficient.

Speaking of anniversaries, I was happy, but didn’t let myself get too happy, that our anniversary prompted my wife to look again for “adult” items, such as toys. I told her it meant a lot to me and I presented excitement and enthusiasm. The business she bought from has a clever marketing/sales strategy, so she bought plenty of items, supposedly at low prices.

The reason I secretly tempered my excitement is that she’s bought toys, games, and other items before. They hardly get used. We have at least one activity book that’s gone unused - ever. She took a look through it and that was it.

But… I wanted to encourage her effort this time, even knowing it wasn’t going to lead to much in the short term and even less in the long term.

Yes, we’ve tried out most of what she bought. Most stuff got tried…once.

When you’re only getting sexual once every few weeks or less, bells and whistles are likely to be neglected.

I mean, what can I expect when we left town (at great expense and hassle) for our anniversary and, per her planning, we brought the kids with us, and they stayed with us in the same room?

Yes, we could send them out of the room, and we did. But… really.

She knows we don’t do it enough. She knows her inhibitions are restrictive. She has said both of those truths. But she’s not doing anything to change it. And there’s nothing I can do change it.

On the plus side, she hasn’t added new restrictions since my previous post. That might be because I learned not to bring the subjects of not getting enough sex/wanting to do certain things; she took those opportunities in the past to say boner-killing stuff and add more restrictions.

So, here we are.

If you’re not married, don’t lock yourself into that terrible state contract, guys. Stay free. If you want female companionship, running game will get you plenty with little cost or trouble. If you absolutely must be what you’ll think is monogamous, you still should avoid that terrible state contract.

Important Messages to Young Men - Health Is Invaluable

The introduction to this series is here.

Health is invaluable. If you're in good health and haven't been suffering from any serious illnesses, genetic problems, or injuries, you might feel indestructible and not be thinking much about it, but good health is one of the most important things in life and shouldn't be taken for granted. Bad health is limiting, costly, and time consuming.

If you're in good health, you almost certainly have fewer years of good health ahead of you than overall time, and as I said previously in this series, life is short. Someday, an injury or illness or just plain old age will do you in.

You have no control over which genes you got, but you can control what you consume and whatever else you do.

So:

• Get the sleep you need
• Keep yourself on the move by walking briskly, bicycling, hiking, climbing, or swimming - something with "cardio."
• Build and keep your muscles - like with cardio, you don’t have to join a gym to do this, if you need to save money and have the discipline to do it without a formal gym
• Control your anger, rage, aggression, and depression - therapy, exercise, and hobbies can help
  
• Watch what you eat and drink - the best way to lose excess fat is to never put it on in the first place - the 2nd best way is to move more and eat less
  
• Practice good hygiene, keeping your body washed, your hands washed and/or sanitized throughout the day, brush and floss your teeth and use a rinse
• Be careful about where you stick your penis and your mouth, and get tested regularly if you're not
  
• Be careful about steroids, booze, smoking of any sort, vaping, or any mind/mood altering substances whether prescribed, legally allowed, or illegal - you want your brain to function at its optimum, you don’t want addiction, and dirty needles are death
• Don't pick unnecessary fights and be careful about fights picking you - consider serious self-defense training, which will teach that it’s usually best to avoid a fight
  
• Don’t engage in stupid, unnecessary risks, like street racing
• Don’t shortcut safety protections for work
• Go to your doctors - all of them, including your dentist, and don’t ignore symptoms
  

You’re not indestructible. If you want a good, long life, you’ll take your health seriously. Bad health makes good sex less likely. Good health puts you at an advantage in many aspects of life.

Life is Short

Life on the Carousel

In an effort to discourage what they see as unfair competition, people like Dr. Laura will tell unmarried women something like:

 "The more sexual partners a woman has before she marries, the less she'll enjoy marital sex."

How exactly is that determined?

We can't compare people to themselves. No one person has had both experiences - having many sexual partners before marrying and having few or none before marrying. So how can anyone know?

This is how it is determined. Usually among other questions, they ask women who are or were married:

• How satisfied they are/were with their marital sex life
• How many partners they had before they married

Then, they notice that there appears to be some correlation.

Let's be clear about a few things though.

1) This is based on self reporting. People who have had few or no sex partners before their marriage have nothing for comparison. It's like giving a starving person plain rice. How happy is that person going to be with rice? Very! As far as sex, it's basically saying "I like sex" or "I'm happy with our sex life" even if they're having sex four times per year.

