She Wants to Climb the Ladder, He Doesn't

Dear Abby got a letter for a "high school sweetheart" who is questioning her relationship. GOAL-ORIENTED GAL IN DALLAS wrote:

I am 21 and have been with my high school sweetheart, "Andy," for six years.

This is generally not good. I mean, it had a better chance of working 75 years ago and out in small town farm country. But today, unless you are raised and staying in a very structured, homogenous, and independent community, the odds are that this isn't going to last. Likely, both of these people have stunted their growth for sake of staying close to each other.

I can see myself with him for the rest of my life,

Of course you can, because you've never known anything else.

but there's a problem. I am very career-oriented and have big dreams for going far, but Andy is the complete opposite. He didn't finish school and is content with a low-paying job for his "career."

Okay, well, can't you have a career without him wanting is own? That is why it would be your career.

I have spoken to him several times about my goals. He is supportive, but has no plans on doing anything for himself.

Yeah? And? Although it is not explicitly included in her letter, the subtext here is, "Shouldn't my guy always earn more money than me, or at least be like me in ambition?" Most women marry a man who earns more than they do. Notice that he supports her goals – so he supposedly will respect her career.

Nowhere in the letter does say she wants to be a "stay-at-home" mother, in which case she would have a legitimate concern about how the family would pay bills.

Should I stay with Andy and lower my dreams or give up on him?

Why do you have to lower your dreams to be with him just because he doesn't have the same level of career ambition? Actually, for both men and women, it is easier to climb the career ladder these days if they are unmarried and childless, so that they can put in long hours, network, relocate as needed, and travel. But if he doesn't have his own career ambitions, then he should be more willin to relocate with you.

Did I mention that he has no one to depend on but me?

Well, yes, he does. He has himself. But if you're supporting him financially, no wonder he is supportive of your career ambitions.

Besides this issue, our relationship is perfect.

You can probably find a career-driven guy with whom you can also have a "perfect" relationship. If you do reach your career goals, you will be in a place to meet more potential prospects.

Dear Abby responded:

You are responsible for your future, and Andy is responsible for his.

Exactly!

This woman has no experience with a relationship that began when she was an adult. She doesn't have much to compare. She may be happy, which is fine. But perhaps she could be a lot happier. Now, that is no reason to end a relationship... if you are happy and things are right, don't obsess over whether or not there is greener grass out there. But I would not advise my own child to get so serious with someone as a teenager, or to fall into the trap of thinking that a dating relationship is supposed to last as long as both people are sexually attracted to each other, or haven't committed some huge wrong against each other.

There are billions of people out there to choose from. (Even more billions if you are bisexual!)