Dear Margo on Two Marriages

When we read advice columns or listen to radio call-in shows, or read the paper, rarely are we going to see or hear "I love marriage! I love my spouse! Everything is fantastic!" Just something to keep in mind as we look at yet another Dear Margo column dealing with bad marriages.

SEX STARVED wrote:

My wife and I have been married for 25 years. She is 60 and I am 63. For the first 20 years we had what I would call a very normal marriage. Plenty of sex and intimacy. About five years ago she announced she no longer had any desire to have sex. The closest we have come to intimacy since then is kissing when either of us leaves the house, and we hold hands when we go to sleep.

Poor fella.

I tried to talk to her about this, but she is adamant about her lack of interest. I’m actually surprised I have managed to last this long without straying, but as far as I’m concerned, that is not an option, even in these circumstances.

Well, good for him.

Dear Margo rightly told him that she could see a medical specialist to change the situation. Unfortunately, she has to be willing to go. Unless he also wants to be unfaithful (and make no mistake – she is being unfaithful), he's at her mercy.

Some generally good guys read stuff like that and it scares them away from marriage. They'd rather either fornicate (not the Christian thing to do) or be celibate by their choice, not by someone else's. They also maintain more of their autonomy by being unmarried, and don't have to share quarters and finances and decisions. The more of their male relatives, friends, and coworkers they see miserable in their marriages, the less likely they are going to be inclined to marry.

The second letter isn't encouraging, either.

BAFFLED wrote:

I have been married to a truck driver for three years. I know he loves me, but our relationship has become a routine.

Well, yes, that can happen in a marriage. Stability isn't a bad thing, is it? Taking each other for granted is.

I find we no longer talk and I don't feel we are even friends anymore.

Maybe you need a girlfriend?

I have started talking to a gentleman who is 11 years my senior and has become a friend. He now says he loves me and wants to plan a future together.

That's not a gentleman. He's a guy.

I do still find my husband attractive, but this other man says all the right things and seems to be financially secure, which my husband is not.

Is this a new thing that happened after you married? I wonder if she pressured him to propose, or if he made that mistake purely through his own foolishness?

It would be nice to know that all of my bills are paid, and I’d like my partner to be my friend, as well as a mate. What should I do?

Get a job. You didn't mention kids, so if you want your bills paid, get a job and pay for them. He's out working, and she's bored and complaining. Really, how bad are things? She's still attracted to her husband, he's working, and she knows he loves her.

Dear Margo’s advice is decent. I seem to be finding less outrageous advice in these columns, as if men suddenly matter, too. That's a good thing.

Upgrading the Blog

I'm trying to modernize this blog. Yes, it looks a lot different. It will take me a while to restore the blogroll. Thanks for your patience.

Another Darwin Award Candidate

Another vandal has been killed in traffic. This time, it was 17-year-old Blake Locko of Riverside, California. Riverside is east of Los Angeles. Apparently, Blake was vandalizing the center divider of the 60 Freeway. Larry Gordon reports on the LATimes.com blog.

Blake Locko of Riverside was standing in the westbound carpool lane just east of Hall Avenue about 2:30 a.m. when he was first hit by a car and thrown over a 5-foot-high concrete divider onto eastbound lanes, where he was then hit by several other vehicles, the CHP said. Locko died at the scene, and one of the drivers was treated at Riverside Community Hospital for neck injuries.

What, was he up early for work? Had he been up late studying? Where were his parents? Those drivers can sue his parents for psychological damages as well as medical bills and damage to their vehicles – as if losing their son wasn't enough pain.

If your minor child is out at 2:30 a.m. without supervision, chances are they are not doing something legal, productive, or moral.

Stay With Your Husband and Act Like a Wife

Time to check in on Dear Margo again.

DAZED wrote:

I am a married mother of three. My husband loves me and we have a nice life. Unfortunately, I no longer love him.

Of course not. After all, he loves you. That's boring!

I am in love with a man who is five years younger. (He is also married with a child.) We both married for the wrong reasons.

Too late now! You made babies.

Whatever free time we have we spend together

Free time? You have "free time" with a husband, three kids, and a job? The time you should be spending rejuvenating so that you can be a good wife and mother are spent carrying of this affair.

and he has helped me both financially and professionally.

Whore. (It's okay to use that word... it is Biblical.)

He's in the same situation: He does not love his wife, but doesn't want to leave because of his child.

Not to mention the alimony and child support! Oh, and right now, he gets to have sex with both of you.

I don't want to leave, either, because of how devastating it would be for the children. I am torn and don't know what to do.

How about:
1. Stop fornicating with this guy.
2. Stop seeing the guy at all.
3. Love your husband.
4. Mother your kids.
5. Quit your job, which could be key to steps 1-4.

I know he loves me; this is not just a simple affair.

You both loved your spouses, too, supposedly. You only "love" each other because you aren't obligated to each other.

We have so much in common and the same outlook on life.

Yeah, you are both adulterous fornicators.

I can talk to him about anything and be myself when I’m around him … not possible with my husband.

When "being yourself" means cheating, then I can see how that could be a problem for your husband. And talking is what your girlfriends are for.

I sometimes want to end it with him because I feel I should work on my marriage, but when I do try, it is clear things are broken beyond repair.

Really? I haven't read one word about her husband being an abuser, absent, an addict, or an adulterer. In fact, she wrote that her husband loves her. So if "things are broken" it is largely her doing, and she can change that. They aren't broken beyond repair – she just tells herself that so she won't feel as guilty.

I wonder how many of the kids are even her husband's? How many does he know aren't his, and how many does he think are his but aren't? Regardless, sounds like he is a better father to them than she is a mother.

Dear Margo responded:

The real key is whether or not your marriage would respond to "work." I do know that with a lover in the picture it is next to impossible to concentrate on one’s marriage. On the other hand, if there is absolutely no repair possible and you and this man have this wonderful connection, you could either keep the affair going (difficult, emotionally) or realize that divorce need not mean abandoning parental duties and roles.

Cut the crap. Divorce hurts kids and makes it harder for both parents to fulfill their parental obligations.

You would not be the first couple to undo a damaged marriage.

And if I decided to go on a killing spree, I wouldn't the first person either. What kind of advice is that?!?

Another consideration is, what are these various children seeing and feeling at home? If there is frost or fighting, that is not so great for kids, either.

She can change that if she wants.

Try to determine if the sex and secrecy are what’s fueling this romance.

Really, how could she trust ever her adultery buddy? Oh wait, I can answer that. Because she has the one and only magic vagina, so he would never betray her the way he's betraying his current wife. That's called DELUSION.

Is there guilt?

What difference does that make? If there isn't it just means she's a sociopath and perhaps should warn her husband that she is.

My responses would be the same if the adulterous guy had been the one writing in. That guy is a creep.

I'm Glad My Marriage Isn't Like This

"Craig" commented on a previous post of mine about the difference between marital lovemaking and unmarried fornication, and I wanted to call attention to it. I am taking Craig, who says he is a Christian, at his word, but then I have no reason to believe he is lying or exaggerating. (By the way, I require approval of comments not to prevent disagreement, but to prevent libel. If you don't want your comment published, say so in the comment and I will not publish it.)

He point outs as I have that sex, which in the past was a main incentive for men to marry, is now readily and freely available to men without even being in a relationship, and that changes in our laws and culture in recent decades have made licensed marriage more risky for men.

I am now involuntarily divorced.

Many women and men have found themselves in this situation, unfortunately. Men more often than women. While I'm one of the first to say that if you choose wisely and treat kindly, you won't be in this situation, I know that it can be very easy to choose wrong, and in some cases, it is very hard to do discover that before the wedding.

I do not agree with the default we currently have that one spouse can unilaterally end a marriage, especially without demonstrating that the other spouse has broken the marital vows. If two people agree to this condition ahead of time, then fine – and I guess that is what they do when they get married now. But it shouldn’t be that way.

Sex with my wife was not good, it was basically non-existent especially at the end.

This is the 64-Trillion Dollar Question (adjusted for hyperinflation) that I have been mulling over recently. I may do one long separate blog entry about it. The right thing to do is to save sex for marriage. I believe that. But what if, upon marrying, he finds out that the sex is nonexistent or lousy? For just about all healthy husbands, sex is extremely important. It isn't just about needing (and we do need) to ejaculate. It is a way we bond with our wives, communicate with them, and express our love for them. What is a guy supposed to if he marries her and finds out that, for whatever reason (past trauma or low libido on her part, latent hatred for men), it is lousy or way too rare? Is he supposed to divorce her? Take on a mistress? Hire a hooker? Or be happy the rest of his life fulfilling his end of the bargain (financially providing, etc.) while he is denied? While the law will compel him to financially provide for her, it will not - nor can not - compel her to provide consort. She is unlikely to face significant peer pressure to change.

