First Date Advice

I love reading/hearing dating and relationship advice in the media. It is funny to compare the conflicting messages, and to see if what the portrayal of men is accurate or not, or if guys are getting bad advice. It can be helpful to determine just where the advice-giver is coming from – a Bible-based approach, a feminist approach, a pick-up artist approach – what?

This article, about first dates, I found on Yahoo from something or someone called "Foxy". It appears to be what I call The Sitcom Approach, like with the sitcom "Friends". This approach refuses to consider that shacking up or fornication in general is wrong, but still insists on some rules beyond mere law. It assumes that both people on the date are looking for a relationship AND sex, which will happen sooner rather than later.

I believe that sex is for marriage. But I also believe that if a guy is not going to adhere to that and mainly wants a lot of sex (fornication), he should not pretend to want a "relationship" if he doesn't really want one. He should avoid marriage-and-family-minded women and stick to the hussies. My analysis below reflects this. Keep in mind that women can avoid men who just want sex by... not having sex with them, especially on a first date.

Whether you're fifteen or fifty, there's nothing quite like a first date.

I hated dating women I didn't know at all. Especially first dates. On the other hand, if you get to know a woman ahead of time and you end up on the friend ladder, you can’t ever leave it. There's a careful, happy medium. I thank God I don't have to deal with this crap anymore.

If you're hoping date #1 might lead to date #2, here are a few things Foxy thinks you should avoid...

Fakin' It... Why invite a guy to a ball game if you hate it? Or ask a girl to a Bergman festival, when you love bad brutes and big guns? It's great to try new things, but it's most important to be yourself.

If you are dating to find a spouse, for sure. Be yourself, and don't set up the date to include activities you don't enjoy. Either you are right for each other or you aren't, and dating is to try to find that out.

If you just want sex, try to meet her for drinks after dinner. Don't "be yourself", unless you are normally aloof, confident to the point of being cocky, and aggressive. Reveal as little as possible about yourself, actually, because she might use anything you say about yourself as an excuse to not have sex with you. Try to get her to do the talking, and let her fill in the gaps in her knowledge about you with her wishful thinking.

Clean out your car, make it presentable, and get gas -- otherwise your date may end up running on empty.

Good advice either way. It's also a matter of safety.

Screamin', smashin' rock concerts have their own charm, but not for a first date…The same goes for loud bars or restaurants -- who wants to shout all night long while you're trying to get to know each other?

And, if you are just looking for sex, you want to be alone with her as soon as possible, not in a crowd. You don't want to take her to something where you have to pay for her to do something that is going to tire her out before you reach your goal.

There is much to be said for the power of pairs. In the beginning, it's best to keep it to the two of you.

Yes. And if you are just looking for sex, you don't want to meet her friends or relatives, and you certainly don't want them being around as her excuse not to be alone with you.

Five-Star Fancy or Carelessly Casual... Avoid either. Fancy first dates can be a huge mistake… If you end up going low-key, you should still steer clear of cheap chain restaurants and other overly casual joints.

If you are just looking for sex, try to avoid dinner entirely, meeting for drinks afterwards. If you must have dinner together, pick some place inexpensive that serves alcohol, eat before you go there, and then say you're not that hungry and order a cheap salad. What hot woman is going to order a big, expensive meal if you are just ordering cheap salad? Most women who do casual sex in three dates or less will do it with you whether you spend a lot of money or not – so why spend more? If spending more will get her to sleep with you when she otherwise wouldn't, is that what you want to date? You can save your money and still get some by moving on to another date.

If you both like each other, there will be plenty of time for canoodling, caressing, and luxurious mornings lounging in bed. Don't rush it.

This is so written by a woman. I love being next to my wife and embracing her. If you are looking for a spouse, sex on the first date is definitely a bad idea. Yeah, you probably know a married couple who did it. I do. Doesn't mean it is a good idea. But if you are just looking for sex, what do you care if it is rushed?

