Tuesday, May 03, 2011

I Didn't Get Married To Have More Bills

My wife's New Years resolution I wrote about here didn't last long. She actually reminded me of it the other day, remarking that she had let it disappear. I'd forgotten. How bad is that?

Why are things like this? In my wayward youth, every date or evening with my girlfriend of any given moment would involve sex (one we were into the relationship, that is). This was 3-4 times per week. Here I am, a married man, and we're making love a dismal once a week and maybe, maybe she throws in mercy oral once between lovemaking sessions.

It is possible, that, despite how passionate she was when we were dating (and deliberately restricting our physical affection), she simply has a low libido.

It could be her medication, which can reduce libido. But she was taking that when we were dating and she displayed a lot more passion then.

If I wanted to get really cynical, I could say it was the wedding cake and the kids. She has what she wants. She doesn't want any more kids because she doesn't think she can take care of more. An orgasm is not enough of a motivator to make love more often, apparently, and my desire for lovemaking isn't as important in her eyes as my need for sleep.

By the time everything is taken care of on any given day, it is clear I'm not going to be getting enough sleep, so she urges me to simply go to sleep, as making love would deprive me of some of the precious little sleep I'll be getting, and if she allows me to bring her or orgasm, she'll not be able to get to sleep until later than she would otherwise.

I could force the issue, of course, but that kind of defeats the purpose. I don't want a hostage in bed, or to feel I am inconveniencing the woman I am supposed to cherish. I want a passionate and enthusiastic partner.

As much as I stress that fornication is wrong, I can cite some good things about that part of my past. One of those things is that I know I'm not a horrible lover. If I didn't have that experience, I would be rather insecure and down on myself. I would be convinced that I must be a horrible lover and thus a failure as a husband, and nothing she could say would be able to change that, because the proof I'd have would be in the action (or lack of it) and attitude I have already experienced with her. And when she indicates lovemaking is no big deal for her, the message is received, as it is with any husband who hears such a thing, that is isn't a big deal to make love with me.

I didn't have to fool or manipulate those past lovers into having sex with me. If anything, my past lovers were the aggressors. Such is the state of the "gentler" sex these days. I never felt like I was keeping them from something else they wanted to do, or otherwise inconveniencing them, or making them do a chore. Of course, none of those women were right for me, and I didn't marry any of them. I married my wife. My wife takes care of our kids. My wife is a grandmaster coupon shopper. My wife makes dinner. My wife does laundry and washes the dishes. She does a lot for our family, and it isn't like I’m forgetting all of that. But I do want to make her lose control, to lose herself in the moment more often. I want her to enjoy herself and enjoy my affection.

So what is the answer? Turn up the romance, right? But there's only so much we can do to increase that in our lives right now. In fact, we've recently been managing to get a limited date night once a week (which is an improvement), but the circumstances mean... surprise... even less sleep, and that's not because of lovemaking. If anything, these date nights are less conducive to lovemaking than other nights.

At this rate, if she ever does get an fire lit down below, I might be so over it I'll need a little blue pill to have sex with her rather than masturbate.

See: Married Men Get More Sex


  1. Anonymous1:59 PM

    You complain of sex once a week with the occasional mercy oral. I am can only feel jealousy.

    Try here


  2. Yes, enthusiastic and passionate. Is that too much to ask for?

    If I meet him for lunch, why can't we drive the frikkin' minivan to some secluded place and make-out like teenagers (make-out like we did when we were teenagers)?

    Blah, I suppose I should graduate to whatever the normal adult sex life is ... once or twice a week, close your eyes, and get it over with. Right?

  3. Anonymous10:32 PM

    I heard Dr. Laura, I'm sure it was her who said this (yes I stumbled across this, but she is right on this), and she said, when sex declines or is non existant, the woman doesn't want to put any effort into the marriage. Anne Landers also said love without sex and sex without love are wrong. I agree on that totally.

  4. Sorry for your predicament, Ken. I know it's not much consolation, but at once a week you're probably doing quite well for a man who's no longer needed as a sperm donor. I just hope you haven't boarded the train to Celibacy Station :).

  5. Thanks for all of the response. Thankfully, my wife does know that I (being a normal husband) do "need" sex, otherwise I'm the weekly lovemaking might have gone away. She does that more out of obligation, so perhaps she will get to the point she doesn't care about meeting that obligation anymore, like I know has happened with so many others. It's funny, in a way, because I can rememebr when she told me her married sister and BIL were only having sex once a week, and at the time, she was telling me in a "isn't that sad?" sort of way. Maybe I need to remind her of that conversation?

    I have optimism that things can get a lot better. I just need to figure out how. I'm thinking about a little role-play. Nothing kinky, just doing a role-play where I can actually say truthful things about what I need.

  6. Anonymous11:12 PM

    You are not alone, and there are some things you can do about it. Yes, you can go the "romance" route, the backrub, bubble bath, champaign, chocolate and lingerie route, but that will not even come close to bridging the gap between the amount of sex that you want and the amount that she will "give" you, never mind the amount that she actually wants.