Even when the couple does not save sex for marriage, some (mostly men) have found that sex changes for the worst after the wedding as the frequency, enthusiasm, and physical repertoire diminish.

I have 3 children I am legally forbidden to see, a huge monthly payment I can't meet, and I face jail because the false charges my ex levied and her constant harassment got me fired. I can't ever return home.

Unfortunately, some our laws and those to practice and administer it have created a situation where some women find it to their financial advantage to divorce and fight for sole custody, and they are encouraged to make false allegations to aid in their desired outcome.

Meanwhile the woman I started dating after the divorce I couldn't marry (but wanted too and still do) because of course they would figure in her salary to the child support and alimony and she'd be the one to have to pay my "purge" to get me out of prison if I lose my job, get injured, etc.

If a man can't see his minor children, I don't see the point of delaying remarriage for their sake. However, as Craig points out, remarriage is discouraged because his would-be wife would have to pay some of her earnings to "support" children she has never event met and had no part in bringing into this world; children her would-be husband isn't even allowed to see. Likewise, a custodial mother is discouraged from remarrying (but not shacking up!) unless she can find a man who is much better off financially, because she risks losing the "child support" payments if she does.

The "solutions" proposed by the church are always "marry a believer" and be careful.

Few churches hold spouses to their vows, unfortunately. They can't do anything with any legal weight, but they can certainly apply social pressure. As for marrying a believer - of course we should try to make sure our intended is truly a believer. But how many times have we heard that "only God knows a person's heart"?

Craig concludes:

Fact is marriage as it is now practiced IS NOT BIBLICAL MARRIAGE.

I tend to agree. Studies tend to show that state-licensed marriage benefits children, so it can still be useful, though I wonder if those stats have been compared against couples who underwent a marriage ceremony in a church and live as married but did not obtain a state license? I would like to see the state encourage (and enforce) customized pre-nups to make state-licensed marriage more like Biblical marriage for those who want it.

As it is now, a couple can agree to each other - and before their church and witnesses - to enter into a Biblical marriage when they get legally married, but it is entirely voluntary. The moment one or both decides to get a divorce or otherwise violate the vows, there's nothing (except perhaps church pressure – nonexistent in most churches) holding either one to Biblical standards.

I know there are women who can, like Craig, provide a tale of a marital nightmare – they married a brute, a closet case, an addict, or some other person who turned out to be a horrible husband. But the fact is, if he beats you (even if you started the punching), one call will get him hauled off to jail, and there are shelters for women and almost none for men. If he rapes you, he can be prosecuted. If you assault him, you can claim a hormonal defense more easily than he can. You can obligate him to pay child support for another man's offspring via paternity fraud. You are more likely to be able to get custody of the children. You are more likely to get child support. You are more likely to get alimony. You are more likely to get sympathy and support at church. It doesn't work the other way.

If you have an unmarried brother or son, consider what he is facing today.

Choose wisely and with extreme caution.

It is stories like Craig's that make me so thankful to wake up next to the woman that I do.

Is Finding Love Harder For Smarties?

Melissa Noble wrote for YourTango.com (I found it via Yahoo):

Dr. Alex Benzer is a Harvard and Cambridge educated certified hypnotherapist who thinks "smart people" (his definition: the top 5% of the population) have a harder time dating than the rest of us dim guys.

She then goes on to explain why she disagrees.

I have heard smart women say they have a tougher time finding someone. I don't know if it really is true or not, as I haven't looked up the stats and I'm not a woman. (And how does she know she has a tougher time – has she gone undercover as a "dumb" and found it easier?) But if a woman who really is smart is having a tough time, perhaps the following reasons are at play:

1. Women tend to seek to "marry up". They want someone smarter than they are, more accomplished than they are, and who earns more than they do. Well, if she is scary smart herself (and, as a result, accomplished and earning big bucks), that makes it harder for her to marry up. The pool is smaller. Men usually don't have this problem, especially if they are just (or initially) asking a woman out because of her looks. The guys might not care if she's dumb as a post.

2. In addition to wanting to marry up, a smart woman is going to be more picky. She's smart enough to know that she has a limited amount of time and she doesn't want to waste it on something that isn't going to lead to anything but just temporary physical pleasure at best, or heartache and stress. So, it isn't that there aren't men available, it is that they don't meet her standards.

3. Smart women may get so busy with education and career that they don't take the time to engage in the necessary socialization.

4. Some say that men are intimidated by smart women. But this statement is needlessly specific. Men are intimated by women, and always have been. There are guys who don't want to listen to a woman talk much – mostly guys who just want sex or perhaps a girlfriend - or guys who crave quiet - and smart girls are often prone to talking so as to show you that they are smart. That is great if you want to have intelligent conversation or a healthy debate. No so much if you're looking to get it on. Smart guys do this, too... but their hormones usually override their ego fairly quickly, and they shut up.

Some cynical folks would say this is chicken-and-egg deal. I've heard some say that the reason these women are smart is that they had to be, because they realized early on in their lives that they weren't going to get by on their looks – and that smart and beautiful girls learned early on it was easier to get by on their looks and so stopped growing as much intellectually.

I know there are women who are both smart and beautiful. And have been able to find love. My wife is such a woman. I don't think she married up in the brains department, though.

So - do you know smart people, male are female (including yourself) who seem to have a tougher time than the average person in finding love?

When Divorce Lawyers Get Greedy

Another woman who has "grown accustomed" to the leisurely high life on someone else's earnings and is now getting a divorce and making news. Associated Press Writer Dave Collins has the story.

A 36-year-old Swedish countess divorcing a former CEO says she cannot live on $43 million.

She should have married Paul McCartney.

Marie Douglas-David, a former investment banker, says she has no income and needs her 67-year-old husband, George David, to pay her more than $53,000 a week — more than most U.S. households make in a year — to cover her expenses.

And why doesn't she have any income?

David and Douglas-David married in 2002, but the marriage was in trouble by 2004, court papers show.

So let's see... if you count 2002 until now, $43 million is over six million dollars per year. And those weren't even all good years. That's not generous enough? What exactly did she do during this marriage? Did she cook? Clean? Do any actual domestic management? Raise his kids? Help him with work? Do his shopping for him? Care for him while he was sick? Look out for his health? Pick out his wardrobe? Look good on his arm? Provide consortium?

He could have been better off using that money to hire an image consultant, publicist, personal shopper, personal assistants, a nutritionist, a personal trainer, doctors and counselors, accountants, maids, cooks, an event planner and host, interior designer, professional consultants, and spend all of what would be left over on escorts and a harem.

Amid a series of reconciliations, the couple signed a postnuptial agreement in October 2005 that would give her $43 million when they divorce.

Douglas-David wants the agreement invalidated. She accused her husband of coercing her to sign it by preying upon her fears of being divorced and childless.

Either women are adults who can make their own decisions, or they aren't. The more judges – or Congressmen – toss out contracts, the harder it will be to get anything done. She agreed to the contract.

And notice... they don't have children together, unless they made some after she signed the post-nup. None are mentioned in the article, so my guess is that they didn't have any together and she probably didn't do much around the house, either.

She's asking to be awarded about $100 million in cash and stock, plus $130,000 a month in alimony.

Get a job!!!

David is asking a judge to uphold the agreement and order Douglas-David to vacate their Park Avenue apartment but keep their properties in Sweden.

Gee, what a heartless bastard.

Douglas-David has filed court papers showing she has more than $53,800 in weekly expenses, including for maintaining a Park Avenue apartment and three residences in Sweden. Her weekly expenses also include $700 for limousine service, $4,500 for clothes, $1,000 for hair and skin treatments, $1,500 for restaurants and entertainment, and $8,000 for travel.

1. Sell some of your places.
2. Learn to drive.
3. Wear some things more than once (it’s okay – clothes can be cleaned).
4. Learn to eat at home.
5. Learn how to shop online.
6. Buy some books and a home entertainment center.

You can keep up the hair and skin treatments. They might help you snag another sucker.

At that rate, Douglas-David would burn through $43 million in less than 16 years.

So??? I don’t know what the laws are there, but in California, the alimony rule is essentially one day of pay for every two days of marriage (provided the marriage lasted less than 10 years). So she should only get enough to last for three and a half years anyway - if the laws are the same.

Anne Dranginis, an attorney for David and retired Connecticut Appellate Court judge, predicted that Douglas-David will get much less money in the divorce if she doesn't accept the terms of the postnuptial.

