What Newly Divorced or Freed Men Should Do

"Divorce is expensive because it is worth it." -Modern Proverb

So you're newly divorced or about to be divorced, or out of a long/live-in relationship.

What should you do?

This is all about minimizing risks, damage, and pain, and getting you to thrive and enjoy your life.

1) Reject the idea that you are a failure, or this is just about you or just about her. Most marriages fail; even more so for relationships that don't marry. It was likely a bad idea to get married or so deep into the relationship in the first place. Resist the notion that you should try this again or you should have shame for the divorce/breakup. If anything, it's a shame people have been pressured into these situations.

2) Record this. Keep a private journal or diary or record (video, voice, written, whatever) of some sort for you to track what you go through during this process. Include things you're glad you won't have to put up with anymore. This will help you remember what you endured and help remind you what to avoid in the future. It should also help you see your progress. It can be something like a blogspot, even one that's private so only you see it. This blog has helped me significantly by helping me to sort my thoughts and track my life. Yes, I'm married, but for many of the same reasons, it can help you to keep a record.

3) Listen to the counsel of your lawyers and financial advisors, if you have good ones. How's your credit? If you have little or bad credit, build good credit responsibly. That might take acting like a new adult and getting a secured credit card from a credit union. Pay off your debts that have the highest interest rates first. Remove her from every account or co-sign that you can, or if it makes sense, remove yourself. Remove her from being your beneficiary for anything, or being listed as your next of kin, emergency contact, or anything that could give her any power over you or benefit her in any way. Get your mailing address, phone number (if needed), social media/online presence, and workplace personnel/benefits information changed ASAP as needed.

4) Let her go. Don't keep tabs on her, don't cyberstalk her, stop caring. Never be alone with her; if you absolutely need to meet with her for any reason, do so in public, in front of witnesses. You don't own her and you never did, nor does she own you. Whatever she said to you or you said to her is null and void. Don't believe anything she tells you now. Don't do anything for her that the law doesn't require you to do. If you have anything of hers she should have, or she still has anything of yours you should have, ask your lawyer what to do. If you have minor children, especially shared custody or visitation, obviously there will have to be some interaction, perhaps even cooperation, and your grown children might have certain life events for which you shouldn't be a jerk, but if you have no children together you can completely eliminate all interaction. Read this if you're considering getting back together with her. You might be surprised who in your life drops you because of this split/divorce. Let them go, too. Please note that others continuing to see her isn't the same thing as dropping you. It's OK to let them know you don't want to hear about her or see her, but asking them not to see her is going too far.

5) Avoid substance abuse. Follow as much of the success sequence as you can. Get out of bed every day (uh, unless you're in there with someone!). Groom yourself. Exercise. And, if you want, get out and about.

6) Get a vasectomy. Get tested for STDs/STIs. Keep test results of both handy.

7) Know thyself. What else needs to change? Do you need to change jobs? Move? Change your vehicle? Change where you live? Change your wardrobe? Change your church? Change your hobbies? Only seek therapy if you're having trouble meeting your obligations (including treating other people well) or enjoying life.

8) Throw off the shackles. There are likely a lot of things you've denied yourself on account of your relationship whether or not she overtly demanded you be denied. This can be just about anything, from a favorite drink, meal, or treat, to a vacation, television, car, career change, hobby, friendship, or even your very dream. It could be just about anything, really, big things, small things, even silly things. You denied yourself or were denied these things because she didn't want them, or didn't want you to have them, or she kept you busy with her agenda, or she'd get bitchy or sullen if the topic came up. It might be hard to recognize all of these things. Think about the things you're doing or not doing, and ask yourself why. If you have no good reason, or the reason somehow ties into her being your partner, it's time to re-evaluate. Adjust your schedule accordingly. Reach out to friends, especially the ones who aren't married (apologize if you neglected your friendship).

9) Embrace freedom. DO NOT get into another "exclusive" relationship. You're likely a target. Good, available men are in demand, especially if you're in your late twenties or older. It gets even more true the older you are, to a certain extent. Don't let a woman get her hooks into you. Having a partner is familiar to you, so you might feel uncomfortable adjusting, but there's a better life if you push through and learn to live free. Think of yourself as whole and free, as much as you can. Dating is fine. You might want to run game. But stay free.

10) Replace her. I'm definitely not talking about getting another girlfriend/wife. See above. No. I'm saying you need to consider what she did, if anything, for you, that you want to replace. Maybe you two were dance partners but you never really liked it, you were just doing it for her. You can drop the dancing, then. But maybe she did things like keeping your social calendar (setting up visits, responding to invitations, etc.), buying and sending gifts and cards for your relatives and friends, shopping, paying bills, organizing, cooking, cleaning, laundry, or decorating. Whatever she handled that you still want, you need to figure out how to do yourself or hire people/services to do it for you. It's never been easier to handle these things as a Free Man. There are free videos online about how to do these things, if you really don't know. Also, you can take inexpensive cooking classes somewhere close to you, most likely. Don't wait on these. Replace her as soon as you can, especially with decorating. The place you live should make you comfortable and express what you want to express, not be barren or reflect her. Your residence should be your sanctuary. Speaking of that...

11) Figure out where to live. In the unlikely event you're the one who kept your shared home, figure out if that's really where you want to live. Maybe you had to find place quick because you couldn't go back or stay home. Maybe you weren't really thinking clearly when you found yourself a place. Maybe one of your buddies or family members allowed you to land at their place. Don't be a burden, and don't stay stuck in a place you really don't want to be. Consider your needs and priorities and what kind of life you want to build for yourself (considering everything above). If you aren't the kind of person who wants to host parties or large gatherings, you might want to get a place as small as you can for the sake of costs and upkeep. Or, if you're trying to get custody of children, you're going to need rooms for them. If you only have one minor child who only has a couple of more years of high school left, you might want to rent a place in their school district so you can make a more permanent move after they graduate.

12) Develop systems and habits that work for you. Given everything above, drop or change systems and habits that are no longer working for you, and develop ones that do.

13) Consider keeping your ring. You can use it in running game, or you can frame it or add a chain and ball to it to remind you you're now free.


Exiting a Relationship With A Shackup, Single Mother. or Wife You Had No Children With

Rescue, Recovery, and Restoration