Thursday, May 05, 2011

Many Flags Waving in the Wind

It seems rather simple to me. “Stuck” wrote in to Dear Margo:

I've been dating a wonderful man for nine months. We enjoy a variety of activities and generally have a lot of fun together. However, as I approach my 31st birthday, I find myself thinking in terms of the big picture.

I've always thought I would like to have children, but I would prefer not to have them close to my 40s. Although my boyfriend has never specifically stated that he does or does not want children,
Strike one.

we have some differences - approaches to managing money, for one,
Strike two.

and I like to travel, while he does not.
Strike three! He's OUT! (Actually, here's a likely translation of this "Woman" into English: "I like men to pay for me to take vacations. He's not falling for it.")

To date, he has not been able to say the "L" word, and from what I understand, this may be a lingering effect of his past relationship.
It's only been nine months. That isn't too long for him to wait, though you’ve probably been having sex for what, eight months?

I'm not sure what to do.
Date other men. Only see this guy if you have nobody more compatible to see and nothing else to do.

I feel ready to start thinking about settling down and having children in the near future, but I have no idea whether my boyfriend will be at that point anytime soon.
Don't bet on it.

Should I "go with the flow" for now and enjoy what we have, or discuss my thoughts?
Go with the flow if you value sex with him more than you value getting married, having kids, and traveling. Although travelling will likely be reduced if you have kids, at least until they are older, because it is such a gigantic pain in the behind to travel with young kids.

Dear Margo responded:

Why don't you ask him what his thoughts are?
Waste of time. If he really wanted kids, he would have brought up the subject already. Don't give her hope that talking about it is really going to change him. At "best" he'll agree to whatever she wants because he likes her company and doesn't want to go through the trouble of finding another woman who will have sex with him (even though it really isn't much trouble at all). Then, she'll get pregnant and he'll make her life miserable or he'll leave.

She should find someone more compatible with her who is prepared to get married.

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