I hope so. She should be punished for challenging a generous contract to which she agreed.

In court papers, Douglas-David said she quit her job as an investment banker for Lazard Asset Management to travel and entertain with David, who still earns $1 million a year from United Technologies.

So she's capable of making her own money. Let her.

When a woman and a man mutually agree to marry and that she'll stop or cut back on working outside the home so that she can take care of their children, him, their home, and some of their personal affairs, and then that husband breaks his vows and decides to leave while she has upheld her vows – I have no problem with a judge ordering him to pay 1) significant alimony; and 2) child support, hopefully to the point where she'll be able to raise the kids until they are grown, keep the house, and move on with her life. In fact, I think women agreeing to take up those roles and thus be out of the workforce should insist on pre-nups that will provide for her needs.

But I do not support gold-digging.

A Neglected Wife?

DESPERATE FOR SOMEONE TO TALK TO wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am so lonely. My husband refuses to communicate with me or do anything with me.

Refuses, huh? He likes being married to a woman he doesn't want to be with or talk with? Why would he put himself in that situation?

The only outlet I have is work and school.

What about girlfriends? Notice she didn't mention church.

I would like to end this misery, but I don't know where to begin. We have been married for 17 years.

She gives too little info. Are they childless, or are there children involved? If there are children involved, she needs to wait until they are grown before splitting up the home or depriving them of their mother or father. Does she engage in lovemaking with her hushband? He she done anything to try to draw him to her? None of this information was provided in what was published.

What could be going on here? What could the possibilities be?

1. He has always been like this, and she either married him without having gotten to know him, or made the mistake of thinking he was going to change. He may have put up a false front.

2. He has an illness or deficiency that has caused him to change. Perhaps a thorough medical and psychological evaluation is in order?

3. Someone else or some event has traumatized him. Again, perhaps an evaluation is in order.

4. Perhaps she has done something or multiple things that have prompted him to treat her this way as a form of self-preservation. Why would a healthy man not want to spend time with and communicate with his wife? Why wouldn't he want to see her beauty and bask in her uplifting, affirmative, edifying conversation? Well, maybe the answer is in my question. Does she neglect his needs? Has she disrespected him? Does her commitment to work and school keep her from being a good wife? Some women, once they are married, let themselves fall to pieces. Their husbands can do and say no good – everything their husband is interested in is stupid, wrong, or worthless according to her, and sometimes she'll tell others that, right in front of her husband. Does she ramble on endlessly about Brad and Angelina and what Oprah said today, and expect him to chime in on that? Does she constantly whine about the same things without letting her husband offer solutions, and without working towards a solution herself?

Men don't usually buy a ring, get down on their bended knee, and propose marriage to a woman they don't like to be around, not unless they feel it is the right thing to do (they knocked her up) or are desperate for citizenship or to appear to have heterosexual feelings when they don't. Odds are, he earns more than she does and is therefore financially subsidizing her lifestyle. Why would he do that, if he didn't want to be around her? If #4 is the main thing going on, one might wonder why a guy would stay. It could be for the children. It could be a matter of convenience. In some places (like the state I live in), once you hit ten years of marriage, the spouse who has earned more can be obligated to pay alimony for life, in addition to splitting all of the marital assets evenly. He could have figured he'd rather keep full access to his stuff and his money, even if that means living with a woman with whom he doesn't connect, or he fears or resents.

Dear Abby responded:

If you think your marriage is worth saving, offer your husband the chance to repair it through marriage counseling -- but be prepared for it to take some time, because old habits are hard to break.

Counseling is a mixed bag. There are some great counselors out there, but also some really lousy ones – like ones who think normal husband behavior and expectations are inherently wrong. We really need more information. The answers could be very simple – and fun for her to implement.
Husbands should treat their wives with love and kindess. But women should not marry a grizzly bear and expect him to turn into a kitten, or expect a guy to be warm and open and receptive and engaging if he continually gets pain in return.

New Implants a Precursor to a Decamp

I love listening to Dr. Laura. She has posted and read my stuff before. There are only a few areas where I have any disagreement with her, and I think listening to her show and reading her books can make your life better. They have made me a better person.

She posts notable letters (some of which she read on-air) to her website, and I read through them every week.

Recently, a caller to her radio show wasn't comfortable supporting his wife's plans for breast enhancement. "S" wrote in to say:

I am a living testament to your response, which was "She's not getting them for you." After a 20 year marriage, the last gift I bought for my wife was a set of new breasts. She filed for divorce about 9 months later, leaving me to raise that now 3rd Class Petty Officer in the Coast Guard all by my lonesome.

So when friends and acquaintances tell me their wives want new breasts... I always grin, wink and warn them... "Before you call the plastic surgeon... call a lawyer...!"

Some women get their boyfriends to pay for their breast enhancement (or some other plastic surgery). Some guys offer. Either way, those guys are fools.

Husbands are also fools for supporting this. Think about it – these guys were already attracted to these women. Why should they pay for her to change her body? She isn't doing it for them. She's doing it because she thinks it will get her a better financial offer, or because she wants more attention from other men.

Of course there are some exceptions to this. A wife who has experienced disease, an accident, or an assault - or even breast feeding or significant weight loss - that has disfigured or significantly changed her breasts may feel like "restoring" them will bring her more confidence or ease the memory of a bad experience.

But in general, husbands can handle the fact that their wife is getting older. Any guy who can't handle that should not get married in the first place. Her breasts may have been what caught his eye in the first place, but if he hasn’t moved beyond that and found passion for her as a whole person, then there's a problem. In other words, I'm attracted to my wife's breasts, but that attraction is now based more on the fact that they are a part of her rather than how they take up space. And yes, I do like how they take up space. But I love the fact that she's committed to breastfeeding, regardless of the effect it will have on how her breasts look.

If a wife really, really insists on getting breast enhancement surgery, and using community property to pay for it, her husband should insist on a legally enforceable post-nuptial agreement (yes, there are such things) that gives him some restitution should she subsequently bolt.

Check Out the Mysterious Mrs. B. Roth

I got tagged/awarded by The Mysterious Mrs. B. Roth. I generally do not follow along with these chain things, with rules like these:

1) Add the logo of the award to your blog.
2) Add a link to the person who awarded it to you.
3) Nominate at least 7 other blogs (or whatever random number you want :)
4) Add links to those blogs on your blog.
5) Leave a message for your nominees on their blogs.

But I did want to call your attention to her site and "award" her back.

She wrote about this blog:

A strange little cubbyhole, try Everything Must Go! Ken likes to deconstruct advice columns and provides, free of charge, very useful bits of dating and marriage tips. Fearlessly weighing in on adult topics without becoming crass or puerile, I find his messages useful and entertaining.

High praise, indeed. Thanks!

I have been interested in what females really think since at least adolescence. The male mind and the female mind do work differently. I used to secretly thumb through my sister's Seventeen magazines to try to get some idea. But whether it is Seventeen or Cosmo, you're still only dealing with a handful of women, who are essentially speaking on the heavily-edited commercial public record to please advertisers.

I do have my wife's brain to pick now. But more perspective can be good. Through Mrs. B. Roth's blog, I get to see the thoughts and experiences of a wife and mother with children a little older than mine. She's a good writer who gives an authentic glimpse into motherhood, marriage, and domestic management, and living out a religion that is somewhat different than mine. I'd rather read her stuff than a celebutant’s blog any day. Indeed, someone who has never been to America could learn much more about what it is like to live in America by reading her blog than they could by reading the New York Times.

I really need to add her to my blog roll on the right. I need to update the blog roll anyway. Heck, I need to update the entire blog.

Some other good sites are already there in the blog roll. One I check with regularity is Biblical Manhood, which is written by an unmarried, male follower of Christ. As he says:

This is a blog about "biblical manhood." I am not here to give Bible-believing men a list of do's and don'ts. Plenty of others already make a living doing that. My intention is provide a scriptural response to anti-male sexism. My intention is to proclaim the truth to the status quo and defend those who have been denied a voice for far too long. In this, I believe I am following the example of my Lord and Savior.

He also links to some other great places to get real male perspectives. You may not be aware of it, but most mainstream media, especially television, is primarily geared towards the sensitivities of women, which are different than those of men. This is because so much of the media is heavily dependent on advertisers, and women are by far the ones doing most of the consumer spending. (Hey, my wife is a darn good shopper so I'm happy to leave most of that to her!) Workplace cultures are also mostly geared towards the sensitivities of women now. The same goes for most of academia and most churches and Christian media, which is what makes Biblical Manhood such a fascinating read. With so many boys being raised without a father in the home, with fewer places for them to go for unfettered socialization with men, with the general bent toward female sensitivities, and with willfull anti-masculinity found in mainstream culture, it is nice to have someplace to go for a different perspective, perhaps a place that a young man may find out that he can be a follower of Christ without being a wimp or always peeing sitting down.