2) Who has few or no sex partners before marrying? Very religious people. Many of them consider it a sin or even a "negative confession" to say that they are anything less than thrilled with their marital sex life. Also, some unattractive women don't attract many sex partners. Of those who do marry, they're probably going to be happy.

3) There are many women who saved sex for marriage and then had a terrible sex life.

4) There are women who had "many" sex partners before marriage and have a great marital sex life. They tend to be women who like sex a lot and have a high drive.

5) What people who use this tactic are advocating is that you make vows and sign a state contract with someone before finding out if you're sexually compatible. It is VERY different to have no sex at all before marrying and to get very sexual with one person before marrying them. The latter often get lumped together with the former, even though with the latter, if they realize they're not sexually compatible, they are far less likely to marry in the first place.

6) It means something that the people who use this tactic don't apply to anything else. If a woman never goes to a nice restaurant before she marries, won't that make the experience of going to one with her husband that much more special? So an unmarried woman should decline offers to go to a nice restaurant, right?

There are many women who get bored of sex. If those women have had many sex partners before they married, then they might hit that wall of boredom earlier in their marriage. Incels and some others (like Dr. Laura, "purity" purveyors) say a woman's ability to bond, and thus enjoy sex more, gets damaged more the more sex partners she has (like a piece of tape that gets reused and reused loses effectiveness). But for any individual woman, there's no assurance that she'll enjoy sex a lot if she's waits and she won't enjoy it much if she doesn't.

Again, these studies never separate out women who have decided not to marry at all, are enthusiastic about sex, and don't have moral qualms about unmarried sex. Some of them enjoy sex very much. I know my first serious girlfriend enjoyed sex a lot even after having many partners. Or at least she was very effective at pretending to.

A Tale of Two Dear Abby Letters

Two recent letters to Dear Abby provide lessons for men, especially when taken together.
 
PUT-UPON MOM IN GEORGIA wrote:

My 50-year-old daughter divorced her husband 15 years ago because she thought she could do better.

Unless it would truly be better for her to be alone, you already know that was a stupid move. Did she talk with any other women around that age about how hard it is to find good men?

From what I could see, he was a good husband. She didn't work and lived a comfortable lifestyle with two small children.

How much in assets did that guy lose? How much money went to lawyers? How much alimony did he have to pay? How much time with his kids got taken away from him? How much child support did he have to pay?

Since the divorce, that lifestyle has gone steadily downhill.

Of course!

She can't hold a job because she always finds some way to be offended, and quits.

What must it have been like to live with her?

She had a house my husband and I paid the down payment on, but lost it by making the ownership joint with her abusive second husband.

So she exposed her kids to an abuser?

She no longer receives child support because her children are grown, so her finances are worse than ever. We bought her a car last year because she had no transportation.

All that money should have gone in to trying to get custody of the kids, or helping their first ex son-in-law so do. And isn't child support supposed to be for the children? Why did it stopping hurt her finances if she no longer had to support children? Hmmm...

My question is this: How much should we continue to financially support her?

NO MORE!

Yet again, guys, we see that you should avoid signing a terrible state contract with a woman.

In another letter, PROCEEDING WITH CAUTION wrote:

I'm a 32-year-old woman. My 20s were spent in a serious long-term relationship. It was a lot of firsts for me. After we split, I took a couple of years to sow my wild oats and find out who I am as an individual.

Guys, you want to meet up with women when they are doing that.

I'm now looking for something more than "friends with benefits."

"I've had my fun."

However, the last few men I've met and gone on dates with, as wholesome as they seemed on dating sites (which have been my main source of meeting men), were really just looking for hookups. I want to find a life partner.

What does "life partner" mean? Dose it involve someone doing free work for you? Paying your way through life?

Most men want hookups. Some are willing do more because they think they have to. But most men, especially if they know what they're doing can get hookups. That's the competition you're facing.

I have been chatting with a potentially great guy I met online, and we have a date scheduled. But I'm nervous that when we meet that he'll expect more than a date. I'm over that. Like I said, I want an actual relationship.

You're over that? So you don't like sex?

Can you give me some advice on what to do and say, or not, on a first or second date to help move it in the right direction without scaring the guy away?

That depends if you're going to hold out or not. If you're not going to hold out, don't bother with the speech. If you are going to hold out, be blunt about that, and tell him it's not an invitation for him to try to persuade you differently.

If he sticks around, consider he might be desperate, have little drive, be gay, or otherwise in little interest in grown women. Or, he might be very religious. Are you willing to be with a man who is very religious, and everything that entails?

