Teen Boy Worries About Being Inexperienced

Let's lighten things up. Time to check in on Dear Abby again. IN THE MINORITY IN PALATINE, ILL. wrote:

I'm a 16-year-old male high school sophomore in what I think is a pretty common predicament. A lot of my friends have had sex, and some are having it pretty regularly.

Really? Have you seen them doing it? Some of them probably are. There are probably some who have done it that you don't even know about, but some that you think have might not have had sex at all.

Abby, I've never even kissed a girl!

This isn't a problem.

When I was your age, I was in the same boat, and I went on to have some great relationships and I found a great wife. But back when I was your age, I thought I was some sort of freak for not having a girlfriend and for not having kissed. Actually, I had a girlfriend of sorts, but she was more like a pen pal. I know it seems like "everyone" has a girlfriend and is having sex, but it just isn't true.

I know you're bombarded with sexual thoughts and wanting to connect with girls and be as "accomplished" as you think your friends are, but you're better off focusing on your studies and a hobby or sport, finding out what you like to do and what you can do well, researching your options and planning your educational and professional future, and spending time with friends and family. Before you know it, you'll be 18, high school will be behind you, and life will be radically different.

You do not need to get an STD, knock up some girl, or get involved with some immature girl who will put you through an emotional roller coaster. Also, if you focus on the other things, you are more likely to be professionally and financially successful. And guess what? The more successful you are, the hotter the women you will be able to choose from. I know, I know... you want that companionship NOW - but time will go by faster and faster. Trust me. A lot of your friend who are having sex? In fifteen years a lot of them will be miserable. If you stick to the game plan, they will be envying you.

How can I deflect attention from myself when my friends ask me how far I've gone?

Tell them you prefer to keep some things private. If they accuse you of being gay or inexperienced, say, "If that's what you want to believe, I can't stop you." If this is really a problem with your friends, then maybe you need some new friends.

And what can I do to make sure I am not in this spot forever?

This will take care of itself if you see above. My best advice is that when you get to college and you seem to be handling your studies and any job you have well, try approaching some girls that catch your eye. Try to avoid girls from work unless you do not care about keeping your job. Ask a girl in class if she wants to study with you, or work on a project together. Ask them out – give a specific night. Some will say no, but if you keep at it, some will say yes. You have to risk the "no" to get a "yes". It hurts, but you'll learn to deal with it. Go out with them, but don't do anything to give them the impression that you are looking for a serious relationship, because you shouldn't do that until you are older and more established. Don't tell them you are only dating them. Try to date different women so you can get an idea of what you like and don’t like in dealing with them and don't get too serious with any one of them.

Dear Abby responded:

Some of your friends may be having sex, but I have a flash for you. A lot of the boys who say they are may be lying to each other.

And some of them are doing it with a teacher. But it's irrelevant. He shouldn't be having sex, and there's nothing wrong with not having kissed a girl at that age.

Here comes the worst advice she could give this kid:

In order to kiss a girl (etc.), you first have to become friends with one.

No! NO! NOOOOO!

Kid, don't listen to that. Once you get in the "friend" category, you'll never get to kiss her, except maybe the way her gay male friends kiss her - on the cheek. "Friends first" is a lie women tell men, sometimes just because they want the attention or someone to do their bidding - meanwhile, the guy goes without affection because once she places you in the "friend" pile, it is a miracle if you ever get into the "romance" line with her. They make romantic comedy movies like that, but they also make movies featuring singing chipmunks. That's what we call fantasy.

I'm not sure about girls, but women know within the first few minutes of meeting you if they would ever want to make out with you. If they don't want to, but you are nice or somehow useful, you'll end up in the friend pile.

Yes, ideally, your girlfriend should become your friend, but after you have already established the situation as a potential girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. I was friendly with the women I dated before I dated them, but not their friend, unless we had already established a flirting "relationship". The one exception was my first lover, which I wrote about here. But the key there was that she was attracted to me from the start.

Dear Abby's advice is a demonstrable lie. Boys much younger than you are getting kisses... and oral sex and intercourse from girls without being friends. Now, my best advice is above, and I would not encourage a boy to engage in that kind of activity.

You sound like you don't know what you want other than some affection. That's all the more reason you should occupy yourself with other stuff. However, if you really want kisses and sex and won't listen to my best advice, you can get those things without making your life too complicated or working too hard at it.

The age of consent in Illinois is 17. So, if you want to do everything legally, then you should wait until your 17 and only go after females 17 or older. Older women who date younger guys often do so for mostly physical reasons. Still, even at 16, you can probably find some unmarried older women hot for a young guy and willing to break the law. We're talking late 20s (which is older to you) and older. That's a risky way to go, though. You may end up buried in the back yard, or paying child support if the condom leaks, and then you've screwed up the life of a child, provided she even lets the child live.

These women can probably be found around town, and you can get to them if you offer to take care of their lawn and handyman jobs around their place for "college money". That gives you a legitimate reason to be at their place. Most of the females 17-20 that you even want to date are seeing older men or in serious relationships - that's why going older works.

To get a kiss from another 16-year-old or 15-year-old or whatever... well, I certainly didn't know how do to that when I was your age, but I know it isn't by being their friend. I had female friends at that age. None of them kissed me or gave off a vibe that they wanted me to kiss them. Perhaps you should go to a party and try to get a girl that catches your eye (and doesn't have a boyfriend) to go somewhere more secluded... or maybe for a walk. If you can't get a kiss from her there, you can try to at least establish that you'll call/text to set up a date.

As long as you don’t act like "the friend" or desperate, you can move the situation towards a kiss. Maybe you can go see a movie together. Don't talk too much on the date, because anything you say may turn her off. Remember, you're not looking for a wife in that situation, just a date. Ask questions about her and what she likes to do and what interests her. Don't let on if you think what she says is silly or lame. Just keep her talking. She'll feel more and more comfortable with you and thus, more willing to kiss. If nothing else, you'll learn more about life from her.

I hope that helps.

It just occurred to me that you are probably being raised by your mother without your father around. In the old days, a lot of fathers would take their boy to a prostitute to break him in. I strongly advise against that. Besides, it is being given away for free now. But if I am correct about your parental situation, you may have noticed that your mom talks about what a jerk your father is/was. Notice: she didn't say he's a friend. He wasn't a friend. He was such a jerk that he turned her on. So much so that she had sex with him.