Should She Tell Her Bride Sister the Groom Raped Her?

Can you believe that is even a question?

PREGNANT SISTER wrote into Dear Abby:

I was sexually abused by my sister's boyfriend, "Teddy," three months ago. He is five years older than I am, and now I am pregnant.

Notice the phraseology. She doesn't say that they fooled around. She recognizes what he did as sexual abuse. Although she doesn't give her age, it sounds like she is a minor.

This guy is a creep who should be locked up.

I don't want to tell Teddy or my family because I am afraid of the consequences -- especially because he and my sister are getting married in three months.

Now you know she's immature. She's not realizing that she's about to let her sister marry (and, presumably make babies with), a child molester - or at the very least someone who "cheats" on his fiancée with her sister - or rapist.

I don't want to ruin their marriage, but I can't keep this a secret much longer.

Uh, he is what would ruin their marriage. He is to blame.

I don't know what to do because Teddy is a respectable person and I know they won't believe me if I tell the truth.

No, they think he is a respectable person because nobody has exposed him - and he needs to be exposed. DNA will prove the truth. He'll probably claim that you jumped his bones, but even if it had happened that way, it is no excuse.

Turns out my response is very much like the one Dear Abby gave. I usually read the letter and write my response before I read the actual response, just to compare.

What a creep. If he finds out about the pregnancy, he'll probably try to drive her to an abortion clinic without her family even knowing. And if her sister knows what a creep he is and chooses to look the other way, then she is horrible, too, and has probably passed over some genuinely respectable and nice men. Hopefully, this guy will get prosecuted and the entire family will realize they've dodged a second bullet. Adopt that kid out to a loving mother and father who can take care of a baby, and get this guy away from your family and other families. PLEASE!

Shaving

If you were to stick me on a deserted island without a razor, I would quickly turn into a Sasquatch look-alike. I mean, I have hair growing everywhere, and unless I shave it off or pluck it out, it will take over my skin like weeds.

Other than being a good time to think, I derive no enjoyment from the process of shaving my face. If I lived alone, I probably wouldn't shave on days I didn't have to work with others. Part of that may stem for working in a job for many years that required me to shave.

But I'm married. So I try to get a really close shave, because that makes it more comfortable for my wife when we smooch and when I... uh... when I do one of my all-time favorite things to do.

And speaking of that, I enjoy it when she makes it easier for me to do my thing there by shaving herself.

Now, not all guys dig that. Some guys prefer their women as natural as can be. Or they want something somewhere between natural and bare, or something that is neatly and clearly defined. If they want the Preamble to the Constitution carved out down there, they are definitely asking too much.

It seems like this kind of grooming has become more talked about in our culture (in part, because of swimsuits and lingerie styles) and easier for husband and wife to discuss. Guys, give your ladies positive reinforcement. They probably won't believe you when you remark about how beautiful they are down there, but tell them anyway. If you want them to do something different, ask your wife if it would be too much trouble. But be willing to listen to their suggestions about your grooming, too. Ladies, if you’ve never discussed this with your husband and don't know if he'd like you to try something different, try asking him about it. As I said, some guys don't like the bare look at all, so you never know until he reacts.

And like I said, it is okay to ask him to shave... both his face (provided you aren't in a religion that forbids it) and down there – or to at least groom it more closely. Most reasonable husbands would color it green if it would mean you'd spend more time there. Now there's an idea for St. Patrick's Day.

If you really want to get daring and you both have steady hands, try taking a shower together and shaving each other. Ladies - any guy who lets you get close to him down there with a blade really does trust you a lot.

First Date Advice

I love reading/hearing dating and relationship advice in the media. It is funny to compare the conflicting messages, and to see if what the portrayal of men is accurate or not, or if guys are getting bad advice. It can be helpful to determine just where the advice-giver is coming from – a Bible-based approach, a feminist approach, a pick-up artist approach – what?

This article, about first dates, I found on Yahoo from something or someone called "Foxy". It appears to be what I call The Sitcom Approach, like with the sitcom "Friends". This approach refuses to consider that shacking up or fornication in general is wrong, but still insists on some rules beyond mere law. It assumes that both people on the date are looking for a relationship AND sex, which will happen sooner rather than later.

I believe that sex is for marriage. But I also believe that if a guy is not going to adhere to that and mainly wants a lot of sex (fornication), he should not pretend to want a "relationship" if he doesn't really want one. He should avoid marriage-and-family-minded women and stick to the hussies. My analysis below reflects this. Keep in mind that women can avoid men who just want sex by... not having sex with them, especially on a first date.

Whether you're fifteen or fifty, there's nothing quite like a first date.

I hated dating women I didn't know at all. Especially first dates. On the other hand, if you get to know a woman ahead of time and you end up on the friend ladder, you can’t ever leave it. There's a careful, happy medium. I thank God I don't have to deal with this crap anymore.

If you're hoping date #1 might lead to date #2, here are a few things Foxy thinks you should avoid...

Fakin' It... Why invite a guy to a ball game if you hate it? Or ask a girl to a Bergman festival, when you love bad brutes and big guns? It's great to try new things, but it's most important to be yourself.

If you are dating to find a spouse, for sure. Be yourself, and don't set up the date to include activities you don't enjoy. Either you are right for each other or you aren't, and dating is to try to find that out.

If you just want sex, try to meet her for drinks after dinner. Don't "be yourself", unless you are normally aloof, confident to the point of being cocky, and aggressive. Reveal as little as possible about yourself, actually, because she might use anything you say about yourself as an excuse to not have sex with you. Try to get her to do the talking, and let her fill in the gaps in her knowledge about you with her wishful thinking.

Clean out your car, make it presentable, and get gas -- otherwise your date may end up running on empty.

Good advice either way. It's also a matter of safety.

Screamin', smashin' rock concerts have their own charm, but not for a first date…The same goes for loud bars or restaurants -- who wants to shout all night long while you're trying to get to know each other?

And, if you are just looking for sex, you want to be alone with her as soon as possible, not in a crowd. You don't want to take her to something where you have to pay for her to do something that is going to tire her out before you reach your goal.

There is much to be said for the power of pairs. In the beginning, it's best to keep it to the two of you.

Yes. And if you are just looking for sex, you don't want to meet her friends or relatives, and you certainly don't want them being around as her excuse not to be alone with you.

Five-Star Fancy or Carelessly Casual... Avoid either. Fancy first dates can be a huge mistake… If you end up going low-key, you should still steer clear of cheap chain restaurants and other overly casual joints.

If you are just looking for sex, try to avoid dinner entirely, meeting for drinks afterwards. If you must have dinner together, pick some place inexpensive that serves alcohol, eat before you go there, and then say you're not that hungry and order a cheap salad. What hot woman is going to order a big, expensive meal if you are just ordering cheap salad? Most women who do casual sex in three dates or less will do it with you whether you spend a lot of money or not – so why spend more? If spending more will get her to sleep with you when she otherwise wouldn't, is that what you want to date? You can save your money and still get some by moving on to another date.

If you both like each other, there will be plenty of time for canoodling, caressing, and luxurious mornings lounging in bed. Don't rush it.

This is so written by a woman. I love being next to my wife and embracing her. If you are looking for a spouse, sex on the first date is definitely a bad idea. Yeah, you probably know a married couple who did it. I do. Doesn't mean it is a good idea. But if you are just looking for sex, what do you care if it is rushed?

A first date isn't the time to give your locks a major snip, change your hair color, or do anything else drastic (like try out a pair of ultra high heels you can't walk in). You want to feel your most relaxed and comfortable, so save the experimentation for another time.

Don't cut your hair, ladies.

People can smell a desperate singleton a mile away, so avoid punctuating dinner with not-so-subtle comments like, "My mother would love you!"

Hmmm – depends on whether or not this is your first personal conversation. Some people do talk a bit before they ever go out on a date, and depending on that, it may be okay to say something like that. But it is best not to.

Or ending the evening with, "So, do you want to go out again? Maybe on Wednesday? At six?"