Pay attention, men.

November Requires Evasive Meneuvers For American Men

 

Free Men, hopefully you didn't spend your Halloween catering to a woman.

If you haven't done so already, you need to start implementing your holiday game plan. Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas, New Years, and Valentine's Day are on their way.

There are two main considerations for you:

1) Dealing with family and "friends" who will be asking you (or pestering you) about your status as a free man. You now how it goes. "When are you going to get married?" Questions like that.

2) Avoiding spending those special days with a woman who wants to take away your status as Free Man, or will be expecting you to spend a lot of time, money, and effort on her.

Don't do something foolish and start thinking there is "the one" to whom you should hand over your freedom. Don't be so ignorant, delusional, or masochistic that you're thinking you want to be exclusive with a woman.

What a Woman Can Do With Your DNA

There are some simple facts of biology. Men usually produce millions of viable sperm cells on an ongoing basis. A man is able to do so starting in puberty and lasting most of the rest of his life. Sperm cells can leave his body while he's asleep. He doesn't have to have an orgasm to expel sperm cells.  New human life takes place inside women. Women get pregnant, men do not.

There are some basic realities of current law. Once a woman has possession of a man's sperm cells, he has lost any control, legally, he has over them.

When a sperm cell leaves a man's body, he loses all control of his own DNA.

Here are the things a woman can do with YOUR sperm cells, men:

Don’t Call Dr. Laura If You’re Doubting Truth Claims of Your Religious Organization

I don’t think Dr. Laura has explicitly stated what her current theological beliefs are other than a few limited statements. She has every right to keep her theology private. Although she'll sometimes work with a caller's tradition, the program isn’t a religious one. But because it isn’t a religious program, she should probably defer some calls. [Bumping this up because it is still relevant.]

From what she has said, she’s either a Deist, Agnostic, or Atheist. It matters, and we can discern this to be so, because she doesn’t believe in miracles and will get snippy with a caller who mentions or implies being saved from a terrible or worse fate by supernatural intervention. Also, because she encourages people to stay with their current religious organization, as if it really doesn’t matter which one they are with. 

I originally felt compelled to write this entry because of a call she took on Tuesday, December 10, 2019, 27 minutes into first podcast hour. But she has subsequently taken other calls reinforcing my point.

“Sarah” or “Sara” was the caller. The caller said hello and started to get emotional, saying she didn't want to get emotional. She was crying.

"I was raised in a very orthodox religion..."

Dr. Laura asked which one. "You were raised in what church?"

"The Mormon church."

Sarah went on to say "Recently, within the last couple of years, I found out a lot of inconsistencies about the church, a lot of things that I was taught that aren't true about the church…”

She started getting emotional again.

Dr. Laura told her she needed to stop crying. "This is not life and death."

Well, actually, for believers, it is. It certainly was for the martyrs.

"Why Can't Men Be Upfront and Honest?" - Part 6

Male nature means he's thought about it. Keep reading for an explanation of what I mean.

I've meant to write something like this for a long time now, but after seeing a couple of women on Reddit asking related questions, I'm finally doing this.

You need to sit down and brace yourself. This may come as a surprise to women, especially the more "education" they've been through, but...

Men and women are different. Some of those differences are natural, and we were born with these differences.

You might need to take a minute to recover from reading that. You might be angry with me. But it's the truth. And the sooner you accept that, the better off everyone will be. Read it as many times as you need.

You need to keep that truth in mind when you say you want men (or, "your" man) to be honest, to be vulnerable, to be open, to share things with you, to tell you what they're thinking, to share their fantasies, to not have secrets from you, etc.

Because here's one thing that it means that might startle, disturb, or disgust you, because you literally have a brain that works differently:

Men are attracted to a far wider spectrum of women than women are to men. In general, for any woman he's spent any amount of time around, he's wondered what she looks like naked, has pictured it, has likely thought at least briefly what it would be like to have sex with her, and even might have masturbated with her in his mind, no matter how briefly. This includes female neighbors and coworkers, your friends, even your sister, mother, etc. This is male biology. This is part of male sexual nature.

Are there exceptions? Yes. They include:

You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married

Have you ever heard that saying I used as the title of this entry?

Have you seen the exchange written in the picture to the left, or anything like it? Or experienced something like it?

When I got engaged, someone gave me a graph depicting a man's chances winning and argument. It starts at 50%, then goes to 25% when he gets engaged, then to 0% when he married.

How many times have you heard men told that the key to a happy marriage is to learn to say "Yes, Dear."?