A first date isn't the time to give your locks a major snip, change your hair color, or do anything else drastic (like try out a pair of ultra high heels you can't walk in). You want to feel your most relaxed and comfortable, so save the experimentation for another time.

Don't cut your hair, ladies.

People can smell a desperate singleton a mile away, so avoid punctuating dinner with not-so-subtle comments like, "My mother would love you!"

Hmmm – depends on whether or not this is your first personal conversation. Some people do talk a bit before they ever go out on a date, and depending on that, it may be okay to say something like that. But it is best not to.

Or ending the evening with, "So, do you want to go out again? Maybe on Wednesday? At six?"

Okay, my wife told me she was confused and disappointed when I didn't do that at the end of our first date. I specifically avoided doing that because 1) we didn't kiss when we had the chance (I later found out she had made a rule to wait until the third date to kiss) and 2) I had been told by my previous girlfriend (note... not the last woman I had previously dated... just the last one that became my actual exclusive girlfriend) that I was clingy and smothering. So from that day forward I never never clingy again with anyone. She later fell madly in love with me (as I did with her), but I digress. The point is, there is nothing wrong with waiting until you've had time to reflect on the date before asking or another one, but there's also nothing wrong with arranging for the next one, either. You can always cancel if you realize things aren't going to go the way you want.

Texting, whether you love it or hate it, don't do it! Even if your date is in the restroom.

Yeah, your date is probably texting in the restroom. Okay guys, if you are just looking for sex, then here's the deal about texting and phone calls. You can do it if you want. But if she does it, especially if you are paying for the evening, get up and leave her there. Why? She's communicating with the booty call she's going to see after you pay for her evening and are left hanging. Think about it. You're not dating a mother with minor kids (right?), so it can't be her kids. Her friends know she is on a date and shouldn't expect her to take calls or text. If it is work, she's too involved in work to be a good prospect for you. If it is a family emergency, then she’s going to be too much work and you're not getting any anyway.

If you're concerned about how the date will go, don't have your "friend" call you with an "emergency" halfway through dinner, stick with something quick like coffee, snacks, or ice cream.

If you’re looking for sex, do not meet a woman for coffee or lunch. Waste of time.

Here are a couple of my suggestions for a first date, assuming that you are a marriage-and-family-minded person:

1. Unless you know this person somewhat already (like you work with this person... but I don't recommend dating coworkers), meet somewhere neutral. I know there are ladies who expect the guy to show up at their place in a nice, clean car and open the door for her, saving her the trouble of driving somewhere. But women should be more careful about letting a guy know exactly where she lives until she knows him better. Driving your own vehicle there means you can easily leave the moment you want to.

2. Let the person you're dating know exactly why you are dating. If you aren't ready to be a spouse yet, then you are dating for entertainment and to get to know more about the kind of person with whom you best get along. If you are ready to be a spouse, then say that you are dating so that you can eventually find a spouse. If your date can handle the truth, you are better off knowing that right away. Or, if your date subsequently acts in a way that goes counter to your stated goals, you have moral cover, as in "I told you from date one what I wanted."

My wife told me early on date one that she was a virgin and she was going to be one until her wedding night. She made no secret of that and I'm kind of anonymous here, so I can write that. If that was a problem for me, I simply would have gotten up and left, saving us both a lot of time, money, and energy. Obviously, it wasn't a problem for me. Marrying a virgin was not a requirement for me, especially since I wasn't one myself – which we also discussed. That honesty prevented us from doing things we would have regretted. I knew that she was going to be upset with me if I pushed things, whereas some women get upset if you don't push things, even if they act reluctant. (I'm not talking about saying "no", "don't", or "stop". I'm talking about women who do want to fornicate but don't want to appear slutty.) Likewise, she knew I didn't always exercise restraint in the past, so she needed to be careful about boundaries. There were times when she told me she needed me to be stronger than her - and that let me know that I had to be on guard, and not to take her behavior as an invitation to ignore what she'd said on that first date.

It wasn't easy, but we made it to the wedding. And now we can make love without guilt and never have to deal with going on another first date.