Okay, my wife told me she was confused and disappointed when I didn't do that at the end of our first date. I specifically avoided doing that because 1) we didn't kiss when we had the chance (I later found out she had made a rule to wait until the third date to kiss) and 2) I had been told by my previous girlfriend (note... not the last woman I had previously dated... just the last one that became my actual exclusive girlfriend) that I was clingy and smothering. So from that day forward I never never clingy again with anyone. She later fell madly in love with me (as I did with her), but I digress. The point is, there is nothing wrong with waiting until you've had time to reflect on the date before asking or another one, but there's also nothing wrong with arranging for the next one, either. You can always cancel if you realize things aren't going to go the way you want.

Texting, whether you love it or hate it, don't do it! Even if your date is in the restroom.

Yeah, your date is probably texting in the restroom. Okay guys, if you are just looking for sex, then here's the deal about texting and phone calls. You can do it if you want. But if she does it, especially if you are paying for the evening, get up and leave her there. Why? She's communicating with the booty call she's going to see after you pay for her evening and are left hanging. Think about it. You're not dating a mother with minor kids (right?), so it can't be her kids. Her friends know she is on a date and shouldn't expect her to take calls or text. If it is work, she's too involved in work to be a good prospect for you. If it is a family emergency, then she’s going to be too much work and you're not getting any anyway.

If you're concerned about how the date will go, don't have your "friend" call you with an "emergency" halfway through dinner, stick with something quick like coffee, snacks, or ice cream.

If you’re looking for sex, do not meet a woman for coffee or lunch. Waste of time.

Here are a couple of my suggestions for a first date, assuming that you are a marriage-and-family-minded person:

1. Unless you know this person somewhat already (like you work with this person... but I don't recommend dating coworkers), meet somewhere neutral. I know there are ladies who expect the guy to show up at their place in a nice, clean car and open the door for her, saving her the trouble of driving somewhere. But women should be more careful about letting a guy know exactly where she lives until she knows him better. Driving your own vehicle there means you can easily leave the moment you want to.

2. Let the person you're dating know exactly why you are dating. If you aren't ready to be a spouse yet, then you are dating for entertainment and to get to know more about the kind of person with whom you best get along. If you are ready to be a spouse, then say that you are dating so that you can eventually find a spouse. If your date can handle the truth, you are better off knowing that right away. Or, if your date subsequently acts in a way that goes counter to your stated goals, you have moral cover, as in "I told you from date one what I wanted."

My wife told me early on date one that she was a virgin and she was going to be one until her wedding night. She made no secret of that and I'm kind of anonymous here, so I can write that. If that was a problem for me, I simply would have gotten up and left, saving us both a lot of time, money, and energy. Obviously, it wasn't a problem for me. Marrying a virgin was not a requirement for me, especially since I wasn't one myself – which we also discussed. That honesty prevented us from doing things we would have regretted. I knew that she was going to be upset with me if I pushed things, whereas some women get upset if you don't push things, even if they act reluctant. (I'm not talking about saying "no", "don't", or "stop". I'm talking about women who do want to fornicate but don't want to appear slutty.) Likewise, she knew I didn't always exercise restraint in the past, so she needed to be careful about boundaries. There were times when she told me she needed me to be stronger than her - and that let me know that I had to be on guard, and not to take her behavior as an invitation to ignore what she'd said on that first date.

It wasn't easy, but we made it to the wedding. And now we can make love without guilt and never have to deal with going on another first date.

Five Traits

Cosmo dating blogger Mina Azodi recently had this entry, Dating 101: Five Traits a Guy Should Have Before You Get Serious. (I found it via Yahoo, in case you were wondering.) Consider the source.

Dating Trait #1: He Knows What He Wants - Any guy you're serious about should be able to articulate his long-term goals and passions (sorry, fantasy football and Xbox don't count).

Yes. He must have goals and plans – like how he will continue to make a living, where and how he wants to live, whether or not he wants to be a father and to how many children, etc. You must know what they are, and they must be compatible with yours.

Don't assume he'll work things out, because when he does, you may realize his ambitions don't mesh with yours.

Read that repeatedly.

Dating Trait #2: He Has a Sunny Outlook

Who wants to be married to a depressed or pessimistic person? I know plenty of people do marry that way, but is it really a good idea for them to do so?

Dating Trait #3: He's Open to Changing for You - It's true you may not be able to change a man, but a guy should want to change for you.

Woah, woah, woah. Yes, people are supposed to grow. Yes, we're all imperfect and there is always room for improvement. But a guy who changes "for you" is likely to go back to doing whatever it is he supposedly changed (but was maybe just hiding). Instead, look for guys who can admit their faults and wrongs and want to work on them to be a better person, not to please some other flawed person.

If a facet of his behavior irks you (for example, maybe he's not attentive enough in certain circumstances), he should be game to hear you out, listen to how you'd like him to do things differently, and then act on those suggestions.

Maybe he isn't right for you. And if you're expecting him to do this, then you'd better be prepared to do the same... which will likely involve bedroom matters.

More important, a man needs to have the capacity to transform and grow with you -- e.g., he takes an interest in going to art galleries with you, even if he's more of a couch-and-ESPN kind of guy.

And what about vice-versa? You know, spouses can have their own interests. What's wrong with him watching ESPN while she is at the art gallery?

Dating Trait #4: He's Still a Little Mysterious - The beginning of a relationship is always exciting because you're just getting to know each other. But even after the newness wears off, it's essential that a man keeps you guessing. "If you can never quite pin down what makes him tick, that's actually a healthy thing," says Kirschner. Although at first you might feel more bonded to a guy who shares tons of personal info with you, over time, you risk losing the intrigue that pulled you to him initially.

Okay, he shouldn't tell you things you shouldn't or don't need to know, like personal things about other people, or talk endlessly about every thought he ever has or every little thing that happened to him that day. But keeping secrets from your spouse is a really bad idea. You're supposed to have intimacy. It's okay for a guy to be secretive about, say, where he finds your gifts, or his plans to pleasantly surprise you, or how much he admires another woman's body. Fine. But otherwise, trouble brews. If you want mystery... stick to casual dating.

Dating Trait #5: He's Responsible with Money - Besides giving you a heads-up about money-related conflicts you might encounter in the future (one of the topics long-term couples argue about most), how a guy handles cash reveals a lot about his character.

Definitely. And guys who are responsible with money should continue that by only marrying women who have been responsible with money.

But you also don't want to be with a tightwad. If a dude doesn't splurge now and then, it may mean he'll be stingy in other ways, such as compromising during a fight.

Hmmm. The more compromise needed, the more likely you're not a match to begin with. Splurging occasionally is good – especially if it is on the both of you together. If he's just trying to buy you off with pricey things, then watch out.

What about five traits she should have before a guy gets serious with her, if that's what he wants to do?

1. She's Attractive. This will mean different things to different guys. But she should be attractive to you – in her physical appearance, her personality, how she behaves, and her worldview. If you don't want to be around her, if you don't miss her when she's not around, if she doesn't turn you on, then it is going to be very difficult for your relationship to last.

2. She's Responsible With Money. Marriage is essentially forming a corporation, as far as the state is concerned.

3. She Has Plans, Major Life Goals, and a Lifestyle Compatible With Yours.

4. She Is Reasonably Secure. Insecure women do not make good wives.

5. She's the Best You Can Do. If you think you can do better, you may be right or you may be wrong. If you're right, you are selling yourself short by committing to her and you will be stunting yourself and resentful. If you are wrong, then you think too much of yourself and/or too little of her, and she deserves someone who will appreciate her more than you.

California Marriage Amendment on Trial

Will a court that is supposed to be bound by the state constitution place themselves above the constitution? Or will they affirm the California Marriage Amendment, voted in as Propostion 8? The Playful Walrus explains.

Don't Be an Ice Queen

From a recent Dear Abby column, here is another example of why some men don't want to get married – and my suggestions about not being like the letter-writer.

CONFUSED IN PENNSYLVANIA wrote:

My husband, "Warren," and I are happily married.

Does he tell you that? Or are you just assuming he is happy in the marriage? Even if he says it, it could be just a stop-gap for him, which he shouldn't do.

We love each other.

Great.

We are both hardworking career professionals and have raised our family.

So the kids are out and you're both working. Are you both working a lot? How much time to you get with each other?

We have always been faithful to each other.

You're assuming or believing, in his case. And it could very well be true.

Warren is very open with his emotions and often tells me how much he loves me.

Sounds good. That's what many women say they want.

He is also very passionate during our intimate moments.

Likewise.

The problem is, he expects me to act the same way -- which I can't.

You can't? Why not? I'm sure he'd like you to feel passionate, but he will have to settle for act. At least until you get into it.

Although I love my husband and always will, I do not feel comfortable expressing myself the way he does during our lovemaking.

Huh? How long have you been married? If you can't express yourself passionately with your husband or for your husband, then what does that say about your ability to fully enjoy your marriage?