    The fact is that women, pre marriage, are simply more into sex than after. I don't really believe that women are so mean, so manipulative, so Machievellian as to "entice" a man with lots of pre marital sex, knowing all along they intend to drastically reduce it or cut it off once they get married. Rather, lots of different factors are in play. First of all, young women are very, very sexual, both by nature and by nurture. By nature, they are "ready" for sex long before they are "legal," and much earlier than when they become adults. They've heard about sex. They've fantasized about it. It is the one thing that adult women are allowed to have that they aren't. Our whole culture encourages them to be sexual beings (to preen over their clothes and shoes and hair, to focus as much, if not more, on being "pretty" than anything else), yet they are not allowed to acually have sex. All the dating, the flirting, the note passing, the discussions over which boys are "hot" and so on. It goes on for years. Meanwhile, physically, their hormones are raging. Remember, in many human cultures, past and present, a girl of fourteen might well have already been married and pregnant. So, when a girl finally turns 17 or 18, and either goes away to college or otherwise escapes strict parental supervision, she is, as they say, hot to trot. And this tends to last for quite a while with women, until they are 25 or so. That's why all those girls you dated and even had LTRs in the past with were always good to go. Also, extra marital sex, even today, even with the sexual revolution, is just that little bit illicit. That makes it more exciting for women. The thrill of breaking a rule (even if that rule is not really honored), makes having sex seem exciting to women. It's hard for men to understand, perhaps, as our simple biological sex drive is so relentless that it doesn't need any "help." But, to a woman, it makes her cool and modern and, well, sexy, to be having sex with her boyfriend.

    Obviously, all of that falls by the wayside once she is married. Now, sex can be and often is put in terms of being her "duty." Even dutiful people don't usually find doing their duty to be much fun. Again, sorry to say, and I am not in the least accusing your wife of having done anything wrong, but the only thing that recreates that frission, that excitiment, that "tingle" for a married woman is an affair. An affair is exciting, it is illicit. It involves drama (which women usually love) and intrigue. It is forbidden. It also means that another man, a man unlike yourself, who, if you are faithful, has no choice but to turn to her for sex, finds her attractive. A man who desires her, who CHOOSES her, even though he has other options. Then too, and I'm not suggesting you're doing anything wrong, but the other man might be less jaded about her than her husband. He might compliment her more. He might notice her best features, her dress, her new hair style, whatever. After all, he wants to get over with a married woman, so, by definition, he is in the role of seducer. You, quite naturally, don't feel like you should have to "seduce" your wife. But he does, and that turns her on.

  7. Anonymous11:13 PM

    Also, and, again, I don't think women, by and large, are evil manipulatrixes, but, not for nothing, how long would a woman be your girlfriend, partiuclarly your LTR girlfriend, if she didn't have sex with you on a regular basis? Not very long, right? Women understand that and so, at an unconscious level, at least, they realize they have to have to sex with you if they have any intention of keeping you. Your wife doesn't actually have to have sex with you, at least in most places in the Western world. She has the right to say no. And, yeah, you can maybe get a divorce over it, but who is gonna get hurt more by that? Especially as you have kids.

    There is also a question of biology. Women who are in the motherhood phase of their lives may simply have lower sex drives. And that is reinforced culturally. A woman, particularly a SAHM, who is in the mother role for most of the day, just doesn't feel "sexy." She feels like a Mom, not a sex kitten. And, of course, being a SAHM, partiuclarly to young children, is actually hard work. It is tiring physically, psychologically, and emotionally. Of course, you work too, and no matter how much of a "modern father" you are, you can't relieve her of much of that burden, given that you are the wage earner and she the primary child care provider and housemaker. And, as you say, "date night" actually only serves to tire you both out further, making lovemaking an even more remote possibility.

    Many, many married men feel the way you do. And, sure, "surveys" may show that married men have more sex than single men, and they may even be right. But how does that help you? Also, even if they are right, so what? A big part of getting married, from a man's perspective, is that he thinks he will be getting sex on a regular basis. Sure, many single men have "dry spells," perhaps even long ones. But, then again, they're single. There is no woman out there who is "supposed" to have sex with them. And, even if they don't have as much as sex, they are free to try to, and with as many women as they choose. And, they do not have the soul crushing, intimacy destroying experience of being rejected for sex by their own wife. If the "hottie" at the bar rejects them, well, what did you expect? But to have your wife, your supposed "soul mate," the mother of your children, the person you go out and run the rat race every day for, turn you away is quite another story.

  8. Anonymous11:13 PM

    I could go on, but what's the point? You want to know what to do about it. Well, for one thing, because you have kids, I would not advise divorce. So how do you make things better?

    First of all, I would advise that you learn some "Game." I don't know what you've read about it or what preconcieved notions you have of it, but the fact is that "Game" is really nothing but understanding how woman behave (as opposed to what they say), why they feel they way they do, what turns them on and off, and applying that knowledge. It is NOT only useful for barroom pickups. It does entail making some changes in your personality. And, yeah, at least at first, it is a little bit phony. But, then again, isn't the "romance" stuff, which doesn't even have the merit of being successuful, also a little bit phony? A little bit like play acting? Many married men report having great success with Game. Of course, it's not a panacea. It doesn't neccesarily work as well with some women as with others. And it doesn't change the underlying biological and situational factors. But it gives you a shot. You end up acting more confident, more "cool," and less needy, whiney and wheedling. She feels like having sex with you because she is turned on, not because she "owes" it to you, "pities" you, or is afraid you will stray if she doesn't.

    Another thing I would recommend is, rather than "date night," you try to have as much time alone with your wife in your house as possible. Let your or her parents take the kids for a weekend, a week, or even two, in the summer. Send them off to camp. The more time you have, the less "pressure" there is. Also, if the kids aren't there, her "Mommy" role will recede somewhat. If you can't swing that, try to at least take a vacation (even if only for a long weekend) just with her.

    Finally, remember that this too will pass. If you can make it through the "Mommy" years, there is a good chance her sex drive will kick in again. Women in their late 30s and 40s are often much more sexual than they were in their late 20's and early 30's, particularly if they had young children in those years.

    I wish you good luck.

  9. Thanks all for the feedback. I will likely comment more in depth at a later date.

    Keep it coming!


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