Consider this letter from a listener to Dr. Laura:

Winning Isn't Everything

I have been married for 27 years, and I have a few thoughts to share about working through arguments with your loved one.

1.You should listen enough to at least let the other person articulate their issue or point of view.

2.Do not force the other person to listen if they don't want to!

3.Listen to YOURSELF so that you are not ever speaking too loudly, with harshness or even a hints of sarcasm.

4.It doesn't matter who wins - it's how both parties feel afterwards.

Sometimes being a good loser makes you both winners.

The letter is really good right up to the underlined part.

I realize that letter is to be considered by both husbands and wives, but the bulk of these things are directed at husbands. We're told in many ways that we're supposed to simply accept and/or announce that we're wrong even when there hasn't been a logical explanation that even demonstrates the possibility that we are. We're supposed to cater to unjustified or even irrational hostility, demands for apologies, and her claim of control, except where she has inconsistently and temporarily (and often silently) ceded some power back to us.

Author of Men on Strike Interviewed at NRO

[This entry is an interesting time capsule from September 2013. I'm bumping it up because it is interesting to me to go back and see what my observations and thinking were, and what was in media, at the time.]

* * * * * * *

I've heard two interviews with Helen Smith about her book Men on Strike, one by Tom Leykis and one by Michael Medved, who have very different goals and perspectives than each other. Kathryn Jean Lopez of National Review Online interviewed Smith and the interview is up.

Most men who are consciously on a marriage strike are also going to avoid having (more) children and they will try to influence other men boys to do the same.

Obviously, if this idea catches on and sticks, it means fewer thinking, responsible, productive men getting married and raising children. That's a problem for governments, churches, and all of the people who depend on such men, especially dependent or lazy women, or women desperate to have children who do not want to raise them without a man. So some people have a bit of a panic about this.

Of course, the marriage strike can be ended if there is a successful effort to mitigate the concerns of the strikers. But how likely is that to happen?

Yes, I'm a Christian and I believe the Bible. The most persuasive Biblical argument I've heard that men are required to marry, if possible, and have children, is that we are told to go forth and multiply to spread God's image (that's people) all over the world. However, hasn't that been done? Mission accomplished in that regard. Taking the Bible as a whole, there simply is no requirement that men today marry and have children. What many Christian leaders will say is that men can't control themselves and since fornication is so awful, they should marry. A lot of these same people would tell me I got married with the wrong attitude because I married because I wanted to have sex (and because I wanted to be a father who gave his children the best circumstances I could.)

Some marriage strikers are Christian. Some are atheists, or have some other worldview. Some swear off women entirely, others indulge in fornication. Some have never had a desire to marry. Some have a desire to marry and have children, but that desire is trumped by their concerns about the legal system and culture. Some want to avoid marriage so they can goof off, others want to avoid marriage because it slows down their work as very important scientists. It's a diverse group.

Anyway, here are some excerpts of the interview:

LOPEZ: Who are “White Knights” and “Uncle Tims” and why are they a problem?

SMITH: White Knights are typically conservative men who are chivalrous and always trying to protect women and have no problem with biased laws that punish men while protecting women. Uncle Tims are generally liberal guys looking to get sex or political favors by being male sellouts to their own gender. They are the Bill Clinton types who crack down on their own gender, using biased laws such as sexual harassment while sleeping with women and using them.

Terms like "mangina" and "beta" get thrown around in some circles.

LOPEZ: How has the Obama administration curbed due-process rights of men on campus?

SMITH: The Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights sent out a “Dear Colleague” letter in 2011 telling colleges that take federal funds that they should use a lower preponderance-of-evidence standard in sexual-assault cases. Basically it is “50 percent plus one,” meaning that a campus tribunal can decide a young man is guilty with less certainty than is needed in a criminal trial. Read the case of Judith Grossman’s son in the Wall Street Journal to find out more about how young men are believed to be guilty without a fair trial or real evidence.

Outrageous.

Ladies, do you care about your brothers? Your sons?

* * * * * * *

[Now I am more stridently in support of the marriage strike.]

No, Men, Your Standards Are Not Too High

Are you an unmarried man who's been told that your standards for a wife are too high? [This an entry from October 2015 I'm bumping up. It still holds up.]

They're not.

At least, they're not if you're self-sufficient.

Don't get theological on me. I know we're all dependent on God – I'm talking about self-sufficient in being able to pay your bills, finance your future, and otherwise meet your obligations and maintain your domicile.