I am content to just "get it over with" while he yearns for the kissing, hugging and talk.

Ahhhh - you mean he likes foreplay and cuddling - which many women wish their partner would do more - and you want to treat lovemaking like a chore?

Despite an active sex life with Warren, he has told me many times he wishes I were more expressive and open with my feelings.

He is TELLING you explicitly what he wants. You don't want to make him happy? You don't want him to keep being open with you about what he wants?

I respond by telling him, "I am who I am." He is not happy that I refuse to change.

Why did you get married? Normally, I say people should not expect their spouse to change for the better – they are marrying them as-is – and thus if there is something you do or do not do that is a problem for him, he shouldn't (or shouldn't have) marry(ied) you in the first place. But when it comes to lovemaking issues, if couples adhere to Biblical/traditional morals of saving sex for marriage, I don't see how they can know everything they are getting – or not – before they marry. Therefore, spouses are obligated to try to accommodate each other in this area, with "ties" broken towards "more" or "yes" (as long as it isn't illegal, immoral, or harmful – or unless we're talking conceiving more children when one spouse is reluctant).

Warren is a wonderful man.

So reward him!

Dear Abby responded:

I think it's time you considered the fact that by "refusing" to change, you have limited some interesting and rewarding possibilities in your marriage. One important aspect of "performance" is receiving feedback, as anyone in the arts can attest. Lovemaking is an art, and partners need to know when they, too, are doing something right.

She is so right.

I wish you would have this discussion with a therapist who specializes in sexual issues.

Preferably one that doesn't try to convince you that your husband is wrong for wanting this and telling you he wants it.

It isn't just about him. She can be better in this regard, and he will be more satisfied, and since, as she points out, he is a good guy, he is very likely to make her life even better as a result.

While men have a wide spectrum of specific and nuanced likes, dislikes, turn-ons, and turn-offs, there are a few things that generally apply to most healthy men. For example, heterosexual men like the female body. We enjoy seeing the female body. We enjoy touching the female body, and feeling the female body. This is especially true if that body belongs to our wife. Morally upstanding men try to concentrate on her body to the exclusion of other female bodies, and least in this sense.

Most of us do not need expensive gifts. We don't need constant doting. You don't have to wine and dine us, or cater to mood swings. You can satisfy most of our desires by having fun with us in marital lovemaking.

Here are some things that most men like. It is especially hot if you enjoy doing them in their own right, independent of the fact that we like it. If you don't, don’t let on to that. Act like you do.

Enthusiasm, Passion – It is okay to be "submissive" and let him take the lead (though, if he doesn't object, try initiating and leading some times), but that doesn't have to mean doing an impersonation of a coma patient. We like it when you show enthusiasm. Move. React. Smile.

Aural Sex – Lovemaking isn't just about pressure/friction or touch in general. All of the senses are involved in creating the overall experience, and none should be ignored. Vocalize your desires, your encouragement, your constructive suggestions, your needs. Tell him what you want him to do. Tell him you want him. Use his name or your special nickname for him (unless is is "Shorty" or "Quick Shot" or "Limpy", or something similar). I'm not talking about self-degradation - calling yourself a slut, whore, or whatever... that kind of thing actually turns me off, though I can't speak for your man. Cooing, panting, gasping, moaning, screaming... any or all of those are good. Affirmation and encouragements are helpful. Sure, this can be tough with the kids in the house. There are times you are just going to have to be as quiet as possible – but not always.

Teasing and Flirting – Be playful about your lovemaking and your love for him, both in and outside of the bedroom.

Show the Bod – No, you aren't perfect and flawless, and you may have seen better days. Even so, your body is one of, if not the, most beautiful sights he ever gets to see, subsequent only to (if anything) his offspring or the name of his favorite sports team in the same headline with the phrase "World Champs". So don't always be hiding under the covers in sweats and in the dark. It is okay that your body isn't perfect. Really. And you can make it even better when you do a playful reveal (like a strip tease).

Move the Bod – I'm not just talking moving with him, but also as you approach him or try to get him to approach you. You know - the hip sway, the hand drift, the head tilt, the "come hither" or "hey, look at these!" gestures... your feminine wiles.

Use the Bod – Your lips can touch him in more places than just his lips. There are many ways your body can bring pleasurable sensations to his organ. You're getting the idea.

Oral Sex - I wrote a lot about this here, at least as far as wife-on-husband. In the case of husband-on-wife, don't be crazy enough to discourage him. You may be afraid that you look funny or smell or taste bad at that moment, but if he's going there it is because he wants to. Enjoy it! Tell him how to make it better! (If you are worried, try to wash up before.)

He Made It, and it Isn't a Waste Product - In addition to what I wrote about how oral sex can be finished... in general, wherever it is going to go, treat the product of his loins like it is liquid gold and its "emergence" as an event (because it is for him). Watch it emerge and positively indicate that you are seeing it, or let it land somewhere on you (even just your hand) and act like that's a good thing, instead of like someone just shot your dog. Extra points for playing with it, like licking it off of your finger.

You may feel silly about doing these things, but that will change when you get into it and get just a tad of experience doing them. There really is no need to feel silly – it is just the two of you and God, and God invented sex. He's seen it all. Between people who look much more funny than you. You can always tone certain things back down if you go over-the-top. Your husband isn't going to fault you for trying too hard. If you've been married for a long time, you can explain your newfound "love" for whatever you add to the mix or what he'll think are your changing (improving) tastes by citing newly deepened or renewed feelings for him. Or hormones. That will be a good enough explanation for him. Doing these things will likely make him deliriously happy.

C'mon, ladies. We're talking lovemaking here, not scrubbing bathroom tile.

Oh, and if your husband is a good man, then he wants to know what HE can do to make you deliriously happy, too. So tell him! Women vary a lot more in this area than men do, so it is harder for him to get good tips off of a blog.

Did I just write a Cosmo article?

All The Good Men Are...

...looking for good women, if those good men are interested in marrying and being fathers.

How many times have you hear a variation on the old line that "all the good men are married or gay"?

I'm not a woman. I haven't even played one on TV. But I notice some women complaining about a lack of quality men to marry. Let's assume that's true, and that the complaining woman hasn't been busy fornicating with bad boys or getting several advanced degrees or climbing the corporate ladder until she is well past the ideal age for marrying and bearing children. It could be the result of guys deciding they don’t want to be married for any number of reasons. Some guys are involved in an intentional marriage strike. Some are avoiding marriage for hedonistic reasons, some for professional reasons, some because they prefer living alone. There is no shortage of reasons, actually. There are men who do have a desire to marry, but are reluctant to do so because of a combination of the culture in general in which they live and the women they encounter.

But when people point to guys who are fornicating with women – either one woman for a very long time, or lots of different women – and his reluctance to marry, they are forgetting something: The women who are willing participants.

It makes no sense for a woman to continue to fornicate with a guy and complain that he won't marry her. And when her "sisters" complain about the guy not popping the question, they give her a pass – sympathy, even.

Some guys are not marriage material, for whatever reason. It could be something as basic as enjoying living alone more than having a desire to marry. It could be that a guy cares more about having control over his own earnings than tending to the needs of others, or even human life (hence the guys who kill their wives rather than divorce). Or maybe he's not motivated to earn more than what barely can keep him afloat financially. There can be any number of reasons. I do think our society is creating fewer marriage-and-family-minded men for various reasons, including "rewarding" men who avoid marriage and "punishing" those who marry, what it takes now to excel at many careers, and more guys having been raised in home where they didn't have a good father who was happily married to their mother.

I am a marriage-and-family-minded man, but I cringe when those on "my" side insist that everyone should be.

Permit me to get back to the issue of some men wanting to marry but not doing so because of the culture in general and the women they encounter. Especially with our current culture, including laws and the tendencies of our courts, marriage is riskier for men then it ever has been before. (The same can't be said of women.) In most cases, a man marries someone who earns less than he does or will be earning less than he does. This means that he will be legally obligating himself to two things: 1) payments to his wife should there be a divorce; 2) responsibility for any child his wife births, whether or not he is the biological father. (If a man earns less than his wife, he is only obligating himself to the second.) He does not get any legally-enforceable promises in return. If he gets into a fight with his wife, even if she is the aggressor, he is far more likely to be carted off to jail. A man has the cultural expectation of financially supporting his wife – and that is not reciprocated, nor is it generally held anymore that a man who is the sole breadwinner should expect that his wife will make sure his children are cared for, the laundry is done, dinner is made, and that he's going to have a good time in the marital bed. There is no requirement that the marital vows be honored, that any promises or agreements be kept (except, sometimes, some things in valid pre-nuptial agreements).

