It's Amost His Time

There are two basic models of "relationships" that "work" for men.

The first is the all-in, marriage-minded one. Granted, this fails most of the time as either she divorces you, or cheats on you, or kills you, or becomes indifferent towards you, or unbearable to live with. But for a few people, usually people who are both enthusiastically following a conservative religious framework together, it "works" in that they stay together and won't admit to entertaining a desire to have a different life.

The other is the Leykis 101 life or something very similar to it, in which a guy is just enough of an aloof jerk that women will hook up with him for a while without expecting much from him. Guys can get just about all of the sex they want without any of the stuff they don't want (paying her bills, dealing with her friends and family, etc.)

If not one of those, a guy "should" be full-on MGTOW and stay out of the mess entirely. Because otherwise, you get people like this guy who wrote to Dear Abby.

Let's look at the letter from SOMEBODY'S BOYFRIEND IN MICHIGAN. 


First of all, it's Michigan. Who's there? The hottest women have moved to places like Southern California, Dallas, and Miami, where they can display themselves for the highest bidder pretty much year-round. In Michigan, women count on being able to hide their body for a good chunk (pun intended) of the year.

In the last few years I have had a string of failed relationships.

Almost everyone does, if "success" in a relationship means lasting and happy. Most relationships end. In fact, almost all do. Very few people marry their first girlfriend and stay married to them for life.

Nothing bad happened, and there were no fights or arguments.

Why not? Probably because he rolled over and did whatever they wanted.

The ladies tell me I'm great and an amazing person. Yet they don't want to be in a relationship, or they cheat or lie to me.

That's women, pal. Most women. You lie to them, too. "Sure, I'd be happy to go see your mother."

I'm a very open, understanding guy.

Right. Understanding. That means "Walk all over me." And open means he tells them all sorts of things he shouldn't.

I believe communication is key to success in any relationship, and that together, there isn't much a couple can't overcome.

What has this guy been smoking?!? Actually, what has be been reading. Probably some books or websites that try to make relationships better. That's one of his problems.

It seems many women come from abusive relationships or just plain toxic ones, and they are scared because I don't exhibit any of those traits.

They aren't scared. They find you boring. You know what all of those "abusive" and "toxic" guys all had in common? They had sex with these women, and probably got it without spending much time or money on them.

I'm a kind, caring, supportive partner. If you had a bad day, I want to hear about it. You had a good day? Let's talk about that. You want to go out with your friends? Go for it. Have fun and be safe! 

BORING!!! The women he was with wanted to be challenged. They wanted there to be things about him they wanted to change, to "tame". They needed to feel like they could lose him to another woman. They needed to feel like there was more to him that they needed to discover.

You want to go out with me? Don't worry about bringing your pocketbook -- I got this.

Why? Do you think they don't let women have credit cards? They can even vote now.

I'm looking for a partner, someone who eventually may become my queen.

Ugh. Why? Can you give me a good reason why???

These women love that about me but then do everything to distance themselves.

Because they really don't love that about you. If they said that, they were lying. They were probably enjoying free meals and entertainment on your dime, then when you'd dropped them off at home, they'd text their booty call to come over and get the job done. You either got too boring for them to handle, or they found some richer Poindexter.

It appears nice guys finish last.

To which a lot of women say he's not really a nice guy because he's not happy. He's supposed to know his role and keep at it with no complaining. Or he's supposed to admit what he really wants and actually go for it

I'm not bad looking -- I'm 34, go to the gym regularly, no kids, no marriages.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just wait. Soon, the women who wouldn't give you the time of day are going to be flirting with you because they'll be in debt and want someone to do chores and errands for them, and deal with their kids. They'll want a guy with a steady paycheck and insurance, and a guy who will just be happy to get a little as they stare at the ceiling and wait for it to be over, maybe thinking about how much fun they had with all of those "toxic" guys they were with before.

I was engaged for four years previously.

What happened there? Knowing what really happened would go a long way to explaining things.

I'm ready to give up on relationships altogether; the pain just doesn't seem worth it. After a while, though, it gets lonely.

Lonely? Ever have friends? What about a dog?

The advice I'd give this guy depends on what he really, really wants, and not what he thinks he's supposed to want. My default these days is to encourage him to give up on looking for a relationship and to instead concentrate on gaining as much security as he can, in so far as there is any security. And to get his life the way he really wants it. What kind of residence does he want? What hobbies does he have? Does he want to travel?

Dear Abby responded:

Something is clearly wrong here.

Maybe he lives with his mother?

You may need to go fishing in different waters.

This gets pretty close to, "How about dating women to whom you're not attracted?"

And has it occurred to you that in your loneliness you may be trying too hard, which may scare them off?

Desperation will do that. Attractive women hate to be ignored. You're probably chasing them like a puppy dog, when you should, instead, sit at the bar and act like you're watching the game or waiting for a friend.

It's time to start asking your married friends why they think this is happening repeatedly.

Yeah, get the husbands alone one at a time and promise them that you'd never tell anyone else what they tell you. If you do that, you'll probably get some of them admitting that they wish they were free, like you.


Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.