Fourteen Years and Counting

TROUBLED HUSBAND IN MISSOURI wrote in to Dear Abby:

My wife, "Alana," and I have been married for 14 years.

Good for you!

In many ways our marriage is good, but our sex life is horrible.

For a husband to say this is like saying you're happy with your doctor except that her ability to diagnose and her advice are terrible. Sure, you might like how the office is run and your doctor's personality, but you're missing the best ingredient. It's like a wife saying her marriage is good, but her husband is horrible at communicating and doesn't earn money – and she's home with the kids.

In my opinion, it has never been good.

The longer you go like this, the harder it will be to improve things.

As time passes, I feel more and more anger toward her.

Well, yeah. But you do have some responsibility here – I mean, have you let her know? A lot of guys have no idea how to do that without making her feel awful and having her respond with holding back even more. Even "not good" sex is preferable to husbands than no sex, so we're reluctant to risk losing what little sex we're already getting.

Alana is attractive and physically fit; I don't understand her lack of desire.

Ah-HA! As visual as we are, most guys would choose a plain looking or modestly chubby wife who wants his body over a "10" who is made of ice. I know you said the sex has never been good, but has it always been about a lack of desire? How were things before you married? No indication of desire on her part, or did she pull a bait and switch? Even if you didn't have sex before you married, there should have been some indication of her libido.

When the subject of sex comes up, it makes us both clam up.

Well, that's not going to get anyone anywhere.

I have been thinking of leaving her. We have become more like best friends than husband and wife. Our two boys would be crushed if we split.

If they are minors (probably, given the length of the marriage), definitely stick together for now. Even if they aren't minors, it could be possible to make things a lot better and stay together.

I have not -- and would never consider -- an affair.

Good.

In general, men take a huge risk when they marry. There is no legal obligation for a wife to become or stay a good sexual partner, but there is an obligation for the husband to keep financially supporting her. Yes, I know a lot of women want good sex lives too, but sex is more important to men. If they save sex for marriage, it can be like – and I know these analogies break down because people are not things, but work with me here - but it is like buying a car without being able to see the whole thing, never mind looking under the hood or taking a test drive. Or buying a house that you're not allowed to enter or see inside until after the purchase, and then you have to live in it. Yes, we can tell if a woman is loving, attentive to our needs, etc. – but people get weird about sex and there's no guarantee her good qualities will carry through to lovemaking. Even if people are engaging in sex outside of marriage, things could change after the wedding, for any number of reasons.

I don't endorse sin. But there is a part of me that is, for lack of a better word, glad I had some of the experiences I had in my bachelor days, because at least I'm not curious about them, which matter to me because my wife is unwilling or unable to engage in similar things, and that may never change. I'm not talking about anything extreme or bizarre, either - fairly mainstream stuff. On the other hand, maybe if I was still curious I would have to have some more conversations with my wife about things that would make me feel vulnerable, possibly increasing our intimacy. Or maybe it would increase my frustration and hurt her feelings, depending on how things went. There's always a tradeoff with things like this, including spiritual, so although on one level I enjoyed those other experiences, they may still have negative consequences for me today and in the future.

Dear Abby responded:

Good sex is all about open communication.

No, open communication is often a very big part of good sex, but good sex is not all about open communication, at least not for men. We could have amazing sex with a woman we've never before, without even saying a word. Good sex itself can be the best form of communication for men.

Before you and Alana can get on the same wavelength, you need to understand how each of you defines a good sex life.

Good point.

Before deciding to call it quits, ask your doctor for a referral to a sex therapist.

You may also try asking clergy for a referral – a lot of clergy talk to a lot of people with such problems. But definitely see a doctor to have her hormones and other physical factors checked out.

It can be tempting to ditch her, especially when the kids are grown, but there's no guarantee you'll find a better partner. You said you otherwise think things are good, so here's hoping you two work through this major issue, further growing and playing together, enjoying one of God's greatest gifts to us.