I bring all of this stuff up again because I am making a point – men today can complain that they can't find a good woman to marry, because a man needs to be more careful than ever about the woman he marries, and he has more "not marriage material" women than ever to deal with. I truly believe my wife is extroardinary - that's why I married her. I do not expect that any other man is going to be as fortunate.

Men get married for sex, because they want their children to have a good mother, friendship, companionship, because they want their girlfriend in their lives permanently, because they want someone with whom to have a household with shared and delegated responsibilities. A man does NOT get married so he can hear about a woman's catty girlfriends or their drama. He does not get married because he's tired of having so much free time and money to spend, or because he wants someone around to argue with or tell him what’s wrong with him or everything about him. He does not get married to share a bed but not a robust sex life.

How many generally eligible women are there out there – women who are really marriage material for a man who wants to raise kids? Let’s look what makes a woman marriage material.

Attraction - Let me get this out of the way right away. She needs to be attractive, because a man needs to be attracted to her to function sexually. Not all men have the same tastes, but some traits will make a woman more attractive to more men (thus increasing her options) than other traits. Strangely, plenty of very attractive women don’t think of themselves as attractive, so if you are reading this and that’s you, you probably don’t have anything to worry about. And, as I've said many times, attitude can do much to make a woman more attractive. It isn’t all about looks. But looks do also matter when it comes to thinking about the children, because attractive people do generally have an easier time in life. A woman does have some control over her appearance.

Age range - Yes, the ticking of the biological clock matters. But also on the other end – unless they are mature and have a lot of peer and community pressure (think of committed Baptists, Mormons, etc.), women under the age of 25 aren't as promising for a long-term marriage.

Sexual – Has she been unable to orgasm? Does she have a problematically low, untreated libido? Is she sexually jaded from too much history? If a woman isn't able to give herself an orgasm (with "aids" or otherwise), it will be very hard for her husband to give her one. If her attitide is "been there, done that - I'm apathetic", her husband will see that some other guy got the best of his wife. These things will make married life very difficult, unless the guy is asexual.

Domestic – Either she is willing and able to take care of things at home – including children, or she will be able to still respect her husband if she is the primary earner and he is the one who takes care of most of the domestic duties. If she is driven to climb the corporate ladder or otherwise excel professionally in a way that is very time-intensive and can't respect a domestic husband, then what is the point of getting married? You’re both going to be busy working all of the time instead of being with each other and your kids. Same goes for if she wants to be in school full-time, or wants to be out partying all of the time. It isn't a good time to be married.

Socially accommodating – Most likely, her husband is going to need time with the guys, and may also want to bring people home for the sake of personal reasons or business networking. Can she handle all of that without punishing her husband? Is she reasonably secure and confident, so as to not be worried about what her husband is doing when he's not under her supervision?

Health – is she physically, mentally, emotionally, and fiscally healthy? Some health problems can be accommodated in marriage, but others make a woman a bad bet for a man who is looking to have and raise children. A woman with a load of debt or bad credit who has trouble living within her means is also not marriage material.

No signficant baggage in general – Women who should be focused on raising their existing minor children are not marriage material. If Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or sexual assault or abuse history or psycho exes are not being dealt with well enough, she is not marriage material. Unfortunately, these things can result from actions that were no fault of the woman, but a woman does have a choice of whether or not to seek treatment and whether or not to get married. For every divorce a person has been through, the chances of subsequent marriages lasting drop, so a woman who has been divorced multiple times is a bad marital prospect.

Those are what make a woman generally eligible for marriage. Women who date bad boys and abusive jerks, run up debts, or are out partying all of the time aren't really marriage material. In addition, each man has his own specific needs that make some women compatible with him or not. He should have some darn good reasons for buying that ring, getting down on his knee, and asking a woman to be his wife. Taunts of "where are all the good men?", family pressure - including questioning of sexual orientation, and needing a replacement for "mommy" aren't good reasons. Having dated for a couple of years isn't automatically a good enough reason; maybe it is time to say goodbye rather than proposing.

If a woman has a desire to marry, she should make sure that she is prepared to be a good wife. Then, by all means, she has whining rights if she can't find a good man to marry, especially if she discourages, rather than encourages, marriage-killing behaviors in her friends.

A Messed Up Teen and a Woman Fearing Spinsterhood

Two interesting letters in this Dear Margo column.

HELPLESSLY BROKEN wrote:

OK, so I am in high school, right? Freshman year.

Totally.

Then my grades started slipping, and eventually I cheated on a quiz to bring my grade up because I was tired of looking like a failure.

Not a good idea, because that is a temporary solution that lacks integrity.

Unfortunately, I got caught, and the teacher and counselor called my parents.

Good. That is not unfortunate.

When I got home, my mom took my phone and read everything on it.

She should do that anyway.

By invading my privacy,

Hold on! Your mom probably pays for that phone. Everything you have is probably on loan to you – it isn't actually yours. There is no expectation of privacy. Get used to this – the same will be true when you get a job and use phones, gadgets, laptops, and desktops provided by your employer, or and an e-mail address provided by your employer.

she found out I was bisexual,

At your age, you should be asexual – at least in action.

used to cut myself,

Of course, this is completely unrelated to being "bisexual". It's not like they are both signs that there is a larger problem here, or anything.

stopped eating or forced myself to throw up,

Of course, this is completely unrelated to being "bisexual", or cutting. It's not like they are all signs that there is a larger problem here, or anything. By the way - if your parents are paying for your medical care, then these things are definitely their business. (If you get an abortionist to cut you, though, or make you throw up, then you can hide it from your parents indefinitely – for some reason abortionists are special.)

and thought I was in love with my best friend - who is a girl, I might add.

Would she want to be with someone who also likes guys, cuts herself, has eating disorders, and is an academic cheat? Would she want to be with someone who keeps all of this information in a phone?

Now I am stuck in counseling.

That can be a good thing. Who should be in counseling, if not you?

Also, she discovered similar problems going on with two of my best friends.

Yes – that is why you are friends with them. You're all a mess.

Now she won't let me see them until they tell their parents what's been going on and see a counselor.

Good for your mom! She’s being a parent!

One friend was already in counseling when this happened, but the other refuses to say anything, even if it means we can’t see each other anymore.

I guess she isn't all that devoted to you.

My problem is that I feel angry and terrible all the time and just want to cry every second because everything is ruined:

Uh, you never felt that way before?

I can’t see the girl I've fallen for,

You should be focusing on learning to be healthy, and your studies, and a hobby or sport or some such activity.

and my parents are trying to convince me that I am not bi, but merely curious.

Maybe you are homosexual. Or maybe you just don't have boundaries.

If I were simply curious I wouldn't be feeling this way toward another girl, would I?

Actually, yes, that is possible.

I don’t know what to do anymore and feel like there is nowhere to turn.

How about your counselor?

Hey, high school boys: There's your prom date! Be sure to save up!

Dear Margo responded with generally good advice, but of course throws this in:

I suggest you don’t look at the therapist as the enemy, but make use of your sessions to hash through your feelings. This person could even become an ally in helping you understand who you are and explaining to your mother that your sexuality, whatever it is, is hard-wired.

I see. But the cutting and eating disorders aren't?

HD wrote:

How long does it typically take for a man to propose marriage?

There is no typical. Some men never propose marriage. I'm wary of engagements that happen too quickly and ones that happen after many years. Good thing I'm married and don't have to deal with either situation.

I've been dating a man for over two years,

If you have been dating him as in seeing him in-person regularly, and both of you are finished with your education and he is financially/professionally established, and you have paid off your debts (other than a mortgage or maybe a car payment) then it is time.

and my mother and sister are nagging me, saying I am wasting my time, and that if he were serious, he’d have asked me by now.

They aren't the ones who would be getting married to this guy. It is quite possible they are more interested in having bunch of parties associated with a wedding. Or, maybe they see something you don't.

When I have raised the issue of a time frame, he has said he believes we will marry but doesn’t want to rush things because, to his way of thinking, marriage is forever.

Has he ever brought up the subject – in a positive, optimistic way? If you are fornicating with him, especially if you are shacking up with him, he has little incentive to get married to you. His main incentive would be for the sake of any children he wants. Which brings up the question... has he ever brought up the subject of being a father - in a positive, optimistic way?

I love him and don’t mind waiting, but I am also aware that at 34 years old each year that passes means potential future prospects diminish, as does the chance of having a baby.

This is a good example of why people should refuse to commit to an exclusive relationship unless engagement is eminent. If she was dating other men, this guy could wait as long as he wants – and she could marry someone who is ready and wants to be married. She could have been vetting other potential husbands.