If you're self-sufficient, and not sickly or disabled, your standards for a wife are not too high, no matter what they are.

Marriage is entirely voluntary. Marriage isn't necessary to live a productive and full life. As a man, getting married means taking on certain obligations and serious risks legally, financially, and socially. Every benefit a marriage might bring a man is provided at the voluntary generosity of a an irrational creature who can rescind her generosity without any penalty for doing so, and those things can all be obtained without marriage. (The exceptions are: 1. If a man believes unmarried sex is fornication and wants sex without fornicating – but getting married is no guarantee of satisfying sex, or sex at all, and 2. If a man wants to raise children within a marriage.)

Your standards are not too high.

You don't need to, and you should not, spend a couple of years paying for a woman's meals and entertainment and buying her gifts on those "special occasions" scattered throughout the year.

You don't need to, and you should not, buy her overpriced jewelry to wear on her finger.

You don't need to, and you should not, pay for a series of expensive parties that are mostly about her.

You don't need to, and you should not, take on children a woman has had by other men.

You don't need to, and you should not, take on debts a woman incurred before she even met you.

You don’t need to, and you should not, sign a legal document that ensures at least half of everything you'll ever earn will be hers and that you will support her should the relationship end and that you'll be the legal/financial father if she conceives children by another man.

If you're going to make someone your default beneficiary and give them power to make medical decisions for you, or if you're going to be sharing a home and a bed with this person, then your standards are NOT too high.

If a married person tells you your standards are too high, ask them if that means they had low standards when they married.

I'm still waiting for just one good reason for a man to marry and if you're thinking about getting married, you should also try this exercise.

When Guys Who Avoid Marriage Tell Others to Marry

Dr Laura read this during Hour 2 of her program on Tuesday, February 8, 2022. It's titled "What Are the Social Benefits of Marriage?"

Please note that all of the supposed social benefits for marriage for men can be obtained without legally marrying.

Also note that the website is owned by "United States Conference of Catholic Bishops." If marriage is so great, why don't any of them get married??? This is like men who all vow to eat steak on a regular basis telling everyone else how great being a vegan is. Roman Catholic bishops rely on Catholics having more children so that those children will fill their churches and schools.

Who Tells You to Get Married?

Dennis Prager urges men to marry, and marry young, and if they get divorced, to marry again. This sadistic and/or masochistic call is something he seems to bring up as often as he can.

But after all of this time of paying attention to him, it finally occurred to me he must not spend much time with his wife.

Yes, his radio show is only three hours [update: two hours], Monday-Friday. However, there's preparation for that, and he is usually not doing the show from home, which means there's commute time.

We also know that he:

• Meets with sponsors of his show 
• Records advertisements
• Has involvement with Prager University, including recording "1 every 10 of the videos"
• Meets with Prager U donors
  
• Does "fireside chat" videos
• Does a podcast with a 22 year-old woman, as he frequently reminds us
• Does other media appearances, such as radio and television
  
• Travels frequently, as in just about every week or multiple times per week, and his wife is likely not with him for all of his travels 
• Gives speeches and other in-person appearances (one of the reasons he travels so much)
• Writes a regular columns
• Writes books
• Reads books (granted, some of these can be done on his flights)
  
• Responds to some messages he gets at his website
• Exercises regularly at a gym and has a personal trainer
  

And we don't know what work/activities his wife has that take her away from him.

To me, this looks like a situation in which Dr. Laura would say "You don't have a marriage because you're not spending enough time together." But regardless of Dr. Laura's opinion, men who are told by Dennis Prager to get married (or, married again) must keep in mind Dennis Prager probably isn't spending all that much time with his wife.

It reminds me of when Roman Catholic priests, all unmarried, urge men to marry.

Very few husbands are going to be doing the amount of traveling Dennis Prager does. They're going to come home from work and have to deal with orders, nagging, complaints. Most will not amass the amount of wealth he has. Good for him for traveling and amassing the wealth he has. But when he tells men to do something that's going to mean dealing with a wife much more than he deals with his, those men need to be aware of where he's coming from: he's not spending as much time with his wife as they will with theirs, and he had an early indoctrination into an emotional conviction that all men should aspire to be husbands and they are somehow failing if they aren't a husband.

UPDATE: Dennis Prager has said on his radio program he prefers to go to restaurants than eat at home. Most listeners of his aren't going to be eating out nearly as often as he does.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Dennis is recovering and adjusting to an accident that has paralyzed him. My prayers for him have shifted accordingly. Obviously the accident has completely changed his life.