Darwin Award Candidate Announced Today

I know we're not supposed to take glee in the death of another human being, but I can't bring myself to shed a tear for Darwin Award candidate Jaime Herrera, 25, of Los Angeles.

You see, today he was defacing public property with spray-paint graffiti - a traffic sign, no less, which is important for traffic safety – and then he ran across notoriously busy Interstate 5 near downtown Los Angeles. Yes, that freeway is busy even and 4:30am.

While he was running – trespassing after "tagging" public property - he was struck and killed by someone driving a Toyota Camry. A buddy who was with him survived, and I'm sure will have lots of good memories about what a brilliant use of their time they made with their morning today.

Here is the real tragedy in all of this:

The freeway was backed up for miles this morning as three lanes were closed for more than an hour.

Click through to read the LATimes.com blog entry by Corina Knoll, and whatever comments have been approved.

Graffiti is one of my biggest pet peeves. And crimes of ignorance or omission or even desperation or passion are one thing. I have no sympathy for someone who chooses to engage in such senseless criminal activity such as tagging and then gets injured or killed as a result.

When Worldviews Strain Friendships

I have a friend who has left his wife and his daughter for a younger honey.

I should explain the extent of the friendship.

We had a common interest (essentially a hobby, not anything deep) starting when we were teenagers that lasts to this day. We met and kept in touch because of that common interest, hanging out together doing activities more or less related to that interest. Since we were not in school together and didn't live too close to each other, it wasn’t like there was the issue of making sure we were in the same sorts of cliques.

We became friends about the time we were both establishing our distance from families of origin, so it wasn't like we hung out with each other's families. It wasn't a problem that I became full-time university student and he didn't go to college at all.

He eventually found a woman he wanted to marry. She lived out of town. We (his friends) told him that he didn't need to leave town to be with this woman, but he insisted – the plan at the time, at least from what he said, was to eventually move back to town together. It never happened. He moved to where she was to shack up with her (not something I would do) and eventually marry her. I attended the wedding with my girlfriend at the time, and there had even been some talk about me being one of the groomsmen, but that didn't turn out to be necessary.

They had a daughter. They had actively sought to get pregnant (they had no qualms about using contraception).

I visited their city (by then I was unattached again) and crashed at their place for a few nights. He was one of my (many) groomsmen when I married, and his daughter was a flower girl. They gave us a great wedding present. They also let us crash at their place for a night when we visited their new city to which they'd moved.

It is when you do things like get married and have kids that rubber meets the road when it comes to your worldview. My friend and I do not share the same worldview. We don’t believe the same things about God, the Bible, life, and death. We don't share political views. We don't make the same lifestyle choices – and when you’re in your relatively carefree bachelor days, as long as nobody is terminally ill or engaging in crime, such differences don’t really matter all that much. I can be friends with him even though he would never want to go to church with me. I can be friends with him even if he votes in direct contrast to every vote I make. Nor does he make our friendship contingent on me agreeing with him.

But when you talk marriage, children, family (or even crime) – you are talking about how you treat other people.

I had refused to get married unless I found the right woman. "Right woman" didn't mean "I'm attracted to her, she's attracted to me, and what more do we need?" It meant we were fundamentally compatible – our goals, our priorities, or personalities, our lifestyles, etc. We were attracted to each other in body, soul, and spirit.

I also knew that once I married, it was no longer between me and God. It was between me, my wife, and God – not in that order. Likewise, when we decided to have a child, we knew that our lives could never be the same because our priority for at least 18 years would have to be that child (and any siblings – with the clock being reset with each kid).

I'm convinced that, absent actual danger, I should stay with my wife no matter how miserable my marriage gets (thankfully, it is great), at least until our youngest child is 18, and I should model a peaceful and loving home to them, even if I don’t feel like it. That's because my children should come before my personal happiness. And should things go sour, I can probably help make them better with such an attitude and commitment.

Which takes me back to my friend. I don't know his wife's side of the story. All I know is what he tells me. And he tells me that his marriage was hell from "I do". If that's true, I suspect things were bad before, but he chose to ignore them and get married anyway. I would attribute part of that to the fact that he never established himself, always living with a woman – first his mother up through most of his 20s, and then with the woman he ended up marrying (his mother getting remarried and moving, forcing him to find new living arrangements, was probably a factor in him moving in with the woman he did). His jobs never lasted more than a few years, and most of them were McJobs anyway. It seemed like he would inevitably go from being excited about the latest job to being thoroughly disillusioned, usually burning bridges at the end. Mind you, he does have some real talent. He's just never made a living using it, usually trying to get a "day job" so he can keep toying in his off-hours with his talent.

And even though his marriage was "hell" from "I do" (something I had no idea about), he went on to intentionally impregnate her. He chose to make a baby within that marriage.

About a year ago, I started noticing a change in him. Since we lived in different cities, it was hard to get the real picture. He denied having an affair, but did say there were some problems in his marriage. I would expect there would be, with him going from job to job and pissing money away on a vice and wanting to spend time and money on a pet project of his that never seemed to go anywhere. His wife was probably thinking, "Either do it right or give it up and stop wasting time and money." Plus, there was the matter of moving to that new city, taking her away from her family and not getting any closer to his.

Finally, several months ago, he announced that he was leaving his wife and returning to town. He claimed that things were just too dysfunctional and that it was causing his daughter to act out. He tried to leave with his daughter, but his wife prevented him from doing so by calling the authorities. So, he left without his daughter. He left a job for a possible job, which he got, but it didn’t last due to the recession. He was able to crash at a place owned by his mother. His wife and child returned to where her family lives.

We've discussed things since his move back to town. I urged him to at least go live near his daughter. He hates that city too much, he said. I also told him that even if he is sure he will not get back together with his wife, he should avoid dating and especially getting into another relationship, because he isn't going to make the best decisions in that area right now.

Well, after I put the pieces together, I realized he had been having an affair with someone in town for about the past year. He finally came clean about that. He swears his marriage was dead long ago, and that he and his wife didn’t even share a room for the past few years, and that his new young thing wasn't the reason for him leaving his wife. He says that, without this new young thing, he would likely be dead - another example of how his worth is tied up in the woman in his life instead of seeing himself as a child of God.

Even granting all of that – he chose to make a baby with his wife, and I believe he has an obligation to his child, even if he feels that his wife broke their vows long ago.

We discussed things more, with me urging him again to go live near his daughter because she needs her father. He can probably get a real career in that city by using his connections. He doesn’t want to pull his new honey away from her family. He ended the discussion by saying that his daughter would understand and that he refuses to live in that city. So, the bottom line is that he ditched his daughter for the new honey, or that he hates that city more than he loves his daughter. He doesn't have a job or family or housing keeping him here (his mother lost her rental property she was letting him use). He isn't willing to pull his new honey away from her family but he’s letting being here for her pull him away from his daughter. Oh, his daughter will understand alright. She will understand that her daddy left her – and if what he says about his wife and her family is true, he left her with people who have serious problems.

Out of all of the mistakes I have made in my life, thank God I haven't made this one.

I can't help but think part of the reason he fails to see how much his daughter needs him is that he really wasn’t raised with his own father.

And now he's told me that "when the time is right" he will have more children with this new young honey. I pointed out to him that this young girl got involved with a married father who is broke and jobless, and that doesn't bode too well. Of course, he refuses to see the problem there – of course she fell for him, and to imply this may have been due to something being wrong with her is an insult to his ego, so it is ignored.

I want to kick him in the crotch until I'm sure he will not be complicating his daughter's life with any half-siblings that get to live with her father while she doesn't get to. I wonder if his estranged wife will be giving his daughter half-siblings, or exposing her to a bunch of men coming in and out of her life? Why would my friend consider making more children when he isn't able to care for the one he already has?

The situation makes me sick.

And it is an example of how it is easy to have "diverse" friends when life is about having fun and maybe studying or starting a career, but the conflicts in worldviews make it harder to maintain those friendships when spouses and children and innocent people are getting hurt, and when you speak out about it you are met with cries of being judgmental.

It is easy for me to say my friend is doing a bad thing. I have a happy marriage and it is easy for me to go home to my wife and child (in no small part, I'm convinced, because of what I did differently than my friend). But I can't imagine I would ever abandon my daughter no matter what my wife did.

I am someone's daddy. That comes before a job, before good sex, before ego stroking, before preferring to live one place as opposed to another. You may have also heard the saying "bros before hos" (what do women say – chicks before dicks?). Well, I put the well-being of a child ahead of patting a friend on the back and saying, "whatever makes you feel good."